Warning Signs That Your Husband Is Cheating

Why would a husband cheat on his wife?

How can you tell when your husband is cheating?  Or their warning signs that point to infidelity?

Can you be sure your husband is faithful and is not having a physical affair or an emotional affair of the heart?

a cheater of a husband

These are the relationship questions that we are going to tackle today.

It is a difficult subject to discuss for sure.

No wife want to think about the possibility of their husband messing around with another woman. Just the idea of it and the images associated with your man cheating on you can be incredibly upsetting and disturbing.

How Often Do Husbands Cheat on Their Wives?

sneaky husband that cheats

Unfortunately, infidelity happens with greater frequency than most people realize.

Men and women enter into affairs every day.

Why?

Well, there are lots of reasons.  But let’s start first with trying to get a picture of how often this happens.

When we stop and take a closer look at the statistics we learn marriage infidelity happens with about the same amount of frequency for both men and women, though it is thought that men cheat somewhat more often than women.

Though women are catching up in the infidelity department as they become more financially independent.

When it comes to the topic of infidelity in marriage, the numbers are all over the place which is not too surprising considering the subject and the difficulty in obtaining accurate information.

Personally, I think the reality of how often a husband or wife will have an affair is under reported.

Most surveys suggest that anywhere from 30%-60% of married individuals will go chasing for love and sex in other places.

Cheating behavior among couples occurs with greater frequency in men and woman under age 30.

The reason?

It is believed that young married individuals are closer to the earlier period in their young adult life when they had multiple sex partners.

Also, younger adult men and woman are usually more mobile and have larger social networks.  They spend a greater amount of time away from home.

Something can also be said for individuals in this age range as being closer to their sexual peak.

With the advent of social media in our lives, people more frequently meet and make connections in chat rooms, forums, Facebook, dating sites, and all the rest.

So there are not shortage of ways for your husband to get involved with other women if he was so inclined.

Now, I am not saying this is an epidemic problem in society.  Cheating on your wife (or husband or significant other) has been around since the beginning of time.

While it is possible for your husband to have a close emotional attachment with another woman, it does run against the grain of what I think is ideal for relationships.

Do we have the emotional makeup to be truly romantically in love with two or more people at the same time?

It is possible.

But, it is pretty difficult to pull off emotionally.

Sure, we sometimes hear people talk about the distinction between “being in love” versus loving your spouse.

But that is a complicated discussion, so let’s save that for another post.

I think it suffices to say that love and betrayal are complicated discussions in of themselves, so we have plenty on our plate to talk about today.

Why Did Your Husband Betray You?

why did your guy betray you

Another interest factoid about cheating husbands (and wives) is that their infidelity is sometimes never discovered.  So you may never get to ask the question as to why your lover cheated on you or go through the pain of knowing your man did the unthinkable.

I know.  That is a crazy line of thinking to even try to process.

You may never even suspect it or you may mildly think something is happening.

Sometimes you won’t ever know for sure because your husband sure won’t tell you.

Well, I can’t say that.

Some guys do confess.

But why did he do it?  Why did he take up with this other woman?

When your husband goes off reservation to be with another woman, it usually not something he sat down and reasoned out.

It is often not a rational decision or even a planned event.  For various reasons it can happen without warning or premeditation.

And in many of these cases of betrayal, it turns out that your husband does not love you less or find sex with you as undesirable.

Some men just do plain stupid things.

There may be certain moments in his life where your husband’s emotional psyche is not that far removed from the cave man he evolved from.

It may be something as stupid and bewildering as opportunity meets availability and if the other party pushes the right buttons, your husband can slide into an extramarital affair.

But admittedly, it is a mix bag out there when it come to what drives a man to cheat on their wife.

Sometimes the husband is dissatisfied with their marriage for a host of reasons and finds someone else that they are attracted to on many levels.

That might be the case for a while.

After the rush of all the neurotransmitters that influence your husband attraction for this other woman wears off, he may soon realize he was partly under the spell of his body’s chemistry.

He will discover the whole world of how he perceives “love” and where his true feelings lie become very murky and confusing.

Does An Affair Mean That The Marriage is Over?

is the marriage over

It is possible that a husband can find what he believes is a more suitable mate.

He may be right or wrong.  As we know, relationships and compatibility are complicated topics to talk about.

Unfortunately, not every marriage I come across can be characterized as a strong match.

So sometimes, it isn’t the ‘grass is greener” dynamic that is at work, but rather the husband may feel unfulfilled in his marriage and the perfect storm of events happen such that the husband meets and falls in love with another woman.

Before your scream, just know that many a guy has thought they found something “really special”, only to realize later that what was special in their life was staring them in the face everyday in the form of “You”.

I know many people come to this site looking for solutions when betrayal has struck at the door of their marriage.

But I would be less than honest if I didn’t admit that some marriages are just not good matches from the get go.

But if your husband has cheated on you, don’t just throw in the towel.  His actions may not portend that your relationship is doomed.

We are all human and mistakes, big mistakes, can be made by either party of the marriage.

Some may seem unforgivable.

Given the right (or wrong) set of circumstances, either a husband or wife can make a terrible decision.

There have been a lot of research and studies performed on the subject of monogamy and whether or not men and women are biologically predisposed to cheat.

The data suggest that long-term relationships can be more challenging to maintain if the pair bonding and attachment is not strong.   No doubt, a lot of our sexual behavior is a product of some pre-wiring that has occurred over hundreds of thousands of years.

This would explain why some husbands and wives fall prey to betrayal.  And it would also explain the existence of jealousy as a primal emotion.

Studies also show almost all husbands admit to fantasizing about having sex with someone other than their wife.  But the same is true for women, though their fantasies will sometimes also include emotional affairs of the heart.

