Why Does Your Husband Need Space To Be Alone

Have you wondered why your husband pulls away from you?

Is there something wrong with your husband such that he prefers to be alone and not with you?

Why are some husbands such solitary creatures?  What is so important about him needing his space?

Well, if you are married to a guy who at times wants to go it alone and be by himself, don’t think it too strange. Most men, including your husband, may need to go off to be alone for any number of reasons that have nothing or little to do with you or any negative feelings about the marriage.

Why Are Men Driven to Go It Alone?

Men in general are not like women in which they desire to be closely held. They don’t often conjure up or fantasize about things to do with their wives.

give your husband some space

When a guy doesn’t want to go off and do something with his wife, it is usually not a sign that he loves her less, but rather something else is stirring up inside.

While you may feel like he is deserting you, just know that something else is probably going on and it likely has more to do with your husband’s yearning to get out and about.

Speaking of feeling deserted, I recently wrote an article on that topic.  Feel free to dig in!

I Can’t Believe My Husband Deserted Me

As the woman in the marriage, you may feel more inclined to gravitate to social gatherings and experiences while your husband may be looking for a way to escape.  Often he would rather be alone than be dragged to yet another social function.  Give your husband a recliner chair and a good sports program and he becomes a happy camper, all too happy to skip out on some social event you may be dying to go to.

Women tend to be the social butterfly.  Men are more like the lone wolf.  Your husband will growl and bark at you if he thinks he is going to get dragged someplace he doesn’t want to be.

Sure, your husband will enjoy his share of get togethers with friends and family and will find some enjoyment at parties and other festive events. Indeed he may thoroughly enjoy himself.

Recognize that I am speaking in generalities and every man and woman march to their own unique drum beat of likes and dislikes.

But your husband, as do all men in my opinion, have something that is deeply embedded inside him that causes them to seek out solitary moments more often than women.

His lack of enthusiasm about hanging out with you doesn’t mean your husband is falling out of love with you or is thinking of breaking it off with you.  On the contrary, your man may feel a very strong connection with you, but deep inside his genetic makeup is steering him to his man cave.

This is the place he loves to go when the world seems to be closing in around him.  It is his place where he can be alone with his own thoughts.  And while you may feel he is closing you out of his life, in his mind he is seeking out refuge.

Your Husband Needs To Get Away To Be Alone

let your husband go

Somewhere inside your husband is this voice that tells him he needs to get away from things.

Unfortunately, as his wife, you may mistake his behavior as wanting to leave you for good, but seldom is that the case.

Now, on the other hand, if you are certain your husband doesn’t want to stay with you and is just looking for a way out of the marriage, that requires a different approach.  I wrote this post about how you can deal with such an occurrence.

Should I Beg For My Husband To Stay and Not Leave Me?

But the theme of this post is that your man is simply trying to get away for personal driven reasons.

Sometimes he does not want to feel too crowded.  Men can be that way.  That just don’t always know what is best for them.  They will push you away, then later accept you back with open arms.

Your husband will go through times where he does not want to be bothered by you are anyone else.  When you reach out to pull him close, he may not want to be held or share in emotional intimacy.

Your husband wants to be loved, but he wants his freedom too and the sense of feeling trapped or caged linger over him at times, causing him to pull away, avoiding closeness.

Like an animal in the wild, he is summoned by his inner self to go off to be by himself and strip away all those things that he feels is robbing him of his autonomy.

He wants to rough it.  He wants to fight off the forces that try to take away his individuality.  And to do this, your husband’s mind subconsciously tells him he cannot have his woman hanging on to him.

How can he do battle with the elements of the world if his wife is clinging to him, holding on too tightly?  This is how your husband may feel inside, though he probably cannot put it in words or understand fully where this desire comes from.  Yet is there and he must contend with it.  Indeed your husband welcomes this feeling because quenching it makes him feel whole again.

Your husband operates on two levels.

On one level he wants to be the good husband and provide for you and make you safe and enjoy happy and fulfilling moments with you.

On another level, your husband wants to strike out on his own, by himself, on a grand adventure.  Or he needs to retire to a place where he can enjoy just the feeling of solitary.  Or he may be driven to be in the company of close friends.

You may feel shut out and express your discontent and this will anger him because what is stirring up inside him is powerful.

Where you might want to surround yourself with people and loved ones working together to address life issues, your husband more often (than you) wants to simply be left alone.  He often would rather tackle his own problems without the distraction of others.

Remember, these feelings of aloofness which may overcome him are not reflecting any particular problem with how he feels about you.

The fact he doesn’t want you in his circle of experience at any given moment does not mean he is falling out of love with you.  The fact that your husband wants to carve you out of his life for a time being doesn’t mean he wants to carve your out of his life for good.

It is just something he feels compelled to do in order to feel right about himself and satisfy that internal hunger to go it alone for a spell.

And often, when your husband returns from his self-imposed exile, you will find him renewed with a new sense of purpose.  He will pull you in even closer and appreciate you even more, particularly if you generously granted him the freedom to be by himself and go off to do something without you.

The way in which men sometimes behave can be confounding to women.

Wives don’t understand why their man sometimes push them away and insist on having their space.  It can be upsetting and confusing to a wife when her husband accuses her of crowding him or clinging too much.

