Should I Tell My Husband I Lied and Betrayed Him

When cheating on your husband, you are always walking a slippery slope.

Telling your husband that you cheated on him can be a frightening proposition. You are never sure how he might react to your betrayal.

You may not even be sure what to say or if you should even tell him the whole the truth.

You may fear that he will think the marriage has been a complete lie.

You may worry that he will never trust you again since you have been with another man.

running around and cheating

I get questions on this subject everyday.  For example…

Should I tell my husband I cheated on him? What do I next?  Should I say something?  Will he leave me if I tell him.  Do I dare tell him that I slept with another man.  What if I don’t and he discovers the affair?

Chris, Should I tell my husband I betrayed him?  I was weak in the moment and things just evolved. It’s over now, but I feel terrible.  I feel like I need to come clean.  I don’t think he knows but it’s killing me inside to hide this from him.  On one hand I feel so ashamed and regret what I did.  We tell each other everything and now I am hiding this terrible dark secret.

Usually my first thought when I get these kinds of questions is to caution the individual not to rush into doing anything rash.

Running straight to the husband and dropping an infidelity loaded bomb on him is not always the best strategy.

By the way, a while back I wrote a post that was designed to help men spot if their wife was betraying them.

You should read this as it will help clue you in on what not to do to give yourself up if that is your ultimate plan.

How To Know if Your Wife or Girlfriend Is Cheating on You

Clearly, whether you should reveal your sexual liaison with another man is a very sticky situation.

I guess I could tell you to never to do it.

I could argue that telling your husband such a horrible truth is going to set back your marriage.

Better to just end the affair and keep your mouth shut, right?

Perhaps.

I could also tell you that trying to fool your husband into thinking that you are not having an affair or hiding your  affair is a futile endeavor.

What if your husband finally discovers that you cheated on him?  Wouldn’t you have hell to pay?

What is one to do, then?

Well, let’s start off with a little history on cheating.

The Truth About Our Cheating Ways

truth of betrayal

The reality is that men and women do cheat on each other for lots of reasons.

Such behavior, though often destructive, is simply not going to go away because we have collectively learned our lesson.

Its not like we grow up and learn from our mistakes and pass on our great insights from one generation to the next.

The frequency of infidelity has remained about the same for decades.  That would suggest to me that sociology and biology plays an important role in choices we make.

Unfortunately, human behavior as it applies to sexual expression and truth telling doesn’t work that way.

As often as we think we know something is wrong and as often as we swear we will never fall under the spell of being unfaithful, it happens.

And it happens more frequently than couples realize.

How Often Does Infidelity Happen?

Some experts think that affairs occur in about 30 to 45% of marriages.

I am reluctant to be precise with the numbers because surveys do not always capture how often infidelity really occurs.

It is more common for people under 30.

It does happen a bit more frequently with men versus women.

Is Cheating on Your Spouse a Rationale Decision?

Cheating on your husband (or a husband cheating on his wife) is seldom a rationale decision.

It is not like you wake up one morning and decide you are going to become a cheater.

So why would your wife or husband succumb to infidelity?

That is a big question and calls for a separate post.  Look around my website and you will find several articles on this topic.

Today we are going to focus on the aftermath period (after the affair).

Specifically, I want to walk you through some of the ways you might want to think about this question.

Let’s explore whether you should come completely clean with your husband.

Should You Tell Your Husband That You Cheated on Him?

telling husband of your adultery

Over the years, I have gotten a lot of questions around this topic.

There are different permutations of this question of cheating.

So let’s say you cheated on your husband and never told him.   What do you do?

That’s one angle.

Let’s open up Pandora’s Box and explore some of the possible questions you might have.

You might ask….

When should I tell my husband that I cheated?

or…

Should I tell my husband I cheated before we got married?

or…

What if you were unfaithful many times with different men?

Should you tell him you were adulterous all those times?  Will that be too much for him to handle?

Should you tell him you cheated just once?

And if you end up spilling the beans, what do you do next?

How do you keep him from walking out of your life?

As a side note, I wrote a post about this specific outcome.  You should give it a read.

Should I Beg For My Husband To Stay and Not Leave Me?

Do you feel obliged to tell your husband about your affair for religious reasons?

They do say confession can cleanse the soul and lift us from our guilt.

But will telling the man you are married to that you cheated on him actually make things better?

Perhaps you might feel better for a short period of time.

Getting rid of that heavy load of guilt can be empowering.

But how likely is it that your husband will be crushed by the news of your infidelity?

Will your confession cause the marriage to spiral downward?

Should You Be Blamed for Being Unfaithful?

Your decision to commit adultery with another man may have occurred for a number of reasons.

I won’t judge you on whether your reasoning was stupid or foolish or justified in any way.

It is not my place to give you a lesson in morality and tell you that what you did was horrible.

My experience in these matters is that the circumstances leading up to one’s decision to be unfaithful are rarely simple or easily understood.

Who is to say that what you did was evil.  I honestly don’t think we can fully understand the whole picture that came before and during an affair.

Human behavior doesn’t necessarily work that way.

I am not saying cheating on a husband is good thing.  It rarely is.

I am just one who thinks that not much is achieved when we play the blame game.

It is better to look causes and fix them, then focus on the future.

Many very good and decent women have given in to their needs or impulses, ending up in the arms of another man.

Does Cheating Mean the Marriage is Over?

While my experience in advising women tells me that having sexual relations outside of a marriage usually leads to personal conflict and problems, along with total or near destruction of the marriage; it is not always so.

Marriages riddled with affairs are not always destroyed.

People can learn from the pain they cause others and to themselves and marriages can be saved.

If you want your marriage to survive this, you will have to fight for it.

You will have to play your cards right.

Your relationship need not come to an end.

It can actually grow and prosper.

Does It Matter Why I Cheated?

Our focus today is to examine whether or not you should confess to your husband or boyfriend.

What do you have to gain or lose if you tell your husband that you have been with another man?

That is what we want to look at more closely.

There are lots of ways the actual cheating could have unfolded.

It doesn’t matter whether you mistakenly thought you were in love with some other guy and later learned you made a mistake.

It’s not a question of whether you should tell your husband or boyfriend you cheated when you were drunk.

Or that you made love with his best friend.

Or you couldn’t help yourself and cheated on him because an old boyfriend came to town.

We won’t be focusing on whether it was your decision to break your vows and commit adultery just as a way to get back at him.

Or that you actually fell in love with another guy, but you also still love your husband and don’t want the marriage to end.

Or you just slipped into an affair that you didn’t intend to get involved in.

Or you were just curious what it would be like to cheat on your man so you thought you would give it a try.

It’s not a question of you straying because you felt sexually unfulfilled at home and needed the intimacy of being with someone you believed cared about you.

As you can see, there many things that can ultimately lead you into the arms of another man.

It happens.

I am not excusing it.

Nor am not saying it is a horrible thing you did.

It is just part of the reality of our species. It happens every day in marriages and relationships.

What matters now is given what has happened and taking into consideration why it happened, what should you do?

If you want to keep your marriage alive, should you tell your husband?

The Argument For Why You Should Tell Your Husband You Have Been Cheating on Him

should you tell him you cheated

There is a school of thought that says that a cheater will almost always be discovered and if you live with the lie of adultery, you will end up tormenting yourself and cause irreparable harm to your marriage.

The notion is that if you fess up to your husband and explain what happened, in time he will forgive you.

For many women, if they have cheated on their husband, a certain amount of guilt tends to play on their conscience.

It is the type of thing that even if you are not conscious of, is very likely playing on your subconscious, affecting you emotionally and physically in ways you don’t realize.

So why not unburden yourself with this hanging on your mind?

You may have a number of different rationalizations running through your mind about why you got involved in an affair in the first place.

You may be spending far too many hours shuffling through all these reasons trying to make sense of it.

And if you know that you love your husband and want your marriage to be true, without the burden of lies, this school of thought is that you should tell your husband the whole truth, holding nothing back.

After all, the truth sets you free, right?

So what is wrong with this line of thinking?

At first glance it seems like a reasonable proposition.

Why not unburden yourself of the lie that is at the center of your marriage?

Why not remove the guilt that is burdening you deep in your heart?

And if your worst fears are suggestive of future events, then it may just be a matter of time before you husband finds out that you cheated on him.

So why not control the situation and get ahead of it?

You sure don’t want your husband learning from someone else that you are unfaithful, right?

It’s true, in some of these cases, a husband may already suspect that you are having an affair.

You may have been sloppy.

Someone may have seen you with your lover.

Perhaps you checked into a motel to have sex with this other guy and left a financial trail that your husband catches wind of.

Maybe you let something slip in conversation and suddenly you are left scrambling trying to explain what you meant.

Who knows, it is even possible that the guy you are having an affair with has a wife or girlfriend.

Let’s say this other woman  figures out what is going on, then in turn contacts your husband causing damage to your marriage.

Now your are in deep trouble, you reason.

As you think about it more you realize there are hundreds of things that can go wrong, eventually leading to your deception being discovered.

But it is also very possible that none of those things happen and by telling your husband you cheated on him opens up the floodgates of marriage chaos.

The Argument for Not Telling Your Husband You Betrayed Him

hubby doesn't need to know

So if you are having an affair or had an affair and ended it, what is the possibility of your spouse finding out about it?

Part of that answer depends on whether you are still involved in a romantic, sexual affair or if you have ended it (or your lover ended it).

The odds of being “found out” decrease once you have ended the affair.

That doesn’t mean that your prior affair will never be discovered.

It can be.

But if you are not actively engaged in sneaking around and meeting up with your lover, there are fewer instances that can rise to the level of being discovered.

My best estimate on how often infidelity occurs in marriage is based on research I have performed as well as my experience in consulting to men and women.

It is a tricky question to answer because the data we have is unclear.

Some believe that their affair was never discovered, but they could be wrong.

Sometimes your spouse can discover your affair or strongly suspect that you are cheating, but never say a thing.

It is also possible for one to believe that they were discovered and end up spilling the beans because they were out maneuvered.

What sometimes happens is your husband (or wife) comes to suspect that you might be having an affair and starts inquiring about your behavior in ways that convinces you that you have been discovered.

Where in reality, while your husband may have suspected something, he was really never certain.

Maybe he is the kind of husband that is jealous about all sorts of things.  He may even be obsessed about you having an affair.

He might have been testing and probing to see what you might say or how you may behave when questioned about whether you had another lover.

Given all of this, I would estimate about 30% to 35% of sexual affairs are actually discovered.  Those numbers are less for emotional affairs that are discovered.

By the way, an emotional affair is when you profess your love for another and spend time with that person doing all the things that a loving couple would do, except for the sex part.

Perhaps you don’t even kiss or hold each other intimately, but the relationship you have with this other person is unmistakably close and intimate in almost every other way.

So if it is true that far less than 50% if affairs are discovered, why risk the potential damage of revealing that you are cheating?

Why not end the affair and admit to yourself that you made a terrible decision?

Wouldn’t that be the more pragmatic thing to do?

It just might be the better way to handle the sex outside the marriage situation.

Often women fear that their husbands’ “must know something” about their affair.

They may be riddled with doubts and uncertainty about whether they should just cave and tell their husband everything.

But more often than not, your husband doesn’t know what is going on behind the scenes.

More often than not your husband is busy in life and hasn’t noticed the things you worry about, even obsess over.

Maybe he has a slight suspicion, but it may not rise to the level of meaningful concern.

You should be aware that your guilt may lead you to over think your situation.

Unless your husband has specifically asked you or frequently inquires about your whereabouts or has cast you some really suspicious glances or stares, he likely doesn’t know.

Is It Easy To Spot A Cheating Wife

should you lie about adultery

Some people think it is easy to spot a liar.

And if you are having an affair with another man, you are in a way lying to your husband everyday.

So given that, you might think he has to be on to you.  But people lie to each other every day, many times.  It turns out, we humans are pretty good at lying and spinning a tall tale when it serves our interests.

So if your husband has not confronted you or accused you of infidelity (being unfaithful), then you may want to assume that he doesn’t know.

So let’s say you have ended the affair.

The argument goes that if you were to tell your husband that you have been unfaithful, you probably will blow up your marriage.

Just because you ended the affair doesn’t make him feel that much better.  He might not even believe you really ended it.

At best, you will likely cause great short-term chaos in your relationship.  At worst, you may lose your marriage.

While you may feel relieved that you have gotten weight of guilt off your chest and have come clean, telling your husband that you cheated could very well blow up your relationship.

The downside could be enormous if you end up destroying the trust that once existed.

Why risk losing your marriage if it is important to you?

That is the argument of not shooting yourself in the foot.

So which decision is best for you?

As I said at the outset of this article, marriages are very complicated in many ways and how your husband may react may be very different from the norm.

Is there really a predictable way a husband will react to news that their beloved wife cheated on them?

I don’t think so.

At minimum, unless he strongly suspected you cheated, he will be shocked by the news of your infidelity.

Even if a small part of him suspected you might be cheating, men and women alike will often delude themselves into believing all is well.

So I can’t really be certain what is best for you given the individuality of each person’s situation.

But when considering the lesser of the two evils principle, which choice could blow up to be the worse relationship result?

1.Choosing not to tell your husband that you slept with another man and hoping he never discovers your transgressions.

2. Or would it be better to just tell your husband that you were not faithful and hope for the best?

Option 1 gives you a decent chance that he doesn’t discover your affair and allows you an opportunity to learn from your mistakes and work on improving your marriage.

It is less than fully honest, but truth does not always lead to great results.

Option 2 guarantees your husband will learn that you were unfaithful and probably puts you in a worse position (i.e. odds wise) to repair the broken marriage.

