I Need Time and Space Away From My Husband

Have you every felt if you spent another minute with your husband you would scream and pull out all of your hair?

Have you ever been in a situation where all you could think about is how to get away from your husband?

Does it feel like a matter of survival?  Do you feel your marriage is under the trial of fire and if there is not some kind of timeout, the relationship is going to blow up?

time to get away from him

You might be on the edge of just walking out the door because your husband is driving your crazy.

Men can do that to you, as you well know.  (Note: To be fair to the guys, some women can drive them a little haywire too).

If you feel like giving up on your marriage but need some time to yourself to get in touch with your feelings, you must might find a solution here in this article.

I would also recommend you take a look at the post below if you feel like you are getting close to the bottom.

I Have Given Up On My Marriage to My Husband

It seems that the longer I am in this business of talking with and helping people with their relationships, the matter of compatibility often comes up.

But once you are married, you can’t go back in time and revisit the compatibility checklist.

For what it’s worth, no married couple scores 100% on the compatibility scale.

That is why the wisest of couples understand that marriages are love affairs in progress and the partners constantly seek to make their union all the better.

So let’s get back to your need to possibly escape your husband.

There are multiple ways in which you can handle the moment if your husband is driving you to the edge of insanity.

It is almost always best not to rush to judgement in matters of the heart.

But in the instance in which you may be the recipient of  extreme emotional or physical abuse, the situation calls for a different response (i.e. rapid response).

We will take each matter, break it down and offer you some solutions.

Let’s start first with creating some space from the guy you are with.

Whether it be your marriage with your husband or a relationship you have with a boyfriend, the need to get away and get some freedom could be just the remedy you are looking for.

Help! I Need Space In My Relationship

I need space from my man

Lately, I have been getting a lot of questions from married women about needing a break from their husband for a lot of different reasons.

Such a break can range from a temporary time out to a lengthy multi day or week separation from the man you are married to.

This approach is not for every married couple because a lot men and women are relatively happily married and they don’t want or need to be apart.

But for others, a little absence can not only make the heart grow fonder, it can also save the two partners from spinning out of control.

I hear all the time from ladies about the value of creating some space.

I think of it as making room for you to rediscover yourself.  To accomplish this, you will need to break the routines of your marriage life which can be hard to do.

But for some marriages, it can be the difference of blowing your mind wide apart from the struggles to getting a much-needed reprieve from the madness of marriage.

Chris, can you please tell me the signs I just watch out for that tells me I need space from my husband.

I can’t believe that I didn’t do this sooner.  My husband and I have been fighting way too much and I feel trapped and drowned out by this marriage. I have learned that I need alone time in our relationship, otherwise I feel like I am losing control over who I am.

Chris, how do I tell my husband I need space without breaking up the marriage?

Sometimes I need space and alone time with my man, but other times I need to be alone with myself.  Being married to a guy who understands my needs and is not put off by my desire to go it alone at times makes all the difference.

Lately, Chris, all I can think of is being as far away from my husband as possible. I don’t know if this is a healthy way of looking at my marriage.  But I have had enough and I can’t stand the thought of spending another minute with him.  Is there such a thing as an emergency getaway for wives who are sick of their husbands!

Why Do Women Need To Get Away From Their Husband or Boyfriend?

walking out of relationship

There are dozens of reasons why you may need to get away from your husband or boyfriend.  Let me list a few:

  • You might need to simply recharge your battery because the stresses of the relationship is weighing you down.  What better way to do that than to remove yourself from the normal routines of marriage.  If you have a husband who understands and respects your need for freedom and the importance of you having an opportunity to regain your individualism, then count yourself lucky. This could be an outing for an entire day with yourself or with close friends.  Or it could be longer than that. Just doing something that is fun and helps you reshape your perspective about how small your problems really are can do wonders for your psyche.
  • Assume that you are involved in a very difficult relationship and the man you are with is just making your life hell.  Probably the worst thing you can do is keep on repeating the same routines and finding yourself again and again at the door of conflict.  Wouldn’t it be better for you and your husband (or boyfriend) to spend some quality time away from each other.  He and you may still be very much in love, but your mutual love for each other cannot be counted on to resolve the many ups and downs you will experience in marriage.  In this case, an extended outing may be in order.  A long weekend with your girlfriends might just help reset your emotional center.  And your husband will benefit as well.  The love between the two of you only becomes more apparent with absence.  While this won’t necessarily address the root cause of why the marriage is struggling, it will help you gain a calmer state of mind and allow you and your husband wrestle back control of your marriage.  It will take a plan and commitment on both sides.
  • Consider a scenario in which your husband and you have been struggling a long time.  Assume the marriage has gotten emotionally abusive with both of you sharing blame in the department.  Neither of you want a divorce or even a separation, but something needs to change.  Consider a marriage intervention that involves you both agreeing to a mini period of separation.  Sometimes you need space to work out your own personal baggage, before you can even tackle the problems of the relationship.  And just possibly, getting away from your husband for a spell might just jar him into the realization that things are very wrong and the two of you had best start working on some solutions.
  • Sometimes you might need to part with your husband simply to survive.  I am not referring to a physical abuse situation, though such a circumstance must be taken extremely seriously and one would be best serve to act with haste if they are physically threatened or abused.  But what if your boyfriend or husband turned into a rotten kind of guy.  Let’s say he is extremely abusive or the marriage is so fragile, you worry not just about your state of mind, but whether the relationship can last another day.   In these situations, it may be critically important to get out of the relationship.  As to how long and what might be your next steps, these are all good questions.  My thoughts are you will be better prepared to answer those questions once you are out of a terrible predicament. Regain your sanity and create a safe space for yourself and let some time unfold.

Do You Need To Leave Your Husband

is it time to walk away from married life

So what is the deal with your marriage?

Do you need to get away and leave for your own emotional well-being?

Or are you on the fence because what has been going on is on one hand, highly upsetting, but not a relationship buster?

Do you often find yourself highly upset and on the edge of panic due to marital strife?

These are all appropriate questions and how you proceed largely depends on your individual circumstance with your husband or boyfriend.

Obviously, there are a lot of things to take into consideration such as:

  • How long have you and your husband been married?
  • Has the marriage been largely successful and only recently the two of you have struggled?  Or has the desire to put distance between you and your husband been dragging on for a long time?
  • Are there any redeeming qualities that your man possesses to build upon?
  • Do you have young children and what might be the impact on their lives?  Do they have strong relationship with their father?
  • How independent are you financially?  Do you depend solely on your husband to provide the basics of life?
  • Have you left your man before?  How many times?
  • Does your husband have a history of poor relationships?
  • Is your family nearby or do you have reliable friends that are willing to support you emotionally and financially if you choose to step away from the marriage?
  • How might your husband react to you temporarily leaving?  Would he be supportive or would it be yet another log on the fire that he would use against you?  (Comment:  If your man was to use your decision to take time for yourself and for the betterment of the marriage and turn it into a divisive matter, then that reveals volumes about the guy you are married to).

As you can see, there are a lot of things to consider before one decides to take leave their husband, even if it is just for the short-term.

I am sure someone out there has created a “leaving husband checklist” to assist you with such a decision.

After all, as I alluded to above, there can be a lot of relationship complications with making such an intervention.

But the complications around such a move can rarely be captured on a checklist or some quiz you take.

Our individual situations are all so unique.

For example, “how to leave your husband when you have a child” has its own unique set of complications.  I would imagine that checklist would be rather long as well.

I Am Ready To Get Away From My Husband: What’s Next?

ending things with him

I often get inquiries from women about “if I am leaving my husband what do I do first”.

That is tough to answer given the complexity of each person’s situation.

But usually the first thing I advise is make sure you are leaving for the right reasons.

Don’t make such a decision with your right brain (emotional side).  This is when you have to ensure that it is not your emotions you are listening to.

So as a result, your emotional state when you are considering leaving your husband is an important consideration.

Be sure to think about some of the basics first.

You will need to take into account things like whether you should or can leave your husband when you have no money.

How important is it that you get away and how long do you intend to stay away are also important considerations?

If we are talking a long-term separation, then the decision tree you should consider is even more complicated.  Breaking up with the intention of being away from each other for a very long time or forever is a high stake relationship decision.

Also, remember this, whether you leave or stay, neither of these two paths will necessarily be easy.

So prepare yourself for a journey of self discovery.

You may stumble and struggle along the way, but that doesn’t mean that you chose wrong.

Try not to allow yourself to get overwhelmed with the prospect.

The gravity of simply remaining in your marriage can be powerful.

But if you have rationally examined all of the advantages and disadvantages of stepping away from the relationship, you will feel more confident with your decision.

Also, consult with people and sources you trust.  Don’t rely on any one source or person.

Also, remember the three critical things we all need to survive is food, shelter, and a sense of safety.  If these three things are in place, then you will likely land on your feet.  But you will still have a lot of work ahead of you to normalize your life.

On the other hand, if you are like the lady who told me, “I want to leave my husband but have nowhere to go”, then you have some work to do right now.

It would be unwise to leave in a panic.  I am big on thinking these things through and coming up with a plan.  I also think sometimes we need to shift our paradigm and try a different approach.

With the lady above who had been fighting with her husband for ages, I simply asked her if she ever thought of asking him to leave.  “Why must you leave“, I asked?

She wasn’t sure he would leave and didn’t want a huge confrontation.

So I told her, “look, if you really need to create some space between you and your husband for however long and are dead set on making that happen, then why not at least ask him to leave. Irrespective of which way you go, the two of you will likely butt heads when it comes time to tell him.

My thinking was let him deal with looking for a place.  The most likely negative outcomes would be the husband telling her “No” or he drags his feet.

None of these outcomes prevented her from leaving later or staying with friends or family.

As it turned out, he eventually left when he realized she was serious about leaving if he didn’t.   Their initial agreement was to live apart for 60 days then meet to seriously explore what might be the next move.

After two weeks, they met and came up with a plan of understanding and he moved back in.  It was a bit sooner than I preferred, but when I last checked they were progressing well with some of the problems they were experiencing.

How Can I Make My Husband Stop Hurting Me

When your husband constantly stoops to playing mind games to get the upper hand or elects to verbally and viciously berate you, making your feel worthless, then something needs to change.

I say, something needs to change pronto if you want him to stop hurting you.

Let’s call it what it is….emotional abuse.

my man hurts my feelings

When your husband says ugly and hurtful things to you on what seems like a daily basis, then what we have is a clear-cut story of emotional abuse.

One can sweep it under the carpet and pretend that such an environment is just part of the rough and tumble of being married.

But I warn you, emotional abuse that occurs with any frequency is poison to a relationship.

I often am contacted by women who tell me things like, “my husband often hurts my feelings and doesn’t care” or “he is a monster inside and just seems to get his kicks hurting me and tearing down our marriage“.

I even have had men admit to me, “I know I hurt my wife emotionally but I don’t know how to stop myself”. 

These abusive husbands have also complained to me, “my wife but doesn’t respect me and I don’t know what to do”.

I usually give them a straight dose of truth.  It actually helps to shake some guys out of their ignorance or delusion.

Really“, I will tell them,  “You expect your wife to show you respect and love and obey after what you said and did?

First of all, forget this notion of “obey”.  A wife should not simply obey her husband just because it was in the marriage vow.

We no longer live in the dark ages or in a world where it seems only appropriate for the dutiful wife to obey her husband.

No wonder your wife shows you disrespect“, I will explain to some select clients. “You don’t deserve it and you don’t deserve her if you keep behaving this way.”

As I said, sometimes I turn to “shock and awe” to get their attention!

Possibly, they will learn to change.

Which raises another question, can you make your husband change the way he has been treating you?

Well, guess what!  I recently wrote about this in the post to follow…..

How Can I Make My Husband Change His Ways

Sometimes though, you have to wonder how certain men come to believe they are entitled to “putting their wife in her place or dumping on her when things are not going so well for themselves”.

Is it an old-fashioned sentiment that some men secretly cling to?

You know….like the notion they are the “master of the house”.

Or does it reflect the reality that some husbands are simply rotten guys?

OK, so maybe it isn’t always quite that bad.

married to a rotten guy

Though I once spoke to a very confused husband who told me that he felt it was his right to take out his anger on his wife if she dared talked back to him.

Yup, this guy was a lot of fun.

He believed that all of the personal power in the marriage should belong to him and that his wife was there to love and respect.

He spoke of her mission to honor him and if he needed to unload or vent a lot of emotion because he was having  a rough day, then she needed to deal with it and be his “pillar of rock”.

Yes that is how he described  it.

In reality he wanted his wife to be his door mat.

Then in the same breath he told me he could not understand why his wife would not go along with his wishes and why she was so combative.

He said,  “she looks at me with this cold stare and I swear she wants to tear my eyes out.”

He seemed shocked when I told him I would feel the same way.

Unfortunately, sometimes I get clients whose beliefs about marriage are so warped and different from my own, I find myself running up against a wall of stupidity and ignorance.

Perhaps some of these men also have a good dose of narcissism.

Certainly, some of these husbands have a cruel streak in them.

I know that for sure.

Bad to the bone you might say.

I cannot know which of  these things might be true of your husband.

But with this guy I was trying to help, it was clear to me that his lack of tolerance and kindness would be the undoing of the marriage.

What I really wanted to do was help his wife escape the grip this guy had on her life.

So as you can see, not every guy out there is wired in the same way.

Every husband brings into the marriage a certain set of beliefs or attitudes which form the basis of how he sees his role in the marriage and how he should treat his wife.

What can I say.  Some guys are keepers.

And some guys you should just cast away.

Hopefully, you married a guy who is a keeper.

I am also sad to report that abuse in marriage is not unusual.

Verbal or emotional abuse is more common.  Physical abuse is less so, but is a deal breaker in a marriage.

Emotional abuse can take on many forms.

And it when it becomes pervasive and an everyday part of how the couple interacts, then the marriage is headed nowhere good.