Avoid Crowding Your Husband Are He Will Run Away

your man will run away

Women struggle with understanding what compels their husband to act this way.

She may have this fantasy image in her mind of she and her husband doing everything together, enjoying every moment, hand in hand.  And when it doesn’t happen in the way she envisions, she thinks she must be doing something wrong.

She questions why her husband doesn’t want to do things with her and why he avoids committing.  She becomes confused when he tacks in the opposite direction.

Hurt feelings will arise or there will be conflict as she presses her husband to explain why he acts so cold or sometimes avoids her.  This outcome in turn makes things worse, causing her husband to feel like she is crowding him.  Now he will want to go off and be by himself even more.  The sense of escaping will dominate his mood.

I hear from my women clients all the time about their husband insistence to have their space:

What do you do when your husband gets angry with you because he says I am crowding him all the time?”

It took me years to figure out that I need to give my husband space while we were living together.  It never dawned on me that men are wired differently and value just going off to do things by themselves or with their male friends. I see now it is simply part of their make up and while it hurts sometimes, I get it”

Is there a time limit on how long I should give my husband his space?  How much time does he need to get it together.  It seems so selfish he wants to be alone and do things alone.  I thought being married was having fun and doing things together.  He doesn’t want that all the time.  He says he gets jittery and says I hover over him too much”

How should I respond when he insists he needs space.  I feel shut out and it hurts and I tell him so, but it makes things worse.  He feels guilty and I feel confused and we get nowhere.  Is it wrong that he sometimes pushes me away or should I accept it as just a man thing?”

How To Deal With A Husband That Needs His Alone Time

give your hubby his alone time

So what if your husband acts this way at times?

As a woman and his wife it can be difficult to understand this man thing.  That is largely because you view the world through the eyes and experiences of a female.

But your husband doesn’t process things in the same way.  He is almost like a different species.  If you try to overlay your template of feelings and reactions to situations and seek to understand what your husband is thinking, you will come up short.

Let’s say you are sometimes confused about why your husband withdraws from you or why he says he needs some room to process things.  Or he tells you he needs to go off and do something and it is clear he doesn’t really want you around.

So let’s say you are not sure what to make of his behavior and you feel shortchanged and cut out of his life.

The fact that your husband is hinting or insisting he wants to do his own thing and go off do stuff without you is going to probably cut at you in the wrong way.

You may feel abandoned.

It may cause you as his wife to feel a bit betrayed.

You may feel saddened by the realization that your husband doesn’t want or need you at that time and none of what is happening dovetails with your own needs as a woman.

You almost always feel like sharing everything with your husband.  You seldom want to be separated from your man.  You want to pull him close when you are troubled or hurt.  Yet your husband sometimes behaves in the opposite ways and you are confounded  by his behavior and it is hard to understand why you are being stripped away from him.  And to make matters worse, he seems incapable of adequately explaining his reasoning for shutting you out.

You feel abandoned.  He won’t let you inside his heart and never mind trying to understand what is going on in his head.  You can tell something may be bothering him deep inside, but all he wants to do is retreat away from you and the more your try to hold him close or even simply talk about things, the more he squirms and acts like he must  get away.

Support Your Husband’s Need To Respond to the Call of the Wild

your man answers call to the wild

I have a secret for you.  You are married to a wolf like man!   Sometimes you have to turn him loose so he can go out into the world and howl.

Well, perhaps it is not quite that bad.

But if you ever feel your man is sometimes summoned by the wild, you are not too far from the truth.

Inside him is a beast.  He wrestles with it.  He needs to fight with it.  It is a life long struggle to tame it.  And if you get in his way, he is unable to gain control of it, so he strike out at you and accuses you of crowding him or clinging too much.

Your husband may say things like you are suffocating him and that he just wants to be alone for a while.

Perhaps you should step aside and let the wild dog in him go off and hunt down his prey.

That is why I tell wives that they need to shift their paradigm.

I explain that sometimes to understand their husband they have to stop thinking in terms of how women typically process the world around them.

I explain that when the call of the wild summons their husband, they must turn him loose.

Indeed, letting your husband go can be a wonderful opportunity for you in two ways.  We will get into all that.

At times, you should insist your man go off and do his thing….all by himself…without you.

Tell him you understand that he will be summoned by the “wild” and you want him to go out and conquer it.

Tell him you love it when he goes off and slays his emotional dragons or when he goes out does the “man thing” with his buddies or just seeks to be by himself.

Clear the path for your husband to be alone during those times when he seems to be pulling away.  Tell him you love it when he has to retreat into himself because when he comes back to you he is always better in every way.

Tell him he comes back a better version of himself.  Tell him the sex is better….that he is more relaxed and more fun to be around.

Tell your husband you understand his needs to be alone at times and when the feeling comes on, he should satisfy his desire.

In effect you are giving him permission to do the very thing he wants to do but might be afraid to do as he does not wish to disappoint you.  One part of him knows he should satisfy your needs that you have expressed in the past.  But another part of him wants to run away to fight, play, struggle, and overcome….all in one outing.

What Are The Two Ways You Benefit When You Let Your Husband Have His Space?

winning ways with your husband

When you turn your husband loose to slay the beast, you empower him.

It fills him with joy that he is unshackled and is free to slay his enemy.