While the second approach is more admirable, honest and upfront, sometimes pragmatism (i.e. Option 1) wins out in such matters.

 

How Do I Know If I Should Leave My Husband

It may be one of the toughest relationship questions you will ever face in your life.

And no one can really make that decision except you.  Now that doesn’t mean you can get help with figuring out how you might want to go about making the decision just a little bit easier.

That’s what I am here for, right!

But let’s face it.

There are so many considerations and no one has written the know all book on when to end the marriage.  It doesn’t exist because relationships between husband and wife are so complex and unique.

But don’t fret.

I can offer you some guidelines and general principles you should consider!

leaving my man

How will you come to know if you should leave your husband?  This answer is as almost as tough as knowing if you should marry someone in the first place.

In each case, it is not a decision that should be rushed.

But sadly, far too many people get caught up with misguided emotions or their perceived needs and end up making mistakes about who they will marry or why they are abandoning their marriage.

By the way, I recently wrote a related article that deals with the other side of the coin.  Namely, when a husband walks out on you.  What on earth do you do?  Feel free to take a look as there is some content in this article that also pertains to your situation.

My Husband Walked Out: Will He Ever Come Back To Me

Will you just wake up one day and know its all over and that you and the man you married are just ever going to be the loving couple that you imagined you would be?

Will you be struck by a sudden sense of enlightenment and realize you made the biggest mistake of your life?

No, it’s not going to happen that way.

We are not at the movies in which your life plays out like some fictional screenplay.

In your marriage many things have happened, good and bad, and sorting through these experiences and trying to place some kind of weighting on what you think is important and significant is almost always a huge personal challenge.

Is there a way for you to get a lot closer to your truth and what is best for you?

I think so.

But I don’t think that road to what is in your best interest is an easy one to navigate.

Of course, all marriages suffer from problems brought on by many factors.  So you sure don’t want to hurriedly toss the marriage aside just because you and your husband have fallen on hard times.

As long as you are married, you can expect that there will be a number personal challenges which will stretch your commitment and weaken your resolve.

problems in my marriage

Despite the depth of your marital problems, unless we are dealing with severe emotional or physical abuse, the decision to part ways with your husband and end the marriage is not going to be an easy one.

It will be gut wrenching.   Ending the marriage with your husband will be one of the most important decisions you will ever make.

There are no shortcuts to making such a decision.

Forget about completing a “should I leave my husband quiz“.  Your marriage, like everyone else’s, is far too complex to leave such a decision to math.

Clearly, knowing if your marriage should end is a matter largely left for the rationale side of your mind and what lies in the deepest recesses of your heart.

If you marriage is broken, what do you do?  Should you start over?

My Marriage is Broken – How Do I Start Over

The problem though is that it is not always easy to call upon our rational selves when it comes to seeing and understanding all of the important points we should consider about one’s marriage.

If you have children you probably already know that determining when to leave a marriage with kids is made all the more complicated.  Couples that part ways often discount the impact their decision has on their children.  For one thing, it can be hard to gauge how children will react to Mommy and Daddy breaking up.

It is a struggle everyday when you see the pain and heartache written across the faces of the kids because their Daddy isn’t there or that Mom and Dad are constantly fighting.

So how do you know when to leave a marriage with all these considerations plaguing your mind?

Part of you may want to go badly, while another part of you can get caught up in a whirlwind of uncertainty.

You may also wonder how to leave a marriage when you have little to no money in your pocket?

Obviously, finances play a role and if you are not working or are dependent on your husband for money, it makes the decision all the more difficult.

In the back of your mind you may say to yourself, “how can I leave my marriage peacefully“.  Usually when the marriage is breaking up and you have both lived in chaos, the last thing you want is more strife.  You don’t want all the drama associated with the collapse of all the marriages you have seen or heard about.

You and your husband may have tried very hard to make things work, yet knowing when to give up on your marriage will still be incredibly difficult.

Signs That It Is Time To End Your Marriage

worries around your marriage

I have learned over the years that sometimes the best marriage advice for couples who are experiencing troubled times comes from those who have lived through it and come out the other side in fine shape.

So  I am going to offer up some quotes and comments from folks just like yourself that saw the tell-tale signs that the relationship was headed to a place of no return.

These brave people are often my heroes because instead of withering away after going through really tough times, they took action and started off in a new direction, another journey if you will.

Before I share these women’s heartfelt observations, let me emphasis that just because your husband is exhibiting some of these behaviors doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage is head for the dumps.

It doesn’t have to mean that it’s time to end the marriage.

So with that said, just know that for these women the signs of a declining marriage did prove to serve as a catalyst for them to end and shut down their relationship with a man they once thought they would spend the rest of their lives with.

Bessie:

“I knew it was the beginning of the end for my husband and I when he stopped telling me he loved me.  Don’t get me wrong, that wasn’t the only trouble spot in our marriage.  There were lots.  But when the man you commit your heart to can’t bring himself to tell you that he loves you or feels affection for you, then something is way off.  Such was the case in my marriage.  I was living with a guy who cared little for trying to right his many wrongs.”

Nancy:

I got fooled into marrying a man who said he loved me, but he was just using me to get access to this country.  I should have known better but all of his words convinced me that we had something.  Then once married, everything changed. He cared little for my feelings or needs.  The whole marriage was just a sham.  It was a sexless marriage and looking back now, I feel certain I was just his gateway into this country.  I have kicked him out because why should I allow him to feed off of me.”

Belinda:

“I don’t know if I told you but when I saw it going wrong, it was when he insisted we should sleep apart.  He tried to explain to me that he was a restless sleeper and needed his personal time, but now I know it was a farce.  Some of the times he was not even in his room late at night.  He would sneak out and meet up with his new girlfriend.  The sleeping arrangements with my husband should have been a clue that we were headed for disaster.  I admit I was blinded to it at first.  I went along thinking if it helped him, it might help our marriage.  What  a fool I was, but no more.  I have told him to move out and I feel crushed about our marriage coming to an end but I can’t keep lying to myself any longer.”

We can never be certain what may trigger the decline of a marriage.  But certain things can usually clue you in on whether the relationship is in a healthy place.

If basic things are lacking like shared intimacy, expressions of love, or keeping a commitment to the vow of being faithful, then your marriage is probably entering into a dangerous zone.

Dysfunctional marriages come about through many things that can easily get fouled up.

So yes, a marriage can  get off the tracks.

But, it doesn’t mean you won’t be able to solve whatever serious problems your relationship is facing.

Nor does it mean that you and your husband were divined to be together for the rest of your life.

When making an important decision around whether you should end your marriage and strike off in a different direction, be sure to take a look at the totality of all the experiences you have had with your spouse.

Don’t make a decision around ending or  continuing your marriage unless you have consulted others whose advice you trust.

It is easy to get trapped or blinded into thinking about things in a certain way.

That is why it is important to gain a larger perspective before taking action on ending your relationship.

 

My Husband Walked Out: Will He Ever Come Back To Me

It is an awful feeling when you realize that the man you love…the guy you married who you once felt you could not do without…has told you that he is moving on.

In his mind he may be thinking he is going on to bigger and better things.  He is free, he thinks.  The handcuffs are off and his adventures are about to begin. Of course in many of these cases, the husband who seems so eager to leave, truly has no idea what he is getting himself into.

feeling alone after husband leaves

In your mind, you are probably wanting to crucify him.  How dare he stab you in the back like that….just announcing that he is through with the marriage and is moving on.

Indeed, if you are like most of the women I consult with, you are probably incensed that your husband who you once trusted like no other human being, has decided to walk out of your life.

Talk about taking things to the limit.

Usually, when a man packs his stuff and walks out of a marriage, things are gone really bad.  It can unbelievable when a husband deserts you.  I also explore this topic in the following post….

I Can’t Believe My Husband Deserted Me

The who, what, when, where, and why questions….these queries will haunt you if you let them.

But that is not always the case.

Sometimes everything fits together very quickly and you understand why they are leaving you.

Sometimes we get these guys that care little for how their actions impact you and all of things the two of you established in this world.

They just do it because of some impulsive reaction that reaches out and pulls them away from you.

Then there are those guys that have just thrown up their hands, giving up on the marriage, wanting nothing more to do with it.  They are not willing to do the hard work it takes to make a marriage successful.

Maybe such men weren’t marriage material to begin with.

Maybe they have some other woman on the side and were just looking for a reason to escape.

Sometimes it is never really clear.

We are left wondering what happened and how we are to pick up all the pieces of the relationship strewn all about.

picking up the pieces after a breakup

If I was to count all the “ifs and maybes” women have shared with me, they would number in the double digits and if we swept them all up and tried to make some sense of them, we would be left with a heaping pile of trash.

Whatever it was that caused your marriage break apart and meet its untimely end, you are unlikely to solve in your mind in the days to come.  So don’t try.

It will prolong your agony.

Whatever happened that resulted in you and your husband parting ways…just know that you are not alone.

This mini tragedy has befallen others.

You will come out of all this chaos intact.

And who knows….you might just discover a big truth about both yourself and your estranged husband which could positively change the course of your life.

I Am Hurting So Much Since My Husband Left Me

when your husband walks away

I realize that in the beginning part of your mindset could be possessed by the thought of: “I want my husband back”.

So what will come of your future?

This is the other thought you are probably obsessed with.

For the last many years, you and you husband were an inseparable couple.  You did everything together. Your routine were set and your were part of something larger than just yourself.  You were part of a union made up of two people.   And it probably felt good much of the time.

So you can’t help but think back to all the good times.  Your remember all those sweet moments.  You remember your dreams of the future with your husband.  You remember how happy you both seemed to be not that long ago.

This is how our minds work.  We remember the good stuff.

But we also can spend out time remembering the bad stuff and replaying it over and over again, becoming more angry, then more depressed.

Just know that is is normal to be prone to waves of anger and resentment.

How dare he tell you its over?“, you will think.

What did you do deserve such treatment?“, you will ask yourself repeatedly.

Why would your husband blame all the troubles of the marriage solely on you and walk out of your life like it was all your fault?

You think that no one deserves to be pushed aside and left behind like that.  And you are right.

If you husband acts in such a manner, then something is terribly wrong.

If the relationship between you and your man has disintegrated to such a point that he walks out of your life with little explanation, something is going on and you will eventually want to get to the bottom of it.

This is such a tough situation when a husband abandons his wife.  There are undoubtedly so many questions you will have.

If your husband has walked out on you, you also might be wondering, “what are my rights?”

What if you are married  with children?

You may be thinking, “my husband walked out on me and the kids and I need to protect myself.”

You will wonder what you are entitled to.

All the while you will be thinking how it is unimaginable that he would leave you and the kids, wondering what kind of man would do such a thing.

What if you have a little baby and the guy your are married to decides he has had enough and wants out of the marriage?

In my book, that is the ultimate form of selfishness and cruelty

Sometimes with your husband walking out of your life, he will not want to talk which usually compounds the situation because you probably won’t fully understand the what and why of everything.

Perhaps there was an argument and he decided to leave and walk out in a big puff.

Perhaps he is emotionally insecure or unstable and can’t be relied on to participate in a full life with another woman

Whatever it is, I understand well how this sort of outcome has stretched you in every which way.

Again, let me remind you that the pain you feel searing through your heart and body is not everlasting.

And the more you hear this and convince yourself that it is true, the sooner you will get over the cruel act of your husband.

The sooner you will be able to start looking at the bigger picture of your relationship and decide if you should strike out in a different direction.

Here is a list of reactions I have received from women whose husbands decided to give up on the marriage.  It is important you realize that such sadness can enter into other people’s lives, yet they all came out of it.  They all survived and are in a better place emotionally and relationship wise.

“I wept for days when he left me.  I did not see it coming.  I guess I was in my own shell thinking a certain way about our marriage, while all along he had other things in his mind.  When he told me to my face we were through, I didn’t believe it.  Now I just want my husband back.  I don’t know what comes next. Should I think of separation steps?  I don’t want that.  Part of me thinks he doesn’t want that either.  How do I get my husband after after all this?  This whole thing is crushing me.”

It was an unbelievable day.   I awaken and get all the kids to school.  My husband is lurking around like he wants to talk to me.  Then it happens.  He says he wants to separate.  He says the problems we have been undergoing are too great to solve.  I am not buying any of this since it just comes out of nowhere.  We haven’t fought in weeks.  Then this happens.  He is acting impulsively. I know it.  Should I just let him go?  Should I just let the separation thing happen without pushing back. Part of me thinks my husband will come back after the separation phase. But my inner demons are taking over. Has he fallen out of love with me?  How do you make your husband fall in love with you again after separation talk?  How do I make my husband come back home after all this?  I am so confused and don’t even know where to start.”

I am sitting here thinking that I am a lucky woman.  My husband left me for an old girlfriend.  I should have seen it coming.  She has been popping up in places and he has been acting way too weird about it.  Looking back, now I see that my husband has been conspiring behind the scenes.  I say good riddance.  I use to spend my entire day thinking about how to get my husband back from this other woman who has ruined my life.  Now I realize that his cheating ways were a godsend to me.  This other woman my husband has been carrying on with has actually saved my life.  He tried to hide it and I think he was planning on carrying on with her indefinitely.  But I finally came to my senses and have told him it’s over.  This cheating he did on me is the most disloyal act a husband can commit. For women out there wondering about how to get your husband to move back home after an affair, I say forget it.  Kick him out and let him learn his lesson that his fairy tale on how his life will work out is so full of crap.”

How Do You Cope After Your Husband Walks Out of Your Marriage?

coping with pain of breakup

When the dark clouds of a marriage gone awry hangs over your life, everything seems upside down.