A jealous wife is nature’s way of guarding against other women pursuing your husband and making sure your husband feels the backlash of your wrath if he is tempted or shows signs of wanting to cheat.

Let’s not forget, we are all animals and seeking to reproduce and protectng what is ours is coded into our behavior.

Nevertheless, let’s not get too clinical or glum about marriage. There are plenty of happily married couples in which neither spouse cheated on the other.

A while back, I wrote a post that covered a great many things about the topic of cheating.  It was written for men, but the same principles hold true if you suspect your husband of being unfaithful.

How To Know if Your Wife or Girlfriend Is Cheating on You

What Are Some of the Warning Signs That Your Husband May Be Unfaithful?

warning signs of husband cheating

I am going to provide you with a list of behaviors and practices that your husband may engage in.

But I have a big warning for you.

Just because your husband exhibits or repeats any of these behaviors does not mean he is having an affair.  So be careful about jumping to conclusions.

But if your man is exhibiting a number of the behaviors described below, then it might give you pause to suspect.  Be sure to carefully read the article, whose link I provided above, because I offered up a plan you can consider if you think your husband might be unfaithful.

  1. When a guy is cheating on his wife, he usually will pay a lot more attention to his grooming needs.  He might get a new haircut.  He might be more diligent with brushing and whitening his teeth.  The husband, in order to accentuate his attractiveness to his new girlfriend, might buy new clothes or a different brand of aftershave.
  2. Most husbands will tend to pull away from sex with their wives when they are getting it somewhere else.  So look for signs in which he makes up excuses to avoid intimacy.  Even simple things like too frequently withdrawing from a kiss or a hug.
  3. Some men who are having affairs will try to compensate for the guilt they are experiencing because of their cheating ways through acting impulsively to see that you are pleased.  He may call you, right after having been with his lover, to plan an evening out or to check in with you to see how you are doing.  It is like a husband knows what he is doing is wrong and in order to cover it up, he might just go a little overboard in showing you attention.  He might obsess that he is going to get caught by his wife, so he will check in with her to see if everything is OK.
  4. You might notice that your husband seems oddly distracted more often than not.  He might daze off or go on little walks, workouts or short excursions by himself.  It’s as if he is wrestling with something.  He might be showing apprehension over not being able to meet up with the other woman, so he needs to work through it. He could be feeling restlessness over his guilt our uncertainty as to being caught.
  5. Men who are cheating on the wives will tend to focus more time on working out to look better and get in better shape.  He might start a new excercise regiment or work out more frequently.
  6.  Another cue that your husband might be having a fling is the frequency of text messages he is receiving and sending.  Watch his behavior around his phone.  Does he keep it close?  Is he protective or secretive about the use of his phone. Has he changed the password protection such that you don’t have access?  Watch how often your husband appears to delete his text history.  Maybe he is cleaning up his phone records.  Perhaps he is hiding something.  On this topic, another thing to consider is whether he has multiple phones.  Some guys will get another phone to hide their tracks.  But after a while, they will let their guard down and leave it lying somewhere to be found.
  7. Another telltale sign that your guy might be doing something naughty is his activity on social media might increase.  Or he may choose to open multiple social media or email accounts.  The latter is more likely as he will be looking for ways to connect with his lover.
  8. Check to see if your husband’s laptop has been encrypted to prevent anyone from entering unless they have the correct password.  If he is hiding an affair from you, he will not want you snooping around on his laptop, checking his messages and search history.  For example, sometimes a husband will be encountering an issue.  Maybe he will be plagued with feel guilt over his affair.  Maybe the affair is running hot and cold.  Perhaps he is having second thoughts about the whole business of cheating on you.  Whatever the case, your man might do some internet research on various topics related to his unfaithfulness.
  9. Another sign that something might be off with your husband is he is spending a lot of time at work.  Coming home late.  Perhaps he is taking a lot of trips.  Look to see if there are any unusual charges occurring on the credit card/debit card statements.
  10. When a guy is having an affair, his hormones are raging.  So he can be in a buoyant mood or if things are not going so well, his mood state can sour.  This can lead to an increase in fights.  Sometimes, your husband might even pick a fight as an excuse to get away from the house so he can go visit his lover.  Or, he actually might be struggling emotionally with the realization of what he has brought upon himself, so he might strike out.  If your husband seems to be picking fights with you more frequently or finding many more things to criticize you for, it could be his way of transferring his guilt.  He is looking for a reason to justify his actions and therefore he looks for ways to diminish you. He would rather not think about how important you are to him.  It is a sort of psychological game he plays on himself, but eventually it catches up with him.

 

 

How To Get Your Husband To Notice You Right Now

How many times have you wondered if your husband even notices that you are around?

Do you ever feel like your husband treats you like a stranger?

Have you ever felt like your husband takes you for granted and just doesn’t pay attention to your emotional needs like he use to?

Sure, most husbands will be happy to be there for you when you want to have sex.  But what I am talking about here is real emotional availability.

get husband to notice you

It seems to be missing in far too many marriages.

That connection and bond that is strengthened through little touches and smiles and loving glances and much more.

An emotional unavailable husband is not unique. Men have a way of wandering off into their own world….their own set of priorities.

But it can become a problem if your man behaves this way too frequently.

Now of course, I am not just saying that this issue occurs only with men.  Plenty of women pull away from their husbands and withhold their affections or become distant.

But in my experience, this happens far more often with men.

Is it True That Your Husband Doesn’t Have A Clue?

my husband has no clue

As a guy, I have a unique perspective of where a lot of men are coming from. If you feel your husband is drifting away, then it is probably because he is.