The enemy can take the form of many things.  It can be that instinct in him to unleash all his fear or anger about whatever.

It can be the anxieties that have piled up inside of him.  It can be the compulsion to go off an conquer something that is physically hard to do.

The key thing is to allow your husband to go off, without feeling guilty or being nagged.  Let him be a solitary man.

When you grant him this thing that he needs to do, he will love you and appreciate  that you, unlike most women, understand him.  He doesn’t have to deal with his feelings of guild.  He loves you for having the wisdom to turn him loose.  He will value you as a wife that understands that he needs to battle the beast and that you are not standing in his way, but rather are enabling him and cheering for him.

Many women and wives won’t understand this and do this for him.

But you will and in his mind’s eye, you have become his  beloved Princess that he can later return to.  He knows you will accept him with open arms because you sent him off to wage battle.  Your support in making your husband feel whole is not lost on him.

Meanwhile, while your Prince Charming of a husband is out there finding himself and doing those manly things that makes him feel re-charged, you should use the opportunity to treat yourself like a Princess.

While your husband is doing his solitary things like climbing a mountain or going hunting or retreating to his secret hiding place or whatever it is he must do without you, in turn you should be pampering yourself and doing those things that make you feel good.

You see, that is how it works.  Your husband has his needs that should be fulfilled.  And you too have your needs that come from deep inside that should be met.

It is important in every successful marriage for you both to be your own person.  You can never be together all of the time.  You should not seek to do so.

Your husband will need his time alone and to become the best version of yourself, you too need time to realize this.

This is how you both will be happier together.

You have to learn to be happier by yourselves, first.  You have to find fulfilling moments in life away from each other.

By having your own lives and meeting your own individual unique needs,  you can make each happier.

Becoming The Ungettable Wife in Your Husband’s Mind

One of the most amazing things that can come from the breakup of a marriage or relationship is the opportunity to shift gears and focus on becoming the very best person you can possibly be.

Even if your marriage is not going down the tubes, just knowing that there are higher levels of enjoyment and fulfillment you and your husband can reach is motivation enough to learn more about what I call the Wonder Woman Effect.

becoming a wonder woman wife

Having and projecting a wondrous, ungettable quality about yourself can be a transformative event for every wife out there.

The way I see it, there are essentially two key choices you have when you are mired in a struggling marriage.

You can just retreat further into a marriage of mediocrity and just hope that future troubles  pass you by.

Or you can do something about your life and lift yourself up.

This is where the Ungettable Wife comes into play.

By the way, when you finish reading this post, come back and check out this article I wrote as it is full of ideas for you!

What Makes a Great Marriage Work – You Will Be Surprised!

So what is it exactly?  How do you attain this status?  Why would you ever want to be ungettable?

After all, you want your husband to desire you and perhaps you gladly given yourself to your man to complete your marriage pledge of love and honor and commitment.   You expect he will do the same for you in return.

That is what is often referred to as selfless love for your spouse. You are there for each other and seek to become “one” in your love.

How on earth do you and your husband achieve such a lofty goal?

And what is all this talk about morphing yourself into this state of becoming ungettable?

All good questions.

So let’s get into it.

What is an Ungettable Wife?

It is somewhat like becoming a Wonder Woman Wife.

Yes, that true, I want you to imagine yourself as an incredibly beautiful woman with all of these attractive qualities who also happens to be a wife.

being an ungettable woman

You are smart, independent and lovely.

You are strong of mind and spirit.

You have a wonderful, unforgettable personality.  You are healthy and strong.

Everybody likes you and wants to be around you.  Your are both a magnet for men and women.  Children adore you. And most importantly your best friend is yourself. Not in the sense that you are arrogant.  Quite the contrary, an ungettable wife is selfless.  But she loves herself immensely.

Because you are all these things, many men think of you has so highly valued that they could never have a chance to win you over.  Despite all their charms and smarts and wealth (or whatever they offer), their confidence wanes when they are in your presence.   It is because you have this certain undefinable quality (i.e. Ungettable).

Other men and women consider your husband as the luckiest guy on the planet because you chose him to share your life.

As the Ungettable Wife, you give off this aura of being special and so highly attractive (emotional and physical), every man wants you and every woman envies you.

Before I forget, take a look at this post too as it touches on how you can maximize your attraction:

How To Be Attractive, Enticing, and Appealing To Men (or Women)

What is the Wonder Woman Wife in Your Man’s Eye?

amazing and ungettable wife

The other day I got a message from one of my clients.  She and her husband of 5 years were struggling.  He seemed not to be all that impressed with her in the same way as earlier in their relationship.  Their married life had become a series of boring routines leaving them both unquenched and dissatisfied.

I had suggested to her that she might want to work on becoming that woman she once was and more.  At first she didn’t quite understand.  She asked me, “how do I become somebody that I am not and how will that help me with getting my husband to pay more attention to me?

I explained to her that she already has a lot of leverage given that she and her husband are still together and things have not really fallen apart like in marriages that are troubled with mountains of problems and dysfunction.

I emphasized that if she wants more of her husband’s attention she needs to think about renewing her own attractiveness.  I explained that attraction is not just about physical beauty or sexuality.   But I elaborated that there are some things she can try that have worked in the past on a lot of guys.