All the things you use to take for granted has changed.  Your daily routines change.  Your sense of who you are and where your life is headed becomes clouded.

No doubt we could talk all day about the plethora of twisted feelings you are undergoing.

But there is no need for you to relive your pain.

Its there and it won’t go away any time real soon unless you act.

The pain of being left behind…being sold out by your husband will go away.

You have the capacity to rise above all of this.

How?

Start first by making it clear to your husband, in the event it is not, that he is not welcomed back given his destructive, irresponsible behavior.

He chose to walk out on you. That is a blow to the marriage.

He crossed a sacred marriage red line.

So if your husband later changes his mind after a few days upon reality hitting him square in the face, do let him wiggle his way back into your life to soon, if at all.

I am not saying the marriage is completely over and the two of you will never be together again.

I am saying that take the time you have with yourself and get to know you, again.

What You Shouldn’t Do If Your Husband Walks

don't beg for husband to return

What I am saying is that in the days and weeks following your husband walking out of the relationship, he needs to understand clearly that what he has done is a serious breach of trust and that if there is to be any healing of the wound, it needs to occur over time, on your terms.

Don’t beg for your husband to return back to the marriage.

Should I Beg For My Husband To Stay and Not Leave Me?

Don’t plead with your husband to stay.

Don’t call or text your husband asking to meet up with him to discuss his decision to leave you in the early days or weeks.

Don’t do any of those things in the immediate days following your husband’s departure.

Remember, he quit the relationship.

His act is indefensible, so don’t give him any avenues to try to change your mind about your time for independence.

Nor should you subject yourself to any potential verbal abuse he might throw your way.

So for the immediate future, close off the communications lines where it is practical.

When someone you love walks away, it is time to utilize a No Contact Period.

It is best for you and your husband.

You will need time to re-evaluate everything that is important to you and you shouldn’t trust your own judgement in those early days.

Just Because Your Husband Walked Out Doesn’t Mean You Have To Quit Living

celebrate a new life with hubby

Stay engaged in life.

Meet and make new friends.

Focus on being the best version of everything you love about yourself.

Surround yourself with friends that can support you.

Get outside and do things outside.  Sunshine and nature can do incredibly positive things for your attitude and mood.

Give yourself weeks to recover before you give any serious thought about what your plans for the future might be.

Of course, how a marriage can unravel and come apart differs for every couple.

The varying complexity in a couples’ history and how they interact can also influence in different ways how they may come back together again.

Some couples have a tempestuous relationship and walking away from each other is not unheard of.

The husband and wife may still be very much in love with each other, but for whatever reason, one of them decides to upend the marriage.

I have written elsewhere on this site about things you can do to get your husband back if you are still of a mind to pursue that aim.

But for now, remember, what is important is avoiding trying to get all the answers or come up with all the solutions to what has happened and what you should do about it.

Remember the law of little steps.

When something big happens to you that abruptly upsets your life, don’t take any large steps….make big or grand decisions.

Allow yourself time to recover and think rationally.

And  realize that getting to truly know your own feelings about important matters usually takes longer than you might think when it involves a big relationship breakup situation.

I Can’t Stand My Husband: Married and Miserable

Recently I heard from a lady who came to me in tears telling me she can’t stand her husband.

She explained that she has been married and feeling miserable for quite some time now and needed somebody to talk her down from some of her worst fears, emotions, and feelings.

“I can’t stand my awful husband and am miserable”, she declared.

Here is part of her story that describes some of the miserable experiences with her husband who she swears must be the worst husband a woman could ever get hitched up to.

I warn you, her story sounds pretty bad and this woman’s list of complaints against her husband are long and winding.

But know that in the end, her relationship actually got better.  Eventually, she went from barely being able to stand her husband to a place where the two of them had committed to start over and appreciate each other’s space and offer each other the gift of kindness.

misery and marriage is something to avoid

Now I would like to think it had something to do with the relationship advice I gave her.  And I am sure that had something to do with it.  But the larger truth is my client figured out that her problem was not because  her husband was a rotten scoundrel.  Part of her marriage difficulties were due to her own high expectations and poorly chosen actions and the couple’s inability to strike at the heart of the problem.

While this was not the case in this situation, what if you really feel you married the wrong guy?  What can you do.  Well, I talked about this in this post if you wish to gain some greater insights…

Did I Marry The Wrong Man For Me?

Anyway, let’s get back to my client. Ready, here we go.  Here is what she had to say….

I thought I had made the right decision to marry this man.  But things in my marriage have disintegrated rapidly. I can’t even stand my husband touching me. It use to not be that way.  Our sex life was good and we did it often.  But now I can barely resist not running out the door, leaving him forever.  What is one to do when you feel your love has turned completely into hate.  I don’t care to have sex with him.  Things have to be his way almost all the time.  I don’t want to be around my husband any more and need help getting out of this mess of a relationship.

I feel like he is hanging over me all the time, telling me what I can or can’t do and why I am always wrong.  He can be so petty.  My friends hate to come by and spend time with me because he gets jealous.  He makes me feel I have to give him an accounting of everything I do when I leave the house.   In the beginning of our relationship, I loved his attention and he made me feel like I was his everything. Now it feels like he is smothering me and I can stand it.  I am afraid to tell him the truth of how I feel about all this.  As I said, I use to like his attention and insistence we do everything together.

He expects sex from me and has no clue I am furious with him much of the time because of his selfishness and insistence that he makes all the decisions. If you ask him, he says our problems stem from me not wanting to make love with him.  He is clueless.  Why would any woman want to be with a man who insists that she can’t do anything she wants?  Why should I feel attracted to him if he criticizes me and finds fault at the least little thing he thinks I did wrong.  I am tired of being picked on all the time. I need to be my own girl and do things that I want to do, but my husband has taken that away from me.

Things didn’t just fall apart for us immediately.  I guess it’s that way for most everyone.   My girlfriend told me that she and her husband don’t get along anymore either and they have issues in the bedroom also.  She complains that her man always seems to annoy her.  I got that problem too. But when I compare what she has to deal with versus what I have to put up with, it is no comparison. Misery doesn’t come close to describing what I feel everyday and I come to you asking for some help.

If I could just have a sliver of hope I would be so grateful.  Look, it comes down to this.  I can’t stand to be around my husband anymore and I don’t say that lightly.   I feel like I want to hide from him or escape.   He is thoughtless. He only thinks of one thing these days (sex) and I guess that is all he believes I am good for.  Being married to this man is like a sentence and I don’t want to serve it anymore. I know you probably think I am overreacting, but I am sure other women who have been in this situation would understand.  What do you do when your husband treats you like you are stupid and shouldn’t have any important voice in anything. He controls everything and I feel trapped and used.  As miserable as I feel most of the time, I am also angry.  

He once told me that he doesn’t think I am pretty anymore and should lose more weight.  I know he was just trying to get back at me because he came on to me and I told him his body disgusted me.  When we argue he threatens me with kicking me out and putting me on the street.  That is so stupid because he really can’t do without me.  

I know he is just trying to hurt me. But it scares me to hear those ugly words. I now he is angry at me because I reject him sexually as payback.  No wife should feel like they have to make love to their husband just because he wants it.  He has no clue what turns on a woman.  I can’t even talk to him about it because things usually end up in a fight and neither of us listen to the other.

My girlfriends tell me he is causing me terrible emotional damage and said they will take me in.  I think I should move out and teach him a lesson.  But I don’t know what to do and am afraid he will stalk me if I go off and live somewhere else.  I really don’t want to but  I don’t think I love him in the same way as I use to.  I am just miserable and confused.  I am like his play thing.  I want out of this situation, but don’t know how I should go about getting out from under my husband’s control. Help me please!  I am married and miserable and have no clue how to get away from this wretched marriage.

regaining control of your marraige

When I was reviewing what my client was telling me, I felt sad for her but also realized her emotions were all over the place.  I can hear the pain in her words, but I also suspected she was in need of venting.  The good news is I know there is help.

Indeed, if you feel your marriage is broken you have to start over, dug into this post as I cover a lot of topics you might find interesting….

My Marriage is Broken – How Do I Start Over

It almost always darkest just before you pull yourself out of your pain and take action to develop a plan and implement it. It is also sometimes helpful to have someone around to share you story.

Just getting your story out there and unloading your pain and fears can be therapeutic in itself.  When I reached out to this woman to gain more insight into what else was going on in her marriage, she admitted that while her relationship was in a bad place, she had exaggerated her situation and emotional condition somewhat.

That did not mean she was not suffering and that she was perfectly content with her husband and his behavior.  There were plenty of problems, many stemming from her husband’s tendencies to control her life and his lack of sensitivity to her needs.

But when speaking with her I learned that she was going through a bad spell and wanted to lash out at her husband every way she could and portray him in the most negative light because she was feeling so hopeless and angry at that moment.

It turned out she had no interest in leaving her husband and she did list a number of positive attributes he possessed which she valued.

But the occasions in which she felt miserable in her marriage where far too frequent and she wanted to know what she could do about it.

Ending The Misery in Your Marriage

finding happiness in your marriage again

If you can’t stand the sight of your husband and feel miserable about being married to the man you once thought would be your Prince Charming, then in most cases you have your work cut out for you.

In this case, while things looked really bad on the surface of the marriage, as I probed deeper, I saw some areas in which the marriage seemed to be well grounded.

As far as risk of separation and divorce, I believed the odds to be low.

Here is why.

It was clear to me there was dysfunction in her marriage.  The woman I was consulting with was unhappy and miserable.  But after some consultation, she agreed that there were some areas of strength and she really did not want the entire relationship to come crashing down.

She wanted to have a baby with her husband, but didn’t feel they were ready as a couple to manage all the challenges a baby would bring to their lives.  Of course, her husband wanted their sex life to improve.  So did she.

He didn’t understand how on one hand she would talk of wanting to have a baby (he was OK with the idea), but when it came time for intimacy, she would withhold that which he wanted. They were at a crossroads, neither understanding what was truly important to the other and nor did they understand the important tenets of marriage.

There were three things missing from their relationship and for things to get back on track, they needed to immediately address each one.

Giving Each other The Space of Love

give each other love space

My advice was that the routines of marriage had caught up with them.  After some followup discussion, I learned that it wasn’t that her husband forbid that she couldn’t go off and do things by herself.  He just strongly preferred she stayed home with him.  She went along with and for awhile it worked, until it didn’t.

Her husband could be controlling and domineering and she resented that.  But she was not a prisoner in her own house.  It was just that she had gotten caught up in the routine.

Also,  being strong-willed, she just didn’t like it when her husband tried to insist on things she didn’t want to do and she felt compelled to go along with his ideas, even when she wasn’t fully behind them.

Since they were married, they had always been together and were starting to discover all the little things that annoyed the other.  If not checked, such little annoyances can grow to be larger problems.

Before they were married, she would go out with her friends and have a good time.  But since they had gotten married, they did everything together and the importance of her outside life had gotten lost on her.  So the few times she would go out, he would feel left out and when she got back, he would pick on her and make her feel guilty about going out.

Clearly, his behavior represented a selfishness in the marriage around controlling her time.  In came from an insecurity that if she was out having fun with some else, then he must not be good enough for her.  This led to conflict later when she returned.

I told her they needed to get back to having some of their old life back in which they each did things separately at times.  That is how you grow as an individual and when you prosper individually, you can bring more back to the marriage.

I explained that the sooner they could give the gift of space to each other, the better.  I recommended she take a trip with some of her friends for several days.  But before doing so, I explained it was critically important that she sit down and tell him the truth of her feelings and talk about these three areas of their marriage they needed to make progress in.

No couple will be successful if they cannot spend time apart doing their own thing.  It is just not normal not to have your own life and own hobbies and taking time to discover new things about yourself and enjoy the other relationships in your life.  This is critically important.

So I explained she needed to have a heart to heart discussion with her husband and convince him that the tighter he tries to hold on to her, the worse it is for both of them.  And most importantly, I explained to her that her husband needs to learn that he too should also spend time away, doing things with his friends or by himself.  It seemed he had become too reliant on the routines the two of them had created once they got married and as a result, the marriage was getting stale and suffering.

When you have time to spread your wings and do things that you enjoy by yourself or with friends, you come to appreciate the other things in your life.

You come to see life offers so much more and when you can enjoy other things the world offers you.  You come to appreciate more the time you spend with your husband more when you are away from him.

The Gift of Kindness

being kind to the one you love

One of the most beautiful aspects of a marriage is when a couple of practices the art of kindness.  It seems that my client’s marriage had disintegrated to such a point that little kindness was being demonstrated.

Their daily, dull routines consisted of petty arguments and conflict over all sorts of things.  Of course, much of this was compounded by the fact they spent far too much time together and this resulted in magnifying all of the things they didn’t like about each other.

Saying and doing simple and kind things each and every day to and for each other is a powerful love potion.

But before they could practice the art of kindness and lift themselves from the miserable environment that had created for each other, they needed to strike at the heart of the problem.

One big problem that persisted in their marriage was the weaponizing of sex.

Exploring a New Sexual Understanding

finding a new way to express your sexual understanding

When sex becomes a weapon by withholding intimacy, it almost always leads to destructive results.

In the beginning of the marriage, they both enjoyed making love frequently.  It was an important part of how they connected and when their sexual intimacy declined, it was no surprise that they began having the most serious of their marital difficulties.

I suggested that when discussing these three areas of improvement, she start first with the discussion of sex.  I explained she should bring up all three of the opportunity areas together because I believe they are all interconnected and by making meaningful improvement in these areas, their marriage relations will improve markedly.

I told her she should admit she the was using sex as a means to hurt him.  The admission itself will get his attention because most men snap to attention when the topic turns to sex.

