How Do You Bounce Back After a Breakup

Over the course of several posts, I am going to show you the different ways my “Ex Recovery System” can help you bounce back from breakup and heartache.  I am going to touch not just on the process of getting your ex husband or wife back, but we are also going to discuss things you can do to help accelerate the healing process.

You see, sometimes when all the dust settles and after you have had that precious period of time to reflect and really get in touch with your feelings, you may discover you don’t want you man back.  Or if you are a guy who is struggling with whether the marriage is worth repairing, you may just decide that it is not and that you need to tack in another direction.

navigating your maze of emotions

Finding your way through the maze of emotions which can smother you is in part predicated on you learning to become the best version of yourself.

It is the latter objective (i.e. “becoming best version of yourself”) that is often overlooked. Many of my readers can be so intently focused on just getting back with their Ex that they lose their way.  

I have seen this happen so many times and I do NOT want to see it happen to you.

A Breakup Should Not Consume Your Life

Remember….

When your Ex leaves you, they do not take away your life.   No matter how bad you feel, never forget this reality.

Things have a way of almost always getting better.

Indeed, it was Einstein who said, “in the middle of difficulty, lies opportunity”.

And if you arrived here at my website, chances are that the things happening in your relationship right now are difficult.  But I am not here to pile on more of the negative that might already surround you.

I am here to try and lift you up from your relationship breakup.

Your life and the attitude you choose to adopt, is there for you to shape and mold in a way that increases your value to yourself and to others.

Your personal recovery is critical because it all ties back into making you feel attractive and confident again (if that is a problem), maybe even more attractive.

And quite possibly, your journey through life may just take a surprising turn or two.

I have had cases where clients used the No Contact Period to grow their self esteem and accomplish some goals and ultimately they rediscovered draw their “true” feelings.  In some cases, they decided they didn’t want their ex back.

finding yourself after a breakup

How Do You Find Yourself Again After Splitting Up With Your Lover

This next section of my article proceeds with the assumption that you DO want your Ex back.  Let’s assume that your ex husband (or ex wife), who was the most important figure in your life, is outside your sphere of influence right now.  

So what can you do to drive away the pain and anger and resentment and a wide assortment of emotions that just don’t seem to dissipate?

That is really a rather complicated question.  But the good news is if you read my articles here on www.mymarriagehelper.com you will start to understand the game plan you can adopt.

As you probably know, to get your ex back, many things usually have to happen.  

I have given you a blueprint on how you can accomplish these things and I am confident you will find success as you implement the various strategies and tactics that I am about to cover.

As I mentioned, my website offers a great deal of insight for individuals experiencing a wide assortment of relationship challenges. 

But I like to plan for contingencies.

I don’t think it would be very wise of me to assume that my teachings and the system I have laid out for you will be the answer for every situation.  While it may help the vast majority of people out there, your individual situation may be so unique, it may require greater creativity and problem solving.

So with that in mind, I decided to go the extra mile and create a Treasure Chest of Ex Recovery Ideas that you can review.  I will leave it to you to decide if any of these ideas might be of use to you, given your situation.

Sometimes it takes something transformative to change the status quo. Sometimes, even the best of my time tested strategies will fall short of delivering the results you are looking for.

Remember, this whole process of ex recovery is not about getting your ex husband or ex wife back in record time.  This is not a race to reclaim your lost love.  If that is what is driving you, then you need to read some of the other articles available throughout this website.

finding yourself and healing

Recovery from Heartache and Breakup is a Synergistic Process

This whole process of ex recovery is a synergistic process.  Essentially, in order for you to build attraction properly, you should follow the steps of the System.  All of these steps are connected, like puzzle pieces.

If you leave one out or fail to implement it properly, it will make your efforts more difficult.

So I caution you, before you try any of the ideas from my “Ex Recovery Treasure Chest”, just make sure you tried to implement the steps of the Ex Recovery System.  If you are interested in picking up a copy of the Ex Recovery Pro ebook in which I discuss my system in greater detail, feel free to visit me at:

exboyfriendrecovery.com

exgirlfriendrovery.com 

If you still find yourself struggling in some aspect of the recovery process, then by all means take a look at what the Ex Back Treasure Chest offers.

treasure chest of recovery ideas

A Treasure Chest of Relationship Recovery Ideas

The “Get Your Ex Back Treasure Chest” focuses on two main areas that often prove a stumbling block for some of my readers.  

  • Innovative Tactics on getting a response from your Ex
  • Creative Tactics on enhancing your own recovery.

Many of the things we will be talking about are designed to enhance and arouse attraction.

We are planting seeds here folks!  Don’t mistake attraction with “in your face” pick up lines or with over the top gestures of sexuality.  These things are transparent and can often create the opposite effect you seek to achieve.

Sometimes, all you need is a little spark to get things moving in the right direction. We are talking little moves…subtle gestures…..planting seeds of suggestion and inference.  At this stage of re-attraction in which you are trying to rekindle the romance, be guided by the principle of “less is more”.

Sometimes, it only takes a few good actionable ideas to turn things around.

If you need more help and desire to take a bit more risk and be more creative, then by all means, consider the ideas I am about to discuss.

That is why I created the Get Your Ex Back Treasure Chest.  There is a good possibility that one or more of these ideas will help you turn the corner.  

Remember, the Ex back process sometimes operates in fits and starts.  Things may not always work as planned.  Improvising and adapting is often vital to your success.

relationships and baseball

Playing Ball

Getting Your Ex Back is like dealing with a batter in baseball. You want to manage the situation.

You want to have a game plan.

You want to use your best starting pitcher to be the one you go to in Game 7 of the World Series.  My Ex Recovery System represents that.  But every great team has a super relief pitcher that can deal with those special situations.

These creative and crafty players are called RELIEVERS.

When things are looking bad and some of the previous “pitches” have “missed their mark”, the Reliever is pressed into action.

They often possess a creative assortment of pitches, such as curve balls, sliders, and knucklers to keep the batter off balance and ultimately control him.

So how do you spell RELIEF?

Well, I have 25 tactics I hope can help you with bouncing back.

This list of 25 novel tactics that explore ways to get your ex back also include recovery exercises and special insights.  It is designed to give you additional ammunition in your efforts to advance your own recovery.

So what I want you to do is find and act upon the right mix of tactics and recovery gems.

If you are not interested in ever reconciling with your ex spouse, then focus on those tactics that help you with bouncing back from your funk.

And if you are unsure as to what you want, then read on as there will be ideas here that will assuredly help you.

So are your ready!

Let’s get started.

confession as healing

  1. Confessions (A “Chris” Recovery Exercise)

This idea is for those who are really hurting.  Sometimes it is not enough to be told that you need to lay your sorrows aside.  Telling yourself something is one thing. Doing what you really know can help you an be tough. Sometimes staying active and moving forward with life activities does not distract you enough to let go of the pain. Sometimes, we need more attention.

There is a therapeutic benefit to getting things off one’s chest. It could be that the weight of your pain and suffering has been difficult to completely shed.  It resides within you and you are struggling to cast it out. Perhaps you are experiencing regrets for things you feel you did wrong in past.

For what it’s worth, stop beating yourself up for things in the past. I have news for you!  We all do things that we wish we could have done differently.  And everyone who has experienced a breakup or a dissolution of a marriage, will feel really, really bad at times. Sometimes these negative feelings will drag a person down for hours, days, weeks, even months.

You have probably heard the saying, “time heals all wounds”.  Well, I don’t believe that completely.  Sure, as time marches by, your pain can slowly dissipate and your perspective about the important things in your life will grow.  But there is more to all this, in my opinion.  I believe:

Time helps those who helps themselves.    

Here is what I want you to do!

If you are really hurting and just need to unload, you can leave me an anonymous message.  Feel free to leave multiple messages if it is a long confession.

But let me make something clear!  When I use the word “confession”, I don’t mean for you to think you have done something wrong.  Because the truth is, the events that cause breakups involve two people and are very complicated.  Trying to sort out “right and wrong” and “this and that”, can become a futile exercise.

What we need for you to do is start thinking more about making your “present moments” more fulfilling.  Start planning for future opportunities.  Don’t allow the past to drag you down.

Nevertheless, if you need to purge some pain or just need to bounce off some thoughts and ideas, then go for it!

 I can’t promise I will be able to listen to every message people leave for me. Quite truthfully, it is unlikely I will be able to respond.   But I will be thinking of you…praying for you. Remember, sometimes purging your feelings of guilt or regret can go a long way in helping you frame a positive mind going forward.

There is therapeutic value to unwinding. If you are plagued with guilt, confession can lift it away.  It is well known that “talking it out” can have a curative effect.  