She wanted to know more because she felt her husband was sliding away. “What is this ungettable quality you are talking about?”, she asked me.  “How do I know that I have it and that it will  work on my husband?“.

I told her that the ungettable qualities she can put to into play will serve to attract her husband to her like a magnet.  I explained it is something she already possesses inside her.  I explained that to become a wonder woman in her husband’s eyes, all she needs to do is focus on just a few areas that will cause her husband to surrender to her more often than she imagined.

I emphasized that becoming the Ungetabble Wife is a continuous pursuit.

It doesn’t start and end with doing a few things.  It is something you work on throughout your marriage and sometimes it means you reinvent yourself frequently.  I explained that these she need not make wholesale changes.  That is not the type of reinvention I am referring to.

I also explained that being an ungettable wife is not the same thing for every woman.  As we all change over the course of our lives, so does the ungettable wife who is always seeking to find those things that make her shine.

In effect you become ungettable when your own husband realizes that you have so much value, he deems that no other man can have you.

He wants you all for himself. You are ungettable in his eyes because the thought of another man being able to experience all of your wonderful qualities becomes unthinkable to him.

Then I told my client something that many women, when learning about this concept for the first time, seldom realize.

When you seek to become the persona of the ungettable wife in your husband’s mind, you are really not doing just for him to appreciate you, admire you, love and want you more or even lust after you in new ways.

Sure, you want all those things in your marriage.

You want to be the pinnacle of what he sees as attractive and desirable.

But here is the rub.  While you want all those things to happen, what you really need to achieve is to become the Ungettable Wife for yourself.

being a lovely wife for yourself

Becoming a Wonder Woman Wife is very much about feeling good about who you are and how you feel about yourself.  When you feel really good about what you are all about, ,you exude confidence and happiness.

When you feel confident and happy, you increase the magnetism of your personality and your husband wants to come into your orbit even more.

He will invest more time in talking with you.  He will be motivated to be around you and plan things with you.  When you become a woman who exudes confidence and other attractive qualities, he feels more valued in your company.

Another off shoot of becoming kinetic in the qualities you exude is not just your husband wanting to please you and be with you, but other people  will also be attracted to the force of your being.

Becoming a Wonder Woman Wife offers up holistic experiences.

People see how your husband responds to you and in turn he notices how other people are drawn to you (his ungettable wife).

Men flirt with you.

Women compliment you.

This phenomenon feeds on itself and as more people come into your life and value you and enjoy being with you, it makes you all the more attractive, causing your husband to count his lucky stars that he has you as his wife.

The ungettable wife in this way becomes the Wonder Woman wife.

She is never a woman who flaunts here popularity.  This quality makes her even more likable and easily approached by others.

As the ungettable wife aura shines brighter with every day, you build a certain reputation which other men and women value.

They look up to you and want to know your secrets.

How Do You Become Your Husband’s Ungettable Wife?

be wonderful for your husband

So my client wanted to know how she should go about making herself “ungettable” to her husband.

She wanted her husband to think of her in such a way that he would rue the day he didn’t pay greater attention to his wife.

The plan I put together for this client involved a multi prong approach.

My client’s Ungettable Wife persona was going to be realize through her efforts in three main areas.

Creating a renewed sense of mystery and mystique

Creating highly different and stimulating sexual encounters

Owning an active, energetic, and  positive personality whose purpose is not solely to please her man, but exists to mainly please herself.

Your Husband is Attracted to a Touch of Mystery

be the mysterious wife

Men are drawn to women that offer them mystery.

Your husband is no different. Doing things that he would not anticipate or expect can add zest to your marriage.   Your ability to add a touch of mystique back into your marriage is a worthy endeavor.  Sometimes it can be just a small thing.  It can be about a small gift you surprise him with.

It can be something highly intimate.  Men love being surprised by their wife in the bedroom, particularly if she approaches him in an unusual way.

This sense of something that is different can apply across the spectrum.  It could be about your physical appearance.  The perfume you wear is different. An unusual way you touch him can lodge into his subconscious. A different way in which you hug and whisper a secret little compliment about him can appeal to his ego.

Little jealousy plays can help reinforce your value as a very special woman.

How your husband (and other men and women) perceives you in the way that you dress, the way you do your hair, the commitment you have to having a great body are all part of creating this sense that you are special and different than the other women he has come across.

To reinforce these special qualities you have, it is helpful to find what I call reinforcers.

You need confederates to help you with reinforcing how truly special you are. And you want your husband to take notice of how others see you so that he will appreciate you even more.

The compliments you get on your Facebook page can server as reinforcers. Getting friends to point out how great your body looks or how lovely you slide into the outfit you are wearing can all be part of reinforcing your image as the Wonder Woman Wife.

Making sure your husband is aware of these Wonder Woman compliments also plays a part in adding to your mystique.  You want your husband to prize you and what better what to do that than through the compliments and feedback you get from other people.

become the sexy mystery wife

Men are also interested in sex of a different encounter.

You may be thinking, “Chris, I know my husband likes sex and we don’t have much of a problem in that department“.

But what I said was sex of a different encounter.

Whenever you are able to command your man’s attention through unusually intimate or unpredictable sexual encounters, then you are growing closer to becoming the Ungettable Wife in his mind.