That of course, is putting it mildly.

So what are the things an abusive husband might say?

What are the things husbands do to destroy marriages and ruin their chances of reconciliation?

Is there a list of behaviors a guy acts out that might warn you that he is shaping up to be a bad husband?

More often than not it is when your husband is showing a pattern of using emotional abuse to deal with his own demons.

When you lose count of the number of times he hurts you for essentially no good reason at all, then the warning bells should be sounding.

So what should you do about it?

Well, let’s pull back a few layers to this problem.

What Are The Ways In Which An Abusive Husband Operates

an abusive guy hurts you

There are some men out there who are devoted husbands.

They wish to please you and make your life happy and full of joy.

But even these well-intentioned husbands can fall off the wagon now and again and stoop to their worse selves.

Their lesser selves.  A version of themselves that you might not even recognize and when you see it, you are repulsed by it.

Do you sometimes fear the way your husband might act?

Are you disgusted by certain behaviors your husband chooses to exhibit during tough times?

Have you come to resent your husband for his treatment of you?

Anger can rise up inside your husband and temporarily turn him into a monster.

You can stand there, perfectly innocent and not knowing that an abusive verbal attack is about to come over you like waves sloshing on a beach.  Then out of no where, your husband can lose his cool, get red in the face, and start attacking everything near and around him.

If that happens to be you, look out.  His abuse and unfiltered waves of ugliness might just wash all over you.

I call this kind of abuse “Temporary Mad Man“.

Does Your Husband Show Signs of Being a Temporary Mad Man?

is your man mean to you all the time

OK, so I am not saying that your husband is bat sh#t crazy.

I am not suggesting the man you married is insane.

But I am telling you there are a lot of men who, given the right circumstances, can become unglued and start throwing anger darts in every which direction.

Does you husband sometimes suddenly morph into the most unreasonable, nasty acting man in the room?

Does your husband sometimes  just lose it and resorts to dishing out a massive dose of hateful words and gestures?

Well, if you have witnessed any of these things, it is probably because your husband was seized by emotions and feelings that he could not bring under control at that moment and you happened to be right there with him when this transformation unfolded.

Men who behave like this don’t usually act this way toward you often.  It may be a rare thing.  Or it could happen more frequently than you like, but it has not developed into a routine.

And when your husband starts doing or saying things that are terrible and hurtful and painful to hear and experience, you can tell he is acting way out of character.

What is often the case is that when his outburst is all over, he will almost literally crawl back to you to ask for forgiveness, telling you things like “I don’t know what got into me” or “I am so sorry for what I did and said. I was cruel and insensitive and I hope you can find it within you to give me another chance.

This is why I characterize your husband’s mania as temporary madness.

It is like in one moment he is this lovely, caring man you married, who sincerely desires to work with you on problems of life; then in the next moment your husband is transformed into this hate monster who spews out awful words and contorts and screws up his face in the most hateful manner

There is no excuse for his behavior.

Later, your husband might try to offer one telling you something like, “Honey, you know me, I am just a passionate guy and sometimes I just need to let it all hang out“.

Well, of course, this is all bull shit.

If your husband turns into a temporary monster, he needs to acknowledge it fully.

It is not healthy or constructive for the marriage if your guy just excuses himself as having a bad day or being a really passionate husband.

Those kind of replies are forms of denial.

You Can Reason With Most Men

you can get him to listen

The good news is that when the storm of his temporary madness has passed, you can reason with your husband again.

It is like what he once was in those unforgettable moments (i.e. a vicious, mean husband) never happened.  Whatever angry spirit possessed him, is gone and your husband is back.

Naturally you will feel relieved that the chaos has subsided and your real husband is back, standing there before you acting normal and nice.

And that is all good.

It is good to know your husband is not going to be permanently possessed or routinely possessed by this angry spirit that causes him to be hateful and mean-spirited towards you.

It is understandable you feel this way.

You don’t want him hurting you anymore.

Emotionally you have had enough of his abuse that seemed to come out of nowhere.  And with things returning to normal, it is easy for one to want to put it all behind them just as soon as possible.

After all, who wants to dredge up any more talk about the awful things that just happened.

It was most likely just a one-off type of episode and will never happen again, you might tell yourself.

We often delude ourselves into thinking everything that appears normal on the surface means that things are OK deeper under the surface.

Psychologically it is a lot easier not to confront the genesis of what caused the ugly scene.

It is easier to just avoid thinking about it anymore.  Many wives are far too eager to embrace the normalcy that has returned, convincing themselves that what happened didn’t really happened or that it will never ever happen again.

But I would suggest that don’t leave it at that.

Don’t just accept whatever feeble apology or excuse your husband may offer up.

Even if you believe in all your heart that his apology and regrets is completely sincere, then forgive, but don’t forget.

The fact is that if such an outburst happens even just that one time, it could occur again, then again, even with more frequency.

This is how unattractive habits and routines can form and gain traction in our relationship.

Protecting Yourself From Your Husband’s Hateful Outbursts

protect yourself from a horrible husband

So you need to take action to inoculate and protect yourself and your marriage from this sort of thing happening again.

I am not saying there is a surefire way to ensure your husband will never become unglued again and dump all over you.

But unless you address his behavior, the chances are greater that when the right circumstances all align, he may yet again resort to hurting you.

He might not set out to do such a thing, but given his previous patterns of behavior, you may find yourself in a situation where your husband is once again abusive and nasty to the core.

So how do you stop such a wave of hate?

The last thing you want is to get your feelings hurt again and again.  I think of it as being slimed by your husband.

Emotional abuse is like waves of verbal nastiness that comes crashing down around you.

So what on earth do you do to stop it?

Consider doing two things.

First, acting proactively, make sure you get from your husband a heartfelt apology.

If he doesn’t apologize, well, we will talk about that a bit later.

Now, when he offers his apology, ask him to explain what he is apologizing for.

You want to make sure he understands the extent of his undesirable behavior.  It is not unusual for a guy to emotionally go into denial and try to conveniently forget just how cruel and abusive he acted toward you.

So ask him to describe what he said that was so inappropriate.  This helps get it all out in the open.

People have a way of forgetting things they care not to remember.

Your guy might downplay it to try and minimize his own inappropriate behavior.

What Was My Husband Thinking When He Said Those Awful Things To Me?

what was my man thinking

When your husband completely lost it and started saying cruel things to you, he literally suspended that part of him that is empathetic to your needs.

When a guy is in such an angry state…..when he dishes out hurt upon hurt, he is often not cognizant of how he is making you feel.

He is inside of himself, internalizing his own feelings.  He is not thinking of yours.

All he knows is he wants to get the ugly emotions off his chest.  He may even try to purposely say things that are hurtful to you to satisfy some dark force inside him.

We all have that in us.  The dark side of our heart wants someone else to suffer, much like we are suffering inside.

We lash out because we ourselves are in pain.

You have heard of the saying, “misery loves company, right?”

Well, it is never more true than when a mean acting husband decides to pull down his wife into his world of misery.

So get your apology.

But also get your husband to acknowledge the awful things he said to you.

Then ask your husband (and this is important) to describe to you what he thinks “you” were feeling at the time he unloaded on you.

I think of this method as opening up your husband’ mind to expressing empathy.

Getting him to connect with the pain he has caused you might help persuade him to avoid this behavior in the future.

Empathy in marriage is a wonderful thing and when husband and wife can practice it frequently, it helps with keeping the relationship strong and healthy.

What is the second thing you want to accomplish if your husband hurts you with an abusive tirade?

I would argue that you need to insulate yourself from this sort of spontaneous or careless hateful act.

How do you do that?

Consider telling your husband a truth.

Tell him that you never, ever wish to see him like that again.

Explain to him that you have zero tolerance for any man who is abusive and who for whatever reason, loses control and hurts you.

Simply tell him that if he cannot control himself and resorts to abusive behavior, you will leave.

Explain to him, without any sense of it being an ultimatum, that you will walk out.

Do not subject yourself to abuse.

Of course, I am not advocating you leave the marriage.

But you don’t need to be present if your husband becomes temporarily possessed and decides he is going to turn his ugliness and fury in your direction.

There is nothing for you to gain by being around.

When he is in this temporary madman state, your presence enables him to potentially turn his vicious emotions at you.  So take away that opportunity.  Just leave.

Take a long walk.  Go for a drive.  Go shopping.  Go visit a friend.

It is not your job to save your husband from himself. He needs to learn to save himself.

The best way you can support him is to give him room.

Your departure will allow the ugly emotions that might be rising up within him to fall back again as he hopefully gains perspective around how he is damaging his marriage.

What Should I Do If My Husband Always Lashes Out and Hurts Me?

what should I do when he is cruel

It certainly is far easier to deal with a husband that comes under the spell of temporary madness.

If he rarely mistreats you in a hurtful way,  that is a much better circumstance than if you live with someone who seems to take some kind of perverse joy in making you miserable.

But how do you handle a husband who is always lashing out and actively seeks to bring hurt, pain, and sadness into your life?

I will be honest with you.  Using a baseball parlance, this kind of problem is a “tough out”.

And just perhaps the solution is doing just that.

Getting out.

Possibly getting out of your husband’s life forever.

Yes, sometimes a couple is so poorly suited for each other and the best solution is ending the marriage.

It is not usually the first option you turn to, but more often than not, it may be the best solution in the end if your husband doesn’t learn that ongoing emotional abuse is poison to the marriage.

I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have heard from wives who have complained about the poor treatment they receive from their husband on an everyday basis.

When I encounter these women, some of which have terribly sad stories, I tend to get more philosophical with my advice to them.

I try to get them to see the big picture of who and what their husband has become.

I try to help these emotionally abused women understand the unhealthy attachment or “pull” a marriage can have on them, causing them to feel trapped.

I know, it sounds idiotic to think that a person who is being abused and feels trapped in their marriage is also attracted and unable to pull away from the orbit of the relationship.

But it happens everyday and psychologically it is easy for any of to become addicted to behaviors that are not healthy for us.

As we stayed married, a certain traction takes hold. The familiarity of our lives helps us feel secure.  Routines become regular and comfortable in their own way. It’s like inertia takes a grip of you moving you along.  If the marriage is full of love and stability, then this kind of traction is good.

But if the marriage is unhealthy, such traction can make it difficult to break away, even when we realize intellectually that what we are experiencing in the relationship is far from optimum.

I get these inquires from women who suffer every day, telling me horrible stories of a loveless marriage.

The want to know….

How can they make their husband stop lashing out at them in anger?

Wives will reach out to me and ask me “if someone lashes out at you on an everyday basis, should you leave or stay?

Some women will tell me about their sorrows and the disappointment they have in their husband, but then will seek to rationalize their husband’s behavior by saying he is lashing out only when stressed or he has nowhere else to put all his anger, so he comes to me.

My feeling is that when lashing out at someone you love becomes the norm, the marriage is flawed.

Occasionally I have had husbands ask me, “why do I lash out at my loved ones. Am I a bad person.  Do I need help?”

My answer is “No, you are not a bad or evil husband.  But you are behaving in a cruel and evil way which will utterly destroy your marriage if you don’t get help and learn to control and change your behavior”.

When it comes to marriage emotional abuse, there is no beating around the bush.

If the abuser is thinking that they for one moment are entitled to lash out, then the game is lost.

Sometimes shock and awe pays off when I consult to some of these men.

If you find yourself immersed in a marriage and despite your many efforts (e.g. talks, counseling, intervention by friends, books, etc) your husband still stoops to often being the worst version of himself….being abusive and lashing out over a long period of time, then you may be best served by breaking away.

By that I mean you should leave your husband or ask him to leave the house for some period of time. Depending on the severity of the situation, we could be talking days, or weeks.

You should also consider not having any contact with him for some period time as you explore whether you wish to be with this man.

I refer to it as the No Contact Principle.  You can read about it below.  There is no guarantee that it will solve all your problems, but it may very well do a lot of good for you and your partner.

Can You Save Your Marriage With The No Contact Rule?

So if you are up to your eyeballs in marriage muck, you need to pull yourself out of the situation.

And the no contact principle gives you an option to make an intervention in the marriage in such a way that it can potentially reset the relationship.

How Can I Make My Husband Change His Ways

Why is it that my husband seems to only want to do things his way?  

I hate it when he thinks he is always right and discounts everything I say. 

What do you do when the man you married refuses to meet you halfway or compromise?

This was the comment I received from a woman I was trying to assist.  She was extremely frustrated with her husband who was stubborn and unwilling to change his ways.  It was clear his behavior, if left unchecked, would continue to slowly erode the marriage.

He often criticized her, finding fault with almost everything she did or said.  It had gotten so bad she felt paralyzed with indecision.

Essentially, she was desperate to know how to get her husband to change his domineering ways.

getting my husband to stop misbehaving

If you are married to a guy who is set in his ways and doesn’t want to change, then I can imagine you must be at your wit’s end.

But if it helps, just know that you are not the only wife whose husband is stubborn and refuses to change.

Don’t think your man doesn’t love love you.  He does.  He just needs a little help showing it more.

And if you are looking for that little edge….perhaps to get your husband to show you more love, then things are looking up.  I just wrote a post about that topic…

How Do You Make Your Husband Fall In Love With You Again

Making your dreams of a great marriage become a reality requires work.  Sometimes you just have to come at it in a different way.

Such is the life of all relationships.

Welcome to the human race of the married folks!

We all have our challenges as we seek a better union.

What I Won’t Be Telling You!

time to think about your marriage

So as you read on, let me tell you what I won’t be talking about.

The solutions you can bring to bear for your situation won’t involve quick fix tactics.

I am afraid relationships simply don’t get better overnight.

I hate it when I read these articles that tell you things like, “How to change your husband in five days so he becomes your Prince Charming.”

No, no.  We are not going to walk down that road as it is not realistic.

Nor will we be venturing into the area of “my husband refuses to change so I am kicking him out for good.”

