What Your Husband is Saying – What He Really Means

Sometimes it can be challenging to really understand what our spouses mean when they say certain things.  For example, if you are in an argument with your husband and he says, “I am sick and tired of this“, you may wonder, “what does he really mean by that”?

You might rush to judgement and think that your husband is sick and tired of you and the marriage.  You may start to worry that your husband wants out of the relationship.

is your husband sick and tired of marriage

You might think that when your husband is saying he is “tired of this“, what he is really referring to is the constant fighting or bickering that may be occurring with too much frequency.

Then again, you can’t be sure because after all, he is a guy, right?

Most men are not so good at opening up and sharing their most precious inner thoughts.  Just the notion of having to do that can cause your husband to twist and squirm.

And as the story goes, guys are always shooting off their mouth and saying hurtful things to get a rise out of you.  Right?

Well, some married men do just that.  It doesn’t necessarily mean that men are by nature, cruel and uncaring.

There is usually some other thing, which may be unrelated to you, that is causing them great consternation.

But some husbands are bad boys.

These guys go off on you because they are a bit twisted inside.

So Are All Husbands Are Bad Boys?

a bad boy husband

Well, not all of us are bad boys, but I do think just about all guys have some bad boy “attitude” in us.

And given the right circumstances, we can go “Volcano“.

All of us, whether we are talking husbands or wives,  sometimes need to get things off our chest.  And that is how  conflict in marriage can get started.  With the right recipe of emotions, a fight can emerge and a lot of words can just spill out.

Those of us that have a lot of bad boy in us,  can become blind in our rage.

If you are often on the receiving end of “barbed” attacks by your husband (or let’s say it is your boyfriend or even your ex husband who is playing bad boy),  you probably understand very well what it feels like to being on the receiving end of nasty comments.

Later, when the dust settles, you might start thinking about some of the bad things he said.  You may start to wonder if these things truly represent how he feels about you.

It can be distressful trying to process the awful and ugly things your husband may have let loose in the midst of an argument.

Let’s say your reading this and you and your husband got into a terrible fight.

You both lose control of your emotions and when the fight ends, you can’t help but wonder what happened.

Sometimes when things get out of hand, your husband can say things that wounds your soul, even shake you at the core.

And it is not always what he says, though that can be really bad, but it is how he says it.

You start thinking back to the what transpired and replay it in your mind.

a bad and rude husband

That look on your husband’s angry face, when the two of you are arguing, can get etched into your memory.  The tone in his voice when he unloads can be a haunting.

So with all these wound up emotions, it is not unusual for you or anyone for that matter, to start second guessing what might be going on in his mind.

It can be hard to make rationale sense of your husband’s  words and gestures, particularly when they are directed at you in the form of a verbal assault.

It is easy to lose perspective of exactly what was said because of the chaos of discord. You may also be dishing out some of your own venom as a measure of defense.

You probably were not raised to just sit or stand there and “take it”.

It may not be in your make up or constitution to become a punching bag for your husband.  Most people naturally resort to counter attacking.

Unfortunately this tactic usually just contributes to the confusion.

You fight back because it is your nature to defend yourself.  Or you may retreat because that too can be hardwired in how you deal with these situations.

Either way, you most likely will feel so caught up in the drama, you may lose perspective.   Hence you may not remember exactly what your husband said. You may find yourself later wracking your brain wondering something like, “Did he really say that.  Did he really think that?” 

The aggressive body posture that your husband assumes throughout a fight can also serve to upset you or even freak you out if he looks like he may be losing control.

Things can get ugly fast and as they do, you can’t help but think during and after the incident, “what does this mean for us?”

It can be difficult to process the whole experience when wild statements are coming fast and furious.

In a healthy marriage, what one looks for are positive deposits in the relationship trust bank.

But if you find yourself reeling from trying to recount all of the unbelievable things your husband was saying, you most likely will be experiencing a blurry aftermath period.

You will wonder, “What the hell happened.”

It is only later, sometimes hours or even days, that memories of things your husband said comes wafting down into your mind.

Then you start turning it over and over, trying to make sense of what your husband “really meant“.

This the nature of how misunderstandings arise within a relationship.

Why Does Your Husband Let It Loose When He Attacks You?

a husband that is breaking bad

One particularly destructive way a husband can tear down their marriage is when he starts letting it loose and “slamming” their wife.  It can be abusive when it happens with regularity.

Think of it as your husband Breaking Bad.

Everybody, for various reasons, can simply “lose it” and freak out.

The problem is when it happens with frequency.  I put together a post about how to handle a fight when it gets out of hand. Please take a few minutes and read it after you have finished here.

http://mymarriagehelper.com/how-to-stop-fighting-arguing-from-ruining-your-marriage/

If you are in a relationship in which your husband starts saying the most ridiculous and mean-spirited things, simply walk.

Just leave.  Walk to another room.  Go outside.  Or get in the car and drive away.

There is nothing good that comes from staying and trying to calm down your husband.  If he is going to misbehave, that is his choice.  But you have a choice of whether you wish to remain present.

Hopefully, your actions will convey to him that you have little tolerance for ugly behavior.

Some guys are just looking for an outlet for their pent up anger or anxiety.  And if your are not careful, certain routines can form such that your husband thinks he can act out.

It is best to nip these kind of behaviors in the bud.

So put some distance between you and your spouse.

Why Does Your Man Act This Way?

why does your husband act out

But you are probably still wondering why does my husband act out.

You may be thinking, “Does it mean he hates me? Did I do something to provoke his outrageous behavior?  Where is this coming from?”

These are all excellent questions.

Of course, outbursts from a husband can arise for many reasons.

Stress is usually a big component of behavior like this.  Try not to think of his loss of control as an attack on you.  While it could be, often it is not.

Rather, think of it as a “cry for help“.

Now, on the other hand, as I alluded to earlier, if this is the standard operating procedure for your husband, than it is NOT a cry for help.  Men that frequently behave this way are abusive.  And there should be  zero tolerance for this kind of behavior.

But we are talking about regular husbands who only occasionally may come apart at the seams and start ranting and raving about something that has them all worked up.

I know.  When it happens, it is an awful thing to be a part of and see unfold.

But typically, your guy is just releasing a lot of steam.  The rant that you witness is probably not directed at you.  It is likely that there is something else operating underneath the emotional outburst.

The married women I consult with will tell me things like:

That was so unlike my husband.”

“He is not acting himself”

“My husband unloaded on me and I am not use to that”

So what is really going on?

Why is the guy your married suddenly morphing into a monster, even for just those few seconds or minutes that he has a rage fit?

Well, as it turns out, the answers are not always straightforward.  And to complicate things more, your husband may not be ready to tell you what is really going on in his psyche.

Is Any Special Meaning or Agenda Behind Your Husband’s Words?

husband telling truth

I think we are all designed to find meaning in the things we see and experience.

If we are tied closely to someone at an emotional level, we can generally tell when things are a bit off.

You can usually sense when your husband is acting differently.

You can often pick up on the warning signals, whether it be his body language or the tone in his voice.  You can often spot the signs of a fight brewing, even before your husband gets all worked up.

But what does it all really mean?

Should you put any stock behind all the things he said?

For starters, if you are dissecting your husband’s statements that were made right after a fight, just know that your heightened emotions might bias the conclusions you reach.

If your husband becomes belligerent and starts criticizing you or makes statements that would suggest he is unhappy and feels trapped, etc, etc….many women will automatically conclude that their husband or boyfriend is truly unhappy with them.

Fears can grow in the mind that the husband wants “out of the marriage” or has “fallen out of love“.  Or worse, fear can cause the mind to race to wild notions.

We are that way.  All of us.  Our minds can race around and if your husband has said something insensitive or suggestive, we can easily fall prey to the worst of our imagination.

So Rule number one:

Be careful with initially over interpreting what your husband said or didn’t say.

Men usually carry their emotions inside.

Guys often don’t open up, without a lot of coaxing.  And pushing them to reveal a piece of themselves can be like extracting a tooth.  To further complicate matters, your husband may have difficulty acknowledging certain facts or feelings to themselves.

A typical guy would rather avoid expressing something that is bothering them because it could show them as weak.

Wives often have difficulty understanding their husband’s lack of “internalizing” and “unburdening” of feelings because  women often do the very opposite.