You want him to think the words “amazing” and “wonderful” when he conjures up images of his next sexual encounter with you.  You want him fantasizing about his incredibly sexy Ungettable Wife.  You will want to tease him about the prospects of new and different sexual encounters, but always leaving some mystique and uncertainty.

But here is the rub.  You can’t over play your hand.  Your husband cannot always “get” what he wants.  That is what makes you Ungettable in certain respects.

These amazing sexual encounters with your husband should be sprinkled throughout the month.   As with all things lovely and wonderful, too much familiarity can spoil the uniqueness of the experience.

The Wonder Woman Wife that is perceived as ungettable  also possesses a incredibly positive  personality.

She glows with excitement and fun.  She is quick to stroke and satisfy her husband aching ego.

A study that dealt with attractiveness reported that one of the most important ingredients in holding a man’s attraction revolves around the woman’s friendly personality.  It is not how beautiful she is or how amazing she looks in her wardrobe.  It is about having a welcoming, open, fun, and positive personality.

The most important thing that every Ungettable Wonder Woman Wife learns is that while her winning personality is a huge attractor for her husband, she is not exhibiting this amazing personality for the sake of pleasing her man, rather she is committing to being positive, vibrant, and fun for herself.

There is a contagious quality to having a magnetic personality.

The Ungettable Wife  understands that it is not always physical appearance or great sex that rules over her husband’s long term desire for her, rather it is the makeup of her personality and character and how well it dovetails with his own.

Your husband will seek you out and come to subconsciously gravitate to everything you are about as you attain this Ungettable persona.

But the key is to love yourself and celebrate in your own amazing self with humility.

That is the path to true happiness and successful relationships.

 

I Can’t Believe My Husband Deserted Me

Has your husband ditched you?

Are you in a situation in which your husband deserted you and it happened so fast you still don’t know how it all came down and what it all means?

How do you cope if your husband has left you?

No doubt, when your husband deserts you it can bring about all kinds of emotional chaos along with uncertainty as to why he really did it and what you should do about it.

I hear from women every day about losing their husband.  They feel alone. They feel confused.  They feel rejected and the experience is about as painful as it can get.

Not just emotional pain, but actual physical pain too as the body seems to go haywire in all the wrong places.

has your husband left you

When he left me I thought my world was over. I ached for him back everyday. Far too long I relied on my husband for just about everything. I had become far too dependent on him.  But a year after the event, I feel so much more in control of my life, having realized that being attached to somebody who really didn’t love me the way I needed to be loved was never going to work out.”

My husband left me after 12 years of what was both a troubled marriage and one that sometimes brought us great joy.  I don’t even know how to process what I feel.  It is really hard to concentrate on anything else and I know I am confused. My husband leaves me, yet I am still in love with him?  How does that work? Part of me was glad he left.  But now I have all these missing parts of my life that were so used to him being around and doing the things that made me feel part of something.  What is wrong with me?  I know in my thinking mind he was more trouble than good, but I can’t shake loose of him.  I hate him for what he did and sometimes I hate myself for allowing him to make me feel so vulnerable.”

“After he left me I have turned into a mess.  I never realized how much he meant to me.  I am filled with shock over the whole thing. I know I messed things up and am willing to change.  Everyday I wake up and think, ‘Oh my god, my husband left me, how do I get him back? ‘

“My husband and I have begun talking about divorce. Part of me cannot even believe it.  Soon he will move out and finally will really be gone.  For years all I could think of was when can I get away from him.  Now come all these questions. He is about to leave me now but I don’t even know what I am entitled to.  I really can’t believe this is happening. I didn’t know I would be a jumbled mess. What do I down now?  I don’t want to be stuck alone by myself. What will I do if I run out of money? He said all of that will be taken care of but I don’t even know what that means and if I can trust him. Should I have my own lawyer?  We are trying to keep it simple and inexpensive.”

I understand it can be incredibly difficult when you find yourself without a husband, not knowing where to turn.  And this awful situation can unfold in so many different ways.

I can't believe he left me again

For example what if you husband cheated on you, then walked out?  What do you do in such a situation?   There are not easy answers for such a relationship fiasco.  I have written a post about this, so take a peak when you get a chance:

I Can’t Believe My Husband Cheated and Left Me

Let’s for a minute just stop and try to get some perspective. If you are one of millions of women whose husband has stormed out of the marriage, then I want you to take a step back and realize some very important things.

Getting some perspective that it is not the end of the world should be one of your first aims.  Life moves on and while it may be difficult for you to process that now, you have many paths you can take which can lead you to very fulfilling experiences.

It is said that the art of achieving happiness is through relationships and immersing yourself in a wide variety of diverse experiences.

So take the bull by the horns and come to terms with the reality that you ultimately possess control of your own happiness.

How Should You Feel After Your Husband Leaves You?

feel sad about husband's departure

Right now, it is probably hard for you to see the silver lining.  Much of what you feel right now is the pain of losing your husband.  It probably feels like he has been stripped away from your life.  The man you once thought was the right guy for you has shaken up your world view.

It is hard to shake loose of the feeling of no longer being an everyday part of your husband’s life.  With the marriage in question, your identify has come under fire.

There were times when the two of you would literally move and breath as one.

Sure, you were both your own person in many ways, but without realizing it, you were both also largely defined by the other’s presence.