Most men think of sex as a physical way of gaining and giving pleasure to their wife.  The feelings and thoughts men have around making love with their wife can be overpowering.

For women, sex is associated with important emotional connections to the one they love.  Men sort of understand this, but not fully.  All they know is that if they are not getting it, they are unhappy and will tend to hold it against you.

Instead of looking at the underlying reason for why sex is not plentiful in their marriage and addressing it with their wife, men will tend to hold a grudge and sometimes negative attitudes feelings will creep into their thoughts about you…sometimes without even realizing it.

In a way, men can be almost child like in their ignorance of understanding a woman’s view of sexual relations and vice versa.

So by telling your husband you very much want to explore a new sexual understanding involving much greater intimacy (perhaps even greater eroticism) you will immediately get his attention, his fullest of attention.

Those are magical words to a man.  Sex, erotic, and greater frequency.

So what you say next will be important.  Admit that you have used sex in your marriage in a certain way.  But also explain that you find it difficult to make love fully and aggressively when you carry resentments.  This is when you should be very open and talk about the importance of the other things you feel is important to talk about.

Weave in and out of these three topics.  Talk about how important it is that the two of you have intense and gratifying sex.  Remember, using words like “intense” when it comes to sex, gets your husband to snap to attention.  He will be more willing and ready to understand what he needs to do differently to please you.

Then talk about how important it is that you both have time to do the things you want to do, alone.  Explain how having your own life and sense of individual freedom, turns you on.  Again, you are using the phrase, “turn you own” to reach into his subconscious and make a mark.

Talk about the importance of being kind to each other when you are together. Then come back again to the discussion of greatly increasing the regularity of having sex and doing it in ways that neither of you have explored before.  Then come back to the topic of your need to be your own person and do things with your friends.  Then rotate back to the notion of coming back from a day out with your friends and  enjoying a quiet and intimate evening with your husband.

I concluded my discussion with my client by telling her that if the two of them could make progress in these three areas of their marriage, the sky is the limit as she and her husband will invariably develop new routines and create a new understanding of how they should spend their time together and away from each other.

How Do You Make Your Husband Fall In Love With You Again

When you and your husband fell in love, it probably felt like all your dreams came true.

Everything you thought it would feel like at the time he told you he cherished you and felt closer to you than anyone else in his world is probably a memory you will forever hold on to.

It is something special when you can give away your heart to the man you love and trust.  Love is knowing that you are part of something bigger than yourself. It is knowing that your husband will keep you safe and be there for you when you really need it.

Being loved by a husband is more than what you can explain or comprehend.

And likewise, the feelings you derive from your husband receiving your gift of love and responding in kind is divine.

So it is understandable how one can feel crushed when that loving feeling begins to go into decline.

Has Your Husband Withdrawn His Love?

making your husband love you again

When love leaves your life…when you come to believe your husband is falling out of love with you, it is a feeling that leaves you in utter despair.

So high up the ladder of happiness we climb when someone we love tells us and shows us how much they care about every aspect of our being.

It is something many women dream of attaining, that deep unwavering commitment of a lover’s embrace and those precious words of assurance.

So when you get even the least bit of an inkling that your husband or boyfriend is withholding his deepest of affection or pulling away from those feelings he shared with you once before, a sense of deep hurt, even panic can take a hold of you.

By the way, let me point you to a post I wrote recently about husbands who start to act differently around you.  It might just crack the code about what is really go on with your husband.

Why Is My Husband Acting Different and Strange Around Me?

One of my clients, Sally, shared her story of a lover’s climb up the tender ladder of ecstasy and her fall from those lofty heights when her husband told her that he did not think her loved her in the same way anymore.

It was a crushing feeling when my husband dropped the “he does not love me” bomb on me.  It all happened 8 months ago. We had been fighting and he just blurted it out.  I know part of him didn’t mean it, but I can’t help but wonder if he really meant it and what might be brewing under the surface. He isn’t the type of man that shows his real feelings very often.   Later that week I brought it up again and asked him why he said it and if he really was feeling differently toward me. That is when my world started spinning.  My husband started to tell me that he has not felt the same about me for years and that he thought we were in a deep  rut. He told me the deep affection, even the fondness he use to feel for me was missing and that he was thinking of divorcing me.  I couldn’t believe me ears.  I was stunned and didn’t know what to say to him as he sat there just telling me he feels nothing for me and that it has been that way for a good while. I didn’t even know where to begin in responding to him and he seemed relieved to get it off his chest.  Can you love someone and then it just comes to an end?  Where does all the tenderness go?  How is it that only a few short years ago he seemed infatuated with everything I did, yet now I am barely even in his thoughts?  My husband kept telling me that he thinks he is different from other people and that I really didn’t do much of anything wrong, but he has to follow his feelings and I must accept it.  I am sorry Chris, but I can’t accept such selfishness.   The feeling of being  rejected and stunned by my husband’s revelation has turned to hate.  I confess I may have overreacted.  I ran him out of my house and told him I am so glad we never had babies together.  I know I went overboard by flying into a hateful rage, but the nerve of that man still haunts me and I am not sure if I want to trust men anymore.

Over time I convinced Sally that she would meet another and could learn to trust again.  Most everyone is subject to a bad, even horrible experience with a man.   Relationships seldom turn out to be what you imagined they would be.

It is the nature of both men and women to explore, even struggle in order to find their way into relationships that work for them.  If you are a lucky one, you will choose wisely and work to make things work even better.  But do not feel any less if your relationship with a boyfriend or husband turns sour.  It is in many ways part of our journey through life.

Unfortunately, it is sometimes not your choosing to find yourself out of a relationship, from a man you met that got cold feet or just wasn’t right for you.

So does that mean we are destined to possibly lose our husband’s love?

Are our odds of making love stick no better than 50/50?

Is marriage balanced on a precarious tipping point in which your husband could wake up any day and decide you are not for him?

My answer is that while the future, particularly when it comes to romance, love, and attachment is nearly impossible to predict or rely upon, the beauty and fulfillment that comes with giving and receiving love is far too valuable to give up on.

There will be challenges to even the best of marriages and when we speak of “love”, whatever you might think, just trust that it is an invisible force that neither comes quickly into your life and nor does it rapidly steal away.

What Happened To Your Husband’s Devotion and Tenderness?

is all the tenderness gone

What kind of man marries you, then wakes up one day and tells you that he doesn’t love you or is NOT in love with you.

It seems horribly unfair to learn the dreaded truth of what your husband may have secretly held away from you all those many months or years.

But can you trust what he says?  Does he really know what his true feelings are?  Does he even know what love truly is?  Or is he chasing some foolish emotional filled delusion and has lost sight of what he already has going for him.

It is a difficult thing to talk about because the whole notion of love is such a debatable topic.  When we speak of your husband loving you or not, are we talking of a physical love?

Has the sex life between the two of you waned to such an extent that your husband has foolishly concluded he just doesn’t feel it anymore for you?

Or are we talking about love as may be measured by our emotional intelligence?

Does your husband think that he no longer feels love for you because time has passed and his needs have changed and he doesn’t feel as connected or attached?

All of these things sound scary, even awful if you think that it might be happening to you.

Just thinking of your husband no longer being in love with you and making you twist in the wind as you try to do everything to please him is exhausting.

But if there is one thing we can be sure of, it is that love is not such a pliable thing.  It doesn’t just come into your life, then vanish overnight.

So while our feelings for our spouse can change over time and we can come to appreciate our lover with greater fondness or with lesser appreciation, love is much more often a fixture in the relationship.

It is not moved easily once it gains traction.

Where Has All The Love Gone To?

why does your husband pull away

I have had many question over the years from my clients about their husband’s lack of love or his unwillingness to shower kindness.

Many women seek me out to try to piece together what has happened in their marriage to cause their boyfriend or husband, the love of their life, to withdraw his affection or worse, offer it to another woman.

These women want to know what they can do to get him back.  You, along with many other women, may not be ready to let your husband’s love slip away. You may be motivated to do everything you can think of to stop his love from sliding out of your life.

You may want to now what you can do to make your husband fall back in love with you so that things can get back to normal.  The thought of going another day without feeling he thinks of you as his Princess, the one he cannot do without, may have paralyzed you from enjoying life.

And it is not just the sense of feeling wanted or part of something that is bigger than yourself.  Your own physical needs may be crying out to be fulfilled.  So how do you make your husband want you sexually again if you think his heart has gone empty for you?

Clearly these two things, love and sex, are very different.

But they share a common place in most people’s mind.  One is not easily given up without the willingness to share the other.  You want to be able to keep your husband interested in you.  More than that, you would be thrilled to learn how to make your husband love you madly.

You reason, perhaps I can get him to realize how he feels about me if I manipulate my husband’s thoughts.  So you might be thinking of how to make your husband jealous.  After all, he once found you incredibly attractive.  And that probably hasn’t changed a lot if you know how to dial it back in.  He married you or if it is your boyfriend we are talking about, he made a commitment to be with you.  You have a lot more leverage than you realize.

So you reason that there still must be something underneath your husband’s needs and desires that you can penetrate and turn to your advantage.  And you wouldn’t be wrong.

If your man has been lured away by another woman, you might be wondering how to make your husband love you again after he cheated.  Of course that would not be the first of thoughts that plow through your mind if you catch your husband cheating on you.

But at some point in the aftermath of an affair being discovered and the two of you seeking to work through this painful episode in your life, it would not be unusual for you to question if whether your husband’s love for you has disappeared.

If you find yourself in this situation, just know that rarely does a husband love you less just because he made a terrible decision to be with another woman. Other factors are usually drivers of his behavior to cheat.

One should not confuse love with attraction or lust.

While these things operate in our mind together at times, attraction and lust can wax and wane by small and large degrees.

Love on the other hand is more of a constant once it forms a place in our heart. It is not easily attained and it is not easily lost.

So if you come to believe that your husband is falling out of love with you or that this amazing feeling of connection the two of you share is being broken for good, you are probably wrong.  Even if he insists this is so, it is more likely your husband doesn’t truly know his heart.

When cupid strikes, this phenomenon that pulled your hearts together is very likely still ever-present in your husband.

It may seem like your marriage is going down the drain and that your husband has given up on you, but I say, “not so fast”.

Don’t confuse  hardships and setbacks (however serious they may be) as telltale signs that your marriage or relationship is on the chopping block.

Don’t believe that it is a forgone conclusion that your husband’s declaration that he doesn’t feel the same way about you is a sign of the exodus of love.

This magical feeling that arose in your life was a gift not offered up lightly.

In return, you reciprocated and shared with your husband the love you have in your heart for him.  Love is that which keeps you and your man attached.  And it is not easily swayed to leave your life, despite how things might look like on the surface.

Remember that.  Don’t be too quick to conclude that your husband’s true affection for you has been abandoned.

We all go through cycles in which we think we know and feel that which is true. This could be what is going on with your husband.  These short term periods in which we think we have it all together and are truly connected with our feelings can mislead us.

It often takes longer to truly know the face of love.  Time is almost always the final arbitrator about such things.

 Helping Him Discover His Dearest Wife

making him discover you again

As I have argued, I think it is rare that love just runs away from you, never to be seen again.

But can this special feeling, this force of life long attachment fray at the edges?   Can love in every form it takes begin to lose its luster?

Can the man you feel so close to in every respect begin to question his own emotional commitment to you?

Yes.

The answer is yes to all those questions.  So what can you do to turn things around?  What is it that you can put into motion that will arrest the slide and turn it around so that your husband feels the same way for you as he did when he slipped the ring on your finger?

Sometimes we think we can make a difference if we do something big and splashy.

Falling in love was sort of like that (we think).  That was what it may have felt like to you when you look back on your early formative experiences with your husband.

These memories of love gushing into your life and making you realize that you have finally found the man you have dreamed of can have a powerful effect on our perception.

So some of the women I have worked with naturally believe that they must do something big and thunderous to awaken their husband’s embers of love which no longer burn as bright.

They think in terms of big acts to get their spouse’s attention.

Perhaps making big gestures or some kind of highly visible and emotional proclamations, showering their husband with assurances that you love him more than anyone could love another.

But sometimes lost in all of these memories is the truth.

We think back to the past and remember that which we think is true.  But sometimes, particularly when it comes to how love enters into our lives, we forget what actually transpired.

It is easy to remember the first kiss.  Your husband’s love for you seems rampant at that time, exploding into your life.

You remember making sweet and tender love with your husband.   The sex the two of you have for the first time and those other times in those early days color your memory with a powerful reminder of just what love looks and feels like.

And can a woman ever forget the day her husband proposed to her and wedded her?

As memorable and beautiful these thing all are, they actually are big events in your life and stand out because of the impact they had on you.

The flow of neurotransmitters (love’s chemicals of the brain) were coursing through you at that time in unprecedented levels.  It was like the engine of love was being fed a powerful cocktail of fuel and you both consumed it with gusto.

But your husband’s love for you did not form and take its full shape on the basis of a half-dozen big events that the two of you shared.  Sure, there is no doubt all these things help with cementing the love that came to be.

But it is the thousands of little things you said and did to and with each other that formed the framework and filled in all the voids.  To renew and rejuvenate your husband’s love for you, it necessary to do all the things that make a marriage purr and operate efficiently.

Again, using the analogy of love as an “engine” unto itself, you will want to take a look at the bigger picture of how this engine operates and what you can do to positively impact the two of you coming together to better appreciate the love that already exist and strengthen this force even more.

I wrote a post on this topic some time ago and it is a long one, but worth every minute.

I believe there are 5 essential principles that govern how marriages can be improved.  When a couple is successful in doing all of these things very well, love only grows and prospers.