It feels perfectly natural for you, the wife, to share your worries and anxieties and concerns with your husband.  It makes you feel valued and safe and emotionally connected to your husband when you can share many of your most intimate thoughts.

A husband, on the other hand, can be uncomfortable with opening up.  The thought of pouring out their internal worries or anxious feelings is foreign to them.

So they naturally bottle them up.  It is a lot easier for a guy to not think about such things and sweep them away in their mind or intellectually pretend that the issue is not “all that important“.

Your husband will often turn to rationalization when it applies to something bothering them.

It could be a work issue.

It could be a personal matter.

The thing that is preying on their mind could be related to a physical ailment.

Whatever it is, a husband will tend to push it away and avoid revealing their  internal thoughts because it can make them uncomfortable and reminds them of their vulnerability.

So think about it.

If your husband is wired in a way to hold in a lot of his feelings, when they do finally come out, it could be like a volcano erupting.

He may have all this pent-up tension and when it comes pouring out in the form of a full-throated, red-faced attack, you may think the bulk of it is because of something you did wrong.

But often, what you said or did, has very little to do with what is really bothering your husband.

And I know this can be hard for some women to process, but it is true of many husbands and men in general.  When your guy really loses it and starts saying all kinds of upsetting things, there is usually a trigger or many triggers.

And it’s probably not you that he is really upset about.

Sure, whatever you were talking about may figure into all.  But know that men tend to bottle things up.  And when anger rises, they can say some of the most stupid and irresponsible things.

Don’t assume they don’t love you.

Don’t put too much stock into all of the words and accusations or complaints he may level against you.

Try to understand that your husband is lashing out, not from strength, but from weakness.

Now, in no way am I excusing this behavior are suggesting you need to just stand there in the blast zone and tolerate it.

Not at all.

As I mentioned earlier, you should have a zero tolerance policy about remaining in such an environment.  Leave the area immediately if you must.

In time, most husbands will come to regret their behavior and if you bring up the absurd or hurtful thing he said about you, he will likely retract it immediately and apologize.

So no, I don’t think you should put too much value on things your husband might say during a particular raucous fight or outburst.

So is there anything your husband said that should be taken at face value?

he may tell you some truth

I tend to live by the Kernel of Truth Theory.

Usually, if your husband sharply attacks you and says things that causes you to question his level of commitment or his views about you,  there may very well be a kernel of truth associated with his criticism.

But look at the big picture.

Just because he says something, doesn’t make it true.  And if he does intimate something about you that is unflattering, then shame on him if he is doing it in an insensitive way.

The best way to learn how your husband really feels about you or some topic that is important to you is to wait until a time when you are BOTH in a positive state of mind.

Don’t try to challenge your husband about something controversial he said in a heated moment.

It is always better to have discussions with people about potentially sensitive topics when things are calm. Tactically, it can be helpful to approach a difficult subject after you complement your husband.

Build him up and tell him how you admire his character and how he supports you. Men’s egos require an occasional stroking.  Let those sentiments wash all over him for a while.  Then you can broach the subject that you wish to explore more.

Calmer minds and emotions are always a good foundation for open and honest dialogue.

How Do I Make My Ex Husband Miss Me and Think About Me Constantly

If you are in place in your life where you want your ex husband back, then you need a strategic plan going forward.

Making your ex husband constantly think about you and miss all of the things about you that are special and fulfilling is where you want him to arrive.

Right now, he is probably not there.

my ex husband thinks about me constantly

He probably sees you in a more negative light.

After all, the two of you have struggled.  You may now be separated or even divorced.

So his mindset about you is geared to see the negatives first.  This is particularly the case if your break from your husband was painful or recent.

How your ex husband sees you has to change.

But how?

Eliminating the negative thoughts your ex may have about you and replacing them with positive memories is your goal.  By accomplishing this, you will cause your ex to want to draw closer to you.

This is where you will start getting traction.

You see, people are drawn or repelled to each other for several reasons.  Being a good talker is not considered one of them.

Trust me, it is overrated.  Perhaps in the movies where pick up artists are depicted, a good line or talker is considered a useful strategy.

But in real life, it is more often the unspoken word and actual actions that matter most.

So whatever verbal (or written) argument you make with your ex husband to awaken his attraction for you will usually be ineffective.

But there is hope!

As it turns out, there are certain important strategies you can implement that will help your ex husband view you in a different light.

What you want is for him to see you as someone who is interesting, fun, beautiful, and desirable.

How do you get there from here?

Leveraging the Siren Effect to Get Your Ex’s Attention

using your sex appeal to attract your ex

When a woman is able to use her sexuality to attract and arouse her husband, she is in effect making valuable deposits into his “bank” of memorable moments.

The way she goes about doing those “little things” to arouse her husband can be magical.  Even when she is simply in his presence, her attraction can reach across the room or through a wayward glance.

All these things can add up to a powerful attractive force.

A woman who is wise, understands the value of her sexuality.  When she deploys her natural gifts and uses them with patience, the effect it can have on a guy can be enormous.

Your ex husband is not unlike the vast majority of men.

Men desire sex and have all kinds of sexual fantasies.  They are more inclined to be visually stimulated.  Men sometimes even think of their wives as a sexual object.  Such thoughts emerge from some small part of a man’s fantasy driven mind.

If you want your ex husband to miss you and think about you constantly, using your sexual prowess to quench your ex’s appetite is one way he will come to constantly think of you and want you back in his life.

I know that sounds a bit raunchy.

You may be thinking, “Really, Chris, I have to seduce my ex husband with sexy and naughty behavior just to satisfy that place in his mind where he sees me as a sexual object of some kind?

It does sound a bit coarse and crude when you put it that way.

But yes, a man, your ex husband included, is going to be naturally drawn to you more if he sees you as a woman who is desirable.

And desire has many shades.

That does not mean you were not attractive before or even now.  But putting a somewhat different spin on your appearance and coupling that with some sly timing, can result in him seeing you in a different light.

These kind of thoughts are not happening all the time in your man’s mind.  But to the extent you can help trigger and stimulate your ex husband’s “cave man” appetite to have you in his arms, you in effect can create in him a stream of positive and desirable thoughts.

And that is your goal.

Building an inventory of positive thoughts and memories in the mind of your ex when thinks of you.

But don’t make it too easy for your ex as “The Chase” is part of the unconscious appeal and satisfaction your former husband still yearns for.  If you push the right buttons, he will want you in the most sexual and erotic ways.  And if he can’t have you, then he will desire you more.

So just don’ be in any hurry to completely satisfy your ex husband’s lust.  You may have greater success if you make him wait and work for you.

Churn up the attraction ever so slowly.

Re-attraction is a Slow Dance

slowly attracting your ex hubby

Attraction is a slow dance of give and take.

You give your ex husband a little taste, then you take it away. Give and take away. Doing it ever so gently so that it enhances the value of what he really, really wants, badly.

It is also about helping your ex husband forge a new,  perhaps even more exciting way of thinking about you.  This is how you can make him miss you.

You want him to miss that special little smile or loving look you give him when you first see each other.  You want your ex husband to value how you give him that extra little squeeze during a semi intimate embrace.

It can be bewitching to your ex husband when he comes over to check on something at your house and he sees you standing there in something somewhat provocative looking.

Maybe you are bra less.  But you are not acting seductively.

Perhaps you are wearing a certain perfume as you offer up a compliment.

Essentially,  you want your ex husband to walk away from that encounter with little seeds of arousal and attraction dancing through his mind.

Even if he acts like he doesn’t notice, he probably does at the unconscious level. And it in our unconscious minds that we end up making many of our decisions about a great many things.

Your “Siren” actions need not and should not be anything overt.

Less is more when you seek to create these little memories for your ex husband.

If your ex husband, the guy who you want thinking about you constantly, sees you as a desirable “catch“, a beautiful, even re-made woman who has the capacity to arouse other men (himself included), then you are indeed changing his perspective of who you are.

But sex and physical intimacy is just part of the puzzle.

Out With the Old Bad Thoughts and In With The New Positive Thoughts

finding the positive and dropping the negative

Shifting any negative thoughts he may have about you and replacing them with desirable thoughts is also an important outcome.

And it is not all about arousal and sex.  That is only one part of what makes a man drawn to you and you to him.

Your ex husband is not likely to miss you constantly if he has angry and resentful thoughts toward you like, “I can’t stand to be around that bitch” or “I am tired her nagging and complaints” or “I hate and despise her for being with another man”.