Husbands have a way of retreating within themselves.  They have their own little private world.  Expressing intimacy and affection outside of the bedroom can be difficult for a lot of reasons.

And its true, your husband may not even have a clue that he is falling short of pleasing you.  Though, I will argue later in this article that most men are not clueless.

Whether it be due to social, cultural, personality type, or a preferred attachment style, your husband may ace the exam on showing affection or he may struggle mightily.

I think women’s sense of a guy’s propensity to emotional detach is far keener than even a man’s own awareness that he may not be good at connecting.  It as if many men are designed to close the curtains to their emotional availability, while women reach out and open up themselves to their husbands.

So why does this happen and how can you stop your husband from acting like you barely exist when you live under the same roof and sleep in the same bed?

Is it possible you are imagining your man is pulling away?

Is it possible your husband is simply retiring to his man cave to satisfy his own needs and you are overreacting?

Lots of questions.

So how about some answers.

Let’s start first with what might be some of the reasons your husband is paying so little attention to you.

Some of these things could be happening in your marriage right now.  Or you may be overreacting.  Its true that some women are too emotionally needy and that can be a turn off for some men, causing them to withdraw even more.

But in my experience, that is not the main dynamic of what might be happening in most marriages plagued with this issue.

We are going to talk about some of these things, but remember, each marriage is unique and sometimes the factors associated with a husband not taking time to notice their wife and show her appreciation can be very complex.

But we need to start somewhere, so let’s give you some ideas to explore as to what is causing your husband to possibly behave this way.

Then we will talk about what you might want to do to help your husband snap out of his self absorbed stupor.

After all, man and wife did agree to “love, hold, and cherish”.  Let’s see if we can get you closer to that vow.

Why Is My Husband Acting Like I Don’t Even Exist!

my husband doesn't get it

Let’s start off with talking about those things your husband may not have a lot of control over.

In this example, it is not like your husband is completely unable to change the pattern of behavior that results in you, his lovely wife, getting ignored much of the time.

So don’t think I am letting the guy completely off the hook.

We are all capable of modifying our behavior, particularly when it comes to strengthening our marriage.

But sometimes your husband’s patterns of behavior may be occurring without his full awareness.  He may be wired in way that causes you to feel like he doesn’t care enough for you.

You may have married a Quiet Guy.

Some husband are cut from the mold of being the strong, silent type.

Have you heard of the line that “opposites attract”?

Well it is true that in a lot of marriages one spouse is often the more touchy, feely type.  One spouse is often more extroverted.  They are usually  the talker of the pair.  They instigate a lot of the action and decisions.

Let’s say in this example the extrovert is the wife.  Her personality will naturally compliment that of her husband who happens to be more low-key.  A man of few words.

Let me illustrate this point by way of a story I heard from a client:

I don’t think my husband will ever learn to crawl out of his shell.  We got married 15 years ago and he always told me I was his “catch”.  Now I know what he means because while I am very spontaneous and love to socialize, I never thought that my husband would want to spend so much of his time hiding out from all the activities I brought into our lives.  I thought I was doing him good.  Doing “us” good.  But it turned out my husband is constantly retreating from anything I suggest we do.  He says I am a social butterfly.  Well, I think my husband is a hermit.  He doesn’t want to leave the house and be bothered with other people and progressively it seems he is running away from me.  It’s like he looks away from me and avoids me, his own wife, because I guess he is afraid I will drag him into something he doesn’t want to do. He acts like a social recluse with me and everyone else. If I start a conversation, he is quick to try to end it. Anyone watching us would think I married a stranger given the way he treats me.” 

I remember this case clearly.

She was so frustrated with her husband that things got pretty crazy in their marriage for a while as both of them became entrenched in their particular styles of social behavior.

She was insistent on getting her husband “to register a pulse” and embraced every opportunity to get him to attend social events in all different settings, hoping her husband would eventually turner the corner.

Nevertheless, her husband was quite comfortable retiring to his familiar man cave and all of its creature comforts.

Quiet was his buzz word.

These were two people headed a different direction.

The reason?

Well, lots of reasons.

But the main reason for their loss connection had to do with personality types.

We can’t expect to be perfectly compatible with the one we marry. But in this case, the couple was miles apart.

I explained to my client that her husband was not likely to change a lot because he is not a social animal. I suggested she needed to turn to other measures.

After multiple sessions she came to agree that she was not going to turn her husband’s introversion into her brand of being an outgoing kind of person.

I also explained to her that the more she tried to change him, the more he would naturally resist the change and resent her for trying to upset his personality comfort zone.

As a result, these two were drifting apart, not communicating. Bickering was becoming their pastime.

Indeed, I explained to her that her husband was probably avoiding her at both a conscious and subconscious level because he “just knew” that she would push and prod him to become a different version of himself. And deep down inside, that is not who he was or what he wanted to become.

But with all things, there is usually a middle ground.

So I suggested she take the opposite tack.  If she wanted to change the dynamic such that her husband embraced opportunities to go with her to places and would be comfortable opening up with her,  she should join him in his world.

Spend more quiet time in the same room with your husband, I told her.  Don’t talk.  Just do something you enjoy feel is rewarding.  But the main thing is share the same space with each other, recognizing that quiet time can be powerful in creating intimacy and shared moments.

There is beauty in the quiet moments.

You do this enough times, I told her, then you can break the habit of your husband always equating your presence with something that will lead to an interruption of his peace and quiet.

Eventually, when he begins to equate her presence with him as comfortable and non threatening to his social way of “being”, then the trust will return.

Once that happens, she can slowly draw him into her world.

That is the give and take of relationships.

But remember the power in taking on things in small steps.

If you try to make your man change his behavior patterns by large leaps, chances are that he will resist, or worse, pull away from you even more.