As I end this post, I will leave you with this article I wrote.  Feel free to dive in and devour it!

How To Save Your Troubled Marriage

He Says He Loves and Misses Me But Can’t Be With Me Right Now

What do you do when your husband or boyfriend tells you he loves and misses you but can’t be with you now.

This was the story one of my clients related to me the other day.  Here is her own words.

I was crushed when my ex husband told me that he loved me but it wasn’t going to work out and needed to be alone.  He just packed and said he needed time and walked out.  I pleaded with him to stay so we could talk it out.  This thing has been brewing for some time, but I didn’t think he would act so suddenly.  We have had our share of arguments like any other couple.  I didn’t think he was really serious when he threatened to leave me.  I don’t think I have been a bad wife and I can’t say he has been a terrible husband.  I wonder though if there is another woman involved given how quickly this whole thing has winded down.  What do you do when the only man you have known says he loves you but breaks up with you because he just can’t be with you right now in his life.  It sounds so much like a lie.  In my heart I don’t believe he doesn’t want to be with me. If he says he loves me but acts like he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me, something else must be at odds.  It’s not like he can’t commit.  How do you make a man realize he still loves you and is making a huge mistake.  I have a girlfriend who I have known for years she told me her long time boyfriend told here he still loves her, but doesn’t want a relationship with her either.  What is with these guys that break our hearts and act like is not a big thing? Does loving someone mean anything anymore?  I knew something was off when he wouldn’t make time for me. Now he says he can’t be with me.  It is stupidest thing he could ever say because I have given him all of me. To think I once thought we were special.  I never thought this possible.  It is like my husband changed overnight into somebody else.  He even told me that I was pretty and should have no trouble finding another boyfriend if I chose that route.  What on earth makes a man you are still married to just throw it all out the window.  He couldn’t wait to get out the door as I stood their stunned by the spectacle of everything he was doing and saying.”

As I read over her comments I am reminded of how crushed she felt.

Certainly her husband’s surprisingly sudden departure is part of her pain.  But another aspect of her ordeal is that none of her husband’s recent past behavior squared with her understanding of where they were in their relationship.

It can be incredibly confusing when you get mixed signals of this magnitude.

why is my husband rejecting me

What might this kind of communication from your husband or boyfriend be telling you?  Obviously, it is incredibly painful when the man you are with and love with all your heart rejects or pushes you away.

It is awful to feel deserted by the one you love and not fully understand what might be going on under the surface.   I wrote about this situation in this post that you should check out!

I Can’t Believe My Husband Deserted Me

Words matter and when you learn that he doesn’t seem to need you, it feels like a shot in the back.

When wounded, it is not unusual for you to feel anger, bitterness, and resentment toward your boyfriend (or husband).

It is also very confusing too when your boyfriend or husband insists how wonderful you are and how much love he still has for you, but then his actions speak to another truth.

How many times have you heard the saying, “actions speak louder than words“?

It is as true the first time you heard this wisdom as it is in the circumstance you may find yourself in now.

So is this confusing behavior of your husband something that is unique to the sexes?

Do guys roll out this line to simply let down their woman gently?

Are they speaking from behind an agenda that are unwilling to divulge?

If that was true, it is huge miscalculation on part of your lover and it is an even bigger mistake for you to allow yourself to be caught up in his deceit (more on that later).

What is going on in your husband or boyfriend’s mind that he would in one respect be so kind and loving…even sweet…yet later insist that things are not going to work out and doesn’t want to be with you?

What triggers such a Jekyll/Hide behavior from the man you once dearly love, yet now barely even recognize as your husband?

Essentially why might your husband or boyfriend tell you he loves you but that he must go his own way or do his own thing?

What do you do if you believe with every fiber of your heart that your husband loves you but seems convinced that  he really needs to be alone?  I have also recently written a post for that particular situation….

Why Does Your Husband Need Space To Be Alone

In reality, there are a number of things that can cause your boyfriend or husband of many years to confuse you with his words and his action. It is confusing indeed when your boyfriend insists he still cares for you while declaring at the same time his full love for you.

Part of you probably thinks he must be crazy or even cruel or both.

Let’s examine the possible reasons for what drives a boyfriend or husband to behave in such a manner and what you can do about it.

Your Man Has Another Lover in His Life

your husband has another lover

It is an awful realization when you discover that your husband or boyfriend of many years has taken up with another woman.

I am not saying that is the cause for what might be happening in your relationship and why you are getting conflicting signals from your guy.

But you need to consider the possibility that your man has wandered.  If not physically (sex), possibly emotionally.

When a man enters into an extramarital affair he will not simply stop loving you.

As couples, we all have connections between each other that we seldom fully appreciate in the moment.  Often, it is when we look back or somehow gain perspective that we realize the things we appreciate or have taken for granted.

All of the times when you held each other close and helped each other and all the many experiences you have had together has created a somewhat unshakable bond.

It is not easy for us humans to simply become attached after years of experiences, then simply wipe these many feelings and memories clean from our minds such that we can move on to another.  That is hard for most of us to do if we have the least bit of empathy.

If your husband or boyfriend can act this way and just pull up all the roots and move on, then he possibly never loved you in the first place and you should consider yourself better off.

Now it is possible for some guys to pretend to themselves that they are no longer in love with their wife or girlfriend.

They may even be so foolish to say it out loud, hoping to end their relationship with you so they can move forward in their new found love (so they think) with their new partner.

But most often, such thinking is an illusion.  Your husband or boyfriend may be deluding himself if he insists that he no longer loves you.  But it might take him a while to figure this all out.

So what of the situation of a husband who insists he loves you and even misses you, but doesn’t want to be with you in the same way as in the past?

What is going on in his mind?

Well, as I said, this type of response from your lover might be caused by another force in his life.

He might have stumbled into an affair or may be in the process of being lured away from you.  So on one hand, it is true he really still loves you very much.

But this other woman in his life…this newfound love he has come across…will seem very exciting.

Certain hormones will literally fire in his brain and will be coaxing him to act impulsively, telling him this new woman must be the “one”.

Your Husband or Boyfriend is Experiencing Cognitive Dissonance

your man is confused

Your husband may have a case of a lover’s form of cognitive dissonance.

This phenomenon happens when there are two competing beliefs that unfold in your husband’s or boyfriend’s mind.

This happens when part of your husband tell himself that he still loves you.  He knows you are important to him and feels attached to you emotionally.  But another part of him feels deliriously attracted to this other woman.  He thinks of her all the time (his brain chemistry is causing this) and can only imagine how happy he is with her in every respect.

He doesn’t realize that he is riding the magic carpet of new love.  But true love is measured by time and this new woman or thing in his life may be a passing fancy.

Yet he still holds you in high regard and can’t deal with the notion of parting ways permanently.

So your guy, if he finds himself in such a situation, is truly in an emotional bind and will act accordingly, zigging and zagging in and out of your life until he can get it all figured out.

Now, your husband may have said some foolish things and told you some foolish lies and even  uttered words that are cruel, but in some of these cases he may not really mean.  It is the dark side in him that is doing the talking.

The reality is your husband or boyfriend is conflicted and is wrestling with what he should do to reconcile these conflicting feelings he has for you and this other woman.

Your Man Might Be Confused About Whether He Truly Loves You

your man can't get it together

Love can be a confusing emotion.

It can be so clear and the force of its attraction can sway us to do and say things that we believe will forever stand the test of time.

But love can also wane and fade in moments of uncertainty.

Any number of things can cause your husband or boyfriend to be uncertain about his feelings.  The passage of time and the accumulation of experiences can act upon how he perceives the fulfillment of the marriage.

So in order to not be cruel and disappoint you, he may tell you how he loves you and cares for you, but in the next breath tell you that he wants to cool things off in the relationship.

The truth of the matter is the guy you love, probably loves you deeply, but is just too foolish to realize that he has a good thing going.

He may be having a sort of identity crisis or attachment crisis and you are left paying for his lack of stability and security.

There has been a number of times when I have counseled men who were confused about what they wanted.

On one hand, they felt attached to their girlfriend or wife, but that very attachment also scared them.  They would say things that would indicate they feared losing their autonomy and freedom or the spontaneity of being single.

It was as if they were in battle within themselves as to how much they should truly commit themselves to their marriage or relationship.

It is true that some men are commitment phoebes.  They have insecure attachment styles and may be getting all the things they need from the relationship and are very happy, but something inside them can snap and they can start questioning themselves about what they really want.

It is as if they are designed to avoid the very woman who is best for them.

Go figure, right?

But it does happen within some relationships.  Sometimes your husband may be trying to find an out of the marriage.  Some guys don’t know a good thing, even when it is staring them in the face.

Your Husband or Boyfriend Might Be Letting You Down Easy

he is letting you down easy

There are some situations in which your boyfriend (or husband) might truly be unhappy and is trying to find a way to escape.

He might be fearful to tell you his true feelings, so it sort of come out in spurts. On one hand he will tell you he loves you and misses your presence which could be true.

He might appreciate you in ways you never imagined.  But he might also feel there are some significant problems in the relationship and after time wants to part.

It sounds cruel and the pain realizing such a thing can be very hard on a couple, but it happens every day.

We all try our best to find the right person to share our life with.

We try to do it in an effective and successful way.

But no one really taught us how to pull that off.  It is probably unteachable.

The truth is that all of us (men and women) are incredibly complex and different in so many ways and as time goes by, we change in small, yet meaningful ways.

So finding the right matches can be hard and keeping the relationship working on all cylinders is a continuous journey.

Connecting with a boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife in such a way that the two people dovetail with each other in almost a most perfect union is incredibly difficult.

But boy…it is worth trying and many people come really close to that perfect union.

You and Your Husband Seek To Form A Perfect Union

hooking up with your husband

So there is no such thing as the perfectly compatible couple.

You and your husband, however happily married you may be, should always be seeking to form a more perfect union of marriage.

If you boyfriend or husband has given the relationship his best shot but truly feels that it is not going to work out, then you will likely go through a period of time in which your husband starts to withdraw from you.

It will happen in fits and starts, usually not all at one time.

And to make this all them more confusing, your man may continue to tell you that he loves  you….and it will be true that he does because love comes in many forms and degrees…but you will feel him slipping away.

What can you do?

What Should You Do If You Feel Your Husband Slipping Away?

husband slipping away from you

Remember, it is not necessarily all bad if you feel that your boyfriend or the man your married is pulling away from you.

What you want to know is how to bring him back when he pulls way.  But before you can even succeed at that, you have to get to a place where the two of you can have a very honest and open conversation with reprisal.

So let’s say you start to notice signs that your boyfriend is slipping away.

He doesn’t initiate kisses or hugs.

He doesn’t seem to want to be intimate.

He pulls away from you and breaks off contact or communication more easily.

He might want to spend more time alone or go off with friends more often, without your participation.

The first thing you should do is the opposite of what you feel like doing.

You will probably feel like confronting him and churn up the whole matter so you can get to the bottom of what is going on.

But sometimes this approach just causes him to shut down or worse….blow up.

Pressing too hard, too soon can cause your boyfriend or husband to put even more distance between he and you.  Such a reaction from you will only serve to support and reinforce some of the negative things he secretly might be thinking about you.

Getting him defensive or riled up will just hurt you in the long run.

So what can you do to pry out the truth of why your husband is acting differently toward you?

My sense is that men can go into their shell for any number of reasons and sometimes the reason will not make sense to you at the time.

It might not even be a big deal to him, though you may be worried to death about what is going on inside his mind.

Consider one reason for your husband conflicting signals is  because he himself can’t quite understand his own feelings either.  Depending on the situation, he might need time to sort through what is going on in his life.

So how much time should you give your husband time to figure things out?

Of course, it depends on a number of factors.  Normally, a few days should be sufficient.  Eventually, the truth will prevail and once known, then you have something you can address.

But until you can get your husband to open up and tell you what is really going on, you will not know just how serious the situation truly is.

Start off with using the “Small Steps Method“.

This is when you simply just show a lot of understanding and give him a super healthy dose of kindness.  Sometimes by doing this you trigger a guilt complex and eventually he opens up.

You can also just play “friend”.

Without any sense of concern or expectation of a response, you can say something like, “Sweetheart, I can see you are troubled about something.  If I can help, just let me know”.

After uttering this obvious truth, say nothing else.  Go on to something else.  You have planted a seed.  More often than not it will germinate.

Don’t follow up your comment with any other utterances.

Essentially, what you are doing is opening the lid to his box of secrecy and telling him it’s OK to talk about it, but you are not going to pry open the discussion unless he initiates.

So just let your little suggestion simmer.  He might just take you up on it.

The idea is to eventually get to the truth of what is really going on with your husband.  It is impossible to solve a problem unless you fully understand it and my experience is  a full head on confrontation in an effort to get him to talk about it will result in conflict and potentially greater secrecy.

In time, the truth emerges.

Taking little steps that enable your boyfriend or husband to set aside his reluctance to tell you what is going on is usually the most effective technique to getting a person to open up.

Whether what you learn is something you like hearing is another issue.

And if you search my website, I am guessing you should be able to find some solutions for whatever turns out to be the catalyst for your husband’s unusual statements or behavior.

Why Is My Husband Acting Different and Strange Around Me?

At the end of a long day, you expect that you and your husband will have a quiet and lovely evening.  But something seems off. Your husband seems to be acting differently.  And when you think about it, it is downright strange.  In fact you may have noticed that he has been acting distant, pulling away from you and withholding his affection.

What is one to think when one’s husband is acting distant and withdrawn? What is going on that causes you  to feel that something is off?