It is not unnatural for an ex to get locked into a stream of negativity.  It can feed on itself as one angry and mean-spirited thought emerges and leads to another awful thought about you.

After a while, his mood and mindset toward you can be adversely influenced by the negative feedback loop consisting of a lot of unhappy thoughts.

As these thoughts build and repeat, your ex husband can form a wall of negativity

Your job, if you want him back in your life, is to tear down his wall of negative memories and thoughts about you.

You need to help your ex husband build a new wall of memories.  It is about doing a lot of little things in the right way that leads to him reconstructing a new and different image of you.

It won’t happen in one or two happy moments.  It won’t happen in one night of wonderful erotic sex.

So you see, while it helps to use your sexuality to your advantage in changing your ex husband’s mindset about you, that won’t by itself change the relationship equation.

So what other things can you do to accelerate your husband’s desire to want to be around you?

What else can you do to make him miss you terribly and cause him to constantly find his thoughts returning to you?

Emotional Intimacy Can Help Make Your Husband Miss You

seeking emotional connection

There are many things you can do to leverage the emotional bond that exists between the two of you.

It’s not like it all went away with the separation or divorce.  Those years in which you and he were thrown together to deal with so many things in life did not just simply get erased in your minds and psyche.

What you need to think about is how to bring it back out.

With all of the pain and emotional struggle you and your ex husband suffered through, many of the positive emotional memories you both shared together have gone dormant.

But it is retrievable and that is how you can help rebuild the love connection such that more of his thoughts are about you.

So we talked about sexual intimacy. But creating an environment where you and your ex husband can share emotional intimacy is also very important.

There are many ways to accomplish this.  The two of you probably share several things in common.  If you have kids, that gives you an avenue to share together new experiences with the kids.  Make these experiences positive memories for your ex husband to cherish.

There is a psychological phenomenon which occurs such that if you have an enjoyable and meaningful experience, your brain will attach those good vibes to the people who are part of the experience.

It is all about creating a positive associative experience.  Over time, you push out the negative little bad thoughts and memories, replacing them with positive and inviting experiences.

Leaving Positive Emotional Bread Crumbs For Your Ex Husband

living your ex husband little clues

So make the time you have with your ex husband count for something.

Think of it as a deposit into his emotional trust bank.  It is like leaving nice little bread crumbs for your husband to pick up and remember you by.

The other day I heard from Bessie.

She reached out to me during the time her ex husband was starting to show some interest in both her and their children.

As it turned out, Bessie is an expert at creating positive, emotional and intimate memories.  She is quite skillful at coupling them with just the right touch of sexuality.

As she told me, her ex was not such a bad guy.  They had been married for about six years.  Neither had been married before, so in a sense it was for both of them a series of firsts.

Their first marriage.

Their first really big falling out.

Their first separation.

And hopefully their last divorce.

So she was determined to reverse the trend because she believed in her heart that the marriage was unfinished.

Like a lot of marriages, they came out of the gates really fast.  Everything about their relationship seemed to work like a charm in the first few years.

Then things slowly got rocky and each got stuck in some unhealthy relationship patterns.  Both had careers and so there were many occasions of long hours, lots of stress, and plenty of fights.

When the kids came along in their life it just got more stressful and for relief, both of them retreated into doing their own thing.

One thing led to another and another. Fights grew to be more frequent and longer.  Feelings were hurt and not repaired. Grudges were formed and took root.

By the way, if you want to know about the importance of spending alone time with your spouse, check out this post:

http://mymarriagehelper.com/how-to-save-your-troubled-marriage/

Then the “wasteland” period got underway, as she described it.  They both had affairs.

Given that she and her husband were both strong-minded and success oriented people, they held on to the marriage as long as they could.

Her husband had cheated first.

She learned about it through a mutual friend. He had cheated on her with a colleague at work.  She confronted him and he told her it was only a fling. A year later, she met a guy and a romance ensued.

As she described it, “we were a messed up couple and it was effecting our parenting too“. Eventually they agreed to separate.

Over this period of time, they had a couple of false starts in which it looked like the marriage would come back together.

They had young children (2 and 4 years old) which contributed to the couple trying to do the right thing.  It seemed to me they genuinely loved each other, but both were a bit bull-headed and when her ex husband found out that she had resumed her extramarital affair during the separation period, it only served to complicate matters.

While she ended that relationship, the weight of all their troubles had taken its toll.  Eventually it all ended in a divorce.

So that is how it came down for this couple.

But they seem to be both working at rebuilding the relationship.  At the very least, she tells me, they are determined to make it better for the kids.

Since some time has gone by, it seems they both have had a chance to reassess what they wish to do with their lives.  From Bessie’s perspective, her ex is worth pursuing. She thinks there might be an opportunity to repair some of the damage.

As it turns out, she naturally understand the value of building lots of positive moments with her former husband.

She tells me it is a “good love policy“.

Let me share an example of how she goes about creating positive emotional energy with her ex husband.

She writes:

Its working!  Let me tell you. So we were sitting by the pool watching our kids splash around.  Before, when we were married, we use to do a lot of pool side parties that would usually include BBQ and it would be so fun and relaxing. Knowing my ex was coming over, I decided to do some pre-planning and got an incredible brisket heating up in our BBQ grill. My ex husband loves brisket and when he saw the ice chest I filled with some beers, he really relaxed and began enjoying himself.  Underneath my shorts, I had on a new bikini.  So I peeled off my bottom and kept on my top.  I have always prided myself on having a nice figure and my ex use to compliment me a lot about my long legs.  So I thought I would give him a peek at what he has been missing out on.    We have not had sex since we separated and I am going to keep it that way until I believe there is a real chance for us.  I think taking it slow and easy will helped up in the long run.  I am trying to replace the negative vibes he may have bottled up with lots of positive vibes.  I think it’s working.  It taking some time, but its definitely working.  Some of our past still gets churned up, but like you told me, I keep trying to make deposits into my husband’s brain basket. I have more work to do because I want him to ask me out.  But we are both getting closer to reclaiming some of our lost selves.”

As you see, creating re-attraction in the mind of your ex husband can bear fruit. But it can’t be a one shot deal.  It is entirely possible that your former husband has a lot of baggage about you up there in his mind.

Your mission is to edit out as much of the negative thoughts and memories he may have for you and allow more positive memories to form and become the his “default” in how he sees you.

To do this, you need to have a discipline approach at creating a lot of small to large magical memory moments!

I think of them as “Kodak Moments”.

You are essentially experiencing a slice of life with your ex and making it a memorable time.  Then “mark” it by saying something that reinforces how special that moment truly was.  By doing so, it gets embedded in both of your minds.

Will it always work?

No, of course not.

But more often than not, it can act as a stimulus to creating those positive emotional connections you want hanging in the mind of your ex husband.

Your Ex Husband Will Long For You if  You Make Him Feel Good About Himself

compliment your guy

So, you have learned that when your ex is turned on and wants you sexually, he will have difficulty in avoiding the constant thoughts of needing to be with you.

Creating this kind of desire in your ex husband can generate passion and attraction.  His thoughts of being angry at you can be transformed into memorable moments of the wonderful ways in which you can please him and how he can please you.

So, let’s turn our attention to how you can leverage your husband’s need to feel good about himself.

Your ex husband’s sense of his worth is partly tied up in his perception that he can bring sexual satisfaction to your life.  But your guy is looking for an ego boost from other directions as well.

Passion alone is not going to help you achieve what you want which is a healthy, mutually beneficial bond you both can build own.

You have learned about the importance of building an emotional connection with your ex.  Leveraging those shared experiences you each can enjoy together can be the glue that pulls the two of you closer together.

But there is a third piece to the attraction model I am describing in this article.

It is about something almost every guy has in common.

You see, men want to think of themselves as somebody that is important.

You want your ex husband to feel that “you” believe he is really outstanding at doing certain things.  It is embedded deep inside most men to impress and please the woman they love.

If you play a role in helping your ex construct this mental imagery of himself, being really good at certain things, whether it be in bed or in sports or cooking, you have done a lot to make your husband unconsciously want to be around you.

His thoughts, both conscious and unconscious will be, “I like being with my wife. I miss those feelings she gives about myself.  I miss her soothing words reminding me that I can accomplish just about anything I set out to do“.

Among the most effective ways to influence your man is to capitalize on his powerful desire to be around someone who understands him and admires him.