So if your husband leaves you suddenly, there will be this sense of a gap in your life or a missing part.

Later you will realize these feelings and sense of reality is only temporary. But for now, if you are coming off of a marriage split up, nothing feels more real than those emotions coursing through every part of your mind and body.

One of the reasons you still feel so tied to your husband, even if you are filled with anger or rage for what he has done, is because it is so hard to shake loose of the tremendous bond people form when they have been close and together for such a long time.

Think about it.  Even if many aspects of the marriage was flawed, there were so many things the two of you were a part of together.  Your memories of things are largely intertwined and those joyous moments, times when you both enjoyed each other’s company, is part of the glue that keeps that bond from completely coming apart.

When you boil it down to its essence, married couples are bonded and tied together for many reasons including  physiological, emotional, psychological, social, and financial reasons.

That is a lot of things that the two of you have experienced together.

And by the way, before I forget, if you find yourself stranded in marriage and are looking for some ways to arouse your husband’s interest in you again, consider some of these tactics I wrote about in this post:

How Do I Make My Ex Husband Miss Me and Think About Me Constantly

No doubt, learning to cope with a husband who has gone AWOL is going to be a big adjustment.

When you are in a state of disbelief about your husband leaving you, simply pinch yourself and repeat, “I am strong and will get through this”.

Tell yourself that your husband walking out on you is a good thing.

Of course, you won’t understand why that is the case in the moment of the searing pain you may be experiencing, but in time, you will realize that his decision, however rash or unwise it may have been, has forced you to decide if you wish to invest any more time in the relationship.

What Are the Different Ways a Husband Can Leave His Wife?

many ways your man can drop out of your life

Just because your husband or boyfriend has supposedly called it quits and walked, doesn’t mean that is what he really wants.

People, including your husband, often behave in the opposite way in how they feel.

In his deepest of hearts, he may not want to bring an end to the marriage.  His action may be one coming from impulse.  He may be heading for the marriage exit not because he doesn’t love you anymore, but rather he may be immature and is acting out of stupidity or spite.

Sometimes men will walk away from their marriage because they think they would be happier elsewhere.  Maybe their mind is so cluttered, they feel they need time to sort things out.  Your man may essentially need some peace and quiet to process his next move.  In some cases, your man may leave you because he is confused about what he really wants.  A little solitary time can sometimes awaken his true feelings.

I have also seen cases where a husband drops out of the marriage because he thinks he has fallen in love with another woman.

So he decides to bolt and chase after his dream romance.  But often times, the other relationship doesn’t pan out in the way he imagined and he later finds himself trying to explain to his estranged wife that he has made a terrible mistake and she is the one he “really” loves.

Then occasionally, there are guys who decide that marriage commitment is not what they wanted at all in their life.  There may be some psychological component in their thinking that leads them to feel trapped and caged.  So in order to make those feelings go away, they self destruct the marriage.

Men of this yoke usually suffer from what is called an insecure attachment style.  They are usually not good marriage material because they inherently have problems with connecting on an emotional level.

So when a husband initiates a breakup, it can happen in all sorts of ways, but the common denominator is there is a “break” in the bond.  Something is wrong and whatever it is has to be ferreted out and addressed.

So What Does It Mean For You When He Leaves?

what it means when he leaves you

Well, as I alluded to earlier, I prefer to look at things in the frame of the glass is more than half full.  If your husband leaves you, then it brings out into the open that something is very wrong.

While the act of him deserting can be incredibly painful, imagine how much pain and suffering could accumulate if the marriage rocked along for years with neither party satisfied.

Sometimes the shock of something happening is in itself a potential remedy to the problem.

It forces the husband and wife to examine and re-examine their priorities and if they seek to mend the broken fences, it causes them to do so with a sense of renewed purpose.

How You Shouldn’t React When He Walks Out

how you shouldn't act when he breaks it off

If your husband actually left you, for starters don’t panic.

It is not the end of the world as you know it.  You have your life.

You have love for other people in your life and others love you.

Far worse things can happen to you.  And just possibly, your husband’s choice to drop out of the relationship could be a blessing.  You may discover later that he has done you the biggest favor of your life.

Don’t make any decisions about meaningful things until you have had an opportunity to absorb what has happened, why it happened, and what you might want in your life going forward.

Chances are that you will feel panicky and the need to do something impulsively will dominate your mood for a spell.  Tap down those feelings. They will get you in trouble and you will come to regret decisions or actions you undertake without reasoning through the potential outcomes.

What you should be doing is surrounding yourself with those who love you. Pull them in your  emotional orbit.  Remain active and find some new activities and routines you can incorporate into your life.

Remember, when you provide yourself with a diverse set of experiences and surround yourself with people you love and love you, happiness will come into your life.

In time, the pieces of your life will fall back into place and you will have a much clearer picture of what you want to do, with or without your ex husband.

Should You Take Him Back?

should you take husband back

Remember, if your husband walked out of the marriage, he in effect deserted you and the life the two of you built together.

That is a pretty big deal.  So don’t be in too much of a hurry to take him back if the opportunity presents itself.

When a marriage craters because the husband has left the wife, the healing process should be lengthy.

I am a big fan of taking little steps in such matters.