Your woman’s intuition is seldom wrong, so you know something is off.  While you are not sure just how serious the problem is, you know deep inside it shouldn’t be ignored.

husband moody

You know your husband’s every mood and now all of a sudden he is not only acting moody, but you are picking up on some telltale signs that he doesn’t want to be around you and is reluctant to open up.

Could it be that your husband wants to leave you?

God forbid if that is what is going on.

Maybe he just needs space.  You know.  Guys are that way.  Sometimes that act like something is off and what they need is some room to work through things.

I wrote this post about that.  Take a look!

Why Does Your Husband Need Space To Be Alone

We all can have off days and things can get on our minds such that we are not quite ourselves.  I bet you and your spouse have had plenty of times in which you were not clicking like you normally do.

A pressing work or even a personal issue can cause one’s mood to sour.  And depending on your husband’s personality, he might one of those guys that naturally withdraw into themselves when something is on his mind.

But what if this moody behavior in which he doesn’t seem interested in being around you or even talking with you (like he normally would do in the past) seems to dominate your interactions.

If it is true that you husband seems distant or even cold and you are sure that you are not reading too much into the situation, the question becomes what is really going on and what should you do?

What drives a guy to clam up and start withdrawing into himself.

Is your husband hiding something, like some kind of terrible secret?

I know. I know.  You are probably thinking he must be cheating on you. Perhaps you are convinced that he has a secret girlfriend on the side.  But just because your man is being secretive doesn’t translate into some kind of hanky panky.

Though if you want to delve into this more, you can read my post on the topic…

Does Your Husband Have a Secret Girlfriend on the Side?

But let’s say you are convinced something is off with your hubby.  He keeps exhibiting suspicious behaviors?

Does your  husband seem to be hiding something on his phone or on Facebook?

What do you do when you feel like he is sneaking around you in plain sight?

What are all the signs you should be looking for to get to the bottom of what is really going on.

That is a lot of things to consider, isn’t it?

Let’s turn to one of my clients I worked with in the past to get some insight on what she experienced when confronted by a husband acting strange and odd.

Why Is My Husband Shutting Down?

my husband is avoiding me

“I just felt in my heart that something was off with my husband.  He is usually a very talkative guy.  But now he shuts down and I am noticing a lot of little things that makes me feel something is wrong.  I know every mood of my husband. We have been married for 11 years and when he is hiding something, it is usually obvious to me.  This time though, I am picking up on something else and I need your help to track down what might be going on in his head.  I have had this feeling for about a week now. I haven’t spoken to him about it yet.  But clearly, he is shutting down.  I am just giving him room right now, not pointing out to him that he is acting a little weird.  I guess I hope he will stumble and I can pounce on what is really going on.  Maybe part of me doesn’t want to know.  But this is got to come to a head as I am secretly afraid that I might be losing him.”

When I spoke with my client I told her that she was right to feel that it was not going to serve her well to pretend that nothing was wrong.  I told her she should trust her instincts that her husband was acting out of the ordinary. After all, when you been married for several years, you can usually sense when things are off kilter.

I explained that it was time for her to have an honest conversation with her husband.  We can go on fearing the worst of things, but that won’t change the underlying reality.  My experience is that what often happens is that failing to confront the matter results in a the build up of a lot of anxiety which can in turn lead to some unrealistic, even fantastical notions of what might be under the surface.

Now, I am not saying that when you first notice your lover is acting strangely that it is not something very meaningful.  But you would be surprised at the number of times that the problem was not anywhere as serious as the spouse initially feared.

So in the case of this client, how should she confront her husband?

I told her it was important to avoid any histrionics and drama.

That type of reaction is liable to cause her husband to retreat even more.

It is easy to get pulled into one’s own emotional orbit.  Emotions can have a way of blinding us to what might be the true facts.  Since she has been avoiding any discussion about this and internalizing how her husband has been acting strangely, I wanted her to be aware how easy it is for anyone to fall prey to their emotional need to pounce and get an answer.

I explained that it is often best to talk to her husband about his unusual behaviors in stages.

What I suggested is that she pick a opportune time in which her husband seemed relaxed or at least not overly stressed, then put out a little feeler.

Sometimes posing a question in an open-ended fashion can do the trick.

For example…

“Honey, I noticed you are feeling a little distracted these days.  You must have a lot on your mind?

In this case you are not focusing or complaining about anything in particular, rather you are referencing just a general view and pausing to see if your husband wants to expand on what is causing him to be distracted.

I consider this a real effective approach because if done properly, it is less threatening and opens up an avenue for you to further evaluate what might be going on in his mind.

For example, there are several things that can happen, with each of them giving you further insight into your husband’s mood and possibly what is driving him to keep you at a distance.

So with your open-ended question, you are trying to close that communication gap and hopefully gain a little more information that will allow you to decide how to proceed.

How might your husband reply?

Is he evasive?  Does clam up and just gives you a non answer like, “oh, I am fine”?

Does he become angry and shows some resentment that you are prying (in his mind) into things that he just doesn’t want to get into.  That kind of reaction, though hurtful, can give you additional insight into the degree of seriousness.

Does he become belligerent and accuse you of rattling his cage or bothering him or evading his privacy.

Or does he put on the charm and tries to pitch you on the fact that he has no idea what you are referring to…..that everything is rosy.

confessing his secrets

Just possibly, your husband may fess up about what has gotten him out of sorts.

He may just bear his soul and tell you what is really plaguing him.  This is how it should work in an effective marriage.  The husband and wife should support each other and when one partner is down, the other partner picks them up, giving them whatever emotional support is needed.  For this to occur, there needs to be a bond of open communication and trust present in the relationship that facilitates open dialogue.

But unfortunately, spouses don’t always open up with each other.  Your husband may not be looking for emotional support. There may be something else that is going on.

So how do you drag the truth out of your husband if he seems to still be hiding something?

What is your husband withholding and why?

As I alluded to, once you put out the little “feeler” question, you should get a better idea of whether your husband is being fully transparent.

But let’s say he is not cooperating.  Let’ say you feel that his strange behavior was not adequately explained or it has continued or even gotten worse.

What strategy do you turn to next?

What Is Causing Your Husband to Act So Weird?

he is acting so weird

Well, before we jump into all of that, let’s talk a bit about the different things that might trigger your husband to act in an odd manner.

Quite frankly, there could be a lot of reasons and depending on your husband’s personality make up, it may not be something you should feel alarmed with.

Here is a list of possibilities you should take into account that could explain your man’s  peculiar  or troubling behavior.

  • Work has gotten the best of him.  Something at his workplace has gotten your husband unsettled and he is bringing home some anxiety or worries.  This can explain why your husband might seem distracted or moody or quiet.  He may very well be internalizing matters in his mind as he wrestles with solutions.
  • If your man is acting unusually quiet or reserved it may not always be work related.  He might have some type of personal issue that is troubling him. Whatever it is, his quiet or distracted demeanor could be a reflection of him trying to work it out in his mind.
  • Your husband could be hiding his feelings from you.  It could be something that on its surface isn’t terrible, but your guy could be over obsessing about something and as a result has gotten himself caught up in a whirlwind of worry.  You may think it has something to do with you, but that might not be the case. It could be anything.  Ask yourself, has your husband in the past be prone to compulsively focusing on certain topics that should not be that big a deal?
  • Your spouse might be hiding something from you that is highly personal.  He might have some kind of injury or illness that has him distracted or concerned. Again, you might read his signals as perhaps you have done something wrong, but to the contrary, the problem may not be directly related to you, but to some other matter.
  • Your worse fear is that your husband is up to no good.  For example, you might thing your husband is having an affair with another woman.  While this possibility should not be discounted, it is not something you should dwell on unless there is some meaningful evidence that points to an extramarital affair.
  • It is possible your husband is hiding something from you but it is a good thing. He may have planned something that involves you and want to surprise you. Time will tell whether you are about to have a nice little surprise.
  • Your husband could be troubled about his personal married life.  It could be something he has been contemplating for a while.  He might be having second thoughts about the relationship.   He might be considering whether he wishes to end the marriage or pursue separation.  If this is the problem, you will unusually be clued in about this possibility well in advance of his behavior taking a turn.  Marriages and relationships rarely come to a screeching halt unless there has been a lot of problems that precede the underlying suspicious behavior.

How To Get Your Husband To Open Up and Spill the Beans?

getting him to open up

So let’s say you have tried to put up some trail balloons to figure out why your husband is acting so strangely, yet he is still clamming up.

What can you do next?

When a guy is hiding something, he will be guarded and avoid opening up.

He will expect that you will make efforts to get to the bottom of what is wrong. If something is truly wrong, he will have noticed your initial efforts to get him to fess up.  His guilt of hiding something from you will be foremost in his mind. So your husband will likely be vigilant, expecting you will try again to get to the bottom of what is bugging you.

With this kind of thought process, your husband will likely dig in even deeper and avoid sharing whatever is on his mind.  He may be even more anxious, trying to put distance between himself and you.

So instead of zigging (seeking to find out more), you should zag.

Do the opposite of what he expects.  For the short-term, give him every indication that you don’t think anything is wrong or that you are not bothered by it.

You are taking this approach to get him to relax his guard.  It is hard to get a guy to open up if he is tense or anxious.  It is better to facilitate an environment that allows him freedom of expression.

That is what most men want.  They want to be free of being nagged or bugged.  If there is something on their mind and they don’t want to talk about it, no amount of nagging or fussing will encourage them to talk about it.

On the contrary, it will just cause them to resent you and result in them clamming up even more.

So give them rope.  Encourage them to go do something for fun.  Encourage them to go out and exert themselves.  Physical exercise can usually cause your husband to relax more and eventually make your spouse more amenable to be forthcoming.

Your husband might surprise you and open up.

But let’s say this method does not result in your guy taking the initiative to get things off his chest?

What should you do?

At this stage, the “direct praise and query method” is worth a try.

You can also call it the “kiss and tell” method.

I have found it to be very effective.  Men love to admired.  They love praise. And deep down inside, the guilt of holding something back from you is playing on their psyche.  Deep down, your husband wants to really tell you the truth.  He just hasn’t figured out when and where and how to do it. You are going to help him with that.

Here is how.

Wait until you think your husband is in a relatively relaxed state.  What you want to do is catch him off guard.

Then go right up to him….kiss him and look deeply into his eyes and tell him something like…

Sweetheart, I love you so very much.  I am so proud of you. I know something is not right with you.  I want you to tell me what is on your mind…what has been bothering you.  You have my word that I will listen completely and not react poorly“.

I cannot promise you this will cause him to finally spill the beans.  But by adopting this approach,  I think you improve your chances immensely in getting to the truth of what is causing your husband to act in such a strange and unusual way.

Did I Marry The Wrong Man For Me?

Every now and again one of the women I work with will reach out to me and with great sadness and a sense of desperation tell me they feel they have made a huge mistake in their choice of husband.

Then they will ask me what they should do if they come to believe they married the wrong man.

It is an interesting question, isn’t it?

married the wrong guy

And I get these questions from women a lot.  For example:

“Chris, is there a ‘Did I marry the wrong man quiz’?  I really need some help figuring out where I go from here.  Believe me when I tell you that I am living a nightmare marriage and I think I would fail that marriage quiz every time.” 

Can you help a lady in dire need!  What are the signs you married the wrong man?  I feel like the next time he threatens me with whatever, I am going to call his bluff and pack and leave.  I have this love – hate relationship with my husband and I think I might be ready to pack it in.  When do you know for sure you made a huge mistake?”

Chris, I really need your help. I married the wrong person and knew it the moment we said the vows.   I know it sounds crazy, but I was wishy-washy about the whole marriage thing.  My family thinks he is wonderful and I didn’t want to disappoint them, but now I am stuck with the wrong guy and all I can think about is how to get out of this huge mess I made for myself.  My head is spinning with what do I say to him, his parents, and my parents.  Do I give back all the wedding gifts?  I don’t really love him.  There is just no love and I don’t feel any connection. We just sorta did what others expected and now I feel stupid. Thank god I am not one of your ladies who married the wrong man and had a baby.  I don’t want us to get to that stage. What can I do so that we don’t live a life of regret.  I don’t want to be one of those unhappily married women who are afraid to act.”

These kind of stories are heartbreaking and I feel for wives that feel trapped.

It can feel like the whole world of marriage is closing in around you and if you don’t do something, you will go insane.

By the way, that reminds me of a post I wrote for women who are sure they married the wrong man and are trying to end things, but he won’t go.  Take a look at my advice….

How To Get My Husband To Leave Me – He Won’t Go!

But for the one offering advice, I would caution you not to jump the gun unless you are quite certain.

What I mean by that is just because you feel you have married the wrong man, doesn’t make it so.

Feelings can come and go.  They change all the time.

I also think we need to be careful with the language we are tossing around.

For example, what makes a husband, “the wrong guy”?

There are other questions we need to answer before proceeding with an action plan.

What is happening in the marriage such that one feels that need to deep six it and start over?

How can a woman be really sure they guy she is married to is not the right husband for her?

We know that it takes work to make a relationship really solid.  Marriage is hard.  In fact I wrote a post about this recently.  Take a moment and check it out as I think it pertains to the topic at hand…

Why Is My Marriage So Hard

For that matter, what is the right man?

Does he exist?

Can we be sure that such a man, should he exist, be easily identifiable and attainable?

You see, once your start thinking in terms of what is right or wrong for you, the whole conversation can get a lot more complicated.

But I am going to try to make some sense of it for you, starting first with what is it that can make a woman think she has made the wrong choice.

It is true that some women end up marrying the wrong guy.

So let’s peel back what might be going on in a relationship that can cause a person to believe they go it all wrong when they agreed to marry their husband.