That is easy to say, but is not only impractical to implement, but is giving into to desperation and impassivity.   Never mind that it would likely create more friction and ultimately ruin your marriage.

Now, if it makes you feel better to say a few hundreds, go ahead, be me guest!

I am not going to tell you with great specificity what you should do when your husband won’t change his ways.

It just doesn’t work that way.

Everyone’s situation is unique and there is no secret recipe that can make your husband obey and honor and do all the things you want.

Psychologists describe the matter of a husband refusing to modify his ways as functional fixedness in marriage.

Did you get that?

Your husband is suffering from functional fixedness!

That’s a mouthful isn’t it?

Quite frankly, I am not even sure what that means, though it seems that if your man is really fixed in his ways, unbending to your wishes, then your marriage is likely dysfunctional.

So should you do first if you are looking for way to change your husband’s undesirable behavior?

Does it mean that you need to trade up!

Should you send out your husband to get a brain transplant!

Does it mean you should just give up and assume your husband will never change?

Fortunately, you have some other options.

All of Us Can Get Fixed in Our On Ways.

getting fixed in your ways

Almost all of us have an allegiance to certain things we like to do, say, and think.

Of course the problem with that is if what we are doing is self-destructive or is causing the marriage to suffer, then something certainly needs to change.

Unfortunately, if you are one of those women whose husband needs to change some of his behaviors, chances are that your man doesn’t see it the same way as you do.

He may think everything he does and says is just fine. He may be so comfortable in how he relates to you within the marriage, he figures why should he change?

Clearly it can be a marriage stopper if what your husband does and says to you is mean, ugly, and cruel.

Take this client for example…

I am married to a man who seems blind to how he treats me everyday.  He sits around every evening and cares little about talking to me. Seldom does he ask how my day was. My husband thinks he is the only one that carries stress.  When I want to watch something else on television, he snaps at me and goes into a tirade about how he just wants to relax and I should go and watch my shows on the other television upstairs. He frets all the time about life in general and blames me for pulling down his mood.  Frankly, I get so mad at him when he acts like that I want to slap him. My husband thinks I am the center of all his imagined troubles.  He makes me hate being around him, though I know this marriage will continue to fail if we don’t draw closer.  How can I get this stupid husband of mine to learn to treat me with some decency?

Chris, I can’t believe I fell for this good for nothing husband of mine.  He seemed like the right guy for me and said and did all the right things.  Honestly, I think it was the sex that drove our courtship and led us right into marriage.  I had visions of babies and loving experiences.  You know, the whole white picket fence thing.  I am highly sexual but it isn’t the thing that drives me.  I am afraid he just saw me as a woman with a big sexual appetite and figured he hit the jackpot and turned on all the charm just to keep the sexual thing alive.  But now that we are married and have settled into our routines, I see now what can a man he truly is.  It is almost shocking to discover the true nature of your husband.  He is obnoxious and often uncaring.  What I thought was confidence and a positive assertive nature, turned out to be a husband who is pig-headed and listens to no one but himself.  With what I am seeing on my end, I am not sure if he can change.  My husband is like blind to his own failings.  He is always mistreating me and shows me little respect to the point where is rude to me in public.   Is there any chance he will recognize what an awful person he can be  or am I stuck forever in this unfulfilling marriage?

I know it can be frustrating when you are married to a guy who is inflexible and doesn’t want to examine his own behavior.

And your relationship with your husband can turn out to be nothing like what you imagined it would be.

Unless you are one of those lucky women who found a man who is sensitive to how he is perceived and loves you so much that he will make mid-course changes in how he acts, then be prepared to reset your expectations.

I am not saying its impossible, but you will have your work cut out for you to get your husband to look at his role in the marriage in an entirely different way.

But fret not, because it is doable.

Focus on the High Hard Ones

don't over shoot and lose it with husband

You cannot usually make your husband change all his ways.

And it’s not just your man we are talking about.  People in general get set in their ways for a variety of reasons.

I have too often seen wives nag and berate their husband hoping this will lead to their man changing  how he acts.

That is the worst way to get your husband to modify his behavior.

Most men are going to escalate their undesirable behavior if you are constantly harping on it.  It is just the psychology of how men behave.

If you criticize your husband about something he is doing (or not doing), and try to tell him to “zig”, guess what?

Your guy is going to do the opposite. He will “zag”.

Even if he knows that he should follow along with what you say and it is probably the right solution, he will likely just keep repeating what he is doing out of stubbornness and spite.

A better, more effective strategy is to get your husband to focus on one thing at a time.

Make the focus on something that you believe to be very meaningful and if he was to change this behavior, it could make a difference in the relationship.

I am not saying that everything about your marriage will improve if you get him to change this one thing.

But it is often best not to bite off more than you can chew.

So how do you get this less than wonderful man you are hitched up with to see the relationship through the prism you are looking through?

I say your communication strategy needs to be presented with strategy and some flair.

It almost needs to be an intervention so what you are trying to get him to change is presented in a fashion that shines a big spotlight on what it is you want him to do differently.

I am not talking about you becoming a drama queen and giving your husband a tongue lashing or putting him in his place or giving him an ultimatum.

More often than not, that kind of response just sends your marriage backwards.

You need to be more clever and strategic and there has to be a win in it for him.

Motivating Your Husband To Change For You

be sexy for your husband

When I spoke to Leslie, she told me her husband had a habit of being critical of her during the evening hours.  It wasn’t just one thing he would complain about.  It often covered a variety of things.

He would make negative comments about her cooking and complain about not wanting to go out and how he has to fight with her about what to watch on television.

It sounds petty and stupid, but since it had been occurring for some time, she feared her marriage was headed the wrong way.

I agreed.  She and her hubby when in a big rut.  A bad relationship routine is another way of describing it.

She wanted to know how to change her husband’s attitude which too often came off as negative and sarcastic.

What she did to get him to “behave himself” as she described it was simple and straightforward, yet made an immediate impact on the way they interacted during the evening hours.

Chris, I simply caught him when he was in a good mood and was behaving himself.  So to reinforce this behavior I slipped into something rather skimpy and got to work on him in those ways that he really likes.  It was highly sexual and aggressive, even for me, but as things progressed, I told him why I liked the way he was acting and in a subtle way  expressed there was a lot more of this to come if he could try to be on his best behavior a bit more often  The impact was amazing in the weeks to follow.  He wanted to please me more and I wanted to please.  It wasn’t like he was perfect.  But we can build on this.”

Leslie used a strategy that employed some sexuality.  Does that always work?  Of course not.  But the minds of men sometimes are better swayed when there is a sexual or intimate component involved.

I know it sounds crude, but subtle to not so subtle expressions of intimacy can   persuade and move men to be a better version of themselves.

Sometimes trying to reason with your husband about how he “should” behave can only get you so far.

It likely that your husband has heard your complaints over and over again.  So instead of putting more pressure on the relationship by getting into a big fight or walking out in a huff and puff, it can be more effective to use more subtle and strategic ways to get your husband to modify his behavior.

Your approach doesn’t have to rely on turning on your husband.

While that can open the door to your husband’s willingness to reconsider his behavior, there are other approaches that can be equally effective.

Just be sure to choose the area you wish to focus on carefully.

For most people, it is asking too much to get them to change everything all at one time. Identify the problem behavior you wish to tackle first, then go to work on it.

Let’s say you want your husband to spend more time with you, offer him a win win proposition.

Suggest you want to spend time with him and you want to  arrange a weekend getaway trip.  But in return, tell him that after your outing, you want him to arrange for that fishing trip he has always wanted to do with his buddies.

Marriage life with your husband in some ways is like a negotiation.

There is give and take.  There should be a balance in the personal power you each share.

And there is an art to getting him to do things he just doesn’t know that he wants to do yet.

Seldom will you find a couple that agrees on everything and  are completely happy with the way things are working out.

Both husband and wife must learn to give and take and the best way to make inroads is through calculated little steps where both sides win.

I Have Given Up On My Marriage to My Husband

Are you married and have you given up on love?

Have you come to the point in your life where you survey the entire time you and your husband have been together and are starting to think it will never work out?

Have you arrived at that place where you simply can’t tolerate being with your husband anymore?

Have you given up on your marriage to your husband?

given up on married life

Let consider this scenario….

All of the patience you have exhibited within your marriage has run short.

All of the good faith efforts you have invested in making the marriage work for both of you has not produced meaningful results.

And let’s also assume a good amount of time has gone by such that you are sure now that the two of your are poorly matched as husband and wife.

If you find yourself in this predicament, you are not alone.  There are plenty of married women out there who are experiencing the same struggles and are facing a big life event decision.

Don’t Let Your Past Marriage Troubles Cloud Your Judgement

I tell my clients not to do anything impulsive when they think it’s all over.

Relationship emotions can take over our rational thought processes, so it’s best to give the real important decisions of our life time.

Knowing when your marriage is over is not always an easy thing to recognize.

In fact, I also wrote this article about the topic.  Take a look…

How Do I Know If I Should Leave My Husband

Every day women and men struggle with when its time to pull out for good.

I hear from them everyday….

Chris, my husband is giving up on me and our marriage, so why shouldn’t I just throw in the towel?  I don’t see him changing his ways or his mind.

He cheated on me and I don’t know if I really love him anymore.  When is it time to give up on a marriage after infidelity?

You told me Chris I shouldn’t be so quick to giving up on our marriage too soon but I don’t think I want him in my life. I have given up looking for love from a guy who only loves himself.

How does one know when to leave their marriage?  I am not sure if I can tolerate this much more. I have tried everything and can’t get through him.  He only seems to care about himself.  I didn’t realize his selfish ways would be unleashed after we decided to move in together.  Now I can get him to leave and I am like really over this already.  What can I do to end this miserable relationship?

Chris, I have given up on being in love with my husband. This whole marriage thing is overdone. I thought we would be happy ever after and that is not even close to being true.  What now?

Of course, when you got married, the last thought you probably entertained was that you could be facing a situation where you realize you chose the worst ever husband.

OK, so it’s probably not that bad.  But if you are here reading this post, chances are you are not a happy camper.

I am sure you never imagined that the marriage wouldn’t work.  What brides does?  You go into marriage with the best of intentions and the highest of expectations.

Then later you discover you are in a messy relationship that seems to have no end.

This big question is what can you do about this….

Let’s examine Four different situational outcomes that might be unfolding in your life.

I Am Uncertain about Leaving My Husband

time to make a game change

Many women I consult with find themselves paralyzed with indecision.

They got married to a man they genuinely loved and thought loved them back.

But the feeling of love is a complicated thing.

You can feel it and believe in it.  Even the person you gave your heart to may offer his love to you.

Yet it is possible the person you are with may still be incompatible for you. Try as you might, the marriage can rock back and forth, wobbling from one problem to the next.

Is being in love with your husband enough to make the two of you happy?

The short answer is No.

Love is not a one way street.

You can fall in love with a man and feel his love in return, yet the relationship can still go through very difficult times for any number of circumstances.

If the problems in your marriage emanate from outside the normal way the two of you interact, then don’t move to end things to quickly.

For example, if you and your husband are having problems stemming from finances or illness or career, or you are stuck living with your in-laws or parents, then it is almost always in your best interest to weather storm.

Some big stresses on a marriage will often run its course.

It is no crime to be unsure what is the right thing to do.

Uncertainty can be disabling and cause you to feel frazzled and unhappy.  But the way I look at it, if you are uncertain about something so important as whether to continue your marriage, then you already have arrived at a short-term answer on what you should do.

I would argue that if you are filled with uncertainty about your marriage, then you are NOT ready to end things.

It’s OK to have doubts about whether things will work out if your marriage is unfulfilling.

Doubts about our relationships are thoughts that can easily creep into our minds and fill us with confusion.

But they serve a purpose.  They let us know that something is off kilter and if it is not addressed, it will likely get worse.

But seldom is it time to cast aside the marriage when doubts and uncertainty arrive.

I Am Ready to Leave But Am Not Sure How

ready to leave my marriage

So what do you do if you are sure the marriage is failing miserably and are ready to leave but are not sure how and when?

My first piece of advice is to remind my client that leaving their husband is a huge step in their life.

You want to be sure that you are not acting on impulse or anger or reacting to an adverse situation.  Once you have crossed that threshold and are reasonably certain that you need to part with your husband, a certain sense of calm certainty will take center stage in your mind.

When you have arrived at that stage of the relationship in which remaining married to your husband seems unfathomable, then it’s time to come up with your separation plan.

Leaving your husband is a serious thing, so you need to plan seriously. Eventually you will need to tell your husband of your plans, but before doing so you will need to sit down and think about some important practical matters.

Put On Your Thinking Cap Before Ending The Marriage

put on your man thinking cap on

First of all, you should think about where you will be living.

Will you be asking your husband to move out?  Will you be leaving yourself, perhaps getting your own place or staying with family or friends?  Which course you take highly depends on your individual circumstances.

As far as timing, if you are at risk of physical abuse, then you get out immediately.

If your husband has been handing out a lot of emotional abuse, then don’t let the grass grow under your feet.

Such circumstances should lead you to leave sooner, even if your living arrangements have to be short-term.

Once you have squared away how the two of you will be separated, then you need to think about how you will tell your husband you no longer wish to live with him.

Again, depending on the circumstances, there are multiple ways you can convey to him it’s time for the two of you to split up.  There is no one right way of accomplishing this.

Usually, it is better to meet in person to convey why you no longer wish to be with him.  Sometimes it is easier for your husband to process and accept what is happening if you avoid using words that suggest a finality to the relationship.

He may panic and strongly resist if you were to tell him “It’s all over and I never, ever want to see you again”.  

Instead of creating that kind of drama, consider using  words like “for now” or “for the immediate future”.

Even if this is not your intention, it can help your husband accept that you need to be on your own for some time given the struggles with the marriage.