Simply visit this page and record your Confession or Thoughts there!  Please do not use your real name, but know that everything you decide to share will be kept in the strictest of confidence.  If you are not comfortable with that approach, then write your thoughts down in a notebook or journal.  The key thing is getting it out.

priming as a recovery strategy 

  1. Priming (An Attraction Tactic)

As you have learned, many No Contact Periods range from 21 to 30 days.   I am sure you are familiar with the Principle of Priming, right!  

Well, if not, let me explain.  Priming is when you do something to help make your next action successful.

Definition of Priming:

A substance that prepares something for use or action, in particular.

If you are utilizing the Ex Recovery System I referenced earlier, you may be employing a No Contact Period.  After that is over, you have been taught to utilize one or more text messages to initiate your First Contact Message.  But what if you decided to do a little “priming” just before the No Contact Period ended in order to create an environment in which your Ex is more likely to respond to your text message.

In fact you can apply priming either before or after your First Contact Message.

Think of it like trying to start a car. You are in the car and the engine stalls.  So what do you do?  Do you just give up and call roadside assistance?

No, there are almost always other options.  You can prime the fuel pump by depressing the gas pedal a couple of times.  Sometimes the engine will catch and start up.

So how does one pull off “priming” when dealing with an ex?

Well, there are a lot of things you could choose to do.  But it is best if it is not too aggressive.  Better yet, keep it understated.

You could leave a little mystery gift at your Ex’s doorstep, without a note. Leave some doubt as to whether it is from you.  Make no other attempt to contact for a few days.  Curiosity will usually occupy your former lover’s mind. Perhaps your Ex will contact you first.

This action serves to potentially prime your Ex’s attraction for you.  Don’t forget, it is the right brain you are reaching out to here!  You are trying to trigger a positive emotional memory from the past.  So perhaps the gift or item you select should have a subtle connection to something you both remember.

You are trying to make a little impression….to plant a little seed of curiosity.  Allow the “priming” to work its magic for a few days before trying to reach out to your ex by text.

drops of jupiter and positivity

  1. Drops of Jupiter (A “Chris” Recovery Exercise)

In a way, we are all on a voyage of self discovery.  When we face difficult times, our journey can become more informed.  When we open ourselves up to positive imagery and perspective, our wounds can heal.  

The lead singer Pat Monahan (“Train”)  who recorded a song called “Drops of Jupiter,” was quoted as saying, “the best thing we can do about the loss of love is find ourselves through it”.

I think there is much to be learned here.  When we are struggling with a loss of love (or a temporary break up), I don’t think we should look at things as a zero sum outcome.  Not at all.  Whether you later regain relationship or not, think of this junction in your life as an opportunity.

You will be much more attractive to others and yourself, if you look upon things in your life in this way.

I learned long ago that if you are going through a breakup, you had best get along really well with yourself.

No doubt, a break up HURTS.  But you really have an opportunity in front of you.

I realize that will be hard for some to accept.  Maybe for many.  But I challenge you to look at things differently.  You have much to be thankful for.

I want you to write down those things that you are thankful about.

If you have experienced a “loss”, you should not feel utterly lost. Remind yourself that what you have experienced thus far has been a gain. You have acquired more life experiences.

Some years ago a fascinating  study was performed that by a psychologist.  Her name is Barbara Fredrickson. The paper that was eventually written and published gave us some very useful insights in how positivity and negativity can impact our outlook. If one is seeking to build value in their life, then they need to take a close look at how they embrace the world.

The experiment that the psychologist conducted involved putting individuals in certain situations in which images were viewed.  These images were either negative or positive or neutral.  The people were split up into three groups and over a period of time were exposed to their image.  Then they were asked to complete certain activities and tasks. I bet you can imagine what happened?

Well, it turned out that the folks who spent their time looking at a lot of negative things, their ability to complete these tasks was adversely impacted.  The people who were exposed to the positive images, their performance on the assigned tasks were more successful.

The psychologist concluded that when people are surrounded by positive influences and act out in a positive manner, they respond to their environment in a more productive way.  She called this effect, broaden and build theory”.

Essentially, people who practice this behavior have a richer and more fufilling life experience.  

So that should be your challenge. Learning how to  BROADEN and BUILD!

This involves behaving in a way where you lead with positive emotions.  Take the opportunity to express appreciation to individuals around you that you value. Such an expression of appreciation builds upon the positive nature that is inside of you.

Laugh and smile and enjoy life. Just the very act of laughing is therapeutic.

Be spontaneous and plan a fun event. Mediate. Write.  Dance and sing. Go out into nature and enjoy the wind in your face and the smells of the forest.

time to throw out all relationship wisdom

  1. An Unconventional “Hail Mary” (An Attraction Tactic)

Ok….so are your ready for the Hail Mary?

I am going to take you down a road that is a far cry from the conventional logic of how to get your Ex back.  It certainly is outside the teachings of my Complete Ex Recovery System.

But hey, you are an adult and you know your situation best, so I will leave it to you if you wish to roll the dice.

As I have taught, the odds of regaining the trust of your Ex in the early days following a break up are not very good.  In most cases, emotions are ruling the day.

But just possibly, your situation is rather unique.  Maybe your relationship breakup was not as awful as others.  Perhaps the two of you have a strong history.

So maybe your are thinking that you want to do things a bit differently….that you want your ex back “FAST”!

Do you believe in Miracles?

Well why not?

Let’s give it a try.

This approach usually works best if you dumped your Ex or you both mutually decided to part ways.

Here is what I want you to do.

I want you to wait 7 days.  If you do anything sooner, you will likely strike out.

As it is, I normally recommend a 21 to 30 day No Contact Period to help with the recovery process.  So waiting only 7 days, already violates the normal time frame I recommend.

relationship miracle 

But we did agree that we would try to pull off a miracle!

For seven days, I recommend you make no effort to contact your Ex.  But on day 5, I want you to “arrange” to plant an idea in their head.  You are going to be doing a little “priming” here.

That’s right.  You are going to see to it that your Ex hubby or wife knows something about how “You” are thinking.  

To do this, you will need to enlist a trusted friend.  It could be a mutual friend or a buddy of yours, but you have to trust that they won’t betray you in any way.

What you are trying to accomplish is to cleverly make your Ex aware of how you feel about them.   

You are going to sow a seed.

It is written, that for everything under the heavens, there is a season.

There is a time when you plant (sow) your seed of an idea.  And with a little luck, there will be a time for you to reap your harvest.

Now, I have to warn you.  This whole approach, while it is NOT VERY risky in terms of short circuiting your longer term strategy; it is still a long shot.

Ok…so let’s get back to the game plan.

So the idea you want to have planted in the mind of your Ex is thatyou” internally feel that you made a “huge mistake”.

That’s it.  Nothing more.

Just keep it short. Less is more.

Just have your friend convey that message.  Just to be clear, your friend is not passing on this message from you.  They are not a messenger.  What they are doing is pretending to gossip about you.

Make sure that your trusted friend does not embellish any more than than.  And importantly, when your friend drops this “thought” into the mind of your Ex, it needs to be done in a nonchalant fashion.  

You don’t want your friend to play it up too much.  If your Ex asks more questions about what “you” meant or if your Ex makes a sarcastic comment, tell your friend not to “bite”.  Reveal nothing more.  Just leave it hanging out there.  

Remember, you are just planting a small little seed that hopefully will wedge itself into your Ex’s subconscious.

Your friend should just say, “hey, I don’t know much more than that.”   

Ok, so that is Step 1.  Remember, this seed you sow happens on day 5. You are priming your Ex.

On day 8, you implement Step 2.

I recommend you send your Ex a single rose with a note.  It should be appropriately packed in a box and delivered by UPS or Federal Express.

The note should say something like, “Forgive me for my huge mistake of breaking it off with you. I wish to apologize in person if that is acceptable to you. I realize you may never wish to see or talk to me again.  And if that is so, I will accept that fate”.  

So that it is it.  That is your Hail Mary.

Just leave your note open ended and short like the example above.  The ball is now in their court.

If your Ex is willing to allow you to apologize in person, then you got to first base and that would be a huge victory.

Oh…one more suggestion.  Make sure the paper you use is quality stock.     The color of the paper stock should be a lighter shade of blue. That color evokes the right mood.  Feel free to read up on the psychology of colors.

breakup blues

The Breakup Blues

Ok, so those are the first 4 tactics of the Ex Recovery Treasure Chest.  We still have many more to cover.  But this post is getting a bit long in tooth, so let’s agree that we will pick up this discussion in my next post.

That should give you a chance to process some of the things we just discussed.

So look for the post that is called, “How To Get Over the Relationship Breakup Blues”. 