Why Is Your Man Not Husband Material?

did i make a mistake marrying him

As I alluded to earlier, we are treading on dangerous grounds if we are too quick to conclude that a man (or woman for that matter) is perfectly wrong for you and what you want from your marriage.

Now, I guess if I wanted to stir things up,  I could question whether you might be falling prey to overreaction.

How is it that your husband is the wrong man for you?

You did marry him, right?  You both agreed to give it a go and to love and cherish and all the rest.

So when do you really know that you married the wrong guy?

Well, lucky for you, I have developed an unofficial check list you can use to figure out if your man is just not long-term husband material.

Before I walk you through my list of things you should look out for, let me qualify this little list by telling you that it is not scientific in any way.  You should never rely on one person’s view of what makes for good husband material.

In fact, when I read articles that try to tell me what are the five things that make for a terrible husband or try to sell me on a list of the 10 surefire signs of a loser of a husband…..I usually throw it in the garbage pile.  Many times, such articles are far too general or opinionated, leaving open the possibility of a person relying to much on one viewpoint.

So why should you spend any time on my little checklist?  Sure, you want to know why some men are awful choices?  But what makes my opinion any better than anyone else?

Well,  I have talked to scores of men and women about their marriage and relationship situations. We are talking literally thousands of people.  I have seen the worst of what men and women can do and say to each.  And I have seen how certain behaviors can lead to ruined marriages and broken relationships.

I have a very good idea of what works to make a couple succesful. And on the other side of the coin, I have seen plenty of recipes for marriage disaster.

So if you are wondering if you picked the wrong guy to marry and are trying to access if you should invest any more time and emotional energy in making the relationship work, my list of things to consider might just help you.

One more little warning before we get started.

I going to walk you through several things that your husband (or boyfriend) might be doing and saying (or not doing and saying) that is going to paint a picture.

When considering something as important as whether you married the right guy, you should take into account a complete picture and it should be over a broad period of time.

If your husband seems to fit the pattern for many of the things I mention, then just maybe your relationship is not going to get much better and probably will get worse.

But be reminded that it is not just the type of poor behavior that matters.  It is not just how your husband seems to fit the picture I am about to paint.  It also matters a whole lot just how long his undesirable behavior has been occurring.

So don’t throw in the towel just because the marriage skies have darkened and you have become sour to your husband’s ways.  The storm of how poorly the two of you are getting along needs to have raged for a good spell before you can seriously entertain ending the marriage.

So let’s get rolling.  If you see many of these behaviors and events occurring in your marriage, then read on about what you might want to do.

  • Your husband says hateful and spiteful things far too often.  He can’t seem to help himself, say he says.  Sometimes, after some time has passed, he is full of apologies, though his uncouth ways can be triggered very easily in short order.
  • Your husband is constantly threatening to end the marriage.  He uses intimidation tactics to try to get his way far too frequently.
  • You find yourself thinking far to often about leaving your husband because of a variety of problems for which you believe he is at fault.
  • You feel very little enthusiasm or excitement about being around your husband or spending time with him on outings or even at routine events.
  • The line of communication between you and your husband seem closed and your efforts to talk about the problems in the relationship often lead to arguments.
  • You often don’t feel safe, relaxed, or secure around your husband.
  • Your friends are often asking you why you married such a man and encourage you to head for the exit.
  • You find yourself crying far too often and questioning whether you made a huge mistake when you married the man.
  • You have been married for some time and often feel sad or depressed with your circumstance.  It is like you are stuck in marriage quicksand and can’t get out.
  • You and your husband have had several serious talks or have been to marriage counseling and yet things have not improved or he is making little genuine effort to change his ways.
  • Your husband is not interested in spending any quality time with you and when you press him to commit to doing thing together, he balks and complains about not being able to do his “own thing”.
  • Your marriage is a wreck.  One or both of you have had affairs and whatever wrong can be done, has been done.  Almost all the trust has drained out of the marriage and you feel miserable.
  • You are feel rather certain that you no longer love your husband and find yourself avoiding him.
  • You look back and realize that you rushed into a relationship with a guy you really hardly knew.  The two of you may have fallen fast in love with each other only to discover later that neither of your are very compatible.
  • You and your husband have talked often about the prospect of splitting up, but for one reason or another it gets put off and neither of you follow through with separating.

What Do You Do When You Are Sure You Married the Wrong Man?

not feeling close to your man

First of all, don’t panic if you look at the list of bad signs and behaviors  and realize your husband fits the bill for many.

As I discussed earlier, be careful about being too quick to judge.  While the signs and past history may look bad for the likelihood of a happy, successful marriage going forward, I have seen plenty of married couples undergo serious problems, only to later work through them.

So my first piece of advice is don’t do anything rash.

Certainly, if you have not attempted to get some marriage counseling, then that is something you and your spouse should definitely explore.

If your husband balks at that notion or if you and your spouse underwent counseling, but things did not improve, you will need to examine another approach.

If all the evidence over time points to a worsening of the relationship and the prospects for improvement looks dim, then it may be useful to take some time away from each other.

The question is how do you accomplish this without further exasperating the problems you and your husband are already having?

If things are so bad that you are seriously questioning whether you wedded the right guy, then something transformational needs to occur to change the status quo.

When a couple gets into a rut and one problem after the next crops up over and over again, something needs to happen to upset the routine.

We are largely creatures of habit and practice many of the same behaviors.  If your husband is coming up way short as being the guy you think will make you happy, then it is best to simply lead with the truth.

Tell your husband you are exceptionally unhappy and you are seriously questioning the foundation of the marriage.  Explain that you are truly uncertain as to whether the two of your are compatible enough to make the marriage work.

Then advise your husband that you want to take some time for yourself. Perhaps a few weeks or even much longer may be appropriate.  The time period largely depends on the nature of the problems that exist and the history of the relationship.

Living apart and being separated from each other gives both parties a chance to reexamine their assumptions about the marriage and what they want for their lives going forward.

Seldom will you find a silver bullet that will solve all your problems.

But things won’t get better by themselves.  Action needs to be taken to change or transform the situation.  So by putting distance between you and your husband will not just give you and your husband perspective to reevaluate your marriage, but it will give both parties incentive to come up with a solution.

 

Marriage Happiness Springs From Your Experiences and Relationships

Every married couple I talk with wants to know what is the key to making their marriage an incredible experience.

It too bad we can’t hang our hat on one single thing that makes for amazing and happy marriages.

Certainly, finding the right soul mate that is compatible with you in terms of the things you value is important.

Being kind to your spouse as a matter of practice is big in my book.

What else do you think is important?

spend time away from spouse

I want you to think about the marriage and happiness correlation.

What  allows you and your lover, whether it is your husband or wife, to have a completely satisfying marriage?

Well, consider this:

I believe you and your husband are better together when you spend time together with others. 

That might sound kind of weird, but I believe it to be true.  It can be easy to get trapped in a marriage in which everything revolves around how and what the two of you are doing.

By the way, if you are looking for ways to empower your marriage, be sure to also read my post on what makes for a great marriage….

What Makes a Great Marriage Work – You Will Be Surprised!

It is a worthwhile goal to become one with each other thoughts and needs, seeking to satisfy your husband or wife in all respects.

But that does not mean you have to always to be thrown together.

Your measuring stick for happiness in life should not be based solely on what you and your husband or wife are doing together.

To be a successful and content as a couple you have to branch out and do things outside of all your routines that you have together.

Sometimes you should spread your wings and fly away from each other.  When you come back, the marriage can be even more enriched.

Don’t Rely On Your Husband or Wife To Experience Happiness

time away from husband can be golden

I have always believed that happiness in marriage springs from your experiences and relationships.

And I think it works in two ways.  The number and quality of experiences you have with each other matters much.

And the number and quality of experiences you have with yourself and other people in your life is also very meaningful.

In case I forget, let me also call your attention to one of my posts that offer some common sense ideas on how to navigate through any problems you and your spouse may be having.  I cover many topics and reinforce the importance of ensuring that your life and relationship is filled with a diverse set of experiences.

Please take an opportunity to check out this guide….

How To Save Your Troubled Marriage

A couple is bonded together by the fulfilling experiences they have together, but it cannot be at the expense of experiences each of you should have individually or with other people.

So an important aspect of every successful marriage is finding happiness not simply through your husband or wife, but also from the experiences you have in life as well as the other relationships you carve out during your life.

Now, I could spend a few minutes walking you  through a bunch of marriage and happiness tips and statistics, but I have a better idea.

Let’s hear from women who have experience on both sides of the equation.

The clients I work with are advised to write down their thoughts.  It is a form of therapy that allows you to channel your thoughts such that you can reinforce the important principles that enable your relationship to prosper.

I asked some of my married clients to weigh in on these two things (i.e. involving yourself in life’s experiences and enjoying relationships with other people than your spouse) and how it enabled them to have a satisfying marriage with their partner.

And I also asked some to talk about what happens when you don’t surround yourself and your marriage with fulfilling experiences and fun and interesting relationships.

Remember, it is not important that your husband or wife like your friends or these other activities you might wish to engage in.  What is important is that your derive happiness from these things and that you invest quality time to participate in other experiences that are personally fulfilling.

If you are worried about what you husband (or wife) might think, then you already have a problem.

If, for example, your husband does not support your outside interests and gives you a hard time about you wanting to spending time with some of your special friends, then your husband is holding you back.

Here is a sample of what some of my clients learned:

I know what makes for a happy marriage!  It’s when you and your husband can get by without the other, but still want the other.  When I find myself moving in the direction of those things that I enjoy as an individual, I feel empowered and when my husband supports me doing what makes me feel content, I love him ever so more.  I hate it when an old boyfriend would tell me that I couldn’t do something.  That is probably why I married this man.  He appreciated my need for independence and encouraged me to strike out and do those things that made me feel good.”

My husband is my best friend.  But that doesn’t mean I should only have one friend. You can’t have a great marriage unless you have plenty of friends and can do things with other people.  It enriches me life and I want the same thing for my husband.  I want him to want me in his life, but I don’t want him obsessing about me.  His circle of friends need not be the same as mine.  Just so long as we both have other outside interests, that is the secret sauce!  Otherwise the marriage is just doing the same things, over and over again and that gets old.”

So are you looking for some helpful tips for a happy marriage?  That is so funny because I was just thinking about why I love what has happened with us.  I use to think of our marriage as a one way street and we had both better be going the same direction to be happy in love.  If we were ever parted, one or both us would feel miserable.  But I have learned that is not healthy in the long run.  I don’t want my husband resenting me because I disapprove of his friends or the things he wants to do.  I think it is important we each have our on individual lives that is just ours alone.  I find that I start obsessing far too much about what my husband is doing and why he is not doing it with me  and when my life centers around only him I am really miserably uptight.  Your suggestion of adding many more enriching experiences into my life routines has made a huge difference with my attitude about our relationship.”

You told me Chris that for our marriage to grow we needed to have more experiences of the happy kind.  Doing things together that is challenging and exciting and memorable was what you preached.  Well, let me tell we took your advice and have started recording the activities we are doing as a couple that is different and new.  We write it down and then go seek out new experiences that allows us to bond together.  We did this incredible hike and were exhausted but it was so memorable and we needed each other to pick up our energy level and it worked.  We finished and felt so proud.  It is amazing how just being outside, in the sun and away from all of the bustle can be such a picker upper. We are going to continue to add more exciting little adventures to our list and I have not forgotten, we are also going to do some stuff with other people too. I know we need to have our own lives, but right now I am loving all the new stuff we are trying out together!”

As you can see, these folks took the ball and ran with it.

Doing new things together and adding to your inventory of life experiences that you share with your husband or wife can create new connections and bonds. All of those little memories and things you learn about yourself and your spouse makes a difference.

fill your day with experiences

They also understand that the best of outcomes that underscore the marriage and happiness correlation is through carving out your on set of interests, including having enriching friends and family intertwined throughout your life.

Sometimes  I get questions from people who ask me if married couples are happier than unmarried couples.

My answer is generally, yes, except marriage does not bring happiness just for its own sake.

So what makes for a happy marriage?

By now, if you have been reading my website, I think you are starting to see that there are a lot of factors, but among the top ones are those couples who realize that they need to have new experiences with and without their husband or wife; and they need to continue to develop and enjoy relationships and experiences of all kinds.

I Learned The Hard Way To Not Rely on My Spouse

time away from husband well spent

Now, for the other side of the coin, let’s hear from some folks who learned their marriage lessons the hard way.  No worries though, I worked with these married individuals and things are looking up.

“I think you are right about getting a life outside your marriage world.  For the first few years of our marriage, we did everything together.  But we became dependent on each other and I particularly found my mood rising and falling on whether my husband was happy.  But I have come to realize that my life needs to be more than what I have with my husband.  I get out much more and do new things and have my hobbies and my friends.  Since we were so close in the beginning with all that we did, at first my husband resented my outside activities and new relationships.  But as you said, I kept telling him we are better together when we are together less.”

We use to be so reliant on each other that every time my husband’s mood came down, I felt myself sliding down.  When he was doing something, I just felt compelled to be part of it and vice versa.  We were like two peas in a pod.  And  I thought that was good.  It was good for a while, but as you explained, no two people can continuously live in each other’s skin.  It seems natural at first to be tied together with all the things we did, but I learned that there are diminishing returns after a while.  I hate to say it but there is a stage in which you can just simply get sick of being around your husband all the time.  I don’t think it is just me and the way I am.  I think women out there have to have their own lives and hobbies and friends and do things that just make them happy.  They can bring that back to their marriage and their husband can take it or leave it, but it doesn’t mean you love your spouse less or he will love you less.  I am happier now that I weaned myself off of my husband.  I know that sounds strange.  We love each other, but we are not like totally dependent on each other and I think that is good for our marriage.  We need independence and sometimes that means we do our own thing with our own friends.  That means you have to be grown up enough not to let jealousy and resentment  or petty feelings get in the way.  If he wants to go out with his friends without me, I say yes, go.  When I need to be alone with my friends, I expect him to encourage me to have my fun. It works with us.  I don’t think it is natural to be thrown together and have to do things with the other all of the time to be happy.”