My experience with couples is that if you resort to a text message, email, phone call, letter, or friend to deliver the news that you no longer wish to live with him, it simply creates confusion, anger, resentment and extends the conversation over this topic.

In some instances, it may serve you to have a trusted friend with you for emotional support.

While this approach is not always effective, it may be more practical if you feel exceptionally vulnerable about your physical or emotional well-being.  Having a person with you, someone seen as not having a vested interest, can help smooth out the communication phase.

You Have Left Your Husband But Now Feel Like You Make a Mistake

did I blow it with my honey

So let’s say you have finally summoned up your courage and left your husband, but now you feel you have made a terrible mistake.  What do you do?

Well, perhaps you did make a mistake.

But then again, maybe you didn’t and it is fear and anxiety that is gripping you.

That would not be unusual.  I have counseled plenty of women who left their husband and then began questioning if they did the right thing.

It is normal for us to question ourselves after making a big decision.  The little nagging insecure thoughts can easily find their way into our minds causing us to second guess if we did the right thing.

So if you start thinking this way, my advice is not to give into these thoughts.  In time they will either go away or the proof on the ground (i.e. actual life experiences with your ex) will demonstrate that you indeed made a mistake.

But until such a thing materializes, simply stick with your plan.

Chances are that over time your choice to leave your marriage behind will be proven to be the right call.

You Left Your Husband, But What’s Next?

After you split up with your husband you need to take control of your life.

Before the two of your parted, your world revolved around the routines you both were a part of.  Something else needs to replace those routines, otherwise you will find yourself drifting.

Consider sitting down someplace really pleasant and draw up a list of those things you would like to do (or do more of) that you believe will give you satisfaction.

After you and your husband break up, there may be these huge gaps in your day where you would have otherwise been around your husband.  Maybe some of these things you did with or around him you enjoyed or maybe you hated every moment.

Whatever the case, it’s time for you to put your own spin on those parts of the day that you can now claim as your own and create a new and healthy routine.

You should also set some personal goals that you believe will be fulfilling.  It is time now for you to embrace a new life and a new way of looking at things.

Shed the old you that was part of this other man’s life.

If you left your husband, chances are that he was holding you back.  Now its your time.

Why Can’t I Make My Wife or Girlfriend Happy

We all come into our marriage with the notion that things will be sweet and wonderful.

If you are married, yet your wife does not seem happy, you must ask yourself is it something you are doing or is your wife’s lack of happiness caused by something largely outside your control.

It is not unusual for a couple to fall into a pattern such that their marriage becomes predictable.

These kind of patterns are called marriage routines and they can be healthy or not.

tips on making your wife happy

You can fall into certain routines that shape your life and ultimately your relationship.

Usually routines help with creating a sense of expectation and security in the marriage.

If your wife or girlfriend is going to be happy in marriage, you need to think about the kinds of experiences each of your are having together.  And you also need to look at the whether you both have relationships and a life outside the marriage.

You can learn more about that here….

Marriage Happiness Springs From Your Experiences and Relationships

But sometimes routines, particularly if they are “relationship destructive” can contribute to the pressures on the marriage and ultimately the happiness levels.

As a result you may start to notice that your wife or girlfriend seems unhappy far too often and is seldom satisfied with anything you do or say.

It is in these situations that your mind can start racing as you try to figure out why you can’t seem to please your wife.

Every day I get communications from men looking to make things better with their lady…

I think she is in a bad place these days. How do I make my wife happy when she is angry and sad.  We have lost our place in our marriage and need something to restart it. 

How do I make her realize she is missing out on happiness? Every time I bring it up she thinks I am attacking her and accuses me of yelling at her.  I am afraid she is giving up on me. How to make my wife love me again like she use to is my biggest challenge, I think. 

Chris, do you think the key to improving her mood is sex?  Do I focus on making my wife happy in bed? Is that the way I need to impress my wife and snap her out of her doldrums?

Why Can’t I Please My Wife?

coming up short on pleasing the wife

Do you ever feel like your marriage has devolved such that you find yourself thinking  “everything I do seems wrong to my wife”.

It must feel like a big dark cloud hanging over the marriage when you realize your wife is unhappy with her life?

And I hear it from guys everyday…

Chris, my wife and I are in a big hole.  She is not happy with me anymore.  I don’t know where it all went wrong.  Half the time I think it’s all me that is at fault. Other times I feel she needs to take responsibility for making herself happy.  I don’t know what to do. Its frustrating because the harder I try the worse things seem to get in our marriage.

It is like a marriage gone haywire. I am pretty sure my wife is never happy no matter what I do. I don’t think I will be able to do anything to change her attitude as she seems dead set to end things.

Chris I need you man.  My girlfriend is not a happy camper and I am running out of ideas. I also wondering if what we have together is really right for us both.  She is always looking to pick a fight and frankly acts like she is disgusted with me. I know I am not helping things because sometimes I can’t put up with it and my words just kind of fly out of my mouth.  How do I make my girlfriend happy again?  Give me some kind of plan to turn this around.  Otherwise,  I am sure the thing we have going here is going to come crashing down. 

So what should you do if you wife seems unhappy with her life, with you, with just about everything?

As your wife’s husband you have a shared responsibility in making the relationship a happy one.

First you should know that you may not be the prime driver of your wife’s unhappiness.  There could be other things that weigh on your wife’s mood.  So don’t always assume you are at fault for her tears and her sour mood.

But let’s make this marriage and happiness issue a bit more complicated.

What if your wife doesn’t initially tell you she is unhappy?  What do you do if you find her in the corner crying?

For starters, you should know that when you talk with her about what is going on, you can’t always depend on what you wife tells you.

She may not be ready to tell you the truth.

Deep inside she may want to, but she could be afraid.

What if her unhappiness stems from something she is embarrassed about?

She may not want to divulge that which is causing her pain and suffering. She may be a very private person or full of pride and wants to solve the problem on her own.

And that is OK if things get back on track soon and her mood improves.  But more often than not, whatever is the cause can rear its head again causing her to fall victim again to whatever brought her down.

In most situations  it is better when your wife is comfortable in telling you what troubles her.  After all you are a couple and should be able to take on the big problems together.

Is My Wife Just Having a Temporary Mood Meltdown?

is your lady having a meltdown

It may not be that big of an issue.

Your wife could be just having a temporary melt down and after some time, she will get her emotions back under control and will feel much better.

So don’t be too quick to judge whether your wife’s unhappiness is caused by your failings as a husband.

It may very well be a short-term blip on the marriage radar.

Then again, it could be something else more serious.

What if her sadness is brought on by a personal situation that she is not ready to share with you?

It could be that your wife is undergoing some unique stresses at work that is impacting her mood and these pressures are now showing up in how the two of you interact as a couple.

It is also possible your wife may be having a deep personal crisis unbeknownst to you.

Perhaps she wants to have children very badly, but you are hesitate to start a family.

Such a conflict can weigh on your wife to the extent that it impacts her emotional well-being.

It also possible your wife suffers from a form of mood disorder.

Now that may sound like an awful thing and may cause you to think, “Oh my god, my wife is bipolar”.   

But in reality, the way the chemistry of our brain works and given all the different things that can impact our mood states, it is not unusual for your wife, or anyone for that matter, to go through periods in which happiness is replaced with a downcast mood or depression.

So as you can see, getting to the bottom of what might be causing your wife to act like she is unhappy or dissatisfied is key.

Is it being married to you that has caused your wife to be unhappy?

Or is it something that has less to do with you, but something else?

Get Your Wife To Talk About Her Feelings

get your wife to share her feelings

Whatever is going on, you will need to get to the bottom of it eventually.

Usually it is not effective to just simply outright ask your wife, “So why are you so unhappy?”

Just posing such a question in such a broad and direct way can sometimes be interpreted as accusatory.

If you pressure her for answers, your wife may think you are trying to blame her for being unhappy.

Or what if your wife thinks she is plenty happy and your question comes at her from out of nowhere?

Maybe you misread her mood.

Then again, it is also possible your wife understands full well why she is not happy and is shocked the you don’t understand.

This happens often.  Guys are often not very intuitive.

Just asking her the question full-out may remind her how disconnected you are to her moods and needs.

Indeed, she may be reminded in the worst way that YOU are the person that makes her feel sad and think to herself that “as usual my husband has no clue he is to blame for my mood”.

So it can be quite a mine field out there.

So seek to understand what your wife might be feeling or going through with great care and sensitivity.

So how do you accomplish that?

For starters, don’t rush it.  Go slow.  Little steps, coupled with lots of support and positivity is the way to go.

Remember, you own mood is like a mirror.  Embrace her with an upbeat mood and kindness.

Let me repeat that last part.

Kindness.

A big dose of continuous kindness within a marriage heals so many wounds.

So consider just feeling out your wife through non verbal communication.

If you notice your wife or girlfriend seems unhappy, trying some simple gestures of  support.

Sit next to her and say something nice. Touch her gently. Use your hand to brush aside her hair and tell her you love her and ask if there is anything you can do to help her.

Sometimes an indirect, open-ended question will allow her to open up and tell you what is going on inside her mind and heart.

Once you finally get down to the bottom of what is going on show that you understand.

Repeat the things you wife is saying and show empathy.

Make sure she knows you understand and let her know you are all about making her feel better.

Don’t react with negativity or defensiveness.

That is not the way you want to approach this moment.

You finally got your wife to pour out some truths that may be very difficult for her to talk about. This is not the time to slide back on her trust scale.

You would think it would be easy to solve whatever the problem is which causing your wife or girlfriend to be unhappy, but often it is not.

This is particularly the case if the source of her unhappiness is YOU.

Now I am not saying that you, her husband , set out to make her unhappy.

But there may be important parts of the marriage this is simply not jelling. Often, you may not fully understand that your wife is often complaining or seems distant because of your behavior.  You may be so use to acting a certain way, you may not realize you are part of the problem.

You and your wife may be on a different wave lengths all together.

You might think things are going fairly well in the relationship. She may think the marriage is a mess.

This is not unusual but it doesn’t mean the two of you are over.

You also might come to see that your girlfriend (or wife) is unhappy but not realize the extent of her dissatisfaction.  She may be holding back on sharing her true feelings.

This is not healthy in the long run and the sooner the two of your can get “real” about talking about your marriage, the better.

Not understanding her plight can exasperate the situation.

She may think you are completely out of touch with her needs and are unable to read her moods and come to her rescue.

This may cause her to feel fragile and frustrated.

We all want to be rescued from our unhappiness.  If we can’t learn to do it by ourselves, then we need the help of a loved one.

What Can You Do To Reverse Your Wife’s Mood?

showing kindness to your girlfriend

Once you are certain you understand the source of what is causing your wife to be so dissatisfied, then it’s time to put some solutions in place.

I tend to believe there are great benefits to be gained if you change the environment the two of you find yourself.

You have heard of the word “karma”, right.

Well, if there is a cloud hanging over the marriage then it probably follows that those dark storm clouds have been raining down upon the two of you in your home environment.

That is where a lot of fights start and end and those memories tend to hang over not just the marriage, but the actual home environment you live in.

So get out of the house to try to reset the mood and talk about the issues pressing down on your marriage.

A change of scenery could do wonders for your wife’s attitude and enable you to better kick start the discussion of the things that might need changing to help remedy the problem.

It could be something as simple as talking a walk through a nearby nature park or having a picnic someplace that is out and away from things.

As we discussed earlier, your wife’s mood may have little to do with you.  Or maybe it has everything to do with the way the two of your connect.

Whatever the source of her unhappiness, there is a solution.

You must believe that and face the matter with a positive attitude and a sense that the relationship in which you and your wife have contributed so many lasting memories is well worth saving.

My Husband Makes Me Cry and Doesn’t Care About My Tears

I was talking to a young wife recently and she shared a tearful story.

She was sobbing as she told me about her husband and his lack of attention to her emotional needs.

The young woman explained to me that she was married to a guy who constantly made her sob.

She explained that things have deteriorated to a point where her tears would practically flow at the sight of him.  That is how bad it had gotten.

crying sad wife in marriage

The marriage had been reduced to a relationship that brought her more sadness than joy.

She explained what hurt her the most was the nonchalant attitude he exhibited after her crying spells.

She described a husband who just didn’t give a damn about how much she was hurting.  She described him a aloof, uncaring, and cold.

But it wasn’t always that way, she offered.  But the marriage routines had shifted and she was finding herself far to often being victimized by her husband.

What do you do if you have a husband that makes you feel like sobbing and acts like he doesn’t care about the pain you are feeling?

Are you married and miserable?

I Can’t Stand My Husband: Married and Miserable

Let’s listen to my client’s story for a minute and then I will get into some ways you can learn to not just better cope with being married to someone who is mean and inconsiderate, but also learn how to teach him to change his behavior.

Karen:

Chris, I am desperate for your help.  My husband doesn’t care at all about my feelings.  He gets angry about things and then takes it out on me. This time it was some stupid work problem my husband was experiencing.  I want him to be happy and so I reach out and try to support him, but he he throws a fit and then takes it out on me.  I find myself sobbing.  I feel so inadequate as I am unable to help him or myself.  It happens over and over again.  Why does my husband act so mean to me? He gets so ugly and starts telling me about his problems and when I don’t understand or ask questions to get clarification he turns his wrath on me.  Then I start crying, feeling that now I have made things worse. But I know it’s not me, its him.  He shouldn’t treat me this way.  He shouldn’t blame me for things I am not responsible for.  When it’s all over and I am in tears, he acts like he doesn’t care about my feelings or what he just did to me.  He just walks off in a huff and puff and cares little about how he drew me into all his ugliness.  I try to be a good wife and all I get in the end is blame when I am trying to help.  I am tired of hiding away so I can cry it all out.  I am tired of living with such a cold hearted husband. What can I do?”

Certainly, if you are married to a guy that intentionally does and says things to make you cry and feel bad, that is a huge problem.

On one hand, Karen was trying to do the right thing by offering support to her husband when she saw he was upset about a work problem.