How To Make Up and Rebuild Your Relationship After a Split Up

It can be incredibly difficult to know what to do after you and your ex husband (or wife) have split up.  When the relationship is going south and each party moves in different directions, it is clear something meaningful has to happen to change the these sad unfolding events.

Rebuilding the relationship and recovering from the slings and arrows of a marital  or relationship split up is going to require a great deal of effort.  This is where it matters a great deal that you have some understanding of how to proceed.

how to make up with your ex

It is not going to help you a lot if you panic and start in with the promises of better days ahead.  In most cases, when couples have reached the stage where they are hurt and angry, it is not wise to push or pull too hard.  Nor will it be advantageous to anyone if either the husband or wife tries to immediately seek out professional counseling.

Sometimes you may feel you are caught up in what I call the breakup zone.  I wrote an article that deals with how you should go about getting your relationship back on track.  Read about it here….

How To Get Your Relationship and Marriage Back – The Breakup Zone Guide

You see, in those early days following a split up, a couple has entered what I have described in my writings as the “break up zone”.  I am sure you heard of the “Twilight Zone”?  Well, the break up zone is a lot like that in the sense that things you use to take for granted are not completely out of wack.

Your feelings about the relationship are not to be entirely trusted.  Your reactions to the split up is going to take a lot of twists and turns.  So whatever you do moving forward, you will want to guard against doing anything rash.

But to get the relationship back on track it will take a committed effort.  And as part of this effort, you will need to devise a game plan.

So what might that look like?  How should you even proceed if your marriage just busted up and you are not even sure what you want?

My experience in working with couples is that a break down in the relationship is not necessarily an unusual event.  Couples won’t agree on many things.  And more often than not, a husband and/or wife will overact after conflict and anger and emotions will often rule the day.

rebuilding the relationship

A Systematic Approach to Rebuilding Your Relationship

So where do you turn after you discover that the relationship is in the toilet?

I am going to walk you through a simple model of one approach you may want to adopt as you seek to rebuild your marriage.  Is it perfect and will it work every time?

Of course not.  But my experience is that when you follow a game plan predicated on sound psychological principles, you stand a better chance of success.

I have wrote about how one can bounce back after a break up in the following post….

How Do You Bounce Back After a Breakup

Humans often respond in very predictable ways because we share many of the same psychological behaviors and influences.  And this is one of the things you can draw upon in the aftermath of the break up.  

For example, we draw close to a person and fall in love.  Later, something can happen and a breakup occurs.  But that emotional connection between two people is difficult to sever.  So when the other party does not communicate or respond for many days after the split, a person will naturally start feeling shut out.  Most people will miss their Ex.  They will miss the good times.  Doubt as to whether they did the right thing starts to creeps in.

your ex wants what they can't have

So naturally, a person in this predicament will desire to make contact.  When the other party does not reciprocate, psychological reactance kicks in.  People naturally want that which they don’t have. It is built into our psyche.  

Tell me that I can’t have something or do something and guess what….I will try harder to have it or do it.  This is particularly the case if what the person longed for was part of their life in the past.

Is this starting to ring a bell!  One thing you have in your favor with your ex is “history”.  Hopefully, much of the history between you and your ex has been good.  Now, I am not saying that every minute the two of you were together was fantastic.  I am sure you both had some rough patches…maybe even several down periods.

But a relationship that has festered due to conflicts and unresolved differences is not necessarily doomed.  Every marriage or relationship has many good moments from which you can draw from and build upon.  There exists an attraction level that simply needs to be tapped into again.

So, no matter what your situation, the principles I teach in creating attraction can help turn things around.  You simply need to understand the system.

Now, sometimes you may have to get more creative.  Some break up situations are tougher than others, but my point is that for almost every situation I have dealt with when advising clients, the system I teach can meaningfully increase your chances.

But because I have dealt with so many scenarios, I have accumulated some unique insights into how you might want to deal with certain situations.  In other posts on this website, I have written in greater detail about some of these situations.

So what I would like to do is share with you a summary of the system I utilize in helping couples find their way back to each other.  Typically, when working with a client I want to help them see the bigger picture of where they stand now.

You would think it would be a simple thing to understand what is happening to you right after the relationship split up.  But for many people, that period of time is filled with confusion and uncertainty.

It is as if you are in a brain fog and everything you do to see where you are and what you should do next become ever more confusing.

I hope that what I am about to share with you, will prove to be helpful.  It may help you see the bigger picture of what your journey might look like.  I hope it will cause you to be more hopeful. It may even serve as a wake up call.

setting realistic expectations after the breakup

My main purpose is to help you with setting realistic expectations.

No matter what, I want you to always remember that while your Ex may have left you, they did not take your life away.  That belongs to you.

That is one of your first lessons.  And when you learn to live you life without any reliance on your ex, you have taken a huge, bold step.

So however things shake out for you, I want you to know that you will learn from your experiences.  Don’t be surprised if there are more twists and turns.

And most powerfully throughout it all,  it is entirely up to you to embrace a positive outlook.

Positivity is what will get your far down the road with a much happier frame of mind.

And yes, you are the sole proprietor of your ATTITUDE.

getting over your ex

An Ex Recovery System!

I have utilized a system to help my clients for a number of years.  I like game plans.  More often than not, if you have a plan and some structure around your get your ex back recovery strategy, you stand a better chance of success.

Now I won’t be able to go into great detail here as this article length is limited. I have literally written several books on my relationship recovery system.  If you are interested in any of these resources, feel free to visit my websites:

exboyfriendrecovery.com

exgirlfriendrecovery.com

But lets take a few minutes and walk you through the main themes of the system I teach.  I think it will benefit those who find themselves in a situation where they have split with their ex but are still interested in potentially reconciling.

Again, if you want the full scoop, go check out my other websites and follow the links to my products and resources.

For now, let me give you a summary!

using no contact to recover

Initiating the No Contact Principle

In my writings, I spend a considerable amount of time talking about the No Contact Principle. You learn what it is and how and why you should strongly consider implementing this proven strategy.  

In order to rebuild attraction, you will learn that sometimes it’s best to cease all communications with your Ex.  I consider this one of the most synergistic elements of your Game Plan as it can lead to many positive benefits.  

I teach that you Ex is conditioned to miss you and the power that “psychological reactance” (i.e. people want what they don’t have) is like an invisible force that operates on your Ex’s psyche.  These things, and more can help with mending the broken connection.

life will get better after break up  

Dealing with Your Recovery  

Many people just assume that over time, the pain and heartache of the breakup will simply go away.  “Time heals all wounds”, it is said.  

You see, that is the problem with a lot of these “sayings”.  Some people just assume that it must be true.  So they wait for things to get better.  But the reality is, if given time, a person’s suffering can actually increase.  

The truth is that to get better, one needs to take actionable steps to heal. Otherwise, the tendency is that our mood states will revolve around the negative.

One needs to embark on a goal of becoming a better version of themselves.  And when one is in the midst of suffering, without a plan to get better, one can get lost in the Breakup Zone.  

Without some guidance, it is more difficult to lift one’s self out of the dark.  This is why I like to talk about the things you should do in order to become “The UnGettable Girl” or The Unbelievable Guy”.

Don’t forget a huge lesson in relationship recovery. 

People are attracted to a happy person whose life is moving forward.  When you embrace this kind of attitude, you reflect the positive vibes that you feel inside. You become a better friend to yourself.  This is what you should strive for.

the phases of getting over your ex

The 5 Phases of Rebuilding Your Relationship after a Breakup

Allowing for Your Ex’s Recovery:  If you seek to increase your chances of getting your Ex back, it is imperative that your Ex is given time to shed their negative emotions.  Irrespective of who initiated the breakup, your Ex will also be experiencing the pain of separation.  There are stages of emotional recovery everyone goes through and to give your Game Plan its best chance of success, you will need to allow your Ex the time to sort through their feelings.  

Using Phantom Communication Strategies:  As you recall, I spoke about the synergistic relationship each of these system components have in common.  And this is very much the case when it comes to utilizing communication strategies to build attraction.  

You are probably wondering, “what the devil are phantom communication strategies and how do they help in rekindling attraction with my Ex”.  Well, stick around and keep reading the many posts I provide at this website and,you will learn all about it.  

You will learn how the No Contact Period is actually a two front campaign in which you are doing things to promote self healing and also executing certain tactics to stir up “memories” and “jealousy”.  

Folks, we will be dabbling in the world of the subconscious and dealing with the power of subtle suggestions.  I have also created what I call the “Ex Recovery Treasure Chest” which you can use to pluck out many ideas that can help you with rebuilding attraction.

texting after the breakup 

“First Contact” Text Messages: Once the No Contact Period is over, you will want to begin building attraction through tactical texting.  You will need to develop a skill set in order to excel in this area.  