This makes the guy feel special and valued.

There is ego in us all.  But most guys have ingrained in them this desire to be a sort of hero or prince to their woman.

They want their wife to look up to them and see them as something they wish for themselves.  Your husband secretly desires those loving glances of admiration.

We all do in a way.

But men are conditioned to a larger degree to want to achieve that kind of status in their mind.  And if you do and say things that makes your ex husband feel “complimented” or like he has achieved something truly worthy, even great, then you have made an important deposit into your man’s “ego bank“.

It is like the force of gravity in a way.

He becomes drawn to you as you serve as an attractive force that makes him feel important, even powerful.

 

My Husband Moved Out and Has a New Girlfriend

Before you panic and start thinking that all the world has gone to pot, let me remind you that if indeed your husband has moved out of your home and landed somewhere else, sporting a new girlfriend, the worst of your problems may already be over.

Think of it this way.  If your husband, who you are still married to, has so little respect, regard, and consideration for you and the marriage commitment you both vowed to uphold, then just possibly you should be humming with delight.

my husband has moved on with new girl

Now I know it is unlikely you feel this way.

Most likely, you are filled with rage at your husband’s deciding to run off with this new girlfriend.  And depending on all the facts and circumstances of your situation, the guy your are married may be very deserving of your contempt.

I mean really, what kind of guy makes a commitment to love, cherish, and support you, then decides for whatever reason that he is going to pursue another woman and pour his desires into this newfound girlfriend.

Mind you, I didn’t say love.  Desire should not be confused with love or mature emotional attachment.

What Is Going On With Your Husband?

why is my husband unfaithful

More often than not, these kinds of situations where the husband (maybe soon to be your ex) hooks up with a new girlfriend is really falling into the all too typical rebound trap.

So let’s say you are unsure how you really feel about your husband now.  He has profoundly disappointed you by quitting or at least temporarily putting a halt to the marriage.

This is not how it is supposed to work.  Marriage is not just something you cast out the window when it becomes too entangled with problems.  A worthy husband simply does not move out of the house at a whim and go cruising around with his girlfriend.

So what is with this behavior of you supposed partner in marriage?

Maybe he is behaving like an immature, teenage boy out of spite or insecurity. Maybe your guy is under a spell of his own making that he has found the one girl the will satisfy is every wish.  Perhaps he thinks he is “in love”.

If it is any of those reasons (or others), you should give careful consideration of breaking off all further contact and communication with him.

I write about this extensively in this post about how to save your marriage if you husband is caught up in an affair.

How To Save Your Marriage During An Affair

Now let’s say that you are still madly in love with this man who has betrayed you. Or let’s say you just threw him out of the house for whatever may have transpired in the past and he eventually found himself a girlfriend.  Maybe they even moved in together.

In my view, however things unfolded to lead to this event of your husband taking up with a new girlfriend (or an old flame), you will benefit immensely by creating some space.

shut down communications with husband

The No Contact Rule allows you to accomplish multiple things while chaos is unfolding in the aftermath of your husband’s betrayal.

And as you probably have already discovered, given you husband’s shenanigans, life is looking pretty upside down these days.  Your heart is probably bleeding its own tears.  You may feel desperately frustrated by your husband’s action to move out and latch on to this new woman.

None of these feelings are going to be easy to navigate if you are still actively trying to contact or communicate with your husband.

I realize, that sometimes completely shutting down communications and person to person interactions can be very difficult given certain situations.  Like for example, if you have children, you will need to modify the No Contact Rule.

Maybe there are some pressing financial matters that need to be discussed.  If these kind of things are at play, then minimize contact and keep everything business like.  Avoid any emotional discussions about the past or future as such dialogue will likely lead to friction and regret.

Does Your Husband Even Deserve You?

does your husband deserve the wonderful you

If you ask me, if your husband has taken up with his new “honey”, then maybe he is not deserving of you.  Maybe your guy is just a real selfish jerk.  Perhaps he has cruelly decided to flaunt his philandering ways just to get some cheap shots at you.

Unfortunately, there are some personality types out there that get some perverse joy from making another’s person’s life difficult.  Let’s hope your husband does not exhibit that kind of ugly, revenge seeking behavior.

Now, I know every breakup type of situation involving a husband and wife has its own unique history and circumstances. So perhaps the two of you decided to embark on a trial separation.

I have seen cases where couples, against their better judgement, decided to explore an “open” marriage that allows them to enter into new romances and relationships with the opposite sex.

Maybe I am just a prude, but I sure hope that is not what is happening in your case.

Much more often than not, these notions of exploring an open marriage both sexually or spiritually (or however one may describe it) is fraught with a host of future problems and misunderstandings.

Sometime we can think to ourselves that certain things might just work out if we just venture out there and try it out.

So maybe my words of condemnation for your husband’s actions are a bit too strong.  Maybe the two of you are separated and agreed to date others.  And now that you have discovered he has found a new girlfriend, you are feeling confused. Your heart is melting.  You are thinking to yourself, “I never though he would actually do it?

You see, guys can be stupid like that.  This includes husbands.  You can put out a trial balloon expecting that he would never bite (just to test him) and before you realize it, he is off and running.

Then again, if that is how your husband or boyfriend behaves when given a chance to sow his oats, you have learned something very important about your man’s character.

So just maybe in this scenario, your man is not “technically” cheating on you or violating what the two of your agreed to do when you first parted or separated.

Maybe you didn’t even call it a separation.  Perhaps you and your husband agreed to give each other some room and just cool it for a while and try to work out the problems later.

If that is the case and in this environment your husband decides to pack it up and move in with another woman or start some kind of semi serious relationship with this other girl, then I can only emphasis that the time for implementing No Contact cannot begin soon enough.

Do Husbands Often Move Out to Be With a New Girlfriend?

a husband leaving for new girlfriend

Not really.  It is an aberration.  Something is wrong either with the relationship or with your husband’s way of dealing with commitment and attachment.

In my years in advising women in the relationship niche, I have seen all types of couple situations and just about every kind of  bizarre and unexpected relationship outcomes.   I have seen women heart-broken and husband and boyfriends say and do some of the most terrible things.

Ok, so let’s just take a look at what may be happening here.

On the face of it, despite what your husband may have told you or wants you to think, he is with this other girl.  It does not mean that they are going to be enshrined in history at the greatest of all couples.  Nor does it necessarily mean he loves you less or cares little about your needs.

Don’t forget, there is a whole history that existed between you and your husband long before this girlfriend came into the picture.

That bond or connection of memories and experiences and routines and habits just don’t simply go wasting away all of sudden.  And if that relationship history between you and your husband has been pretty good, then this bodes well for you if you come to feel that you might want him back.

What we think we want and what we end up actually wanting is not necessarily the same things.

Your Husband Can Conjure Up and Act Upon Some Really Stupid Notions

your guy can run away

Some guys are just impulsive, particularly if their sexual appetite is in the mix.

Remember, what your husband is intending to accomplish could be an act of stupidity or foolishness.

What it all means is not necessarily going to be clear to you (or even your husband and his girlfriend).  Sometimes people have to try things out to draw closer to what they think they really want.

Sometimes the very act of foolishness plays out on its own.  I have seen plenty of cases where husbands or boyfriends come crawling back.

How Should You Think About All of This?

how should you think about him moving out

When you begin your No Contact period, you shouldn’t be thinking about all these things.  You shouldn’t be trying to parse through what you think you really want or what you think your husband is doing with this girlfriend of his.

In the aftermath of your man running off with another woman, don’t be surprised if you feel like you are “losing it”.

Trust me.  Everyone feels like they are drawing in on some form of lover’s insanity.  It may even feel like you have awakened, only to discover that you have entered some strange, bizarre universe.

It is far too early to try to reason through things and make firm decisions about your relationship past or relationships future.

The way I would characterize it is that you are in a “recovery stage” of taking care of your needs.

Your healing should be priority one.  It will be nearly impossible to process life if you are still interacting with your renegade husband.

Just how do you accomplish this?

I wrote a post about the advantages of how No Contact can benefit you on the personal side.  Take a look:

Can You Save Your Marriage With The No Contact Rule?

Sure, if this craziness from your husband just happened, you may not want to rush right into a No Contact period were you are deliberately shutting him out of your life, choosing not to communicate with him in any way.