What Else Causes a Husband To Treat You Like A Stranger

I am a stranger in my marriage

Marriage is a series of moments and events and within those situations is a certain degree of  give and take between husband and wife.

Sometimes those situations reveal something about your partner.

There are some patterns of behavior your husband will exhibit that are reflective of his underlying personality.  Like the example we discussed above.

If your guy is the strong, silent type and is not given to a lot of displays of affection and attention, don’t think he does not love you or care for you deeply.

But then there are behavior patterns your husband can modify for which he has a lot more control of.   So let’s talk about what it is that may cause your husband to get completely lost in his own world and as a result, lose sight of you and your world.

Some men can be obsessive and this trait can dominate their behavior to an extent that their focus is on other things and not you.

Perhaps he is a workaholic and just can’t bring himself to giving you the attention your deserve.

Perhaps your husband is overly focused on some emotional issue in his life and it is interfering with your communications.

Possibly your guy is on the wrong end of the “selfish spectrum” and instead of devoting a reasonable amount of time with you to ensure you and your emotional needs are satisfied, he spends his time pursuing his own interests.

I believe these are areas of a relationship that can improve if both parties discuss it and implement actionable solutions.

The first step to effectively addressing this problem is to gain your husband’s recognition and acceptance that there is a problem to begin with.

That is half the battle.

Sometimes when you tell your husband that he does not seem to “care” about you and what is going on in your life, he might act like he has no idea what you are referring to.

Husband will tend to react in various ways when this topic is brought up.

But when your spouse responds in an exasperated manner and insists that he has no clue as to what you are talking about, just know that he is probably play acting.

That is a nice way of saying it.

The truth is he is probably lying.

Deep down, he likely knows that he has been less engaged with you.  He should know.

If he “really” doesn’t realize that is what is happening, then that is actually very good news.  There is a solid chance you can help him understand how you perceive things and how it makes you feel.

Getting to a place where you and your husband have an honest dialogue  is a huge step in improving this part of your relationship.  When you both agree that there is a problem, it is a lot easier for you both to brainstorm and come up with a plan to remedy the situation.

Most husbands in this category don’t want their wives feeling ignored and neglected.  That want you to be happy because when you are satisfied, he is satisfied.

Does Your Husband Pretend Not To Know He is Ignoring You.

husband not treating you like a priority

The challenge is with those husband who pretend there is no problem.  They want to argue and debate about what makes you think he doesn’t pay enough attention to you.

Sometimes when a husband takes on this argumentative posture with you, he is protecting either his “ego” or his “time”.

It is the selfish and hardheaded husbands that are the most difficult to reach.

No matter which category your husband falls into, if you feel like your man isn’t noticing you or offering sufficient kindness and appreciation, I have some tactics you can turn to.

Just maybe you can flip the relationship script.

It is not unreasonable to expect a little attention and loving from your husband every single day.

After all,  being attentive, showing appreciation, and extending acts of kindness….these things are the currency of love.

Making Your Husband Notice You

ways to increase your appeal

  1. Go away for a while.  I know.  It sounds counter productive.  You would think that to get your husband to notice you more, you would need to be around. But you will learn that sometimes going against the grain, against his expectations, will get solid results.  This tactic does not work for everyone.  You will have to judge for yourself. If your husband is a very reactive type, then perhaps this is not the right approach.  But when employed correctly it can work amazingly well.  If the love of your life is just not in to you enough, then grab his attention by pulling a bit of a disappearing act.  He probably is use to you being home at a certain time.  We are creatures of routines.  Break the routine.  Make sure you are not there.  Stay away for hours.  Go incommunicado.  Don’t answer his phone call if he reaches out.  Don’t respond to his text if he is trying to find you. Make him work to get a response.  And after a sufficient time has gone by and after your husband has invested a good amount of effort in trying to find out where you are, then reply.  Keep your response brief.  Do it by text.  Tell him your will be home soon.  When you finally arrive, he will be full of questions. He might even be annoyed.  Just go to your bedroom and tell him that “we need to talk”. What you are doing is elevating this issue to place where it can’t get ignored anymore.  Explain to him that you needed private time because you are wrestling with feelings of being ignored and taken for granted.  Explain to him it is really bothering you.  Now you have his attention.  You have transformed the moment.  Take advantage of it and try to talk it out.  Hopefully, your husband will be more amenable to listening to you and taking your concern more seriously.
  2.  Men are often more approachable about doing things when they are in a good mood.  So picking the right time to discuss your concern is important. Your husband is also more likely to open up and be responsive to your suggestions after you have made love.   It might be a little bit sneaky psychology, but the oxytocin is still flowing in the afterglow of sex.  If you offer your husband some compliments about how much you enjoy it when he pays attention to you and how it makes you feel connected and attracted to him (even turned on), his subconscious will equate the moment you are in and the things you just said and naturally connect the two, such that he will be motivated in the future to please you more often by doing some of those little attentive things you mentioned.
  3. Become the evolving woman. Your husband, like almost all men, is a visual creature.  His attraction for you is partly connected to what he sees when he looks at you. Yet, you can be the most beautiful woman in the world, but beauty can begin looking commonplace if it is never presented in a different way.  It sounds crazy.  He married you for lots of reasons and obviously one of them is he finds you physically attractive.  But attraction can melt away if the embers of beauty are not stirred around once in awhile. If everything is the same, then how he sees you will be the same and the degree of attention you might receive could suffer.  You don’t want your relationship to become stale and unimaginative at any level.  So occasionally give your husband something else to appreciate in the form of a different version of you. Occasionally change your hairstyle, your lipstick, your perfume, what you are wearing, how you walk, how you smile, how sultry you might choose to be.  Embrace a different and potentially more exciting  way of making love with your husband.  It is through all the little things  we choose to do that allows us to change the moment we are in.  So alter your husband’s conscious (and unconscious) perception of who you are.  Keep things fresh. Surprise him with acts of kindness. Men are like clay.  They can be molded.  Remember, your husband truly wants to satisfy you because it is good for him when you are happy.  He just doesn’t always know how.

