It is far from easy to constantly have a satisfying marriage. If you are looking for a secret recipe that will take you to the end of your days with your lover….well….it is not going to be the easiest thing to achieve. Expect some marital bumps along the way. If you want to achieve some satisfaction in multiple areas of your marriage, you will need to rely less on secrets and more on synergistic principles.
But guess what!
Being married to the person you think is the fellow or gal of your dreams can be an amazing experience if you learn to tap into a few select principles.
So what do I mean by principles?
Think of it as your code of marriage life, day in and day out. There are things you and your husband or wife can do to create some special moments and connections. What I want you to think about is finding a new way celebrate your marriage. Yes, I know that sounds cookie cutter, but hang on and see where I take you on this little journey before you judge!
Marriages are colored by our everyday experiences. Sometimes, a good marriage isn’t about something as basic as repeating vows…though I do like that idea if it is done with some style. Sometimes to make a good marriage that is satisfying on multiple levels is found in the principles of what I like to call “uncommon sense”. Sometimes things that we know we should do inside our marriages do do not come to mind until someone points them out. It is uncommon for most couples to see the full picture, particularly if they are in it. I hope I can enlighten you with some sensible things you and your lover should be doing to better your marriage!
Today’s recipe is made of five key components. But guess what! A satisfying marriage is not predicated on just one recipe. There are actually multiple recipes you can employ and integrate into your marriage to make it more fulfilling . And I am going to take all of the mystery and secrecy out of it by just walking you through one of my favorite marriage recipes that should usher in some blissful and satisfying moments in your relationship.
If you are not satisfied with your marriage and are looking for ways to kick start your marital routines, then climb on board because I am about to take you for a ride! The train is about to leave the station and if you are not leveraging these five tactics to arouse attraction, then you and your spouse are missing out on a lot of fun times.
So let’s get on with it.
Random Marriage Acts of Kindness
Most of us are naturally dialed in to maximize our happiness. In a marriage, one way to create happiness is to offer up yourself to your spouse in a way that promotes reciprocation. I am not talking about unselfishly giving of yourself to your husband or wife in a sexual way, though there is absolutely nothing wrong with that as you will see later in this article.
What I am driving at is the Kindness factor. When you treat your husband or wife with kindness, even if is just small acts, it can lay down a foundation where they reciprocate and treat you in a similar fashion. That begats even more kindness being exchanged between you and your spouse. And that is all good.
What I am talking about is akin to “doing on to others as you would have them do to you”. Or another way of saying it is is to treat others in the way you would like to be treated. And it all begins with embracing kindness as a regular way of interacting with each other. These acts of kindness can be extended in the way you talk to each other….the tone you use….the pleasant and supportive words you employ…the gestures you make.
Surprising Your Lover Enhances Satisfaction
Another way you can bring about greater satisfaction levels in your marriage is to take opportunities to surprise your lover. The surprise need not be a large thing such as a party or expensive gift. Indeed, I think you and your spouse get more mileage at employing more little surprises which occur with greater frequency.
This tactic shares a common denominator with the idea I advanced earlier regarding living your daily lives in your marriage with an eye to kindness. A kind act can also be a surprise. Take for example something as simple as the gesture of telling your wife (let’s say she normally does the dishes at night) that you would like to do the dishes so she can have some relaxing time. A pleasant and satisfying surprise can take the form of back massage or the placement of a single rose on a pillow.
When you can couple kindness with a surprising act, you are embracing one of the most powerful acts of a successful and satisfying marriage. I refer to it as leveraging synergy. If you do this frequently enough, it becomes part of the routine of the marriage. And this is the kind of routine you want your relationship to lean on during good and bad times.
You will find that little surprises you offer up to your lover will more often than not be reciprocated…meaning that your husband or wife will naturally (and possibly unconsciously) employ a psychological technique called “mirroring”. When you offer up a surprise to makes your spouse feel valued, loved, and/or appreciated, they in turn will return the favor. When this becomes part of the fabric of your marriage, you both will enjoy many days of contentment and satisfaction.