You may need some days to get your bearings.  It is possible that you are reacting to a false claim.  If there is any doubt about your husband’s assertion that he has a girlfriend,  it should be revealed soon.  While it is not common, I have seen some guys level wild taunts and claims just to create some chaos.

So the first order of business is not to fall into any false traps your husband may have set.  He may be trying to jerk you around.  I have even seen guys use tactics such as getting a friend to “drop” a false rumor that is meant to arouse your jealousy.

Admittedly, this happens less with married couples, than some of the younger crowd out there.  Though the idea that “anything goes” isn’t always far off the mark when it involves the heightened passions of love and anger.

But married couples are supposed to be mature, right?

Now, on the other hand, if your man is really wanting to part ways and has decided that come hell or high water, he is going to do what he wants and live the way he wants; then don’t be shocked.

Some men need to work things out.  No matter how absurd and irrational it may appear to outsiders.

Don’t Chase After Wild Hope

chasing after love in all the wrong places

No matter how tempting it might be, don’t think that you can talk your husband right back into the marriage.

It won’t be talk or dialogue that will make an impression on him.  Rather, it will be the lessons learned when he realizes that he may have fallen for the “grass is greener” syndrome.

I am not saying that the two of you can’t eventually recover from this setback.  I am just saying that any interference with what he imagines is going to be best form him will likely blow up in your face.

You are better off if you kill him with kindness. He won’t be expecting that.  Rather, he probably has his head filled with scenarios of you freaking out and confronting him and his girlfriend.  Don’t play to his fantasies. By keeping him off-balance tends to shift the personal power back in your direction.

Give him space by giving yourself the freedom to heal and grow. With your husband out of your life for the time being, you can begin to undergo a more positive transformation.   Right now, too much is swirling around in your life (and probably his life too, though he won’t admit or show it) to try to make sense of it.

Get Connected With Your Own Life

forget your husband and connect with yourself

Just getting in touch with your own emotions is strategy one.

Dedicating yourself to becoming the best version of you (without him in your life) is vitally important. Build on making the relationships that are working in your life better.

Focus on making your emotional and physical health stronger a daily activity.  If it is practical at this time, seek to gain greater independence by increasing your wealth prospects.

I have had clients use this new time to launch new businesses and careers. Wealth is more than just making more money.  It can be about exploring things you always wanted to do, but never did.  Maybe your husband was a barrier. Maybe you just were not motivated or focused.  Wealth can be the attainment of a spiritual connection with nature or religion.

An ideal future outcome would be your husband coming to learn about some of these great things you are doing in your life.  Imagine the jealousy and envy creeping in when he notices you are getting along just fine and have made some notable improvements or changes in your life.

Perhaps you lost some weight or became even more fit.  Perhaps you have thrown yourself into a few new activities.  Maybe he hears about you moving in certain social circles or learns that you have been traveling (without him) and experiencing new and exciting things.

So let’s summarize what we have learned.

What might be some way you can handle a difficult situation such as your husband taking up with some new girlfriend?

Let me list out some things you could do.  Do you think you have a good handle on the things you should embrace?  And what about the behaviors you should avoid that pertain to your husband’s outrageous behavior?

The Good, Bad and Ugly List of How to Deal With That Dirty Rotten Scoundrel of a Husband!

your spoiled rotten husband

In this summary of possible actions you could take, just mentally cross out those things you think could be the wrong kind of medicine for your heartache.  Look for the good ideas and build your path forward.

  1. Lay down the line. Tell your lying and cheating, good for nothing husband that he is never welcomed back in your life. Make sure he knows that the curtains are closed on any chance he has with you.
  2.  Accept that while your emotional pain to the news of your husband’s decision to pursue a new romance is acute, you have gained a valuable insight about your husband and how you choose to deal with the situation over the new few weeks will profoundly influence your emotional health.
  3. Do everything within your power to break up your husband’s  little romance.  The woman he has taken up with is probably a tramp and she should have known that getting mixed up with a married man was not going to turn out well for either of them.
  4. Deep in your heart, you know your bozo of a husband is acting out on his fantasies.  He will be back and when he come crawling back asking for forgiveness, make sure he suffers just enough to ensure he never thinks of doing this kind of thing again.
  5. Take the high road. After a few days upon learning about your husband’s indiscretion, reach out to him by letter, text, or email and respectfully let him know that given all that has happened you will need take a good amount of time for yourself.  Briefly explain that you only ask that he respects your privacy and not try to see you or communicate with you.  Keep this communication short and to the point, without  a hint of recrimination or judgement.
  6. Arrange to have a special gift package sent to your husband containing the very thing he has always wanted.  Just perhaps you can win him back by showing that you still care about him and he is top of mind.
  7. Accept that this kind of marriage outcome is simply a bad blip on the relationship radar.  Your husband’s behavior is most likely reflecting dysfunction in your marriage.  If  your husband’s affair ends badly or comes to a quick end and he decides to test the waters with you again, just know that the two of you eventually will need to address the core problem.  This may require special marital coaching or relationship counseling with a 3rd party to work through the key issues.
  8. If he treats you like a brute, then reciprocate. Enlist the help from a friend to spread false rumors about your husband at his workplace.  If he ruined your life, then by golly he has it coming to him.
  9. Target your husband’s mistress.  She is probably the one that has brought your marriage to the brink of disaster.  Let the world know all about her sneaky and underhanded behavior with a married man.
  10. Accept that thoughts of hatred and revenge come from the dark voice that speaks to us when we are most vulnerable.  Shut out those thoughts as they only lead to more darkness and eventually bring ruin to your life and others you really care about.

So that you have it.

My top ten list of good and bad ideas of what to do if you discover your husband is bedding down with another woman.  Whoever she is, just know that ultimately she may be victimized as well.

Hence, if you embraced any numbers above other than 2, 5, 7, and 10, then you are not behaving in a manner that will serve your best interests.

Should I Regret Leaving My Ex Husband – Advice for a Single Mom

We all have regrets, right?  Even single moms who leave their ex husbands for all the right reasons can find themselves second guessing everything that transpired.

Some of my women clients are brave single moms who have experienced troubled times in their life.  They tell me about their past regrets which include ex husbands that they probably never should have married.

a single mom with regret on leaving her ex

Some of these women explained to me that their ex husbands sometimes behaved in despicable ways.  But what often hurt the most was they did not feel loved or appreciated.

They shared with me their worries, anxieties and fears. Most are simply looking for some kindness.  A light that they can move toward.

I have a special place in my heart for single moms who have experienced rough and choppy relationships.

Either they got mixed up with the wrong guy and he decided to go AWOL or in the case of one of my clients (Alice), the marriage began to crumble and after some time she was content to leave him and become a single mom.

Alice is brave and her situation is somewhat unique.  And while she later found herself plagued with regrets over leaving her ex husband, it was not because she chose wrong or handled the separation poorly, but rather it is simply a very sad and hard experience to go through.

And if you are a single mom and are separated or divorced from your ex husband, then I want you to think of the regrets that may wash over you in a different way.

embracing your single mom status

I want you to understand the influence your emotions can potentially have on your mood and how your feelings can take you places you least expect.  Thinking too much about the past usually leaves you vulnerable to that dark negative voice in you mind that will try to tear you down.

And more importantly, as we will cover in more detail, what is important for all single moms (or any woman who have left their husband) to understand is that it’s not regret over the past that will define you and your life.

Rather, it is the amount of effort you put into learning from both the good and poor decisions you may have been a part of and leveraging that knowledge to build a better future for yourself and your child.

How Does Regret About Your Ex Tear Away at Your Soul

feeling stressed after leaving ex husband

Regrets can fill up our soul when we start looking back and questioning things like whether we should have even gotten involved with someone to begin with.

You can feel regret splashing all over you when you wake up in the morning realizing that you made a terrible mistake sleeping with your ex husband.

You can feel regret overwhelming you when you visualize in your mind all of the fights you had with your ex husband.

And regret can easily slip into your thoughts  when you begin to wonder why you didn’t leave your husband sooner.

This is the way of our minds.  They take us on journeys that often only cause doubts and remorse to occupy too much of our mood.

It can be particularly challenging when a child is in the picture.

Such was the case for Alice,  a single Mom I once advised, that found it necessary to initiate the break up of her marriage.  Since her husband was a bit of a control freak, the aftermath turned a bit ugly, but given his previous pattern of behavior, she was ready for his poor behavior and with a strong family support group, she landed on her feet.