 

 

Why Is My Marriage So Hard

When I think about my own marriage, I realize that I have been really fortunate.

I was lucky enough to find an amazing woman who understands me and herself and we are both determined to make our union as perfect as possible.

I realize that I am lucky in several ways because for many people who fell in love and thought they found their relationship pot of gold, things are not as always as smooth as anticipated.

marriage can be hard to wrestle with

A marriage can be hard.  And today I would like to talk about why a marriage can be hard.

What are the factors that makes a marriage rough going?

What is it in a relationship with the person we fall in love with that can make it amazing and fulfilling and at times, difficult and painful?

Is it what we bring with us when we arrive at that moment when husband and wife says, “I do”?

What is it that causes us to think we are really compatible and “made for each other”, only to find out later than we are miles apart on a great many things?

Are we destined to repeat the mistakes our parents may had made?

Are there certain predictors of successful marriages and if known, can we implement them so our relationship can prosper?

why marriage is so tough

These are all the questions we are going to tackle today.  Hopefully, I can offer you some insights and advice that will help you with your marital situation.

Because after all, why should you be miserable and married?

Your married life need not be so hard and difficult.

Why can’t you be fulfilled and excited about each day you will spend with your husband or wife?

That is the end state we all desire.

We want fulfillment for ourselves and those that we love and are close to.

Marriage Can Be Hard Because Good Things Don’t Come Easy

marriages improve with work

The other day I was catching up with a ton of emails and noticed a trend in some of the questions.

Actually, I noticed several trends.  Men and women with broken hearts, feeling rejected, not knowing where to turn.

You see, deep inside us all we are yearning to be loved and to love another.

It is written into our genes.  It is something we all need in order to prosper and to feel connected.

“Thou shall love and be loved”, right?

You see, we are very social creatures and it is our nature to form relationships.

Without them, we are lost.

Now I am not just talking about marital relationships or boyfriend and girlfriends dating.  Of course, all those things are important to our way of operating in society.  But we have relationships with people in all kinds of ways.

It is something we naturally gravitate to because it is very much part of our makeup.

But no one ever promised me that marriage would be easy.

And I bet no one every told you that making a relationship, second to none, would just be easy as pie.

No, people don’t talk this way because the reality is so many couples end up breaking up.  Things may have gotten hairy and tough for the husband and wife and they couldn’t find their way out of their marital troubles.

So as I was going through my emails, I couldn’t help but notice that one one particular day, I was getting a number of messages from women and men (mostly married women) expressing frustration and a sense of futility that their marriages had become so cumbersome.

They talked about how hard they worked on making the marriage work, yet they were falling short.  And the various dysfunctional states in which they coexisted with their husband (or wife) varied from couple to couple.

One person said that she thought of her husband as a live in brother because there was so little love or tenderness exchanged.

Another claimed her husband never wanted to improve on anything.

Others reported things like:

My husband of 9 years has give up on us.  I am not sure what to do.  I never thought that it would be so hard to keep the relationship fresh. That is his number one complaint.  He thinks that we have fallen into a boring routine and says we should live apart for a while to see how that makes us feel.  I don’t want to be part of some grand experiment my husband has in mind.  If I have to work at improving myself, I will.  But isn’t he part of the problem?  I feel like I am swimming upstream and our marriage is slipping away.”

It seems like a daily chore to keep our marriage alive.  He won’t do anything except complain and I am at my wit’s end.  This is a painful way to live.  I think it’s harder on me than him.  He doesn’t want to invest time to help us draw closer and frankly I not sure if it is worth it anymore.”

How Do You Learn To Make Your Marriage Work?

making your marriage work

Sometimes I wonder about things.

It seems that we have colleges and universities all across this land which allow you to major in many kinds of subjects.

But in all my years, I have never seen any degrees or even college credits that teach us how to prepare for marriage and how to optimize your relationship once you tie the knot.

Wouldn’t that make sense to educate young men and women during their college age years about how to master the art of marriage?

In fact, I have a list of courses that I think would be excellent additions to a curriculum focused on helping young adults to become successful love partners in marriage or romantic relationships.

Try this on for size:

The Key Factors To Consider Before Choosing Your Soul Mate

The Needs of Your Soon To Be Wife

What Makes Your Man Tick

Overcoming the Marriage Quicksand

Staying Married For a Lifetime

Case Studies on Surviving Adultery

Marriage and The Bedroom

I mean really…. in High School there are opportunities for students to attend a special series of classes to learn how to drive.

Seems reasonable, right.  Driving is an important skill that can positively affect our lives.

Just like marriage is an important event that marks our lives.

Which of the two do you think is more important?

Of course, marriages hold greater import in our lives.  Yet there are not any High School courses offered like, “Foundations of a Great Marriage”.

No wonder marriages can be so hard on both the man and wife.

They are literally so poorly prepared, particularly if they get married while they are young adults.

When I went to school, a lot of students took Home Economics.

They learned all sort of things like cooking and how to stretch the budget.

When in college, any of us can take cooking classes or major in Hotel and Restaurant Management.

It seems like a reasonable vocation or way to spend your life. And it makes perfect sense that we train people.

But do we teach people the “Art of Making Up With Your Husband”?

Nope.

Then there is sex education which is taught in some schools. Though, it’s pretty basic.