So Get Away From Your Husband or Wife

It does sound like odd advice.

But the happiest of couples I think are those who have learned to carve out their own little happy pockets in their life away from their husband or wife.

To shine as a couple, you need to find ways to shine as an individual.

You enable the marriage to grow and prosper when you can bring back new experiences and activities, sharing them with your lover and maybe even going out and trying them together for the first time.

That adventurous spirit you bring to the marriage by having new experiences by yourself can not only help you renew and realize your individual goals, but it can  breathe some fresh life into your marriage.

You see, sometimes it hard for two people to agree to do something new and interesting or odd or scary or whatever together.  Two people can get in each other way.

But if you turn one person loose and let them tackle something new, they can then return to their partner and share their experience.

In no way am I advocating you should not do things together as a couple.

But  I believe it is critical that each of you have your own “thing” you can do for yourself.

Whatever it is, so long as it makes you happy or satisfies your curiosity or some interest you have.  Perhaps it fulfills a yearning you have to check off those things that make you feel excited to simply be alive.

When you can be engaged with yourself or with friends away from your husband or wife, it can serve to rekindle the warmth and intensity of your love for your spouse and when you come back together again, it can really be special.

 

 

Why Does Your Husband Need Space To Be Alone

Have you wondered why your husband pulls away from you?

Is there something wrong with your husband such that he prefers to be alone and not with you?

Why are some husbands such solitary creatures?  What is so important about him needing his space?

Well, if you are married to a guy who at times wants to go it alone and be by himself, don’t think it too strange. Most men, including your husband, may need to go off to be alone for any number of reasons that have nothing or little to do with you or any negative feelings about the marriage.

Why Are Men Driven to Go It Alone?

Men in general are not like women in which they desire to be closely held. They don’t often conjure up or fantasize about things to do with their wives.

give your husband some space

When a guy doesn’t want to go off and do something with his wife, it is usually not a sign that he loves her less, but rather something else is stirring up inside.

While you may feel like he is deserting you, just know that something else is probably going on and it likely has more to do with your husband’s yearning to get out and about.

Speaking of feeling deserted, I recently wrote an article on that topic.  Feel free to dig in!

I Can’t Believe My Husband Deserted Me

As the woman in the marriage, you may feel more inclined to gravitate to social gatherings and experiences while your husband may be looking for a way to escape.  Often he would rather be alone than be dragged to yet another social function.  Give your husband a recliner chair and a good sports program and he becomes a happy camper, all too happy to skip out on some social event you may be dying to go to.

Women tend to be the social butterfly.  Men are more like the lone wolf.  Your husband will growl and bark at you if he thinks he is going to get dragged someplace he doesn’t want to be.

Sure, your husband will enjoy his share of get togethers with friends and family and will find some enjoyment at parties and other festive events. Indeed he may thoroughly enjoy himself.

Recognize that I am speaking in generalities and every man and woman march to their own unique drum beat of likes and dislikes.

But your husband, as do all men in my opinion, have something that is deeply embedded inside him that causes them to seek out solitary moments more often than women.

His lack of enthusiasm about hanging out with you doesn’t mean your husband is falling out of love with you or is thinking of breaking it off with you.  On the contrary, your man may feel a very strong connection with you, but deep inside his genetic makeup is steering him to his man cave.

This is the place he loves to go when the world seems to be closing in around him.  It is his place where he can be alone with his own thoughts.  And while you may feel he is closing you out of his life, in his mind he is seeking out refuge.

Your Husband Needs To Get Away To Be Alone

let your husband go

Somewhere inside your husband is this voice that tells him he needs to get away from things.

Unfortunately, as his wife, you may mistake his behavior as wanting to leave you for good, but seldom is that the case.

Now, on the other hand, if you are certain your husband doesn’t want to stay with you and is just looking for a way out of the marriage, that requires a different approach.  I wrote this post about how you can deal with such an occurrence.

Should I Beg For My Husband To Stay and Not Leave Me?

But the theme of this post is that your man is simply trying to get away for personal driven reasons.

Sometimes he does not want to feel too crowded.  Men can be that way.  That just don’t always know what is best for them.  They will push you away, then later accept you back with open arms.

Your husband will go through times where he does not want to be bothered by you are anyone else.  When you reach out to pull him close, he may not want to be held or share in emotional intimacy.

Your husband wants to be loved, but he wants his freedom too and the sense of feeling trapped or caged linger over him at times, causing him to pull away, avoiding closeness.

Like an animal in the wild, he is summoned by his inner self to go off to be by himself and strip away all those things that he feels is robbing him of his autonomy.

He wants to rough it.  He wants to fight off the forces that try to take away his individuality.  And to do this, your husband’s mind subconsciously tells him he cannot have his woman hanging on to him.

How can he do battle with the elements of the world if his wife is clinging to him, holding on too tightly?  This is how your husband may feel inside, though he probably cannot put it in words or understand fully where this desire comes from.  Yet is there and he must contend with it.  Indeed your husband welcomes this feeling because quenching it makes him feel whole again.

Your husband operates on two levels.

On one level he wants to be the good husband and provide for you and make you safe and enjoy happy and fulfilling moments with you.

On another level, your husband wants to strike out on his own, by himself, on a grand adventure.  Or he needs to retire to a place where he can enjoy just the feeling of solitary.  Or he may be driven to be in the company of close friends.

You may feel shut out and express your discontent and this will anger him because what is stirring up inside him is powerful.

Where you might want to surround yourself with people and loved ones working together to address life issues, your husband more often (than you) wants to simply be left alone.  He often would rather tackle his own problems without the distraction of others.

Remember, these feelings of aloofness which may overcome him are not reflecting any particular problem with how he feels about you.

The fact he doesn’t want you in his circle of experience at any given moment does not mean he is falling out of love with you.  The fact that your husband wants to carve you out of his life for a time being doesn’t mean he wants to carve your out of his life for good.

It is just something he feels compelled to do in order to feel right about himself and satisfy that internal hunger to go it alone for a spell.

And often, when your husband returns from his self-imposed exile, you will find him renewed with a new sense of purpose.  He will pull you in even closer and appreciate you even more, particularly if you generously granted him the freedom to be by himself and go off to do something without you.

The way in which men sometimes behave can be confounding to women.

Wives don’t understand why their man sometimes push them away and insist on having their space.  It can be upsetting and confusing to a wife when her husband accuses her of crowding him or clinging too much.

Avoid Crowding Your Husband Are He Will Run Away

your man will run away

Women struggle with understanding what compels their husband to act this way.

She may have this fantasy image in her mind of she and her husband doing everything together, enjoying every moment, hand in hand.  And when it doesn’t happen in the way she envisions, she thinks she must be doing something wrong.

She questions why her husband doesn’t want to do things with her and why he avoids committing.  She becomes confused when he tacks in the opposite direction.

Hurt feelings will arise or there will be conflict as she presses her husband to explain why he acts so cold or sometimes avoids her.  This outcome in turn makes things worse, causing her husband to feel like she is crowding him.  Now he will want to go off and be by himself even more.  The sense of escaping will dominate his mood.

I hear from my women clients all the time about their husband insistence to have their space:

What do you do when your husband gets angry with you because he says I am crowding him all the time?”

It took me years to figure out that I need to give my husband space while we were living together.  It never dawned on me that men are wired differently and value just going off to do things by themselves or with their male friends. I see now it is simply part of their make up and while it hurts sometimes, I get it”

Is there a time limit on how long I should give my husband his space?  How much time does he need to get it together.  It seems so selfish he wants to be alone and do things alone.  I thought being married was having fun and doing things together.  He doesn’t want that all the time.  He says he gets jittery and says I hover over him too much”

How should I respond when he insists he needs space.  I feel shut out and it hurts and I tell him so, but it makes things worse.  He feels guilty and I feel confused and we get nowhere.  Is it wrong that he sometimes pushes me away or should I accept it as just a man thing?”

How To Deal With A Husband That Needs His Alone Time

give your hubby his alone time

So what if your husband acts this way at times?

As a woman and his wife it can be difficult to understand this man thing.  That is largely because you view the world through the eyes and experiences of a female.

But your husband doesn’t process things in the same way.  He is almost like a different species.  If you try to overlay your template of feelings and reactions to situations and seek to understand what your husband is thinking, you will come up short.

Let’s say you are sometimes confused about why your husband withdraws from you or why he says he needs some room to process things.  Or he tells you he needs to go off and do something and it is clear he doesn’t really want you around.

So let’s say you are not sure what to make of his behavior and you feel shortchanged and cut out of his life.

The fact that your husband is hinting or insisting he wants to do his own thing and go off do stuff without you is going to probably cut at you in the wrong way.

You may feel abandoned.

It may cause you as his wife to feel a bit betrayed.

You may feel saddened by the realization that your husband doesn’t want or need you at that time and none of what is happening dovetails with your own needs as a woman.

You almost always feel like sharing everything with your husband.  You seldom want to be separated from your man.  You want to pull him close when you are troubled or hurt.  Yet your husband sometimes behaves in the opposite ways and you are confounded  by his behavior and it is hard to understand why you are being stripped away from him.  And to make matters worse, he seems incapable of adequately explaining his reasoning for shutting you out.

You feel abandoned.  He won’t let you inside his heart and never mind trying to understand what is going on in his head.  You can tell something may be bothering him deep inside, but all he wants to do is retreat away from you and the more your try to hold him close or even simply talk about things, the more he squirms and acts like he must  get away.

Support Your Husband’s Need To Respond to the Call of the Wild

your man answers call to the wild

I have a secret for you.  You are married to a wolf like man!   Sometimes you have to turn him loose so he can go out into the world and howl.

Well, perhaps it is not quite that bad.

But if you ever feel your man is sometimes summoned by the wild, you are not too far from the truth.

Inside him is a beast.  He wrestles with it.  He needs to fight with it.  It is a life long struggle to tame it.  And if you get in his way, he is unable to gain control of it, so he strike out at you and accuses you of crowding him or clinging too much.

Your husband may say things like you are suffocating him and that he just wants to be alone for a while.

Perhaps you should step aside and let the wild dog in him go off and hunt down his prey.

That is why I tell wives that they need to shift their paradigm.

I explain that sometimes to understand their husband they have to stop thinking in terms of how women typically process the world around them.

I explain that when the call of the wild summons their husband, they must turn him loose.

Indeed, letting your husband go can be a wonderful opportunity for you in two ways.  We will get into all that.

At times, you should insist your man go off and do his thing….all by himself…without you.

Tell him you understand that he will be summoned by the “wild” and you want him to go out and conquer it.

Tell him you love it when he goes off and slays his emotional dragons or when he goes out does the “man thing” with his buddies or just seeks to be by himself.

Clear the path for your husband to be alone during those times when he seems to be pulling away.  Tell him you love it when he has to retreat into himself because when he comes back to you he is always better in every way.

Tell him he comes back a better version of himself.  Tell him the sex is better….that he is more relaxed and more fun to be around.

Tell your husband you understand his needs to be alone at times and when the feeling comes on, he should satisfy his desire.

In effect you are giving him permission to do the very thing he wants to do but might be afraid to do as he does not wish to disappoint you.  One part of him knows he should satisfy your needs that you have expressed in the past.  But another part of him wants to run away to fight, play, struggle, and overcome….all in one outing.

What Are The Two Ways You Benefit When You Let Your Husband Have His Space?

winning ways with your husband

When you turn your husband loose to slay the beast, you empower him.

It fills him with joy that he is unshackled and is free to slay his enemy.

The enemy can take the form of many things.  It can be that instinct in him to unleash all his fear or anger about whatever.

It can be the anxieties that have piled up inside of him.  It can be the compulsion to go off an conquer something that is physically hard to do.

The key thing is to allow your husband to go off, without feeling guilty or being nagged.  Let him be a solitary man.

When you grant him this thing that he needs to do, he will love you and appreciate  that you, unlike most women, understand him.  He doesn’t have to deal with his feelings of guild.  He loves you for having the wisdom to turn him loose.  He will value you as a wife that understands that he needs to battle the beast and that you are not standing in his way, but rather are enabling him and cheering for him.

Many women and wives won’t understand this and do this for him.

But you will and in his mind’s eye, you have become his  beloved Princess that he can later return to.  He knows you will accept him with open arms because you sent him off to wage battle.  Your support in making your husband feel whole is not lost on him.

Meanwhile, while your Prince Charming of a husband is out there finding himself and doing those manly things that makes him feel re-charged, you should use the opportunity to treat yourself like a Princess.

While your husband is doing his solitary things like climbing a mountain or going hunting or retreating to his secret hiding place or whatever it is he must do without you, in turn you should be pampering yourself and doing those things that make you feel good.

You see, that is how it works.  Your husband has his needs that should be fulfilled.  And you too have your needs that come from deep inside that should be met.

It is important in every successful marriage for you both to be your own person.  You can never be together all of the time.  You should not seek to do so.

Your husband will need his time alone and to become the best version of yourself, you too need time to realize this.

This is how you both will be happier together.

You have to learn to be happier by yourselves, first.  You have to find fulfilling moments in life away from each other.

By having your own lives and meeting your own individual unique needs,  you can make each happier.