A Single Mom’s  Story of Leaving Her Ex Husband

story of a mom abandoned by husband

Alice told me:

Had I known my ex husband was going to turn out to be so controlling,  cruel and hateful, I would never had married him.  This is what became of our marriage.  I could barely tolerate him being selfish and often ignoring me and my needs.  But when it came to our views around raising our child and showing interest and love in her development, we were incredibly far apart.  That became a marriage breaker in my mind.  It wasn’t like I didn’t try. As the marriage unfolded and our need take care of our child became the most pressing priority, I just couldn’t get him to step up.  We would talk and plans would be made, but nothing really changed.   Just the idea of parceling out responsibilities seemed foreign to him.  His view is I should be the complete mother and he shouldn’t have to get very involved.  He is heavy into sports, watching it on television all the time.  I felt like his beer buddies got more of his attention. When we were dating the guy sure knew how to turn on the charm.  Yes, he was a rascal, even in those early days, but I thought it was just him showing off. Maybe I turned a blind eye to it all.  We were in love, at least I thought we were. Now I  am glad it is over, at least most days. I left him and I know my ex husband hates and despises me for it.  But I felt if I didn’t finally take some action I would be forever trapped.  Three years of marriage doesn’t sound like much time with someone. I do feel guilty sometimes that we didn’t get some professional help.  But I just could not bring myself to spend another day with him.  My husband calls me a monster.  Truth be told, he was the bad guy in the marriage and now he is showing his true colors. But this is what I don’t get.  There are those nights were I have regrets about leaving him.  I didn’t tell him I was leaving him until I had moved out. I can’t really explain why I walked out on him in a sentence or two. It would take forever.  Sometimes at night I wake up with this sense of desperation. It’s like I have made a terrible mistake and I will never be able to live down.  It’s like waves of regret coming over me. I start questioning myself about why I left my husband.  I get this gut wrenching doubt and regret over leaving my ex.  I know if I wait a few minutes, the feeling of panic will subside.  I know in my heart I did the right thing by cutting the cord with my husband.  He was draining me and when he paid any attention to me, I felt smothered.  I did not want to raise my girl in this environment. I know it sounds crazy, but I am proud to be a single mom. But I do sometimes struggle with the past and how it all came crashing down.  I think about whether I could have done things differently.  So Chris, do you have any good words for me that can help me understand how I should process these feelings.

Putting Your Marriage Past in Perspective

putting your broken marriage in perspective 

If feel for Alice because the aftermath following a marriage break up can be tough.  Tougher still is trying to navigate the rough waters of life as a single mom and making decisions that benefit your child’s needs.

It’s perfectly normal to feel a wave of regret wash over you after your marriage has come under fire or worse, has completely broken down.  And if you are a single mom and you chose to leave your husband (or boyfriend) or he broke it off with you, just remember that you being apart from your ex most likely occurred for very good reasons.

And if regret creeps into your mind, just learn to say “hello” to this feeling and know that it is only a shadow of the truth.  Don’t run from it, embrace it for a while.  It is a real feeling and you should not push it down.  But here is the important piece.  After accepting it and understanding that it comes from a sad place, learn to let it go.  It serves you no purpose to dwell on it and roll it over in your mind over and over again.  In fact, allowing regret about leaving your ex husband to dominate your thinking will only serve to damage you.

It is OK to feel sorry for ourselves when we are alone with ourselves.  Sure, you don’t want to wallow in it.  But it is not healthy to keep it caged in.  Regretting what happened in the past helps you deal better with the past.  But the moment you find yourself trying to should blame for things that went wrong in the marriage, stop yourself and be reminded of the things that you did that were good.

Look at how brave you are in embracing the responsibility to raise your child in an environment you think is best.  That certainly was top of mind when Alice decided to leave her husband.  She, like anyone else, naturally regrets the circumstances that led to her decision to end the marriage.  And likewise, she, along with many women all over, expressed regret for not more carefully choosing her husband.

But as we will discuss, there are some challenges, sometimes triggered by our own emotions and lack of experience, that makes choosing wisely not such an easy endeavor to accomplish.

Don’t Fall For the Slippery Slopes of Regret

don't regret your past failures

It is not unusual to start questioning all of the things you and your husband each said and did.  I think of it as the “picture show” of our minds.

You see, we are really all much more fragile than we realize.  This applies to both our physical being and our emotional and spiritual side.   It can be a painful bridge to cross to move from seeing your husband as the “love of your life”  to a guy who no longer fits into your life.

Marriage should not be something that comes to an end easily.

All good marriages, even those we think of as fantastic marital bonds, will struggle.  The best of couples will lose their footing.  It is what they do with that situation that often sets them apart.  It is what they can learn in their journey as a couple that can potentially help strengthen their bond of marriage.

When I got around to finally talking to Alice, she explained that she and her husband had been struggling for a couple of years.  She saw herself as the “fixer” and poured her heart into trying to make it work.  She bought books, attended seminars, and tried to get her husband to come with her to see a marriage counselor.

Everyone goes through a honeymoon phase and she explained that her guy was eager to please her.  But as time went by, she felt him withdrawing. She had been warned by some of her friends about his track record of avoiding commitment.

But early on, she was madly in love and just paid little mind to these criticisms. After the first year of marriage, she began to better understand that her husband’s temperament.  She gained greater insight into her husband’s views on intimacy. She found that his belief system around working together as a couple were incompatible with her own.

The Past Can Be our Relationship Teacher

learning from your past marriage

Looking back, it is much easier to see the different paths we could have taken

I guess it would be fair to say that her regrets extended beyond just questioning whether she should had left her husband, but went all the way back to the beginning of her relationship.

And it is a good thing for us to talk about this right now.  The beginnings of a relationship is a very important juncture. Chose poorly, and your dream relationship may end prematurely.  By the way, a breakup is not necessarily a bad thing, particularly if it unfolds early in your life.

If you have had some relationship experiences that went sour, instead of thinking that you are at fault or you have terrible luck with hitching up with the right man, treat it like going to school.

You see, there really is no place for any of us to go to get educated on the ways of love and romance.  There is no college or school that teach Marriage 101 or Learning to Live With the Man of Your Dreams.  We just don’t have that.

Rather, what we are left with is the School of Little Knocks and Life Lessons.  For some the knocks are harder.

So mistakes will happen and you may not choose your “soul mate” (or who you thought would be your soul mate) very well.

Sometimes, you are not really doing the choosing.

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where your man (possibly husband to be) just swept you off your feet? It may have happened so fast that you were not processing everything with the “logical” side of your brain.

It is true that when we fall in love and the chemicals of our brain get all churned up, we mostly think from the right side of our brain.  That is your emotional control center and it can be a wonderful place to operate from.  But sometimes it can lead you down the wrong path. Just like when you get swept up by the wrong man.  You can be carried away with infatuation or misplaced love and the sheer excitement of the entire experience.

So should you regret all of these wrong paths and breakups that may have unfolded in your life, back in the past?

No.  I say not.

Especially when you “go to school” on these love and life lessons of the past.  You see, the guy you were with (your boyfriend or even possibly your husband) may not be the right man for you.

You should not live in the shadow of relationship regret just because it did not turn out well.

Now, on the other hand, if your relationship history with the opposite sex is defined by a pattern of breakups and poor choices, then it would suggest you are not learning from your experiences.

Is There Hope For A Single Mom in Finding the Mr. Right?

can a single mom find mr. right

None of us will ever be able to find the perfect partner.  You can search far and wide and never find a husband or boyfriend that is perfectly compatible with all the things you think are important.

And by the way, let’s take a moment and talk about another way that you can minimize any regret you might have in the future when you get involved with another guy.

Research into those couples that have successful marriages reveal they almost always possess two key attributes.  So if you are a single mom or anyone for that matter, and are looking for a “do over” in the love and marriage department, you would be wise to apply this relationship success formula.

It basically consists of two things that are highly correlated to marriage success.  I talk with single moms frequently and many of them are burdened by their responsibilities as mom and caretaker, breadwinner, and all the other demands on their life.  Looking to meet a guy is not often top of mind.

Sure, like anyone else, a single mom is searching for solutions about life and love and a great many things.  But being stung by a breakup or divorce is tough on the psyche and the forces bearing down on them can feel overwhelming at times. This is generally the case in the early months following a breakup.