And in college, there is a wide range of topics on sexuality that helps us learn more about this vitally important topic.

Yet, society seems to stumble when it comes to integrating practical and pragmatic courses like, “Love and Relationships, & Marriage” into our college curriculum.

Sure, parents can help us prepare to face the world, right?  But what if your parents are not good teachers or what if your family marital situation is a bit strained?

No wonder so many people find it so challenging to make their marriages work and fire on all cylinders.

This is why we struggle.

Why Do We Get Stuck in Bad Marriages?

are you stuck in a bad marriage

Sometimes can rush into marriage or a relationship that is not good for us.  We just didn’t know it at the time.

Now of course, there are exceptions.

There are some people who take it upon themselves to learn all they can before making that huge decision about who they wish to spend their life with.

They may be blessed with wonderful parents that serves as a role model.  And perhaps they were given some vitally important books that dealt with the key ingredients of not just a successful marriage, but also importantly, the factors you need to consider before choosing your husband or wife.

But more often than not, such individuals are exceptions to the rule.

Most couples came together by happenstance and were ill prepared in evaluating the factors that are predictive of a good marriage.

Often, instead of being influenced by rational and logical considerations, a couple becomes unduly influenced by their emotions and their neurotransmitters…the dopamine running through their body….the oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin and vasopressin (for men) that floods their brain.

Essentially, while we can enjoy the experience of feeling we are in love, these neurotransmitters can also blind us to certain important realities such as compatibility issues, history of behavior, and alignment of core values.

Of course, there is no perfect match out there.

No one has a perfectly compatible mate.

However great you may be at selecting your lover, there will be a time when your marriage is tested and certain times will be really hard on you and your husband (or wife).

Summing Up Why Your Marriage Can Be Challenging

make it work with your wife

So in summary, if we ask ourselves, “what makes marriages so hard for many”…..well, part of the reason is we are just not adequately prepared and educated or in the proper state of mind.

We receive no or very little personal or educational development in the young adult years of our lives when many of us are expected to make long-term relationship decisions; and sometimes, what we are taught is information passed down from our elders or from friends or whatever we learn in popular culture.

Those examples of coming up to speed to make one of the most important decisions of your life are usually not great platforms to help you with becoming competent

We all want to have a great love affair with our wife or a husband.

People who meet and eventually become husband and wife, all have good intentions to start.

But my goodness, it can be a rough ride if one did not learn how to select well.

Except when it comes to matters of the heart, missteps and mistakes can lead to big setbacks.

Isn’t it odd that one of the most important things we covet and hold up as grand and important…indeed so important that we have big ceremonies to honor and celebrate the event…..ends up getting very little attention in terms of personal preparation and development.

Well, let’s see if we can do something about it.

If you find yourself in a situation in which the struggles of your marriage have pulled you down, winding the clock back to the past is not an option.

But there are something things you can do to help ease the burden.  And one great thing most married couples have going for them is that they are in it together.

No one enjoys suffering and arguing and being a general state of unhappiness or disillusionment.

Let’s do something about it.

5 Things You Can Do To Make Your Marriage A lot Less Difficult

make husband and wife center of life

  1. The Power of Reciprocation – If your husband or wife says something kind, then return the compliment and relish that moment. This kind of behavior is a form of mirroring each other.  You copy what the other is doing.  But choose to reciprocate a “positive”.  Pass it forward to your lover. A couple can feel lifted up when giving and receiving compliments and once this become a routine in your marriage, the sky is the limit.
  2. Practice the Art of Kindness – A number of years ago, a famous study was performed that looked at the secret sauce of what makes marriages easier and long-lasting. They studied couples who had formed a relationship and followed those couples for many years to see how they coped.  So you want to know what kept couples together for many years and buck the breakup or divorce trend that is so common today?  In a simple word it was kindness.  They found that the couples that stayed together and avoided the dark times were those who said and did kind things to each other.  Imagine every time you tell your lover something kind or show appreciation, you banked a “kind point”.  And every time you were mean or nasty or exhibited negativity with your spouse, you lost a point.  Those married couples that enjoyed a ratio of 5 kind acts to 1 negative act (i.e. 5:1), did remarkably well as a married duo over many years. You can read more about it in this lengthy article I put together for you. http://mymarriagehelper.com/how-to-save-your-troubled-marriage/
  3. Have Sex More Often in Different Ways – It is easy for all married couples to get stuck in their routines.  The thing about routines is that they can be good, bad, and neutral.  Your love life can become a routine if you are not seeking new ways to enrich the experience.  Re-inventing how, when, and where you will have sex can provide many enriching benefits for you personally and your marriage as a whole.
  4. Spend alone time Together.  So what does that mean?  Well, often couples don’t make enough time for themselves because of work commitments and other responsibilities.   Sure, you probably spend time together every day.  But there is a qualitative difference when you spend time together alone.  Which means you should participate in more excursions or outings in which you and your husband (or wife) are freed up from your typical responsibilities. Spend time away from all the distractions. This means carving out time on your schedule and losing your smart phone to do something you have not done before with each other.  It could be a brief trip.  It could be a sexual rendezvous at a posh hotel.  It could be a walk in the woods.  The fewer the distractions the better.  That way you can get back to enjoying and experiencing each other’s company without interference.
  5. Touch your Husband (or wife) and Then Touch Some More.  When you touch, hug, cuddle, or otherwise do things such that you are in close intimate contact, you release a set up neurotransmitters, particularly oxytocin.  When your brain is bathed in this chemical, it pulls you closer together and when that happens, you naturally build up a set of experiences in which the bond between the two of your is strengthened.

Make no bones about it, hanging on to a tender and loving relationship requires a lot of work.