I am all in favor of supporting your spouse.

It is crucial in a marriage that the husband and wife take up for each other and help each other during tough and trying times.

when your guy makes you weep

But when you seek to give emotional support to your husband and he turns on you and directs his anger at you, making you the target of his wrath….that is a huge problem.

It is painful when you reach out to your husband who is wounded and he turns on you.

The sense of betrayal you may feel and the actual lack of consideration you receive for your efforts to console and support him only leads to a chasm in the marriage.

And when this cycle occurs over and over again, a certain sense of dread can form.

Clearly, something is terribly wrong if the sight of your husband makes you fearful he is going to unleash on you and cause you to cry.

So why would your husband behave in such away?

Why would you man bring you to the point of sobbing.

Is there something about some men that makes them particularly insensitive to those who reach out to them to help?

And what about the other occasions in which a husband can cause their wife to cry and then act like they don’t care?

Here is client whose husband not only made her cry, but then turned on her when she began to weep, blaming her for making him feel worse.

Stacie:

My husband is always inconsiderate about my feelings.  He puts his own needs before me all of the time and I am sick of living this way.  It hurt so much when he turns on me and starts blaming me for his troubles.   He doesn’t really care about me and when I cry he gets irate and tells me I am the cause of all that is wrong in our marriage.  How can my husband been so cruel and hateful?  He makes my cry more when he acts this way.  I am afraid he hates me and deep inside doesn’t care about making things better.  He seems to take some perverse joy in beating me down.  Doesn’t he realize I am hurting inside and my tears are real?  I despair being around him now.  I feel trapped and fear I will always be stuck with a heartless husband.   I am afraid I have married a monster.  What a terrible mistake I made in marrying this man.  What do you do Chris when your husband makes fun of you for crying and acts like he is disgusted?  The man is heartless and I have had enough.  He has shown me his true colors.  Any guy who teases you when you feel you must cry is wicked.”

Is Your Man Husband Material?

is he husband material

As I tell all my clients, a guy who picks on you because you were honest with your own feelings and showed some vulnerability is not husband material.

That sounds all fine, right?

But what if you are one of those saying, “Chris I am already married.  Give my some helpful advice on how to deal with my husband”?

My clients tell me…

“My husband does offer comfort to me when I am upset”

My marriage is full of tears.  All mine.  I regret I married such an uncaring man.  If I cry in his presence, I better get ready to cry all day long.”

“I am married to a man who makes me cry everyday and I don’t know where to turn”. 

And it’s not just a husband problem is it?

If you are not married but have a relationship with a guy, your boyfriend may not get it either.  When you shed tears because you are sad, he may fail to comfort you as he should.

You boyfriend (or husband) may have a huge problem with dealing with real emotions.  He may not show you the empathy you so much deserve to receive.

I hear often, “my boyfriend doesn’t care if I’m upset“.  Or “my boyfriend (or husband) yells at me when I cry”.

Is it possible you are with a guy who is incapable of showing that he cares?

God forbid, did you possible marry the wrong man?

Did I Marry The Wrong Man For Me?

Could you have fallen into a marriage with a man who is wired to think of himself first.

It can be disillusioning if you come to believe that your husband is persistently selfish.

I married a narcissist and I hate spending my life with him” is another way a woman put it to me.

What Do You Do If Your Husband Acts This Way?

my husband misbehaves

First of all, not all husbands who react poorly to your tears is a narcissist or selfish.

My first piece of advice is not to feel like you can’t cry if the emotions inside you swell up.

I do understand that your husband may feel uncomfortable when he sees you cry.

Some husbands and boyfriends often do not know how to process your show of tears and emotion.  They might think your tears is an expression of weakness.

As a result, they may actively discourage it by saying some really stupid things like, “buck up honey” or “don’t be such a cry baby” or “your tears won’t make any difference”.

Your husband may think if he acts cool and detached and ignore your tears, they will just go away and you will learn not to cry.

Some men (and that may include your husband) are rather stupid when it comes to understanding the value of tears and the meaning of why a woman may choose to cry.

They may have little appreciation of how empowering and therapeutic crying can be for you.

So if tears come, find a way to express them fully, even if it means you must go somewhere in private where you can shed your sorrow or pain.  As you know, you will always feel better.

That doesn’t mean all your problems will be solved and nor does it mean that your husband will behave in a better fashion.

But if you feel the need to cry, then please let it out and remind yourself that your emotional instincts to cry is far more healthy and advanced than whatever crude and ugly behavior your husband may be exhibiting.

Your Husband Has Little Understanding of Why Women Cry

why women cry

Men don’t understand tears can have an assortment of meanings.

There are tears of sadness, pain, joy, relief, and gratitude.

When these tears flow and you are accused of a crying fit or being a cry baby, remember that in actuality you are expressing yourself in a very advanced, healthy way.

Your husband probably also doesn’t understand the damage he can do by trying to stop you from crying.

He might as well stop you from breathing because that is how normal and natural weeping truly is.

It is a cruel act for any husband to act like he doesn’t care about you if you are crying.

He doesn’t understand that your tears are an opportunity for him to walk into your soul and offer comfort.

Your husbands may not understand the tremendous investment he can make to the marriage when he takes you into his arms and attempts to sooth and assure you that everything will be OK.

I have had some women tell me that when their husband held them close when they were crying and make them feel safe and understood, it later made them feel much more connected on both an emotional and  physical level.

Some of these women reported having some of the best sex they have had when they felt loved and appreciated after crying.

Teach Your Husband About The Value of Tears

support needed from your man

A wise husband understands the importance of tears and has learned to set aside whatever hang-ups he might have on the subject.

Unfortunately, many men are far from wise when it comes to understanding the therapeutic value of tears.

They have to be taught.

Assume that your husband’s notions about crying is retarded.

I don’t mean to say that as an insult.  Rather, I am underscoring that the guy you are married to probably has operated under some very basic (erroneous) rules about crying.

These rules may have come about through years of socialization.  They may have been partly formed through things he has read or watched or observed in his own family’s upbringing.

However your husband formed his belief system around the role crying has in our human experience, it would be fair to say that as guy he is conditioned to think a certain way.

A husband’s ignorance could arise from archaic notions like:

  1. Real men don’t cry.  Only  women do.  That is why men are strong and women are weak.
  2. As a husband I can’t give in to crying and if my wife starts crying, I will tell her to stop and tough it out.
  3. My wife cries to get her way and manipulate me. So I am going to put my wife in her place and let her know that I don’t appreciate her acting like a child.
  4. My wife’s crying makes me uncomfortable and sometimes reminds me that my own tears are right under the surface, so I have to get her to stop.
  5. I am tired of listening to my wife sob so I am going to remind her of that every chance I get.

Now I am sure there are some men out there who are a lot more sophisticated when it comes to their level of understanding of how to handle their wife when she gives in to tears.

By the way, did you notice that?

Even our language has certain inherent biases around the notion of crying.

Sometimes the phrases we use assume a woman crying is a “bad” thing or has negative connotations.

For example…

“My wife gives in to her tears far to often”

“My wife is a “cry baby“.

“My girlfriend has these crocodile tears all the time”

“Big Girls Don’t Cry”

“My husband made my cry my eyes out

“My boyfriend always accuses me of “Crying Foul

“My marriage is falling apart and we are a far cry from ever making it better”

So in a large way, society conspires against the act of crying.  It works against the notion that by and large, shedding tears is a good and healthy way of purging the negative.

While I am not naive,  I do believe that it well worth your effort to sit down with your husband (at the right time) and explain what crying means to you and how it is important for you to be able to express your emotions freely without fear of retribution.

You should explain this to your husband in a calm, sober way so that he understands you are deadly serious.

He should also understand that going forward you do not want to have to feel ashamed of being honest about displaying your emotions.

That Sounds Fine, But What If My Husband’s Actions Make Me Cry

my husband does not understand my tears

So if you find yourself weeping because your husband is acting like an ogre and treats you poorly, then it’s a different problem all together.

It won’t do you much good to have a nice talk with your husband about being more sensitive to your tears.  You could certainly give it a try, but if your husband’s actions and behavior is the cause of most of your tears, another approach is needed.

If you married an inconsiderate, mean guy who is full of hate and he brings you to cry over and over again, then just perhaps the solutions are in your tears.

What?”, you may ask.

What the hell does that mean?” you probably think.

Actually, it is not too hard to understand.

There is often a simplicity in solving huge personal problems.

Think of each individual tear your husband triggers with hateful words or actions as a message.

Let every tear represent a reminder of a husband gone bad.

And think of each time your husband makes you cry as an event.

Let every crying event represent a withdrawal from your emotional trust bank.

If you take into account all of the negative messages and crying episodes your husband or boyfriend has helped bring about, a certain map of the relationship should form.

A certain pattern of abuse should emerge.  It is either a clear and widespread problem, meaning the marriage is way off its track.  Or it could be the beginning of a relationship going sour.

Often we are so close to a problem, we cannot see the entirety of it.

It’s sorta like the old saying, “you can’t see the forest for the trees”.

This too could be a problem you are experiencing in your marriage.

If you have many, many episodes in which you find yourself weeping, your tears are probably telling you something.

As you shed your sorrows, your tears may be telling you that the marriage is not working and it is time for an intervention.

It may be time for you to ask your husband to leave.

Him leaving could be the first step in a trial separation.

Don’t get hung up on the word (trial separation).

Essentially, you would be telling him that you cannot continue living this way and you want him to leave for an indefinite period of time.

Sometimes when a husband understands their wife is taking such a meaningful step, it serves as a wake up call.

It gives you a chance to begin some healing and can also serve as a catalyst to make your husband realize you are no pushover and you will no longer tolerate harsh treatment in the form of emotional abuse.

Taking such an action also shifts the balance of power.

A husband who is mean to his wife and tries to bully her around to the point of causing tears thinks he has control.

He believes he has all the personal power.

You see, every marriage has power.

The idea is that the husband and wife should have an equal say in things and respect each other and share in the personal power.

Once the power balance of a marriage gets of kilter, things can go wrong and abuses can occur.

So telling your husband you can no longer tolerate his abusive behavior and want him out so he can start thinking about his role as husband, can help start bringing the relationship power back in balance.

Or it may be time for you to leave if that approach works better for your situation.

Or it could be time for you to insist that the two of you seek counseling if the marriage is to continue forward.

So there are multiple options.

But the point is that if you find yourself immersed in sadness and tears and have lost count of the number of times your husband has made you cried, something significant needs to happen to change this dynamic.

I encourage you to read many of my other posts that deal with this topic for more answers and always remember that you do not need to be trapped in sadness.

Take steps to put yourself first and sometimes that means you need to put distance between you and your husband.

How To Get A Guy To Like You Then Fall in Love and Marry You

Have you ever wondered what is takes to make a guy like you?

Let’s say you meet a guy and are sweet on him.  So naturally you want him to like you.

After all, that is how romances begin.  Two people meet and come to learn they like each other, then things progress from there.

You probably already think you have a good idea on how all that works, right?

how to get a guy to like you

So let’s say you are right.

Let’s say you know how to get guys interested in you. Let’s assume you understand what turns them on and how to get them to pay attention to you, flirt with you, and ask you on a date.

That’s all good right?

But do you know how to get a guy to not just like you, but also over time fall in love with you, with him eventually asking you to marry?

And what about those men who say they love you, but don’t seem to want to marry you or choose to avoid you?  As a matter of fact, I wrote an article about this scenario.  Take a look…

He Says He Loves and Misses Me But Can’t Be With Me Right Now

This article is not going to be one of those “how to get a guy to marry you in 60 days” type of guides.

I am not here to show you how to make a man marry you asap.

Nor am I going to walk you through the 10 steps of how to get a man to propose to you in a fit of romance!

And I am not certainly going to give you a “how to make a man marry you spell” that you can whip out and use to your heart’s delight.

Unfortunately the real world of romance and love does not operate on spells or charms.

Nor does the idea of marriage form in your boyfriend’s mind because you followed a “proven” 7 step plan.

Going from becoming friends to falling in love, then eventually tying the knot of marriage is not an easy ask.

Indeed, it’s asking a lot unless you really understand the mind of a man.

Oh, yes.  There is that phrase again…”knowing the mind of a man“.

For many women, men are confounding.

Just when you think you know the guy and what it is he really wants, he surprises you, delights you or annoys you angers you and disappoints you.

Your work hard to draw him in and become close.

The seeds of romance is planted and love is blossoming.

Everything can feel so right.

You then become intimate with your boyfriend and are certain he enjoys the sexual and emotional intimacy as much as you.

And you probably wouldn’t be too far off the mark.

But when it comes to settling down, making a real commitment to a life long relationship of trust and marriage, this is where some men come up short.

So what gives?

Why do certain men avoid commitment like it was a plague.

Let’s talk about all these things, first starting with how to get a guy to really start liking you.

We are not talking about a friend with benefits kind of relationship.  We are talking about getting a guy to really feel connected to you, enjoying your company, wanting to be with you day and night.

In my book, a guy liking you comes before him learning to love you.

Becoming really good friends is important.  It forms a platform for love to form.

So let’s first talk about how a guy comes to like you.

He Likes Me, He Likes Me Not

So what is the secret to unlocking a guy’s heart?

Do you start with giving him a little gift rose?

Or is that too much, too soon?

give you man a rose

How can you tell if a guy really likes you?

Is it when he texts you a lot?

Is it when he asks you out multiple times.  Do you feel like you and he have a special connection when the sexual sparks begin to fly?

Getting a guy to like you is not so hard if you know a little bit about attraction and arousal.

And I am not just talking about sexual attraction or arousing a guy to such an extent that he just can’t keep his hands off of you.

Much must be said about emotional and intellectual attraction.

Despite all the things you have heard about men being wild sexual animals (well some of that is true!), a guy first and foremost wants to have fun.  That could entail physical, recreational, or intellectual pursuits.  The key is that you have shared experiences that are fulfilling.