It is not unusual for a woman who is taking care of her own child with little or no help from the father to feel beaten down.  A certain cynicism can take a hold of one’s dreams and aspirations.  Sometimes a single mom who is still smarting from her last relationship doesn’t even know where to start.

So I try to keep my advice pragmatic and easy to understand.  There are two key thoughts I want my clients to understand.

It it basically this:

Find a man who has some experience and maturity in dealing both with life and in relationships.  Look to see if this guy who you hope will be the right catch has the same or similar value system.  And find a guy who is kind.

What do I mean by that?

Studies show that couples who possess the most solid marriages also express and exchange appreciation for each other.  It is referred to in the literature as the “Kindness Study” and it followed many couples over many, many years and evaluated what kept them happily married.

The biggest finding was that the most successful couples reach out to each other with kindness.  The people studying these  couples found that those who exhibited kind acts at a ratio of 5:1 (e.g. five kind acts or words of appreciation to one act that would qualify as unkind) had  a much greater chance of a successful marriage.

On top of that, another predictor of a successful relationships is that both parties share the same or similar core values.

Each of us have a value system.  The single mom that I quoted above has her set of values and principles that are important to her.  For example, she may have a certain faith and religious belief system.  She may have a strong belief in eating healthy and allowing a certain amount of her time to fitness activities.  The single mom may feel strongly about a certain way of rearing her children.  She may feel it is important to travel and explore and discover new things so that she can allow her to spiritually grow.  It may be important to her to give of herself to help others who are less fortunate.

So you get the picture, right.

We are all very unique with our own set of personality traits and quirks and so on and so forth.  You will never really find anyone that is a “perfect” match for you….that is perfectly compatible with you in every respect.

But you can come close and it helps a lot to find those individuals that have similar core values which are those things that are critically important to you in how you experience the world around you, what you believe and how you treat people in general.

Put Away Your Regret and Turn to the Future

turn the corner in finding your guy

All these things we have talked about can clearly be of help to you in bettering your situation.  And if you noticed, many of the things we talk about are forward-looking.

Regret is about looking backward.  It is largely an emotion that stems from sadness, worry, and even depression.

A preoccupation with regret or second guessing is not a recipe for a better life. If you allow it, you mind will pick apart many of your past decisions and past outcomes and find fault.

So for all the single moms whose life may be filled with regret about what may have gone wrong with their ex husband or ex boyfriend, please turn away from the dark.

You can learn from the past, but dwelling on what could have been is an exercise in futility.  It is a waste of your mental energy.  The past is behind you now and what is best is to embrace the present and plan for fulfilling future opportunities.

Why Do I Still Miss My Ex Husband – He Cheated on Me!

Let’s take an imaginary journey of a marriage gone sour.  Pretend it is yours or a friend you know for the sake of this discussion.

In the beginning of your marriage, you spent your time forming this very special bond and attachment with your Ex husband.  He was your everything.  You found yourself missing him terribly when he was gone for more than a day.

happy marriage facing shock

You could not wait to get those reassuring hugs and kisses throughout the day.  You loved just being beside him and how everything felt so “right”.

Now suddenly things have changed.  Sure, it could be said that it was not a complete surprise.  You were noticing little behavioral changes in your husband.

But now a bomb has just exploded in your life and it has been rough going on the marital front for a good spell.

The last few months of your marriage has been a transformation experience.  You discovered that he had resumed a romance with an ex girlfriend.  Only time will tell whether this huge event will ultimately break the marriage.

You are still processing just how you feel about your husband’s betrayal.  All you can think of is “he cheated on me“.

You are filled with fleeting thoughts like, “am I not enough for him“….”is this other women prettier or better in bed“…..”could I have done something wrong“.

But to be fair, those are probably not the only rush of thoughts that fly through your mind.  You may also be thinking, “what a disgusting and dishonorable thing to do to me“……”

marriage going bad

Everything in your life feels like it has exploded.

After discovering his infidelity, you had insisted he leave the home the two of you had grown to think of as your getaway.

Now everything around you feels like a lie. And to think you once actually believed he and you were forming the perfect love nest.   The very notion that your husband would no longer be part of your life seemed like a cruel joke.

But you still can’t stop your self from reflecting back on those early, exciting, even exhilarating days. Indeed, in the beginning it was unfathomable to consider a life without your husband.

In those early days you did everything together.  

Love colored every single day.

As one of my clients (Peggy) described, the early days of their marriage was the happiest of her life.

We played together all the time. We made promises to always tell the truth.  My husband was attentive and caring and whenever we got into a disagreement, it was always my husband that came to me to say he was sorry.  And more often than not, we would usually end the day in each others arms.  The make up sex was good. Sometimes just fighting with my husband didn’t seem all that wrong.  Yet here I am feeling like I am living in some kind of alternative universe.  My husband can’t seem to go a month without chasing after another woman.  He says it is just for the sex….like that is supposed to make me feel better. I told him I am through with him and his cheating ways.  But honestly, I can’t get him out of my mind.  Why do I still miss him so?  How is it that in one moment I want to rip him apart, then in almost an instant I start missing him in the most terrible way.  I hate feeling like I am a prisoner to my emotions. I feel like I am losing it.

I get it.  I really do.

But the problem is that clients, like Peggy, when they are at the mercy of the breakup blues and undergoing a relationship shakeup, can be very vulnerable to a whole set of conflicting feelings and thoughts.

And if you are in a similar situation, you need to be careful not to do anything rash or impulsive.  Otherwise, you will have a lot of angry and emotional “inside voices” telling you to consider all kinds of possibilities, some of which may lead you to poor relationship decisions.

missing husband despite losing him

Now don’t get me wrong.  I am not suggesting that your breakup with your ex husband will cause you to become possessed and start hearing strange voices.

I am just saying that when you enter into what I call the “breakup zone” which is that period (usually 1-3 months) immediately following end of the relationship, you will likely be in an emotional and vulnerable state.

Not always.  But there will be days where you may feel like you are becoming unglued.

And when you think about it, it can be a pretty wild ride.  One day all is well, love is in the air.

Then you suddenly learn about your husband’s affair (such as Peggy did) and you are filled with a confusing web of feelings.  Anger leads to rage which leads to frustration and confusion and back to rage, eventually settling in with some depression.

It is like a cyclone of emotions that spin you in all directions.  And when you can’t stand to even think of your ex husband and all of his lies and deceit, you later find yourself in the midst of a personal crisis wondering, “why do I still miss my ex husband”.

I think of it as breakup or marriage whiplash.  That is how quickly events can move and shift, causing the very foundation of your marriage to erode and come under fire.

why do I miss my ex so much

It can be confusing when these feelings of “longing to be with him” seem to slip into your stream of thoughts.

I mean after all he put you through (assuming you have a similar story as Peggy), why are you flooded with these feelings of wanting to see the very guy that just made your life “hell” and possibly “ruined” any chance of rebuilding trust.

Of course, it doesn’t happen exactly this way for everyone.  We all have our own unique situations and circumstances, so our love stories and dramas can play out differently.  The feelings you may experience will invariable unfold in their own unique way.

Three Things That Can Cause You to Miss Your Ex

finding peace after marriage struggle

The way I see it, there are three components that can explain why you may be missing your ex husband or boyfriend in the most terrible way. These involve emotional, biological, and psychological factors.

So let’s break this down so we all understand.

First up, emotions.

When you have invested so many years in a marriage, you end up having hundreds upon thousands of small to large moments and experiences with your husband.

When he become your ex, those moments are not simply washed away in your conscious memory and subconscious mind.  They live on and irrespective of what you ex husband has done to mess up the relationship with either his casual philandering  or an outright adulterous, serious affair, these moments and memories are attached to you in ways you may never fully understand.

By the way, the same pull or tug from these emotions live inside your ex husband’s mind as well.

It seems our memories have their own way of surfacing when we can least expect.

Indeed, they have a way of bubbling up at the worst of times, particularly the heartwarming and fulfilling experiences you had in the past.  So it is not unusual to feel the pull of these emotions.  They can tug at your heart and desires when you are most vulnerable.

Just knowing this will empower you to manage your feelings in a better more constructive manner.

Certain feelings of missing your husband can come over you like waves.  It is entirely possible to be in one frame of mind where you want nothing to do with your ex.  Maybe you may swell up with anger and resentment at how your ex husband treated you.