A lot of the chemicals that bathe our brain in the early days of courtship and during the period when you and your husband (or wife) were falling in love, tend to get muted by a sense of familiarity.

So to keep things fresh, you need to reset some of your routines, particularly the way you go about making physical love and the manner in which you schedule time for each other to be with each other and touch and hold each other.

These five factors are not the only things you can do to improve your marriage.

Obviously there are others like enhancing your communications and learning to reduce or manage those periods when you have conflict.

But if you are looking for some ways to make things just a bit easier in your life of marriage, grab a hold of some of the ideas I shared with you today and put them into practice.

Is Your Husband Playing Mind Games With You?

It is your marriage that suffers when your husband plays mind games with you.

Is it such a bad thing when your man wants to get inside your head?

It sure can be.

You can end up as a casualty if your husband decides he wants to act in a somewhat devious manner.

And yes, I think it is a devious act of your lover if he decides to try to get inside your head for the wrong reasons

Husbands should not be trying to screw with their wive’s minds.

A relationship should not play out like a chess match. While your husband may succeed in achieving some short term gain with his “mind play”, ultimately this kind of communication style is a dead end.

does husband play mind games

Such tactics can even border on marital emotional abuse if carried out to the extreme

Though not always.

Sometimes husbands turn to such devices for purposes of playfully teasing you, with the attitude of “no harm, no foul.” You may both do it to each other.  And that is fine.

Today, we are going to talk more about the negative concequences of husbands who spend far too much time trying to get inside your head and influence your behavior to his advantage.

So when your husband stoops low and embraces certain psychological techniques with the purpose to punish you or tweak you in some way,  he is definitely misbehaving.

Indeed, such behavior can rise to the level of cruelty.

And yes, these kind of communication methods can end up hurting the marriage.

Relationships seldom work well when one party of the marriage is employing shady techniques to dominate the conversation and decision-making.

The best marriages make use of frequent open and genuine communication, quality time spent together, acts of kindness.

Take those things away, the marriage suffers.

Why Does Your Husband Play Games?

why husbands confuse their wives

I hear from my clients everyday about a wide range of topics.

It is not unusual when I encounter  a married woman who is beside herself with what to do when her husband is trying to get inside her head.

A woman knows when she is  being pushed and prodded.

All of us can be influenced by a mere suggestion.

And if it is coming from the guy your love and trust, then it can have even more influence.

For example, take these examples of things husbands told their wives and ask yourself what would you do if your spouse acted this way.

“He told me yesterday that I was really looking sexy these days, then he used the “but” word.  He suggested that I should lose  6-8 pounds so that I would look even hotter.  What on earth do I need to do to please this man?  Am I really sexy by his standards or is my husband trying to tell me (wink wink) that I am getting fat? He knows how I grind on every little thing he says.”

I hate it when my husband plays his little mind games.  He thinks he is being clever and is going to get me pull the wool over my eyes, but the truth is that I see through his game playing. Does he think I am stupid? Still, though, I can’t get certain things out of my head.  He tries to insinuate that I wouldn’t mind if he spent the weekend at a conference.  He invited his secretary to go along for “for the experience”.  Of course I would mind and I know a lot of his co-workers are going with their spouses. I am no fool and giving me a gift card to visit a spa so that he is free to do his thing at the conference isn’t going to make me feel better. He tries to throw me off by telling me I am overly jealous and that I need to work on that.  But, honestly, I don’t trust him”

Does your husband stoop to little psychological ploys to accomplish his end game?

Is that his strategy?  To control and influence your behavior?

Or is your husband’s behavior reflecting a lack of maturity or an underlying emotional dysfunction.

6 Reasons Why Your Husband Wants To Get Inside Your Head?

is he trying to get in your head

You would think that in marriage, we all would behave ourselves.

You would think that we would interact with each other with love and understanding and our communications would be straight up.

But neither a husband (or wife) will be 100% straight up and honest with you about all things.

And for various reasons, your man might decide that he wants to resort to mind gaming.

Here are 5 reasons why your guy may turn to subterfuge and some shifty communication patterns.

1. Your husband seeks to control you.  He may be wired in such a way where exerting dominance and control in all areas of his and your life, makes him feel more secure. He wants to be the top dog. His thinking is that if he can finesse some of his words, he might just lodge some ideas in your mind which supports whatever he secretly desires to accomplish. So the underlying motive of his mind game is to influence or even manipulate you to do or agree with something.  I call these the “Bad Boy Husbands”.  They know better, but they do it anyway because exercising full control of the relationship is paramount in their minds.

2. Your husband is trying to be clever in an effort to test you.  At different points in our marriage, we can all plead guilty of employing this tactic.  In this situation, your lover may be unsure about how you feel or may react to something.  So he puts out a “trial balloon” to gauge how you might respond. Testing one’s wife, is not necessarily a bad thing if the underlying motive is to gain some insight into your thoughts about a potentially touchy subject.  But some husbands test their wives not such much because they are trying to get a “lay of the land“, but so as a means of prodding you.  They may be figuring out what your boundaries are.  And once they ascertain that information, they will use it for their own devices. Or maybe your husband does this as a way to tickle his fancy. Yes, it happens.  Some men, in the name of humoring themselves, will play mind games just to get a kick out of watching you squirm.  In this example, his aim is not so much to gently tease you, but rather fulfill some other deeper need.

3. He may be trying to get under your skin.  He figures, “if I can get in her head, I can agitate her just a bit“.  In your husband’s mind, it may be fair sport.  There is a certain degree of mean spiritedness associated with this approach.  But some husbands have a little cruel streak and if they can see that you get agitated, it gives them their kicks.