You should learn about ending the conversation on the high point. I will teach you about “leaving them wanting more”.  You will want to understand the importance of relationship “tide theory” and the role it plays in your communications.

You will discover that if you fail with your initial attempt to get a response with your Ex, you will be equipped with several other texting tactics you can employ to ignite your Ex’s interest.  And if you are backed up against the wall of struggle, then you can turn to the “Treasure Chest” of ideas found throughout my website.

the meetup with your ex

The Meetup:  Hopefully, there will come a time where you and your Ex will meet up. Before this happens, you will want to be prepared for how to conduct yourself in such a meeting.  

You will want to learn how to treat this meeting as more than just a time to re-engage.   It is important to understand that a meetup affords you an opportunity to continue with “attraction building”.  

Such a meeting should be casual and the vibe should be “chill” in all respects.  But make no mistake, the Meetup is fertile ground for planting more subtle, yet irresistible cues into your Ex’s subconscious.  

Subtle tactics such as “less is more” (i.e. taking things slow), use of positivity, kindness, subtle light touching, certain phrases, eye/smile contact, and use of certain verbal and nonverbal communication are examples of things you can to to rebuild attraction.  

And guess what? All of these things can cause the release of oxytocin in your Ex’s brain.  What is oxytocin, you may ask?  It is simply the most powerful, natural occurring hormone that is instrumental in PAIR BONDING.   By implementing all of the elements of the Ex Recovery System, you are slowly making inroads into your Ex’s “right brain”, which is the EMOTIONAL Control Center.  

If your Ex associates positive feelings with “you” because of the positive experiences they have enjoyed with you…..and if you leverage certain other tactics….oxytocin will work its wonders.

mending the broken hearts 

The Meeting After the Meeting:  So the two of you are back together again! Congratulations. But guess what?  Unless you and your Ex eventually sit down and REALLY talk about the things that contributed to your breakup, you may end up right back where you started.  

Typically, after you have established progress through a casual  meet-up or two, there will come a time when the two of you sit down to discuss the problems triggering the break up.  

As I alluded to, what you don’t want to happen is the typical on/off breakup cycle. Thus far you have appealed to the “right side” of your Ex’s brain (i.e. emotional). In the meeting after the meeting,  it’s time to connect with their “left side” brain.

I teach how you and your lover should go about having a meaningful discussion and I lay out the rules of such a meeting.  As with all things, timing is important. You certainly don’t want to rush into talking about these “heavy” matters until the two of you have had some time to simply enjoy each other’s company.  But it cannot be something you sweep under the carpet and forget about.  History has a persistent way of repeating itself if interventions are not made.  

 

 

How To Get Your Relationship and Marriage Back – The Breakup Zone Guide

When you think about what you should do to reconnect with your ex, whether it is your husband or ex boyfriend (or wife or ex girlfriend), you should NOT think so much about the granular details.  You can get lost in all the specifics.

Nor do relationships come back together because of a few tactics you execute.

Think of getting your relationship back on track as part of a process.  Think of getting back with your ex or recovering the vitality of your marriage as a systematic approach.

The trick is knowing where to put your focus.

taking a journey after breakup

I want you to think of  relationship recovery as a journey.  Forget about the articles you have read that offer you a fast and furious way of regaining the love you have with your ex.

It is never that easy.  For starters, when your ex has left you, it is very difficult to stop thinking about him or her.  I write about this in the article below….

How Do I Stop Thinking About My Ex Husband or Ex Wife: A Break Up Guide

Remember, recovering your relationship is much more about the journey you take as an individual.

Now, I don’t mean to ignore the importance of the shared journey that a “couple” embarks on as they seek to strengthen their relationship.

That is important too.  But every journey to bettering your marriage begins from within.

A Systematic Approach to Putting Your Relationship Back in Order

putting pieces together after split up

As you embark on this journey, I want you to try and imagine what it would be like if you had no plan to recover your Ex.  

I want you to think about how you would go about reigniting attraction with the one you love, but who has broken up or separated  with you.

Ok…so tell what you see!

Well, since I have an extraordinary gift of reading your mind, I guess I will just go ahead and describe it!

So what would it be like if you had no coherent plan to recover your Ex?

If you are like most folks, I would say you would probably picture a scene cluttered with wild ideas and desperate attempts to win back your lost love.

the break up zone

And that is the problem for many people when they enter the “Breakup Zone”.   

It is confusing and painful to be in the Breakup Zone.  People are not themselves and are often searching for answers.

They may not fully understand why things unfolded in the way that they did. When relationships come to an end, people are often encountering extreme emotional reactions and are confused as to where to turn.

If you feel lost…if you feel your marriage has gotten away from you, then what are you to do?  I discuss some solutions here…..

Is Your Marriage Lost – Helping You Find Your Way

No doubt, breakups can cause a lot of confused feelings about where to turn.

Did you know that many of these unsettled feelings arise when when we operate from the right side of our brain?  You see, that is where the negative emotional control center resides.

Who would have ever thought that we have two sides of our brain that  competes for attention and control.   We need them both.  Our left side is our logic center. Our right side is our emotional operating system.

And right now, the right side of the brain is probably dominating your mood. Right after a breakup, that side of the brain conspires to make things worse.  Like an addict suffering withdrawal symptoms, individuals going through a breakup suffer a similar plight.   And all of this pain has a biochemical origin.

If you were like me, you probably didn’t care a lot for chemistry when you were going to school.  It just didn’t excite me much.  I mean really, what is with all these odd symbols and compounds of things.

But you know, since I work with so many people helping them with escaping the Breakup Zone, I have had to learn some things about chemistry….quite a few things.  And I want you to know, chemistry is a heck of a lot more interesting than you probably realize!

the chemistry of love

Throughout your relationship, your brain became accustomed to its daily doses of oxytocin and the positive effects of dopamine.  Everything seemed wonderful when your romance was budding.  Your brain was flushed with these “feel good” chemicals and oh, it really felt good when you were on a love induced natural high.

But once a breakup occurs, those chemicals go into decline.  And there is always a price to pay when the “feel good” chemicals go crashing.  

To make matters worse, the pain of a marital separation or breakup, as you probably well know,  is not just limited to emotional suffering. Real physical pain is not uncommon.  Make no mistake, our physiology and emotional control centers are synergistically linked and the chemicals being released in your brain can rule the day.

So what is one to do?

Give up?

Cry?

Become a monk or Nun?

Well, if you ask me, it really depends on what you want to accomplish.

In the back of your mind or possibly in the forefront, you may be thinking all you want is your Ex back. You may be keenly focused on just getting your husband (or wife) back.  That may very well be the only thing you are thinking about.  And thoughts of returning back to those days of marital bliss may color every day and night.

For a lot of people, their mantra becomes,  “I want my Ex back.  I want my Ex back.”  Indeed, you might be so obsessed with the notion that you become physically exhausted and ill.  Just know that when your mind is flooded with such thoughts, it is largely your brain chemistry talking.  And these voices are very difficult to control, particularly in the early days of breaking it off with hubby or wife.

Don’t you just hate it when you can’t shake loose of obsessive thoughts.  I have seen some people just smack myself on the right side of my head, thinking that will dislodge those pesky “right brain” thoughts.

News Flash!

Beating yourself up emotionally just does not get results.   And self inflicted pain is a very serious condition and if your behaviors are leading you to that, please get immediate help.

So what is one to do to try and recover the relationship or marriage back?

Well,  first you need to experience some healing.  You will also need to gain some much needed perspective.  Neither of these two things will happen over nite.

But trust me, in time, you will draw closer to your “true” feelings as to what is in your best interest.  But right now, be careful with putting too much stock into all of the thoughts running through your mind.

Why is that?

It is simple.  Remember, you are in the Breakup Zone right now.  It is like the twilight zone for couples who have parted ways.  So your sense of reality is most likely warped.

So, you are still wondering, “what is one to do!

getting life back on track after split up

How To Get Your Relationship Back on Track

I think you are in need of a pragmatic Game Plan.

Show me a person without a plan and I will show you someone who is aimlessly wandering around, randomly trying things out and frequently striking out.

To be successful in the unforgiving world I call the Breakup Zone, you need to have an innovative Relationship Game Plan.  You need to embrace a Recovery System that has a proven track record.

Would you like to embark on this journey!

I sure hope so, because that is where I intend to lead you!

Quite frankly, there is much for you to learn.

I encourage you to explore other sections of my website that discuss how utilizing the No Contact Principle can make a huge difference in your quest to repair your relationship

Can You Save Your Marriage With The No Contact Rule?