Though thinking about sex and having sex are very important to any man’s makeup, most guys really wants to get to know you to see if the two of you are well matched.

Now he might not always think in those terms.

He may not even be aware of what turns him own emotionally or intellectually until afterwords when the warm glow of having been with you makes its presence known.

But instinctively, he prefers to be around women that makes him feel empowered and needed and strong and confident.

Of course it is not just those things that are important to men.  A guy can be full of complications and contradictions.  Getting to know what he likes and what he really wants can be a bit challenging.

But by and far, most men are relatively predictable when it comes getting their attention.

If you mix in a subtle touch of your own sizzling sexuality with a few well placed compliments along with some ego boosting statements, it is not that hard to get him to start liking and paying attention to you.

So what do I mean by a touch of sexuality?

Specifically what I am referring to is already right up your alley.

How is that?

Well, of course, you are lady and have already learned all the clever ways you can draw attention without coming off as overtly sexual.

Whether that involves hair, makeup, dress, posture, or subtle suggestive dialogue, I will leave that part up to you.

What is key though is making the sexual element very subtle.  A little goes a long ways.

So what about the compliment part?

That is not so hard either when you think about men’s core behaviors.

Guys like to be reminded about how good they look.

They want to please you, yet they probably have some insecurities about their looks.  Just about everybody does.  So take that insecurity away by offering some well placed compliments about how handsome he looks or how you like the way he smells

Talk about other things to like how you enjoy watching how he walks or talks.

Remark about how his shoulders seem broader than other men or how he is a nice smile.

Of course, you don’t want to over do the compliments, otherwise the guy will be keen to your plan.

Just sprinkle them in there like little breadcrumbs.  Over time, they accumulate.

Think of them as little attraction seeds that you are planting.

You can also play to a man’s ego.

Just about every guy needs to have that ego stroked.

So ask questions about him and learn what he does or what he thinks.  Then find some ways to tell him the very things that strike right at the heart of a man’s ego.

You can make observations about his muscular strength and physique or the depth of his intellect or his uncanny perception and insight or his effective use of humor.

Whatever it is you choose to say, let your guy know that he really shines and you value it.

So is this a fail safe way to ensure that a guy will like you?

Yes, I think so.

But it doesn’t necessarily mean guys will feel that you are girlfriend or wife material.

Compatibility for long term relationships matters a lot.

In his mind, that is a big check mark.

How the two of you connect physically, emotionally, and personality wise is important.

But making that inital contact with a guy and getting something positive stirring up inside him is not terribly difficult if you apply these principles.

How Do You Make A Guy Fall In Love With You?

how to track down your man's love

First of, you cannot make anyone fall in love with you.

Love is such a special emotional it cannot be led around by a leash and told what to do.

It is something your man needs to discover on his own in his own time.

But, I do think you can drop some bread crumbs to help your man find his love for you.

Some people think that great sex can lead to love and likewise they believe that if you fall in love with someone, it can lead to great sex.

After all,  when you have sex with a guy, it’s called making love, right?

So wouldn’t it make sense that the act of sex can help you get your boyfriend to truly give up his heart to you?

I am not so sure about the former, but I do think a case can be made for the latter.

I don’t believe having a great sexual experience with a guy will translate into him eventually falling in love with you.

I don’t think sex is the bridge to love.

I guess my point is that you shouldn’t put too much stock into this notion that if you throw your body at a man, he will eventually fall in love with you.

Certainly, there is no doubt that when you make love (have sex) with a guy, a lot of good feeling hormones are released (e.g. dopamine, oxytocin).

And no doubt, these hormones produced by our brain can help two people desire each other more and enjoy each other’s company.

But “love” is much more than enjoying sex and feeling connected through the physical act.

It is largely about the endless large and small things the two of you do together. It is through those experiences you have with your boyfriend that love can gain traction and begin to form and grow.

If a lot of these things you do together are unique experiences for both of you, then that is even better because the bond that grows strong is often one forged by new and unusual experiences.

If you and your boyfriend frequently participate together in a lot of fun-filled activities, love has a chance to slowly gain entry.

If you both experience great joy and sadness together, those emotional experiences can forge a stronger union.

If you both experience fear and fright together, you will both come out the other end a closer couple.

Such is the way our emotions operate in terms of fusing two people together.

If you and your guy have common belief systems and desires for the future, then love can find its way into your life.

If you do enough things together and share a lot of time together that is fulfilling for you both, then love can emerge.  It can form.

Love arrives in your boyfriend’s life not by invitation.

You should not ask for his love.  It should come freely given.

You cannot force him to love you or insist that he loves you.

Quite the opposite, your boyfriend’s love for you will grow without you asking for it or insisting on receiving it.

He will give it to you freely when you don’t ask for it.

Love is not built on one or two or three things in particular.  It comes about over time through a multitude of activities and experiences.

If you find yourself constantly thinking about what you can do to make your boyfriend love you, then you are likely not going to receive it.

Men in particular resist offering their love if you try to push him to giving it to you.

So avoid speaking of it in the beginning.

Don’t get hung up on asking him to utter those special words….”I love you”.

You boyfriend’s love for you will form and envelop you even before your boyfriend realizes he is offering it.

You will likely know he loves you before he knows himself.

And when your man eventually tells you he loves you, his love for you will have already existed for quite some time.

It is just that he is only now bringing himself to tell you.

Why the delay?

A guy will tend to avoid telling a woman he loves her for many reasons.  Men are not so good about understanding their emotions and may not even know love if it was to smack them in the face.

Sometimes, sadly so, the object (you) of a man’s love has to depart or be at risk of leaving before he realizes he is in love.

Your boyfriend may also be reluctant to utter his love for you because he is afraid of being hurt.

What if you don’t love him back, he might wonder.

So as a means of self-protection, he may avoid putting himself out there.

What If My Boyfriend is Afraid To Tell Me He Loves Me?

what if your boyfriend afraid of love

Some men have hangups over truly revealing themselves to the very woman they are falling in love with.

The fear of rejection can be a powerful force that prevents a guy from opening up their heart.

If you are in love with a guy who you are pretty sure cares for your deeply, but seems reluctant to tell you he loves you, don’t force it in the beginning.

Perhaps he seems comfortable with you telling him that you love him, but he won’t reciprocate.

What do you do?

Give him time to find his courage.

You can offer him some subtle encouragement.  You can do things that are subtle to lead the way.

For example you can exchange little love notes.

You can write him a note and tell him simply you love him.  Maybe he will pick up your cue and reciprocate by writing you a little love note.

Sometimes, his lingering fear of commitment can get in the way of him uttering his love for you.  If this is the problem, he can learn to overcome this fear in moment of lovemaking.

That is how you can reach into the soul of some men.

What you can do is very quietly whisper in his ear you love him during the act of lovemaking.

Just say it once.

Don’t act like you expect him to tell you the same.

Offer your expression of love as a gift to him.

More than likely, he will open up his heart to you.

If he doesn’t, it doesn’t necessarily mean he isn’t in love with you.  It may suggest he has a hangup over simply telling you his deepest feelings.

If that is the case and you feel fairly certain he loves you, then choose a neutral time to simply discuss why he chooses not to tell you in words.

Tell him that while you don’t need to always hear the words, that it is important and comforting for you to hear and be reminded how important you are to him.

Some men do not understand that expressions of love are important for their lover to hear.

It can lift one up and make a person feel secure. Withholding such expressions is selfish.

Perhaps your boyfriend has come to believe that expressions of love are overly used.  Or perhaps he thinks by uttering his love for you, it makes him weak.

Whatever it is that causes him to avoid telling you this deepest expression of commitment, tell him it is important to you and explain why.

But avoid arguing about it.  Make you point, then move on.  It takes time for men to process their feelings around the topic of love.

If he truly doesn’t love you, it will be evident to you.

Most men, when they understand the value you place on expressing love and affection, will eventually open up their heart.

How Do I Get My Boyfriend To Marry Me?

how to get your boyfriend to marry you

For starters, avoid bringing up the topic in the early months of the relationship.

For some guys, that is a big turn off.

While getting married may be incredibly important to you and the desire to get the ball rolling may be always on your mind, many men are wired in a completely different way.

Men value their freedom and the romance and lead up to marriage is often not as important to them

So how does one get over the hump of taking a relationship to a place where both partners are ready for long-term commitment?

I wish I could give you a simple formula like date for 6 months, move in together, then travel to a far away place where you both have the time of your life and realize you never want to be parted.

Unfortunately, there is no such “one for all’ solutions on how to get a guy to marry you.

If there was, it would have been written down for all people in love to soak up and somebody would be filthy rich.

The dynamics for every couple is unique to their own set of individual experiences as well as their joint experiences.

You and your boyfriend bring into the relationship certain biases, influences, individual behaviors, experiences, and likes and dislikes.

All of these things can influence how each of you see marriage and impact the level of importance marriage has for you.

Your background and shared experiences also influence the willingness and timing of when you both would like to get married

You and your boyfriend may jell on when you think you are both ready.  When that is the case, then matters of making a firm decision, along with planning and organizing the event, can all fall in place.

Or it is possible you and your man are on completely different planes of thought.  You may be ready, but he may be completely avoiding the subject of marriage.

How do you navigate through the trouble waters of getting a married when the two of your are far apart on the subject?

My experience with advising women is that they usually end up in a worst place if they try to force the issue.

Coming at a guy directly and pressuring him to tie the knot usually results in him feeling pressured and having resentment for you.

The Art of Getting Married in Small Steps

taking small steps for love

It is better to practice the art of Marriage in Small Steps.

This approach is founded on the idea that for every forceful action you take, there will be an equal and opposite negative reaction.

If you seek to aggressively pull marriage into the conversation, your boyfriend will seek to push the subject of marriage outside the conversation.

If you frequently hint around about marriage, your man will tend to ignore your efforts even more.

If you get angry and make ultimatums around the topic of marriage, your boyfriend will get upset in return and make ultimatum around the topic of never getting married.

So it’s better to move into conversation about marriage naturally.

Take the opportunity to introduce the topic by being around people who are married that seem happy and well-adjusted.

Men (and women) usually covet those things they don’t have which appears to have value to them.

It’s OK to discuss the topic of marriage with your boyfriend if the relationship is mature and has been reasonably long in duration.

But don’t turn the conversation into a lengthy debate.  Don’t enter the conversation with preconceived positive or negative expectations.

It is also effective to take a neutral position about your own willingness to get married.

Remember, men like that which they don’t have.

If they feel there is value in marriage and it has been demonstrated to them by their experiences around others, then they may covet the idea of being married even more.

This is particularly the case if they think you need a little convincing.

On the other hand, if you come on really strong about marriage they know where you stand.

What is there for them to chase after?

This kind of thinking is based on a concept called psychological reactance.

Men are attracted to those things they don’t have, assuming they believe there is value in it.

If a guy thinks that you might be possibly saving marriage for someone else, it could serve as a catalyst to your boyfriend to rope you in.

This is not to say you should tell your boyfriend outright you don’t want to be married.

That wouldn’t be realistic or true.

But in the beginning of the conversations around marriage, you should avoid the appearance of someone who is desperate to be married.

To the contrary, you probably gain more by your neutral stand on the topic or even creating some subtle jealousy traps.

With this approach, over time you can positively shape your boyfriend’s notions around the whole topic of living a life together under the same roof with rings on your fingers and happiness in your souls.

Should I Tell My Husband I Lied and Betrayed Him

When cheating on your husband, you are always walking a slippery slope.

Telling your husband that you cheated on him can be a frightening proposition. You are never sure how he might react to your betrayal.

You may not even be sure what to say or if you should even tell him the whole the truth.

You may fear that he will think the marriage has been a complete lie.

You may worry that he will never trust you again since you have been with another man.

running around and cheating

I get questions on this subject everyday.  For example…

Should I tell my husband I cheated on him? What do I next?  Should I say something?  Will he leave me if I tell him.  Do I dare tell him that I slept with another man.  What if I don’t and he discovers the affair?

Chris, Should I tell my husband I betrayed him?  I was weak in the moment and things just evolved. It’s over now, but I feel terrible.  I feel like I need to come clean.  I don’t think he knows but it’s killing me inside to hide this from him.  On one hand I feel so ashamed and regret what I did.  We tell each other everything and now I am hiding this terrible dark secret.

Usually my first thought when I get these kinds of questions is to caution the individual not to rush into doing anything rash.

Running straight to the husband and dropping an infidelity loaded bomb on him is not always the best strategy.

By the way, a while back I wrote a post that was designed to help men spot if their wife was betraying them.

You should read this as it will help clue you in on what not to do to give yourself up if that is your ultimate plan.

How To Know if Your Wife or Girlfriend Is Cheating on You

Clearly, whether you should reveal your sexual liaison with another man is a very sticky situation.

I guess I could tell you to never to do it.

I could argue that telling your husband such a horrible truth is going to set back your marriage.

Better to just end the affair and keep your mouth shut, right?

Perhaps.

I could also tell you that trying to fool your husband into thinking that you are not having an affair or hiding your  affair is a futile endeavor.

What if your husband finally discovers that you cheated on him?  Wouldn’t you have hell to pay?

What is one to do, then?

Well, let’s start off with a little history on cheating.

The Truth About Our Cheating Ways

truth of betrayal

The reality is that men and women do cheat on each other for lots of reasons.

Such behavior, though often destructive, is simply not going to go away because we have collectively learned our lesson.

Its not like we grow up and learn from our mistakes and pass on our great insights from one generation to the next.

The frequency of infidelity has remained about the same for decades.  That would suggest to me that sociology and biology plays an important role in choices we make.

Unfortunately, human behavior as it applies to sexual expression and truth telling doesn’t work that way.

As often as we think we know something is wrong and as often as we swear we will never fall under the spell of being unfaithful, it happens.

And it happens more frequently than couples realize.