4. Your husband could be harboring resentment for you.  So as a way to get up inside your mind, he seizes opportunities to confuse you and throw you off-balance.  It’s his way of getting back at you.  Sort of a passive aggressive approach to possibly evening the score.

5. You lover may have narcissistic tendencies.  I sure hope this is not the case, but I have talked to plenty of women whose husband’s were so full of themselves, they eagerly took sport in knocking you down to build up their ego. Their behavior could take the shape of bullying you to submission. For them to feel “big”, they have to try to make you feel “small”. But remember, the bully husband is the coward and insecure one.  So if your husband is cut from this cloth, given to picking on you just because “he can”, just know that he is the weak one.

6. Your husband is being devious and is seeking to manipulate you. It is sad that husbands and wives will resort to clever and devious tactics to gain an advantage.  Marriages should be open and honest, whereby trust leads the way. But if your man seems to have a penchant for backing you into a corner and making you feel insecure, then he probably suffers from many of the things described above.  So your hubby could be a control freak, a narcissist, an agitator, and a manipulator.  If you have one of those kind of guys in your life, trust me, you can do much better.

What Can You Do If Your Husband Is Playing Mind Games?

whisper truth in husband's ear

Let’s start first with what you shouldn’t do.

Don’t try to turn it around and play your husband’s game.  Don’t go up to him and whisper something in his ear that you hope will fry his brain.

You will be tempted and it will feel really good if you got some shots in that causes him to squirm with uncertainty.

But in the long run, such a strategy will undermine your efforts in improving the marital relationship.

Start first with trying to understand why your husband is playing these games. Ask yourself, if it is anything you are doing that might encourage him to communicate with you in this manner and treat you in such a dishonest and self-serving way.

If your husband behaves in this fashion on occasion, but not frequently, then you have something to work with.

Like I said, none of us are completely immune to relationship foibles.

When you recognize that he is getting into the wrong lane in how he is talking to you, call him out.

It is better to whisper in his ear, “I know what you are trying to do and I want you to stop”.  I bet you have never done that and that is why it will get his attention.

Doing something a bit out of character (such as whispering a little truth in his ear) is more likely to resonate.

Tell him that you think he is doing an “end run” and playing some subtle mind games.

This approach is called “naming your objection“.

Put a face on what he is doing and call him out for it.  Don’t allow him to get away with yanking your chain.  You don’t want him to be comfortable with making little comments designed to set you off.

When you do this, he will understand you recognize the game he is playing and it will lose appeal.

When you do call him out on his behavior, you need not be mean or cruel.  Just say it as a matter of fact.

But beyond calling him, which is akin to “putting a face” on your husband’s undesirable behavior, you should offer up the consequences of his passive aggressive efforts to screw with your mind.

You can explain how you feel when he resorts to this behavior.

Your husband needs to understand that you not only calling him out on it, but he needs to understand how this undesirable marital behavior is undermining the communication between the two of you.

Your husband needs to understand that when he “plays mind games” he is fooling no one and is creating an environment of distrust and resentment.

Cut Through Your Husband’s Deceit

Cut through your husband's deceit

Quite frankly, when your husband turns to words and actions intended to confuse you or throw you off, it amounts dishonesty.

Your lover should not treat you in a deceitful and manipulative way.  He needs to understand this.  When we treat somebody in a deceitful way, we are prone to do it again and again.

And that leads to a couple trouble.

 

The instigator of this behavior, unless called out, will become comfortable with his routine.  This kind of behavior is destructive to marriages if it is carried out in a regular way.

Sure, there will be times when both husband and wife will playfully yank each other’s chain.

This kind of by-play between two lovers is to be expected and is healthy.

But we are not talking about fun and loving ways to enjoy each other’s company.

In the examples I cited above, the “mind games” are emerging from a negative place and such behavior does not serve the marriage.

Once you have pointed these things out, it would be time to paint the future.

Describe to him the desired future state of the marriage when neither of you are stooping low to get under the other’s skin.

In a sense, you are presenting to your husband a better way of interacting and what your expectation are.

To get to that place, your husband should know how his behavior personally effects you.

You see, that is the problem a lot of guys and gals have when they resort to mind games.

They often don’t ever learn how much these little psychological games hurt their loved one.

You need to spell out (without emotion or judgement) just how you are made to feel when you are a victim of this tactic.  Say things like:

I am made to feel unloved. I feel used and manipulated.  I feel as if you perceive me as a lesser person when you resort to this ploy.  I worry that my husband takes me for granted.  I am made to feel like a rag doll that can be jerked around at my husband’s whim. I have zero tolerance for being treated this way by anyone.” 

Final Thoughts If Your Husband Thinks He is a Clever One

clever husbands can see the light

I know it is easy to for me to say to open up and confront (in a non confrontational, positive way) your husband about his attraction to little psychological games he may play with you.

I realize it is hard to break established marriage routines.

I also understand that when a guy is caught and called out on his behavior, he will often just deny that he was doing anything manipulative or sneaky or clever.

Often, a guy will go even deeper into the mind game as he denies and even feigns disbelief that he would even be accused of such a thing.

He might even accuse you of playing games with him.

Yep, sometimes he might try to get in your head coming and going.

If that is the way he wishes to “play it”, then don’t fall into the trap.

Don’t give him the satisfaction of an emotional response.  In most of these cases, when a guy resorts to such psychological tactics, he is looking for a reaction from you.  That could be where he gets his kicks.

Now, on the other hand, if your husband is a control freak or narcissist, you may need to dose out a different cure for these kinds of guys.

Unfortunately, we have run out of time to discuss these special challenges.

But I will be taking up the Bad and Ugly versions of the Mind game and how to deal with a husband who use such tactics in the very near future.