 

To learn how to patch up your relationship with your significant other, you need to learn the importance of waging a Recovery campaign on two fronts.  This involves creating an environment in which your ex misses you.  Then on another front, you want to have a mindset that the most important thing in your life should be about fulfilling your emotional needs and striving to become the best person you can be in your mind’s eye.

You see, what is important is understanding there is a power in turning away from that which you “think” you want.  Your emotional need may be yearning to get your ex back.  But in the period following a break up, that is usually the last thing you want to do.

During your journey, you will want to learn that the single most important strategy in your quest to recover your Ex is to first  Become the Best Version of Yourself.  

Now sometimes at this stage of my introduction into my world view about relationships, someone from way back in the audience will stand up and say, “Chris, I don’t want to be a better version of myself. I just want my ex back”!  

This is when I usually call upon the Yoda version of me and I reply,

 If you end your training now — if you choose the quick and easy path as Vader did — you will become an agent of evil.”

Ok, so maybe this is not what I told them!  Perhaps what I really said was,

“You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Ok, you got me on that one too!  Yep, that is Yoda again.  But there is a truth to those quotes from wise little Yoda.

As you will discover if you explore this website, all of the things I teach fit together seamlessly to form a complete strategy on how to successfully reunite with your ex husband or ex wife.

recover our relationship

Recovering Your Relationship

Your journey will teach you how the Complete Ex Recovery System can work for you in ways that you can not even imagined right now!  So why do I refer to my teachings here this website as the complete ex recovery system.  

First of all, a lot of folks that come to this website are searching to get that magic back in their relationship.  Something has been displaced.  The special feelings that use to make the relationship shine, seem to have departed for many.  Many of my clients are suffering within their marriage.  Some are actively trying to regain their husband or wife.  Perhaps they are separated by years of resentment and conflict.  Perhaps the problem has much more to do with their feelings of being forgotten right inside the marriage itself.  I have had some people tell me they can sit next to their husband (or wife) and feel like they are completely lost.

Sometimes the couple’s relationship is literally broken in two and the marriage is been vacated.  In these cases the two people may have left each other on an emotional level.

Right now, you are probably focused like a laser on your Ex.  He or she probably occupies your mind endlessly.

But quite frankly, this system does much more than help you get your ex back. Sure, that is probably the primary driving force for why you came to this site. You are suffering and right now all you can think about is having your ex back in your life.

I understand.

But for a moment, I want you to switch over to the left side of your brain’s way of thinking about things.  This is the logical and rational side of your mind.

It is said, that “when emotions run high, logic runs low.”  

Well, I want you to do me a favor and think about this journey you are about to take in a somewhat different way.  I want you to shift your paradigm.  As I pointed out, you are probably obsessed with the notion of winning back your Ex.  Well, I want this journey you are about to embark on to be about much more than that.

If getting your ex back is your singular focus, then you might succeed with my teachings.  But if you are truly on a journey to learn and grow, then you should look to gain much more than getting back with your ex.

Most of my clients come to me wounded and confused, feeling they have lost their purpose.  As you probably well know, such feelings are not unusual after a breakup.

When people enter into the Breakup Zone, they become lost souls.

What they need is direction. I teach my clients that first they need to begin with their healing process.  I show them how.

Then we talk about the need to regain their confidence and self esteem.  When something is torn away from you, you lose some confidence and a sense of who you really are.

When you are really close to someone else, you become bonded and connected in ways that are only truly understood after that connection is broken.  That missing void has to be replaced.

I teach my clients the importance of re-engaging in life and shifting their paradigm. They need to become a better version of themselves.  They need to learn about re-attraction.  And if they truly desire to reunite with their Ex, they will need to learn about making it stick.

So I teach people how to embark on a journey of learning.

The success of your journey should not be measured by whether your Ex texted or called you back or agreed to meet with you again.   It should not be measured by whether your husband or wife said something really sweet to you. Success may not even be measured by whether the two of you are eventually reunited.   Trust me, while such things may seem like the most important things in the world to you right now, these measures of success may not be the most meaningful things.

relationship success

The Many Faces of Relationship Success

A year from now, you may not even think of the improvements you make in your life as “accomplishments”.  Your journey of life may take you to a different place altogether.  I am not talking about a geographic location, though that can’t be ruled out entirely either, but rather, your journey may lead to possibly a different lover, a different occupation, a different and better version of YOU.   

Real success has many faces.

So don’t lock yourself into just looking at things from one angle.  I have had countless clients who came back to me months later to tell me how things worked out for them.  For example:

“Thank you Chris for opening my eyes and giving me hope.  My ex is no longer part of my life, but I feel so much happier with myself and all of the possibilities that lay before me”.  

Of course, I get plenty of stories like the one from Camelia who told me:

“It worked Chris.  I did everything you said and we got back together. Much of it worked.  You were right about No Contact and building attraction. I kept tickling that feeling I knew he had about me.”   

Oh, I neglected to tell you something very important!

Throughout this website, I have written about some of the key things you need to focus on to get your relationship back on track. I want you to think of getting your ex back in terms of a synergistic system comprising of 7 key components.  Each of these components are connected and interrelated.

You can read more about how to save your relationship in this post.

How To Save Your Troubled Marriage

And there is another important part to your relationship recovery story.

There is this amazing force that is all around us.

It is called ATTRACTION.

rebuilding the relationship from ground up

Relationship Recovery is About Rebuilding Attraction

That may be what is missing right now in your life.  The attraction between you and your Ex is probably at an all time low. And it is not because you are not beautiful enough or handsome enough.  As you probably understand, attraction is a multi faceted force that is impacted by many things.  Part of it depends on the degree of conflict and animosity between a couple.  Another part of attractions revolves around the history of behaviors between the couple.  And attraction can grow or wane depending on one’s emotional state.

If you desire to get back with him or her, attraction needs to be recovered. It needs to be re-ignited.

But here is the important piece.  There is another kind of attraction you need to rebuild.  Care to guess what it is?

It is simple!

Look into the mirror.  The answer is staring you in the face.  You need to rebuild ATTRACTION in yourself.  If you are not already, you want to be your own best friend.

Odds are that your self confidence is low.  Your self esteem has taken a blow.  You feel listless and maybe even depressed.  You may feel helpless, lacking in hope. And if you are like a lot folks who are struggling with a breakup, you probably have let yourself go a bit.

All of that has to CHANGE!   That should be the first phase of your journey of recovery.

Because you see, to be successful in repairing your relationship with your ex, you need to restore the bond with yourself.

When you learn and agree that the “attraction” which arises between YOU and your Ex is correlated with the attraction YOU hold for yourself, you will have taken the most important step in your goal of rebuilding your relationship.

These two ATTRACTION outcomes share a synergistic relationship. You can’t have one, without the other.

How Do I Stop Thinking About My Ex Husband or Ex Wife: A Break Up Guide

So you wake up in the morning and your ex is on your mind.

You can’t get thoughts about them out of your head.  For that matter, when you go to sleep, you find your innermost thoughts wandering back to those times  when you and your ex boyfriend or ex husband or ex wife, or former girlfriend (whatever the case may be) spent precious and memorable times together.

How do you go about stopping yourself from thinking about your ex?

How do you stop fantasizing about your ex coming back into your life?  Perhaps you fantasize about your ex knocking on your door with a bouquet of flowers full of apologies.

Or maybe it isn’t the good times with your ex husband or ex wife you want to usher back in, but rather you find yourself thinking about how sad you feel and how they hurt you with their words or actions

Whichever the case, you often find yourself haunted by the thoughts and memories of your ex and you want to make it stop.

no control of break up blues

Its not easy to feel like you don’t have control over what you are thinking and when you are thinking about your past broken relationship.  And when you are not thinking about your ex on the conscious level, it seems that your subconscious is conspiring to remind you of the many little, seemingly non consequential things you and your ex use to do together.

It is those little precious, little gems of thoughts about your ex that can drive you to the the edge of insanity.

Sometimes it is just a matter of hearing a certain sound or seeing a specific thing and before you know it, memories of your ex come flooding back like a giant tidal wave and you become caught up in forces that are far beyond your control.

If you are a woman, what will likely plague your mind immediately is how to get your man back after the marriage goes south.  I wrote about how to navigate these difficult relationship waters in this post…

How To Get a Man Back After a Marriage Break Up

I think all men and women who are torn up inside from a failed relationship or marriage struggle, particularly in the early days, weeks, and months,  find themselves completely alone except for the thousands of haunting memories of their ex.

It is not like we have a magic wand that can be waved and suddenly all of our pains and destructive passions fade away.

Often times, you feel utterly helpless.

You know what I mean, right?