He will need to not only romance you back, as if you were dating for the first time, he should also acknowledge the mistakes he has made and counseling may be in order.

But I don’t want you to forget that you too probably have some things you need to work on as well to make the marriage connection all that much stronger.

Rarely is the downfall of a relationship completely due to only one person’s action.

Sometimes it not worth taking your husband back.

During the period you are alone, you will need to do some serious thinking about what you want out of the relationship going forward and you will need to ask yourself if your estranged husband can truly provide it to you.

Sometimes men cannot change their stripes.  They are bound to repeat the same mistakes over and over again and you are left trying to pick up the pieces.

If you can look into the past history of the two of you being a couple and much of what you see is a marriage frequently on the rocks, then you really need to ask yourself why you keep repeating the same mistakes.

Perhaps you are thinking, “No Chris, my husband is the one making the mistakes, I am just trying to keep this marriage together”.  But have you ever ask yourself about whether your forgiveness of your husband’s mistakes over and over gain is not a mistake on your end?  Perhaps it is and what you are doing is enabling this awful predicament to play out in a bad way over and over again.

It can be really hard for you to walk away from your husband for good.

There can be many reason for this ranging from psychological, emotional, financial, social and for the sake of the family.

But if you can look at the past and see far too much ruin, then it might be time for you to say “No, I am not going to allow myself to be dragged through unhappiness. I am not going to take him back.  Our love will be a different love and it will be from afar”. 

My Husband Never Takes My Side

It is perfectly reasonable to expect that you and your husband will disagree.  I have never met a husband and wife that saw eye to eye on all issues.

But what if your husband never takes your side?  What do you do if you feel like the man your are married to has little respect for your viewpoint?

Do you ever feel your husband undermines your position?

Do you ever feel like your husband pushes your viewpoint to the side so that he can advance his own?

And worst, if you are trying to make a point in front of friends or family, does your husband frequently cut your off or disagree with you in full?  Are you ever made to feel small or insignificant?

he does not have my back

It can be real problem when you feel your husband doesn’t defend you.  It is important in a well-functioning marriage that your husband has your back on the big issues the two of you may confront.

Conflict in this area can exasperate other marital difficulties.  Here is post that walks you through how you can avoid ongoing differences of opinion.

How To Avoid Fighting And Conflict In Your Marriage

Sure, there will be cases in which the two of you will disagree.  And perhaps you will be at odds against each other on a particular matter.

This will happen in all marriages and how you resolve your differences is an important part of this overall discussion.

The problem I see that comes into play with some marriages is when the husband (or wife) seldom takes your side of the discussion.  It can be painful when it seems your husband goes way out of his way to disagree with your points.

What drives your man to behave in this fashion?

Sometimes the catalyst to this behavior is your husband’s ego.  He may be psychologically ill-equipped to take your side or support you because he feels he has to be first to a solution.

His insecurity may be at a level where if he thinks you have arrived at a better answer or solution, he will be driven to take the opposite view.    Hence, your husband may be emotionally inclined to disagree for the sake of boosting his ego and gratification.

Why Won’t Your Husband Stand Up For You?

making him care about your views

All men and women have certain buttons that if you push, bad and angry things can come pouring out.

When your husband refuses to take up for you, that can really get under your skin.   I know some people who when their spouse stabs them in the back, can come unglued.  And that is what it feels like to some when their husband or wife chooses not to take their side on a critical issue.

But why would your man not be in your corner when you need him to be?

He must know how much it hurts, right?  You put yourself out there and expect support, but then he pulls the carpet out from under you.  It can feel like you are betrayed.  And when you are involved in something that is really important to you and you need your husband to be there for you and he is not, it only serves to drive a wedge between the two of you.  Trust erodes.

So why would he do such a thing?  What is in him that make him that way in your time of need.  Is it really asking that much for your husband to stand up for you?

Let’s examine some of the possible reasons why your husband is disposed to leave you hanging out there in the wind, so to speak.

You are Married To a Disagreeable Sort of Guy

One possibility for your spouse’s behavior is that he just so happens to be a kind a guy that disagrees with you for the sake of simply taking the opposite view. It may be his nature to be argumentative and critical of you and others.  I call this the “Nasty Complex”.  If you are married to a mean kind of guy or if your husband seems unable to empathize with you on such matters, then he is suffering from the nasty complex and is in need of an attitude adjustment.

Petty Jealousy May Cause Him to Back Off of His Support

Sometimes small and petty jealousies can creep into the marriage and over time these feelings can gain traction.  Where you see them emerge is during those occasions when you would expect your husband to have your back. When he doesn’t stick up for you, you feel crushed by his demonstration of petty jealousy.  Your husband could also be selfish and doesn’t want you to be credited for insightful opinions.  When jealousy meets selfishness, you have a really toxic combination.

Your Guy Could Simply Be Mean and Cynical

It is sad but true that sometimes you end up marrying a guy who is simply cynical.  Is your man a “glass if half empty” kind of guy?  If he often finds fault with just about everything and can seldom be counted on to do the right thing by you, then you are hooked up with a mean and cynical man.   Why he is this way is a lengthy conversation.  It may be that his cynical nature is part of his personality.  He may think he is just being realistic or pragmatic or truthful or whatever he tells himself.  But for you, his behavior and lack of support hurts and lacks in loyalty.