How Often Does Infidelity Happen?

Some experts think that affairs occur in about 30 to 45% of marriages.

I am reluctant to be precise with the numbers because surveys do not always capture how often infidelity really occurs.

It is more common for people under 30.

It does happen a bit more frequently with men versus women.

Is Cheating on Your Spouse a Rationale Decision?

Cheating on your husband (or a husband cheating on his wife) is seldom a rationale decision.

It is not like you wake up one morning and decide you are going to become a cheater.

So why would your wife or husband succumb to infidelity?

That is a big question and calls for a separate post.  Look around my website and you will find several articles on this topic.

Today we are going to focus on the aftermath period (after the affair).

Specifically, I want to walk you through some of the ways you might want to think about this question.

Let’s explore whether you should come completely clean with your husband.

Should You Tell Your Husband That You Cheated on Him?

telling husband of your adultery

Over the years, I have gotten a lot of questions around this topic.

There are different permutations of this question of cheating.

So let’s say you cheated on your husband and never told him.   What do you do?

That’s one angle.

Let’s open up Pandora’s Box and explore some of the possible questions you might have.

You might ask….

When should I tell my husband that I cheated?

or…

Should I tell my husband I cheated before we got married?

or…

What if you were unfaithful many times with different men?

Should you tell him you were adulterous all those times?  Will that be too much for him to handle?

Should you tell him you cheated just once?

And if you end up spilling the beans, what do you do next?

How do you keep him from walking out of your life?

As a side note, I wrote a post about this specific outcome.  You should give it a read.

Should I Beg For My Husband To Stay and Not Leave Me?

Do you feel obliged to tell your husband about your affair for religious reasons?

They do say confession can cleanse the soul and lift us from our guilt.

But will telling the man you are married to that you cheated on him actually make things better?

Perhaps you might feel better for a short period of time.

Getting rid of that heavy load of guilt can be empowering.

But how likely is it that your husband will be crushed by the news of your infidelity?

Will your confession cause the marriage to spiral downward?

Should You Be Blamed for Being Unfaithful?

Your decision to commit adultery with another man may have occurred for a number of reasons.

I won’t judge you on whether your reasoning was stupid or foolish or justified in any way.

It is not my place to give you a lesson in morality and tell you that what you did was horrible.

My experience in these matters is that the circumstances leading up to one’s decision to be unfaithful are rarely simple or easily understood.

Who is to say that what you did was evil.  I honestly don’t think we can fully understand the whole picture that came before and during an affair.

Human behavior doesn’t necessarily work that way.

I am not saying cheating on a husband is good thing.  It rarely is.

I am just one who thinks that not much is achieved when we play the blame game.

It is better to look causes and fix them, then focus on the future.

Many very good and decent women have given in to their needs or impulses, ending up in the arms of another man.

Does Cheating Mean the Marriage is Over?

While my experience in advising women tells me that having sexual relations outside of a marriage usually leads to personal conflict and problems, along with total or near destruction of the marriage; it is not always so.

Marriages riddled with affairs are not always destroyed.

People can learn from the pain they cause others and to themselves and marriages can be saved.

If you want your marriage to survive this, you will have to fight for it.

You will have to play your cards right.

Your relationship need not come to an end.

It can actually grow and prosper.

Does It Matter Why I Cheated?

Our focus today is to examine whether or not you should confess to your husband or boyfriend.

What do you have to gain or lose if you tell your husband that you have been with another man?

That is what we want to look at more closely.

There are lots of ways the actual cheating could have unfolded.

It doesn’t matter whether you mistakenly thought you were in love with some other guy and later learned you made a mistake.

It’s not a question of whether you should tell your husband or boyfriend you cheated when you were drunk.

Or that you made love with his best friend.

Or you couldn’t help yourself and cheated on him because an old boyfriend came to town.

We won’t be focusing on whether it was your decision to break your vows and commit adultery just as a way to get back at him.

Or that you actually fell in love with another guy, but you also still love your husband and don’t want the marriage to end.

Or you just slipped into an affair that you didn’t intend to get involved in.

Or you were just curious what it would be like to cheat on your man so you thought you would give it a try.

It’s not a question of you straying because you felt sexually unfulfilled at home and needed the intimacy of being with someone you believed cared about you.

As you can see, there many things that can ultimately lead you into the arms of another man.

It happens.

I am not excusing it.

Nor am not saying it is a horrible thing you did.

It is just part of the reality of our species. It happens every day in marriages and relationships.

What matters now is given what has happened and taking into consideration why it happened, what should you do?

If you want to keep your marriage alive, should you tell your husband?

The Argument For Why You Should Tell Your Husband You Have Been Cheating on Him

should you tell him you cheated

There is a school of thought that says that a cheater will almost always be discovered and if you live with the lie of adultery, you will end up tormenting yourself and cause irreparable harm to your marriage.

The notion is that if you fess up to your husband and explain what happened, in time he will forgive you.

For many women, if they have cheated on their husband, a certain amount of guilt tends to play on their conscience.

It is the type of thing that even if you are not conscious of, is very likely playing on your subconscious, affecting you emotionally and physically in ways you don’t realize.

So why not unburden yourself with this hanging on your mind?

You may have a number of different rationalizations running through your mind about why you got involved in an affair in the first place.

You may be spending far too many hours shuffling through all these reasons trying to make sense of it.

And if you know that you love your husband and want your marriage to be true, without the burden of lies, this school of thought is that you should tell your husband the whole truth, holding nothing back.

After all, the truth sets you free, right?

So what is wrong with this line of thinking?

At first glance it seems like a reasonable proposition.

Why not unburden yourself of the lie that is at the center of your marriage?

Why not remove the guilt that is burdening you deep in your heart?

And if your worst fears are suggestive of future events, then it may just be a matter of time before you husband finds out that you cheated on him.

So why not control the situation and get ahead of it?

You sure don’t want your husband learning from someone else that you are unfaithful, right?

It’s true, in some of these cases, a husband may already suspect that you are having an affair.

You may have been sloppy.

Someone may have seen you with your lover.

Perhaps you checked into a motel to have sex with this other guy and left a financial trail that your husband catches wind of.

Maybe you let something slip in conversation and suddenly you are left scrambling trying to explain what you meant.

Who knows, it is even possible that the guy you are having an affair with has a wife or girlfriend.

Let’s say this other woman  figures out what is going on, then in turn contacts your husband causing damage to your marriage.

Now your are in deep trouble, you reason.

As you think about it more you realize there are hundreds of things that can go wrong, eventually leading to your deception being discovered.

But it is also very possible that none of those things happen and by telling your husband you cheated on him opens up the floodgates of marriage chaos.

The Argument for Not Telling Your Husband You Betrayed Him

hubby doesn't need to know

So if you are having an affair or had an affair and ended it, what is the possibility of your spouse finding out about it?

Part of that answer depends on whether you are still involved in a romantic, sexual affair or if you have ended it (or your lover ended it).

The odds of being “found out” decrease once you have ended the affair.

That doesn’t mean that your prior affair will never be discovered.

It can be.

But if you are not actively engaged in sneaking around and meeting up with your lover, there are fewer instances that can rise to the level of being discovered.

My best estimate on how often infidelity occurs in marriage is based on research I have performed as well as my experience in consulting to men and women.

It is a tricky question to answer because the data we have is unclear.

Some believe that their affair was never discovered, but they could be wrong.

Sometimes your spouse can discover your affair or strongly suspect that you are cheating, but never say a thing.

It is also possible for one to believe that they were discovered and end up spilling the beans because they were out maneuvered.

What sometimes happens is your husband (or wife) comes to suspect that you might be having an affair and starts inquiring about your behavior in ways that convinces you that you have been discovered.

Where in reality, while your husband may have suspected something, he was really never certain.

Maybe he is the kind of husband that is jealous about all sorts of things.  He may even be obsessed about you having an affair.

He might have been testing and probing to see what you might say or how you may behave when questioned about whether you had another lover.

Given all of this, I would estimate about 30% to 35% of sexual affairs are actually discovered.  Those numbers are less for emotional affairs that are discovered.

By the way, an emotional affair is when you profess your love for another and spend time with that person doing all the things that a loving couple would do, except for the sex part.

Perhaps you don’t even kiss or hold each other intimately, but the relationship you have with this other person is unmistakably close and intimate in almost every other way.

So if it is true that far less than 50% if affairs are discovered, why risk the potential damage of revealing that you are cheating?

Why not end the affair and admit to yourself that you made a terrible decision?

Wouldn’t that be the more pragmatic thing to do?

It just might be the better way to handle the sex outside the marriage situation.

Often women fear that their husbands’ “must know something” about their affair.

They may be riddled with doubts and uncertainty about whether they should just cave and tell their husband everything.

But more often than not, your husband doesn’t know what is going on behind the scenes.

More often than not your husband is busy in life and hasn’t noticed the things you worry about, even obsess over.

Maybe he has a slight suspicion, but it may not rise to the level of meaningful concern.

You should be aware that your guilt may lead you to over think your situation.

Unless your husband has specifically asked you or frequently inquires about your whereabouts or has cast you some really suspicious glances or stares, he likely doesn’t know.

Is It Easy To Spot A Cheating Wife

should you lie about adultery

Some people think it is easy to spot a liar.

And if you are having an affair with another man, you are in a way lying to your husband everyday.

So given that, you might think he has to be on to you.  But people lie to each other every day, many times.  It turns out, we humans are pretty good at lying and spinning a tall tale when it serves our interests.

So if your husband has not confronted you or accused you of infidelity (being unfaithful), then you may want to assume that he doesn’t know.

So let’s say you have ended the affair.

The argument goes that if you were to tell your husband that you have been unfaithful, you probably will blow up your marriage.

Just because you ended the affair doesn’t make him feel that much better.  He might not even believe you really ended it.

At best, you will likely cause great short-term chaos in your relationship.  At worst, you may lose your marriage.

While you may feel relieved that you have gotten weight of guilt off your chest and have come clean, telling your husband that you cheated could very well blow up your relationship.

The downside could be enormous if you end up destroying the trust that once existed.

Why risk losing your marriage if it is important to you?

That is the argument of not shooting yourself in the foot.

So which decision is best for you?

As I said at the outset of this article, marriages are very complicated in many ways and how your husband may react may be very different from the norm.

Is there really a predictable way a husband will react to news that their beloved wife cheated on them?

I don’t think so.

At minimum, unless he strongly suspected you cheated, he will be shocked by the news of your infidelity.

Even if a small part of him suspected you might be cheating, men and women alike will often delude themselves into believing all is well.

So I can’t really be certain what is best for you given the individuality of each person’s situation.

But when considering the lesser of the two evils principle, which choice could blow up to be the worse relationship result?

1.Choosing not to tell your husband that you slept with another man and hoping he never discovers your transgressions.

2. Or would it be better to just tell your husband that you were not faithful and hope for the best?

Option 1 gives you a decent chance that he doesn’t discover your affair and allows you an opportunity to learn from your mistakes and work on improving your marriage.

It is less than fully honest, but truth does not always lead to great results.

Option 2 guarantees your husband will learn that you were unfaithful and probably puts you in a worse position (i.e. odds wise) to repair the broken marriage.

While the second approach is more admirable, honest and upfront, sometimes pragmatism (i.e. Option 1) wins out in such matters.

 

How Do I Know If I Should Leave My Husband

It may be one of the toughest relationship questions you will ever face in your life.

And no one can really make that decision except you.  Now that doesn’t mean you can get help with figuring out how you might want to go about making the decision just a little bit easier.

That’s what I am here for, right!

But let’s face it.

There are so many considerations and no one has written the know all book on when to end the marriage.  It doesn’t exist because relationships between husband and wife are so complex and unique.

But don’t fret.

I can offer you some guidelines and general principles you should consider!

leaving my man

How will you come to know if you should leave your husband?  This answer is as almost as tough as knowing if you should marry someone in the first place.

In each case, it is not a decision that should be rushed.

But sadly, far too many people get caught up with misguided emotions or their perceived needs and end up making mistakes about who they will marry or why they are abandoning their marriage.

By the way, I recently wrote a related article that deals with the other side of the coin.  Namely, when a husband walks out on you.  What on earth do you do?  Feel free to take a look as there is some content in this article that also pertains to your situation.

My Husband Walked Out: Will He Ever Come Back To Me

Will you just wake up one day and know its all over and that you and the man you married are just ever going to be the loving couple that you imagined you would be?

Will you be struck by a sudden sense of enlightenment and realize you made the biggest mistake of your life?

No, it’s not going to happen that way.

We are not at the movies in which your life plays out like some fictional screenplay.

In your marriage many things have happened, good and bad, and sorting through these experiences and trying to place some kind of weighting on what you think is important and significant is almost always a huge personal challenge.

Is there a way for you to get a lot closer to your truth and what is best for you?

I think so.

But I don’t think that road to what is in your best interest is an easy one to navigate.

Of course, all marriages suffer from problems brought on by many factors.  So you sure don’t want to hurriedly toss the marriage aside just because you and your husband have fallen on hard times.

As long as you are married, you can expect that there will be a number personal challenges which will stretch your commitment and weaken your resolve.

problems in my marriage

Despite the depth of your marital problems, unless we are dealing with severe emotional or physical abuse, the decision to part ways with your husband and end the marriage is not going to be an easy one.

It will be gut wrenching.   Ending the marriage with your husband will be one of the most important decisions you will ever make.

There are no shortcuts to making such a decision.

Forget about completing a “should I leave my husband quiz“.  Your marriage, like everyone else’s, is far too complex to leave such a decision to math.

Clearly, knowing if your marriage should end is a matter largely left for the rationale side of your mind and what lies in the deepest recesses of your heart.

If you marriage is broken, what do you do?  Should you start over?

My Marriage is Broken – How Do I Start Over

The problem though is that it is not always easy to call upon our rational selves when it comes to seeing and understanding all of the important points we should consider about one’s marriage.