Your friends and others tell you it is in your best interest to stop thinking about your ex husband or ex wife.  The people you trust tell you that focusing on the past, especially the good times you had with your ex, is asking for trouble.

obsessive thoughts of ex

But sometimes you can’t help it.  These persistent thoughts of your ex, so you think at the time, just seem to have a mind of their own.  They come rushing into your whole being as if they are welcomed forever, yet they haunt your todays and tomorrows.

So how does one go about breaking this habit or routine of allowing oneself to think far too much about your ex?  Should you try and stop your thoughts about your former lover?

I mean after all, you reason, your ex husband (or ex wife) did bring you some fulfilling moments, right?

So what could be so wrong with thinking about the times when they treated you like your were  a princess or king?  Can’t you take some pleasure from those fond memories you have of your ex?

Does it really hurt you in the long run or is it OK to just allow yourself to slip into the places of the past where things between you and your ex were much more simple and felt so good?

It’s pretty tough to know what is the right thing to do when you find yourself stretched emotionally like a piece of taffy.

Marriage is hard and getting yourself to stop thinking about your man is even harder.   I explore this topic in this post….

Why Is My Marriage So Hard

what to do when you miss your ex

Sometimes, you welcome those wonderful memories of lying in bed together or waking in the park.  You treasure those memories when you and your ex made love or simply held hands and walked down the street or throughout a beautiful park.  Is that so wrong, conjuring up such wonderful visions of the past?

Or is it a form of slow torture?

On the other side of the coin, you know that it is also true that sometimes your mind gets flooded with some of the ugliness that’s unfolded in your life.  You remember how your ex screamed at you and accused you of things, some of which were entirely untrue.

The hurt that resided in the middle of your chest actually returns when such frightful and painful memories of your ex are conjured up.  So you think to yourself, “I will never allow myself to go there again.  I will never think of my ex again”.

But it is not easy to control our minds.  Thoughts just seem to slide in and out, willy nilly.

So whether your feel enchanted by your memories of your ex or haunted by the misfortunes that came upon the two of you, it is important you know that experiencing such thoughts is a perfectly natural way of dealing with your grief and recalling the realities of your past circumstance.

You are no more capable of turning off your mind from these thoughts of your ex than the most powerful, strongest minded individual of the world.  You see, our thoughts reflect our mood to some degree.

And unless you are Mr. Spock, your break up with your ex is going to result in you taking a journey through the wonderland of many moods.

So folks might tell you to stop thinking about your ex.  They might tell you to simply shut him (or her) out of your life, both your real, everyday life and your mental and imaginary world.

Some people might encourage you to turn all your thoughts to other things, warning you that any thoughts of your ex husband or ex wife (or boyfriend or girlfriend) will scar you for life and prevent you from being able to move on.

I think such advice is short sighted.  Our past experiences with our ex boyfriends or girlfriends inform us and instruct on the good things that we did and shared with our former lover.  And they also help us understand some of the mistakes we made with our ex.  Without our ability to reflect on the past, we cannot learn how to better tackle the future.

Not Thinking About Your Ex Is Unrealistic

its normal to think about ex husband

The truth of the matter is that in order for you to stop thinking about your ex, you need to take some time and do the opposite.

I know! I know!  You are thinking, “now how in a heck does that work?”

For now, give me a little trust and keep on reading!  There is a method to this perceived madness and hopefully you will come to understand the point I am making

It is rather simple.  If you and your ex are no longer an item….if you guys are no longer together….then in the early days of the separation I want you to do what is normal.

Basically, I want you to go through a mourning stage.  You need to feel bad about missing your Ex.  That is a perfectly normal stage of grief.  You have lost someone. Don’t try to make it complicated.  Much later, you an figure out if you want to try to get your ex back.  But for now, mourn your loss.

It is OK to feel bad about your ex husband or ex wife no longer being a integral part of your life.  So just let it all hang out.

Yes, that is what I think you should do.  Now, I am assuming you have already gone through  the stage of being shocked and bewildered by the breakup.  That is really the first stage of the cycles and stages of emotions you will typically experience. So let those thoughts come out, if they have not already been purged.

You see, the thing about being human and recovering from heart break is learning to given in completely to your emotions.  What would you do if you were a small boy or small girl?  You would feel bad.  You would cry.  Now of course, you should probably do all these things in private.  But learn from the emotional wisdom of when your were child and do what is natural.

Sometimes we get caught up with what we are told to do and feel and forget entirely about allowing ourselves to truly “feel”.

But there is a limit to the amount of time you want to spend in each emotional stage.  If you get stuck in any one stage for many days and weeks, then you end up doing yourself a disservice.

You end up suffering much more.  You do not want to wallow in break up misery.

And importantly, if you cannot allow yourself to feel and experience the loss along this emotional curve (which I will describe in more detail in just a bit), you will find it exponentially more difficult to stop obsessing and thinking about your ex husband or ex wife or whatever ex we are dealing with here.

I guess we should give you a little run down of the type of emotions you can expect to experience after experiencing a breakup. Once you allow yourself to slide through this scale of feelings, only then will you be better equip to stop thinking about your ex on a regular basis.

It’s important you have some insight about the emotional roller coaster that unfolds after a break up.  It will help you understand why it is so difficult to stop thinking so much about your spouse (or boyfriend or girlfriend).

But as with all wild and crazy roller coaster rides, there will come an end to the flood of what I like to call “the break up thoughts”.

The Stages of our Emotional Loss Following a Break Up

stages of break up aftermath

I submit to you that your best defense against the rampaging thoughts you might have about your ex is to make sure you have properly allowed yourself to get in touch with your feelings.

You see, we are feeling creatures first….then thinking creatures second.

Oftentimes it is necessary for us to work through our emotional loss, but it is easy to get stuck in neutral.  Sometimes we are seduced by the lure of thinking far too much about our past experiences with our ex.

To help you navigate through this maze of the “crazy ex blues” as I like to call them, it is helpful to get acquainted with the path forward.

Look at your journey over the first weeks following your breakup or breakdown of the marriage as an experiential process.  Indeed, this journey can be broken into component parts.

Let’s call them stages.

There are 5 of them.

And if you are going to put a stop to the running thoughts about your ex boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife, then you need to walk through the valley of these 5 stages.

What are they?  Well, let’s find out.

A Break Up Can Lead to Denial & Isolation

going through break up stages

When your relationship goes down the tubes, one of the first stages you will experience is an overwhelming sense of grief.

Losing an ex is like losing a part of yourself.

It is as if your best friend, best lover, best of everything had died or vanished.  But you should know that it is perfectly natural for you to experience these feelings. And also know that in the course of trying to process the loss, you will experience this overwhelming sense of denial that your marriage or relationship is over.

It simply can’t be true“, you will think over and over again.  But it is true and it is happening.

Unfortunately, our psyche needs time for reality to catch up.

So when you are confronted by these obsessive feelings of missing your ex and they seem to dominate every thought, just know that many of the thoughts to follow will be filled with a sense that none of this can be really happening.

You might even freak out at times because the very notion of thinking about losing him or her is just too much for you to process.  And as much as your rational mind will try to convince you that it is really happening, a part of you will cling to the notion that the whole thing must be a dream.

Or that you have somehow misinterpreted what is really happening.  Or that your ex somehow didn’t mean what they said.  Or that your ex just overreacted and that soon, everything will be back to normal.

I am sorry to burst your bubble, but none of these things are usually true.  It is just your “psyche of denial” taking over, leading you down the wrong path.

So be ready for this kind of thing.  Understand what you are going through is a normal stage of grief for losing your ex.  Understanding such things, helps you cope better with the raging thoughts of your ex in those early days.

Anger Will Take Root

anger follows a break up

Eventually your sense of denial will give end to a bubbling sense of anger.

You will very likely go through a phase where many of your thoughts toward your ex husband or wife are focused on the negative aspects of their behavior.

You will remember every word they said, but now many of them will be cast in ugliness or with a lack of sensitivity.  Remembering that will make you mad. And you will think about your ex’s  words and actions even more, churning them through your mind over and over.

Before you know it, you will be running through your mind over and over again all kinds of scenarios.   Eventually your anger will boil over as you start thinking of all the cruel and angry things you could say to your ex husband or ex wife to get them back.

Though this emotional stage is largely unproductive, it is hard to stop yourself from these thoughts and feelings directed at your ex.  It is better to try and get them purged out quickly.  So as you experience such thoughts, which come from the right brain, activate your left brain (i.e. the logical and rational side) and remind yourself that you are going through a phase and it will eventually pass.