Reinventing the Marriage
So what else can you do to keep the marriage on the right track? Well, I am really big on couples learning to recognize and accept that relationships can grow stale. Satisfaction and enthusiasm can wane. This is not a necessarily bad thing because it is very basic to marriages as time goes by.
Should you just swallow hard and learn to accept that your marriage will at times go through periods of dullness, drabness and boredom?
Absolutely not. Sure, it is important to recognize that a married couple can get set in their ways and soon the routines of their life begin to define their marital life. But you do not have to accept it. On the other hand, once you recognize signs that the marriage is not as satisfying as it once was, you both need to take action.
I am not talking about bolting to the nearest marriage counselor, but rather what I would advise is that you introduce some new routines. Change up the way things are working. Do something together that is new and invigorating. It could be a sport you both take up or a class you agree to both participate in.
But sometimes, when you recognize that the marriage seems stuck in neutral, you need to put the relationship back in another gear and head off in a different direction. Change can be frightening for some. Having certain routines in place in your life helps with managing anxiety and uncertainty. But doing the same thing, the same way, over and over again will not lead to growth. Indeed, such marital behavior patterns will lead to deterioration of your marriage satisfaction levels.
Learn to Talk Nice to Each Other During a Fight
There should be rules of engagement when couples deal with conflict. The surest way to tear down marital satisfaction levels is to allow your conflicts to become messy, ugly, and destructive. The tone of your voice and the content of the words you use when you are “fighting” can make a huge difference in how you come out the other side.
You see, fighting in a marriage will always happen. It is just our nature. We sometimes cannot control our combative nature and invariably the worst of our emotions will sometimes rear its ugly head. So knowing this advance, just make a vow with your lover to talk nice to each other during a fight. For those of you who think that you are just not built that way and cannot control yourself when conflict arises, I would respectfully say you are copping out.
I agree none of us are completely immune to the dark side of our nature taking over, but such times should be rare. The fact is that you and your spouse will have numerous discussions that can easily lead to fighting and conflict. Arguments can mushroom over any number of things. What I am saying is you and your spouse need to sit down and discuss this reality and vow to each other that you will not give in to the “dark” side (the baser side of your emotions) and will commit to talk nice to each other.
That doesn’t mean you will always agree. Nor does it mean that your fight will not leave its mark. But what you are shooting for is that your fight will not result in huge withdrawals being made from your marital trust fund. And mean and ugly words flying back and forth often hurt more than the conflict that initiated the fight itself. So if you want more satisfying times, talk nice to each, even when you are fighting. We are talking damage control!
Lots of Sex in Varying Ways and Different Places
The final ingredient of today’s recipe is that one of the most basic ways in which you can get your level of marriage happiness to higher levels and sustain these levels is to leverage the natural occurring hormones and chemicals that are released when the two of your get it on.
Yep…we are talking sex. But what I want you to think about is the value of not just having sex in the same way or the same place. Just like a marriage can grow stale, so to can your sex life. So every once in awhile, take an opportunity to reinvent yourself as a couple when it comes to having sex in different ways and most importantly, different places.
Sex is a very sensual experience and every thing you do when you have sex is heightened. Cherished memories and bonds are formed. If everything is the same, the heightened experience becomes less pronounced. So a simple recipe to improving your spouse’s (and your own) satisfaction levels within the marriage is to “get out of the box” and try new things.
Try talking about it. Just discussing such a thing is going to enhance the anticipation and excitement. Find different environments to make love. I am amazed at how often couples rarely discuss such things. It could be part cultural or possibly due to shyness that makes it difficult for couples to verbally tackle this topic. My advice is learn to talk about it, a lot. If you can make love, you certainly can talk about it before hand to help make it all the better.
In closing, feel free to ask any questions you may have about your relationship or share your thoughts about this post and any others I have written. I will get back to you at my earliest opportunity.