If you have children you probably already know that determining when to leave a marriage with kids is made all the more complicated.  Couples that part ways often discount the impact their decision has on their children.  For one thing, it can be hard to gauge how children will react to Mommy and Daddy breaking up.

It is a struggle everyday when you see the pain and heartache written across the faces of the kids because their Daddy isn’t there or that Mom and Dad are constantly fighting.

So how do you know when to leave a marriage with all these considerations plaguing your mind?

Part of you may want to go badly, while another part of you can get caught up in a whirlwind of uncertainty.

You may also wonder how to leave a marriage when you have little to no money in your pocket?

Obviously, finances play a role and if you are not working or are dependent on your husband for money, it makes the decision all the more difficult.

In the back of your mind you may say to yourself, “how can I leave my marriage peacefully“.  Usually when the marriage is breaking up and you have both lived in chaos, the last thing you want is more strife.  You don’t want all the drama associated with the collapse of all the marriages you have seen or heard about.

You and your husband may have tried very hard to make things work, yet knowing when to give up on your marriage will still be incredibly difficult.

Signs That It Is Time To End Your Marriage

worries around your marriage

I have learned over the years that sometimes the best marriage advice for couples who are experiencing troubled times comes from those who have lived through it and come out the other side in fine shape.

So  I am going to offer up some quotes and comments from folks just like yourself that saw the tell-tale signs that the relationship was headed to a place of no return.

These brave people are often my heroes because instead of withering away after going through really tough times, they took action and started off in a new direction, another journey if you will.

Before I share these women’s heartfelt observations, let me emphasis that just because your husband is exhibiting some of these behaviors doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage is head for the dumps.

It doesn’t have to mean that it’s time to end the marriage.

So with that said, just know that for these women the signs of a declining marriage did prove to serve as a catalyst for them to end and shut down their relationship with a man they once thought they would spend the rest of their lives with.

Bessie:

“I knew it was the beginning of the end for my husband and I when he stopped telling me he loved me.  Don’t get me wrong, that wasn’t the only trouble spot in our marriage.  There were lots.  But when the man you commit your heart to can’t bring himself to tell you that he loves you or feels affection for you, then something is way off.  Such was the case in my marriage.  I was living with a guy who cared little for trying to right his many wrongs.”

Nancy:

I got fooled into marrying a man who said he loved me, but he was just using me to get access to this country.  I should have known better but all of his words convinced me that we had something.  Then once married, everything changed. He cared little for my feelings or needs.  The whole marriage was just a sham.  It was a sexless marriage and looking back now, I feel certain I was just his gateway into this country.  I have kicked him out because why should I allow him to feed off of me.”

Belinda:

“I don’t know if I told you but when I saw it going wrong, it was when he insisted we should sleep apart.  He tried to explain to me that he was a restless sleeper and needed his personal time, but now I know it was a farce.  Some of the times he was not even in his room late at night.  He would sneak out and meet up with his new girlfriend.  The sleeping arrangements with my husband should have been a clue that we were headed for disaster.  I admit I was blinded to it at first.  I went along thinking if it helped him, it might help our marriage.  What  a fool I was, but no more.  I have told him to move out and I feel crushed about our marriage coming to an end but I can’t keep lying to myself any longer.”

We can never be certain what may trigger the decline of a marriage.  But certain things can usually clue you in on whether the relationship is in a healthy place.

If basic things are lacking like shared intimacy, expressions of love, or keeping a commitment to the vow of being faithful, then your marriage is probably entering into a dangerous zone.

Dysfunctional marriages come about through many things that can easily get fouled up.

So yes, a marriage can  get off the tracks.

But, it doesn’t mean you won’t be able to solve whatever serious problems your relationship is facing.

Nor does it mean that you and your husband were divined to be together for the rest of your life.

When making an important decision around whether you should end your marriage and strike off in a different direction, be sure to take a look at the totality of all the experiences you have had with your spouse.

Don’t make a decision around ending or  continuing your marriage unless you have consulted others whose advice you trust.

It is easy to get trapped or blinded into thinking about things in a certain way.

That is why it is important to gain a larger perspective before taking action on ending your relationship.

 

My Husband Walked Out: Will He Ever Come Back To Me

It is an awful feeling when you realize that the man you love…the guy you married who you once felt you could not do without…has told you that he is moving on.

In his mind he may be thinking he is going on to bigger and better things.  He is free, he thinks.  The handcuffs are off and his adventures are about to begin. Of course in many of these cases, the husband who seems so eager to leave, truly has no idea what he is getting himself into.

feeling alone after husband leaves

In your mind, you are probably wanting to crucify him.  How dare he stab you in the back like that….just announcing that he is through with the marriage and is moving on.

Indeed, if you are like most of the women I consult with, you are probably incensed that your husband who you once trusted like no other human being, has decided to walk out of your life.

Talk about taking things to the limit.

Usually, when a man packs his stuff and walks out of a marriage, things are gone really bad.  It can unbelievable when a husband deserts you.  I also explore this topic in the following post….

I Can’t Believe My Husband Deserted Me

The who, what, when, where, and why questions….these queries will haunt you if you let them.

But that is not always the case.

Sometimes everything fits together very quickly and you understand why they are leaving you.

Sometimes we get these guys that care little for how their actions impact you and all of things the two of you established in this world.

They just do it because of some impulsive reaction that reaches out and pulls them away from you.

Then there are those guys that have just thrown up their hands, giving up on the marriage, wanting nothing more to do with it.  They are not willing to do the hard work it takes to make a marriage successful.

Maybe such men weren’t marriage material to begin with.

Maybe they have some other woman on the side and were just looking for a reason to escape.

Sometimes it is never really clear.

We are left wondering what happened and how we are to pick up all the pieces of the relationship strewn all about.

picking up the pieces after a breakup

If I was to count all the “ifs and maybes” women have shared with me, they would number in the double digits and if we swept them all up and tried to make some sense of them, we would be left with a heaping pile of trash.

Whatever it was that caused your marriage break apart and meet its untimely end, you are unlikely to solve in your mind in the days to come.  So don’t try.

It will prolong your agony.

Whatever happened that resulted in you and your husband parting ways…just know that you are not alone.

This mini tragedy has befallen others.

You will come out of all this chaos intact.

And who knows….you might just discover a big truth about both yourself and your estranged husband which could positively change the course of your life.

I Am Hurting So Much Since My Husband Left Me

when your husband walks away

I realize that in the beginning part of your mindset could be possessed by the thought of: “I want my husband back”.

So what will come of your future?

This is the other thought you are probably obsessed with.

For the last many years, you and you husband were an inseparable couple.  You did everything together. Your routine were set and your were part of something larger than just yourself.  You were part of a union made up of two people.   And it probably felt good much of the time.

So you can’t help but think back to all the good times.  Your remember all those sweet moments.  You remember your dreams of the future with your husband.  You remember how happy you both seemed to be not that long ago.

This is how our minds work.  We remember the good stuff.

But we also can spend out time remembering the bad stuff and replaying it over and over again, becoming more angry, then more depressed.

Just know that is is normal to be prone to waves of anger and resentment.

How dare he tell you its over?“, you will think.

What did you do deserve such treatment?“, you will ask yourself repeatedly.

Why would your husband blame all the troubles of the marriage solely on you and walk out of your life like it was all your fault?

You think that no one deserves to be pushed aside and left behind like that.  And you are right.

If you husband acts in such a manner, then something is terribly wrong.

If the relationship between you and your man has disintegrated to such a point that he walks out of your life with little explanation, something is going on and you will eventually want to get to the bottom of it.

This is such a tough situation when a husband abandons his wife.  There are undoubtedly so many questions you will have.

If your husband has walked out on you, you also might be wondering, “what are my rights?”

What if you are married  with children?

You may be thinking, “my husband walked out on me and the kids and I need to protect myself.”

You will wonder what you are entitled to.

All the while you will be thinking how it is unimaginable that he would leave you and the kids, wondering what kind of man would do such a thing.

What if you have a little baby and the guy your are married to decides he has had enough and wants out of the marriage?

In my book, that is the ultimate form of selfishness and cruelty

Sometimes with your husband walking out of your life, he will not want to talk which usually compounds the situation because you probably won’t fully understand the what and why of everything.

Perhaps there was an argument and he decided to leave and walk out in a big puff.

Perhaps he is emotionally insecure or unstable and can’t be relied on to participate in a full life with another woman

Whatever it is, I understand well how this sort of outcome has stretched you in every which way.

Again, let me remind you that the pain you feel searing through your heart and body is not everlasting.

And the more you hear this and convince yourself that it is true, the sooner you will get over the cruel act of your husband.

The sooner you will be able to start looking at the bigger picture of your relationship and decide if you should strike out in a different direction.

Here is a list of reactions I have received from women whose husbands decided to give up on the marriage.  It is important you realize that such sadness can enter into other people’s lives, yet they all came out of it.  They all survived and are in a better place emotionally and relationship wise.

“I wept for days when he left me.  I did not see it coming.  I guess I was in my own shell thinking a certain way about our marriage, while all along he had other things in his mind.  When he told me to my face we were through, I didn’t believe it.  Now I just want my husband back.  I don’t know what comes next. Should I think of separation steps?  I don’t want that.  Part of me thinks he doesn’t want that either.  How do I get my husband after after all this?  This whole thing is crushing me.”

It was an unbelievable day.   I awaken and get all the kids to school.  My husband is lurking around like he wants to talk to me.  Then it happens.  He says he wants to separate.  He says the problems we have been undergoing are too great to solve.  I am not buying any of this since it just comes out of nowhere.  We haven’t fought in weeks.  Then this happens.  He is acting impulsively. I know it.  Should I just let him go?  Should I just let the separation thing happen without pushing back. Part of me thinks my husband will come back after the separation phase. But my inner demons are taking over. Has he fallen out of love with me?  How do you make your husband fall in love with you again after separation talk?  How do I make my husband come back home after all this?  I am so confused and don’t even know where to start.”

I am sitting here thinking that I am a lucky woman.  My husband left me for an old girlfriend.  I should have seen it coming.  She has been popping up in places and he has been acting way too weird about it.  Looking back, now I see that my husband has been conspiring behind the scenes.  I say good riddance.  I use to spend my entire day thinking about how to get my husband back from this other woman who has ruined my life.  Now I realize that his cheating ways were a godsend to me.  This other woman my husband has been carrying on with has actually saved my life.  He tried to hide it and I think he was planning on carrying on with her indefinitely.  But I finally came to my senses and have told him it’s over.  This cheating he did on me is the most disloyal act a husband can commit. For women out there wondering about how to get your husband to move back home after an affair, I say forget it.  Kick him out and let him learn his lesson that his fairy tale on how his life will work out is so full of crap.”

How Do You Cope After Your Husband Walks Out of Your Marriage?

coping with pain of breakup

When the dark clouds of a marriage gone awry hangs over your life, everything seems upside down.

All the things you use to take for granted has changed.  Your daily routines change.  Your sense of who you are and where your life is headed becomes clouded.

No doubt we could talk all day about the plethora of twisted feelings you are undergoing.

But there is no need for you to relive your pain.

Its there and it won’t go away any time real soon unless you act.

The pain of being left behind…being sold out by your husband will go away.

You have the capacity to rise above all of this.

How?

Start first by making it clear to your husband, in the event it is not, that he is not welcomed back given his destructive, irresponsible behavior.

He chose to walk out on you. That is a blow to the marriage.

He crossed a sacred marriage red line.

So if your husband later changes his mind after a few days upon reality hitting him square in the face, do let him wiggle his way back into your life to soon, if at all.

I am not saying the marriage is completely over and the two of you will never be together again.

I am saying that take the time you have with yourself and get to know you, again.

What You Shouldn’t Do If Your Husband Walks

don't beg for husband to return

What I am saying is that in the days and weeks following your husband walking out of the relationship, he needs to understand clearly that what he has done is a serious breach of trust and that if there is to be any healing of the wound, it needs to occur over time, on your terms.

Don’t beg for your husband to return back to the marriage.

Should I Beg For My Husband To Stay and Not Leave Me?

Don’t plead with your husband to stay.

Don’t call or text your husband asking to meet up with him to discuss his decision to leave you in the early days or weeks.

Don’t do any of those things in the immediate days following your husband’s departure.

Remember, he quit the relationship.

His act is indefensible, so don’t give him any avenues to try to change your mind about your time for independence.

Nor should you subject yourself to any potential verbal abuse he might throw your way.

So for the immediate future, close off the communications lines where it is practical.

When someone you love walks away, it is time to utilize a No Contact Period.

It is best for you and your husband.

You will need time to re-evaluate everything that is important to you and you shouldn’t trust your own judgement in those early days.

Just Because Your Husband Walked Out Doesn’t Mean You Have To Quit Living

celebrate a new life with hubby

Stay engaged in life.

Meet and make new friends.

Focus on being the best version of everything you love about yourself.

Surround yourself with friends that can support you.

Get outside and do things outside.  Sunshine and nature can do incredibly positive things for your attitude and mood.

Give yourself weeks to recover before you give any serious thought about what your plans for the future might be.

Of course, how a marriage can unravel and come apart differs for every couple.

The varying complexity in a couples’ history and how they interact can also influence in different ways how they may come back together again.

Some couples have a tempestuous relationship and walking away from each other is not unheard of.

The husband and wife may still be very much in love with each other, but for whatever reason, one of them decides to upend the marriage.

I have written elsewhere on this site about things you can do to get your husband back if you are still of a mind to pursue that aim.

But for now, remember, what is important is avoiding trying to get all the answers or come up with all the solutions to what has happened and what you should do about it.

Remember the law of little steps.

When something big happens to you that abruptly upsets your life, don’t take any large steps….make big or grand decisions.

Allow yourself time to recover and think rationally.

And  realize that getting to truly know your own feelings about important matters usually takes longer than you might think when it involves a big relationship breakup situation.