It is better to exercise these feelings and work them out so that you can be rid of them.  While your rational mind can make a case that your ex is not so bad, remember, when you are in this stage of grief, you are not thinking with your rational mind.  You are living within the right side of the brain….the emotional side.

So allow yourself the opportunity to experience this stage unimpeded.  I know it sounds crazy. I don’t mean to encourage hate or perpetuate angry feelings.  But such feelings are likely bottled up in side and you need to find a healthy way to get them out.  Otherwise, the thoughts of anger will roll over and over in your mind and lead to self destructive behavior.

Do Be Surprised if You Feel the Need to Bargain with Your Ex

bargaining with ex after break up

Eventually as you leave the anger behind, you come face to face with this notion within you that just perhaps you can work things out with your ex.

But in most cases, it is far too soon to make up and get back together again. Usually, you need to go through all the 5 stages and then you need even more time to properly heal and rediscover what you want in your life.

So beware of the little “makeup devil” that resides within you.  Psychologists refer to it as a period of trying to “bargain” with your ex husband or ex wife.

Bargaining with your ex is almost always a losing battle.  So beware of that monster inside you.  Your inner mind will try and convince you that if you do some pleading or even some begging, he (or she) will take you back.  Seldom does that happen in the world of relationship breakups.

Keep your dignity and stay true to your journey through self discovery.  I realize it is easier said that done.  And if you do find yourself trying to prematurely recover your ex husband or ex wife back , then just know you are not unlike many millions of other men and women who have traveled that same path.

Break Up Depression Takes Hold

feeling depressed by break up

So as you travel down the path of the various emotional stages, a depressive state usually takes hold.  The degree and magnitude of the depression will vary depending on each person and their circumstance.

It is OK to feel the rush of the break up blues.  It is well within the normal range of how people should react to feel low and depressed.  None of us are like machines that can be turned off when things go off kilter.  Relationships can be difficult and when you break up with your ex husband or ex wife, the feelings and thoughts you experience on a daily basis will taking a bruising.

So let it all hangout because by doing so you can help wring out the break up blues.

But you do not want to wallow in self pity for an extended period of time.  While it may take days or a week or two to navigate through the difficult times, just be aware that if your break up depressive state grows legs and starts running away with you as its hostage, you probably need to seek some professional help.

The key thing for you to understand is that it is OK to feel the break up blues.  If you pretend the whole affair doesn’t matter to you or try to run away from your true feelings, it will take longer to fully recover.  And you will find yourself victimized by an endless stream of thoughts about your ex.

recovery from being dumped

Finally Acceptance and Forward Movement Unfolds

So as you take your journey through the five classical stages of break up recovery, just know that you are following a fairly regular cycle.  Don’t fear what is ahead of you.  Embrace it.  It is how we human beings recover from grief and tragedy.

And the most important thing for you to understand and embrace is that you will come out of this difficult period.  You will eventually accept what has happened and act constructively to better yourself and your self interests.

feeling empowered after breakup

Knowing How Things Unfold is Empowering

Of all the things I could teach you, the most important of them all as it pertains to preventing you from constantly thinking about your ex….whether it be your ex husband or your ex wife….is to accept that you will travel through various stages of grief.

Part of this journey is accepting that you will be filled with many thoughts of your ex.  Some of them sad.  Some of them remembrances of past happier times.

The way forward is to not fight your feelings of grief.  But don’t dwell in grief.

The way forward is not to give in to anger and denial. These feelings will come upon you, but know that they will soon pass.

Allow yourself to move along the chain of emotions you will invariable experience.  Know that you will be susceptible to bouts of trying to negotiate with your ex and reconcile differences.

Sometimes you might even get results.  But often, such efforts soon after a break up are not in your best interests.

Eventually, you will see the bigger picture and get in touch with your truer feelings.  Take advantage of opportunities to be active because it is in the pursuit of exercise, whether it be mental exercise such as reading or physical exercise like jogging,  you will be able to lessen the burden of the recurring thoughts of your ex.

 

How To Get a Man Back After a Marriage Break Up

Have you ever wondered why break ups occur?  Why do men and women grow weary of their relationships and turn to another or in another direction?  What are your chances to get your man back if your marriage ends?

These are among the most asked questions I get from clients ever day.  Everybody wants to know the secrets of  how they should go about getting their man back.

A break up can be frightening.  Everything you thought you could count on is now disturbed and all your tomorrows seems like days full of sorrow, regret, and confusion.

pleading with your ex to come back

When faced with the utter despair of losing a husband or a boyfriend, many women turn to pleading for their lover to return.  Too many find themselves begging for their husband or boyfriend to return, promising that they will “change their ways” or “work even harder” to make the marriage and relationship work.

When it becomes apparent that their guy is having nothing to do with agreeing to a quick resolution, even if the terms are far in his favor, it is not unusual for the individual to sink into the worst of pity parties.

Part of the solution is to pull yourself out of the sad world and stop thinking about your ex husband.  I wrote a guide on how you can do this.  Please take a moment to check it out…

How Do I Stop Thinking About My Ex Husband or Ex Wife: A Break Up Guide

I used to think that a pity party had little value.

But there is research that shows that it is usually better to sponge out all of your emotions (preferably in short order) in order to right the ship.

This can take the shape of you spending a few hours in a fierce workout.  Or it could be you isolating yourself and just letting it all out in the form of a good old fashioned scream or cry fest or both.

The idea is sometimes you have to purge all of those negative feelings that are holed up inside of you.  Whether it is punching a bag or taking a basket of tennis ball out and just banging them against a wall, you want to extinguish all of that pent up the anger and unproductive energy.

exercise can help you with get over your ex

And there is something else that is very positive about getting engaged with exercise.  When you are physically active, your body produces and releases dopamine and endorphins and that “feel good feeling” helps alleviate some of the pain of heartbreak.

And if you integrate physical activity into your daily routine, then you are stepping in the right direction in terms of getting control over the right kind of chemicals that are being released in your body.

take care of your needs after a break up

Getting Closer To Yourself is the First Step of Recovering from Your Marriage Break Up

I am a real big proponent of taking care of number one and this is You!  If you feel torn in half after a marriage break up, you have to fight against the tide of your own feelings that are pushing back on you.

What do I mean by that?  Well, it is simple.  We are largely creatures of habit.  And when things go wrong with our relationships, we often want to instantly rush right back into the relationship.

There are ways to make up and rebuild your relationship and I write about that in this post…

How To Make Up and Rebuild Your Relationship After a Split Up

 

But we shouldn’t lose site that when a marriage crumbles, it will feel all is lost.

There is a good reason for why these feelings occur.

In large part, you don’t have full control of why you feel this way.  You see, after years of being connected and tied to your husband (or boyfriend) you in effect become a prisoner (to some extent) to your brain chemicals.

For example, without even realizing it, you have become reliant on dopamine which the brain produces when you are engaged in a closely bonded relationship. When you have pleasurable experiences with your husband, dopamine is released.  When the two of you hug and kiss or make love, dopamine and oxytocin is released.

Dopamine usually occurs in greater abundance at the beginning of a relationship and the feelings it can generate can be intense.  Over time, the release of dopamine becomes less.  But oxytocin, also called the cuddle hormone, fills in the gap quite well.  But take the relationship away and suddenly you start becoming dopamine and oxytocin deficient.  Like a drug addict, you will do almost anything to get that fix again…to be with your ex again.

So it is important you understand this natural phenomenon and what is happening with your mind and body when your go through a break up.  Knowing this is empowering.

While it may not significantly lessen the heartbreak you are going through, it helps immensely to understand what you can expect.  And by knowing this, you can take proactive steps to lessen the impact it has on your overall emotional system.

Literally working out your emotions through some physical exertion, such as exercise, can help you with getting your brain chemicals back in better balance. And this is one of the many steps you need to take on your journey to become a better you.

be present with the current moment

Become Present with Yourself After the Break Up

I recently interviewed a relationship specialist on my website, exboyfriendrecovery.com.   Victoria Grant and I discussed ways in which women might be able to better their chances of getting their ex back.  One of the things she talked about was the need for women to learn how to “date themselves“.

At first, I was at loss about exactly what she meant.  But after a few moments of discussing this creative concept, I realized she was absolutely right.

As we discussed, going through a break up is really hard for anyone.  Part of getting things back on track is learning how to become more “present with yourself”.

That entails doing things that allows you to get lost in the moment.  I can think of several activities you can immerse yourself to realize this state.  Reading a book….riding a bicycle across the beautiful countryside…..jogging in the park…taking a long hike….practicing yoga.  All of these things and more can help lift you out of the negative thoughts and environment.

Ask yourself, if you went on a dream date and did all of the things you would really want to, what would it be?