Then in a matter of minutes, the pull and tug of memories past can cause you to feel nostalgic.  You may have fleeting thoughts of meeting with him just so that you can relive that happy moments of the past.

It is one thing to separate or divorce your ex husband, but it is an entirely different challenge to be rid of all of the past memories and familiar routines.

You May Hunger With Desire for Your Ex Husband

hungry with desire for my husband

There is a biological connection that governs your experience with your ex husband.  It is more than the familiarity of his touch or the synchronicity of your heartbeats when you are in each other’s presence.

Yes, that does really happen.

Studies have been performed which reveal that couples often share many things in common, including the rhythm of their heart rates and the rate of breathing.

After a married couple spends a good amount of time together, they begin to lock in at a biological level.

This phenomenon was revealed in a pair of studies published in a journal called “Emotion“.  Researchers from the University of California and the University of Arizona demonstrated that even when lovers were many feet apart, their heart and breathing rates chimed in unison.

Interestingly, it was the women in the study that made the most profound changes in their heart rates and breathing to regulate as needed to adjust to their husband.

Feel free to check out the details below.

http://www.naturalnews.com/039102_lovers_synchronicity_heart_rates.html#ixzz4UlSBi2PS

But the biological connection I really want to talk about is the persistence and influence of your neurotransmitters.  I am talking about the chemistry of mood and emotional elevators such as dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin.

They come into being when you are around your lover.  Take the husband or lover out of the equation, then stress hormones can build.  To compound matters you can find yourself in a deficit of dopamine and other feel good chemicals the brain produced when you were in each other’s company.

It’s like you are addicted and need your fix, but your lover is nowhere to be found. Naturally, that longing to be with your ex husband will arise as you seek to quench your body’s need for those feel good neurotransmitters.

Don’t you just hate relationship biology sometimes!

Your Attachment Style May Contribute to Your Desire To Be With Your Husband

I hate my husband but I need sex from him

A third component that plays on you at more of a psychological level is your attachment style.

We all have an attachment style when it comes relationships.

Some individuals are very well-adjusted and can adapt quite well, rebounding from their broken heart.  Other individuals will have an attachment style that is driven by their underlying anxieties.  They are not prepared to separate from their husband or boyfriend and fear and worry a bit too much about what will become of them.

Even after the husband has done something horrible, such as cheating on them, the individual can eventually find themselves wrestling with their internal drives which push them to want to cling to a relationship that they otherwise might really need to let go.

Now bear in mind, I have over simplified this discussion for the sake of brevity.

Understanding how we deal with broken marriages, affairs, and other serious problems that might befall a relationship is far more complex.

When you throw in the element such as an unhealthy “attachment style” or other types of  physiological factors, the whole discussion can get rather lengthy and confusing.

It suffices to say that men and women often find themselves (at some point) missing their spouse in the most surprising and unexpected ways.

This whole topic of dealing with the wild emotions that can run rampant in a person’s mind is something I have dealt with in several posts.  Take a moment later to review this post if you are struggling within the breakup zone.

How To Get Over a Breakup With Someone You Love

How Do You Move Past Missing Your Ex Husband?

getting past your old feelings about your ex

The most important question is how do you get past these feelings and if you really want your husband back in your life.

If you do want your husband back, what can you do to maximize that possibility?

Let’s explore that.  You might be surprised at where it leads you.

After a marriage break up, for the sake of your personal recovery and also to optimize your chances to reunite with your ex husband, you will need to detach from your Ex.

For some, that is a scary proposition.

“I mean really”, you might be thinking, “what does that mean…detaching from my Ex”?

If you miss your ex husband and think you want them back, you are probably thinking, “how will removing him from my life, help me?”

Think of it this way.  You are carrying a burden.  It is hole deep inside you. Whether you realize or not, if you and your husband are separated you may actually be in just the right place.  Even if you think you want him back.

If you split up because your husband broke the mother of all vows and cheated on you, yet you are not ready to give him up, it just might help to do exactly that.

Give him up, so you can be in a better place to take him back assuming that is in the cards.

Sometimes, to move forward, you have to let go.  The burden has to be lifted and carried away.  And that is difficult to do if you are still chasing after a dysfunctional marriage.

Learn to Stand Alone to Fully Recover

moving past old life with husband  

You should operate under the assumption that you Ex husband won’t be there to help you.  You cannot count on him.  He has already disappointed you profoundly.

It’s time to look for new horizons.  Trust me, you will benefit immensely when you seek to renew your life and spirit.

He may very well do it again, particularly if adultery was involved in the breakup.

I am not saying these things to make you feel worse.  Nor do I necessarily think that your husband will “act poorly” are do things to further exasperate the situation.

But I believe in being pragmatic and also preparing oneself for worst case scenarios, should they unfold.

So sometimes it is best to fully detach from your Ex husband.

That does not mean that you will never be able to “re-attach”  to him in the future. It does not mean that you and your husband won’t (some day) be able to undergo healing and forgiveness and make the marriage work again.

It just means that for your own personal recovery to be fully realized, you have to proceed under the assumption that your Ex husband may not be part of your life.

I know that sounds hard and maybe even impersonal.  But you cannot move forward if you are banking on the notion that your husband of old will be part of your life in the future.

Maybe he will…maybe he won’t.

You will be made stronger if you operate under the premise that you life is moving forward and good things will happen.  Just adopt the mindset that your Ex husband may not be part of the equation.  That is the mindset you should embrace!

So “How do I detach?”, you might ask?

A Practical Strategy is to ATTACH to Other People.

meet and greet other people

There is this whole wide world out there with dozens and dozens of possible paths for you to explore.  

You can learn more about yourself and challenge yourself to do a great many new things.  You can meet and learn life lessons from other people.  So get engaged with life and interact with other people.  

Not so much “things”, but other people.  

We all need that people connection in our lives and it is easy to get lost inside yourself and start shutting out the world when we feel down and out.  I don’t wish for you to explore that path.  It usually leads to a dark place. 

Just to be clear, I am not necessarily talking about attaching to another love interest or going out and having a one night stand.

What I mean is you should attach to people you know that you already love and care about. And also new people.  Go to places and meet new people. Help people. Volunteer to do things with people or for people.

There is great therapy in getting engaged physically, spiritually and socially in life.

Spend more time with your friends and family.

Go out and travel.

Attach to nature.

What?….you don’t care for nature!

Well, hopefully that is not the case!  Because to get grounded, sometimes you need to get away from all of the concrete, sidewalks, buildings, and all the other man-made objects.

Go out and feel the wind in your face.  Take a walk in a park.  Do it often.  These things help create positive emotions and can trigger the release of positive neurotransmitters.

What you want to do is to get back to attaching yourself to the right things in life.

Positive influences.

Put distance between yourself and the negative memories and routines that may have revolved around your ex husband or boyfriend.

Try attaching to your love of participating in sports and leisure activities.

Attaching to physical exercise is also a good idea as it fills up your time.  It also offers many physical and emotional benefits.

Your world is made up of much, much more than your Ex husband.

And if you free yourself up from the emotional clutches of your Ex, you will feel much more independent and confident.

Besides, detaching from your Ex is also a great way to enhance your personal attraction.

Your Absence Will Make Your Ex Husband Miss You

it's time for your husband to miss you

Time is on your side.

There is a principle in psychology called “reactance”.

Essentially, all of us have freedoms.  When you were married your husband had freedom to be with you and enjoy your company.

But take that away from your husband, his reaction is to eventually pursue that which was taken away.  It is a natural physiological response.  We want that which we are told we can’t have.

Remember, your ex is dealing with a plethora of conflicted feelings, emotions, and deficits of the feel good chemicals our brains produce.

Since you detached from your ex husband, he in time will start to miss you.  In effect, the tables are turned.  You may have spent a great deal of time missing your ex husband.

But in time, after you have re-established your independence and sought to become the best version of “you”, it is your husband that will eventually come to miss you and desire you.

Attraction usually builds during this time of your absence.

Eventually Explore Your Relationship Options

meet other men

As you experience some healing and learn to be happy with yourself, your confidence will grow.

There will come a time in which you may be ready to return to the dating scene.  

I am not advocating you do this right away, but eventually going out on a few casual dates, may help you get closer to your own feelings, never mind help you with potentially meeting some people you may end up liking a lot.

Oh, and I am sure you have not lost sight of the effect casual dating can have on creating “jealousy” in the mind of your ex husband if you ever wish to re-explore that prospect.