Being present within yourself is thinking about such things  and making them happen in your life.  It could be a simple date where you imagine walking along the sea shore.  It could be a thrilling date where you go on a hot air balloon ride.

Or maybe you always wanted to travel to San Francisco or Jackson Hole, Wyoming, so the idea would be to take yourself out and realize this dream.

Whatever it is you imagine yourself doing and wherever you imagine yourself going, make it happen.  Ask yourself on such a date and then make it a reality.

I would also suggest you don’t go along.  If you  are really feeling the vibe of wanting to experience all by yourself and your trust this feeling, then go for it.  But in a lot cases, it is best to be with a friend to share the experience.  Just them being there can help the adventure be more enriching and it also helps you avoid any melancholic moods.

Maybe you want to take a girlfriend with you to make it all the more interesting.  Perhaps you want to get a new dress or get your hair done just the right way before you embark on this adventure.  All of these things are part of taking care of yourself and becoming acquainted with the ways you would want to be treated.  In other words, treat yourself to a dating type of experience you have always dreamed of.

Treat yourself the way you would want your husband to treat you.  Thinking and behaving in this way helps you not only with the much needed emotional healing, but it can also serve as a road map to your next relationship.

are you looking to get your ex back

So What Do You Do To Get Your Man Back After a Failed Relationship?

Once again, I cannot emphasis enough the importance of regaining yourself, before you even think of getting your ex husband back or entering into a new relationship.

As I have explained, by having a relentless focus on making yourself your number one priority, you eventually will raise your personal power and chances of success in your next relationship.

Why is this so?

When people are seeking others to date and potentially build a life with, they invariably are influenced by what they see as a person who has it all together.

People who don’t carry their past burdens or relationship failures like baggage are considered more attractive.  What you are looking for is becoming the very best “You” that you can possibly be.

This cannot be accomplished unless you seek to lay waste to the past pains and sorrowful experiences.  You do not want to be defined by the collection of bad experiences you had with your ex husband or ex boyfriend.  Rather, you want to be understood and appreciated on the basis of the many good qualities that you possess.

To get to that place where you are thinking much less about recovering from a break up or divorce, or even a separation, you need to work through a process.

Finding the real “you” amidst all of the pain and suffering you may have endured since the break up won’t happen overnight or in week or even over months. It is different for everyone.  We all come from a different place when we emerge from a broken relationship.   So the recovery period will vary for each person. Just understand, a strong focus on your needs is a very important first step in your journey to a better place.

the best ways to recover your ex

Embracing the Holy Trinity of “You”

Sometimes the best way to win someone back, whether it be your ex husband or ex boyfriend, you have to be prepared to lose that person forever.

I know that sounds harsh or frightening for those who are still under the spell of their lover.  But in time, you will learn that to journey forward, you have to let go of the past.  And that means being prepared to accept you may not be successful in recovering your man.  Or you may discover along the way that you do not want him back.

In a way, what you are about to embark on is a journey of self discovery.  It is not unusual for a women’s sense of themselves to be lost within the construct of their prior relationship.

In other words, if you define who you are and what you are about in terms of your previous relationship with your boyfriend or ex husband, then in large measure your “self” has become trapped. And that is not a healthy way to live.

So it is important you embrace your independent self and to do that I would like to talk to you about the Holy Trinity.

Now, don’t get me wrong, as I am not about to drop a lot of religious thought upon you.  That is not what this is about.  Though, admittedly, I use the phrase, “holy trinity” as a metaphor to make a point.

I consider this focus on what I call the holy trinity to be one of the purest and spiritually impactful things you can do for yourself.

As I alluded to earlier, finding the the whole “you” or becoming the best version of yourself, is not going to be achieved by reading a few books or writing down your commitment into a journal.

You have to live and breath it and it has to be part of your essence. To often women (and men), when looking to reunite with the ex husbands or boyfriends or girlfriends,  will think that all they need to do is follow a 5 point plan or pay a small fortune for the secret recipe on “how to get your man back“.

But the truth of making yourself attractive to others is to first make yourself attractive to “yourself”.

Would you go out on a date with yourself?

The answer to that question needs to be a resounding “Yes”.  If you look at everything that is going on in your life and how it has impacted you and you conclude that you are not quite there yet, then don’t feel ashamed or disappointed.

You are where you naturally should be after going through the ravages of a break up with your man.  So accept your present state for what it is…..only a small chapter in your life.  Turn the page.  Accept that on a deep level and realize that all of the feelings you have now…..all of the anxieties that define you now….all of the fears that creep up on you are fleeting in the truest sense of the word.

Your focus going forward after the break up could be divided into three key areas. Health, Wealth, and Relationships.  As I mentioned earlier, this is the holy trinity of your journey.

recover from break up with healthy living

Get Healthy After Your Marriage Break Up

What I am talking about here is not just physical health.  Certainly, that is very important.  How we go about exercising, eating healthy and getting annual checkups……all these things are important.

But attaining good health is also about your emotional health.  I have already talked about that already, but would like to emphasize a few more points.

One of the more interesting findings from researchers is that both physical and emotional health are tied together.  When your marriage ends in a separation or break up, it feels like a painful punch to the gut.

Not only are you brought to your knees emotionally, but the suffering people often endure manifests itself  physically in the form of fatigue, headaches, and loss of appetite.  A large part of this phenomenon is due to the chaotic chemical shifts occurring in your body triggered by experience of breaking up with your boyfriend or husband.

Recognizing that you are at a crossroads where your emotional and physical states are in conflict, it is important you take action to get things back in balance.  It won’t happen overnight, but there are things you can do to improve your “health” situation.

Engaging in physically oriented activities like daily walks, hikes, runs, bicycling, and other recreationally oriented activities is a good way to replace your negative energy with a positive activity.

I have also been a big believer of embracing new experiences and routines to help you cope.  It is easy to get locked into an unhealthy routines to drown out the pain (i.e. excessive drinking,  binge behaviors, acting out your anger).

It is not unusual to spend far too much time thinking about your current plight. Getting healthy sometimes requires a meaningful change in your environment.

Sometimes it is necessary for you to lift yourself out of your environment and pursue a complete change of scenery.  Go somewhere that is different and new.  It can be anywhere, just as long as you lift yourself up out of the current environment.

The idea is sometimes you need to do something significant to break the spell of unhealthy thoughts, obsessive behaviors or whatever depressive emotional states you may be experiencing.

wealth of spirit and finances after separation

Building Your Wealth

I think wealth can also be broken up into two components.  There is the traditional form of wealth in which you seek to grow your financial independence.  Then there is what I would describe as “spiritual wealth” in which you seek to find a fulfilling emotional balance.

Let’s start first with your financial condition.  Sometimes, after a breakup, we are thrusted into a situation where we realize that we have vulnerability in terms of our finances.

Whether it is a matter of seeking out a better job or pursuing a certain promotion, the idea is that the greater your financial independence, the better you will feel about your overall independence.

And that in large part is what building wealth is all about.  It is something that is an “enabler”.  It allows you to build upon your independence and freedom.

Wealth in terms of improving your financial condition does not bring you happiness, but wealth as it relates to embracing a powerful sense of self belief can be life affirming.

Some of my clients seek professional counseling to come to better understand the complexity of their feelings.  Others have reported to me great clarity of mind after taking up meditative activities or getting engaged with yoga.  So wealth can be attained at the spiritual level.

The key here is understanding that building your wealth after a husband or boyfriend has abandoned you, is not just a healthy thing for you in the moment and in the future.  But increasing your “wealth”  also enables you to deal in the future with your husband or boyfriend from a position of strength and confidence if you should decide to re-engage.

rebuild and grow relationships after break up

Move From the Break Up to Building Relationships

Another focus area as you take this journey to becoming the best version of yourself is to realize that while your relationship with your ex husband is on the rocks, one of the best recovery cures is to grow and extend your relationships with others.

The last thing you want to do is curl up in a ball and hide out from the world forever.

Sure, we all will succumb to the need of being alone, particularly in the early days following the break up.  There is an emotional process we all go through when we are experiencing the immediate shock of disbelief following a break up.

Shock, pain, disbelief, depression, denial, anger, resentment, and finally acceptance are the stepping stones of your recovery process.  So it is perfectly natural to work your way through these feelings.

But when you find yourself weeks later still trapped in these emotions, then something is wrong.  And that is where your relationships with family and friends can be so critical to improving your state of mind.

We are all social animals and depend much more that we realize on our ability to interact daily with others.  So don’t give in to the impulse to hunker down by yourself, constantly feeling bad about your situation.

Push yourself to get up and out of your environment and spend quality time with your friends.  Participate in social events where you can meet and interact with new people.  Get busy with living your life in the company of others.