Your Spouse May Be Insecure

Sometimes guys just don’t have it all together.  They can be betrayed by their insecurities.  So your husband may hesitate to come to your defense because he is unsure if it is the right thing to do.  His uncertainty and insecurity can sometimes blind him to do what he really needs to do….namely stand up in support of what you are saying or doing.

Your Husband Wants Obedience

It can be a tough chore to be married to a guy who insists the is always right and you are wrong.  If your husband is convinced he knows all and is the supreme authority on all things, then he most likely is a narcissist.  Some men insist on having all the personal power in the marriage  in order to make themselves feel  more powerful and in more in control.  They will undercut their wife to further their own aims.

If you ever feel you and your lover are really struggling in your relationship due to his lack of support, then tap into this post for some further insights:

Marriage Survival For Struggling Couples

How Important is Loyalty and Support in Marriage

my husband is not loyal

Are you dealing with a husband that is less than loyal to you?  What does that really mean?

It turns out loyalty in marriage means different things to different people.

Recently I did an informal survey asking my clients who were happily and unhappily married what they thought about the subject of loyalty and support in marriage. I asked them to describe what loyalty felt and looked like from their persective.

This is what they told me.

“Loyalty in a relationship is vital.  If my husband did not stand by my side on the important issues we have gone through, I really would be bitterly disappointed. When I can depend on him it means the world to me.”

“You know loyalty is down the drain in your marriage when your husband doesn’t have your back.  Once I told my spouse to not back off the discipline we were dishing out to one of  our children.  To be clear, it wasn’t anything over the top like a spanking. Rather, I just wanted him to back me up when we did a time out with my child.  Then he goes off and plays with her in her room which defeats the whole purpose of what we are trying to teach her.  Our marriage is not really down the tubes, but I really get angry when I can’t count on him to stand by the things we agree to.”

“Getting reliable support from my husband is important to me.  I feel loved when I can count on him and when I know he will act upon what he says he will do.  It takes away the anxiety I build up.  Tell your ladies that if their guy is not going to be there for them over and over again, then that spells disaster and they might as well start looking for an exit strategy.”

What Do You Do If You Feel Your Husband Is Always Against You

my man won't back me up

The other day I heard from a woman who was in tears.  She was explaining that “her boyfriend never takes my side and I hate him for that”.  She walked me through all of the cases in which he wormed his way out of backing her up.

I asked why she thought her man wouldn’t  stick up for her.  She explained that she believed it was a character flaw her husband had and when he won’t do the right thing, it becomes a race to the bottom.  She admitted it is a huge pet peeve for her and wondered what, if anything, she could do to get him to realize that he is poisoning the marriage.

As you know, there will always be occasions when neither you or your hubby will see eye to eye.  And I think that is healthy.  You don’t want your man to agree with everything you say and do, otherwise the communication between the two of you would be less than honest.

Differences on how to handle things or interpret certain developments will always be present in a healthy marriage.

The problem comes into play if you come to believe that your husband seldom takes your side, particularly on the important matters in a relationship.  After all, we all want to feel secure that we won’t be undercut by our spouse every time we deal with something meaningful and important.

And if you are walking out on a limb, taking a risk, you will really want your husband’s backing.  If he makes a habit of pulling the carpet out from under you, no doubt you will feel less sure of yourself.

You sure don’t want to worry about your husband shooting down your thoughts or trying to put you in your place as part of some kind of mind game.

So what can you do about it?

First off, if this kind issue starts creeping into your marriage, then you should nip it in the bud immediately.  It is possible your husband is not aware that he habitually criticises you on positions you take.  There could be a whole host of reasons for why he behaves the way he does.  He may be critical by nature.  He may be insecure with himself as we discussed earlier in this post.  Whatever the cause, you should convey immediately to your husband in clear language what he is doing and the effect it has on you.

For example:

Honey, you may not realize it fully but you shot my position down in front of our friends.  I know you were nitpicking and probably did not mean anything by it, but it hurts me inside when I don’t feel supported.  At the very least, you can try to be more tactful.  Talk to me later if need be, but please don’t embarrass me in mixed company.”

There is a good chance your husband is not even aware of how he is being perceived. He probably does not appreciate how important it is to you to feel emotionally supported on those matters you strongly advocate for.

What If He Just Doesn’t Get It and Does It Over and Over Again?

If your husband’s continues to refuse to offer support and continues to undermine your position, another alternative is to take a half day off.  Or maybe it is a full day.  You will know what feels right.

In effect, you are upping the ante.  He will be learning that his frequent behavior of not having your back and supporting you has consequences.

Write your husband a note, explaining in detail the latest example of his lack of support and summarize the other examples of your husband’s failure to support you and your side or view of things.  Describe again what behavior you expect from him.

In closing, tell your spouse that you are extremely disappointed in his behavior and you need some time for yourself.   Leave it somewhere for him to find. Take some time off.  Stay with a friend.   If you are going to turn it into a 24 hour period, check into a hotel.  Essentially, what you are doing is raising the issue again, but in a more serious way.

You may think, “Well, Chris, isn’t this a bit dramatic”?

Sure, there is some staging associated with this approach. But the idea is you are trying to raise the awareness of this issue in your husband’s mind.  You want to make this issue something that registers with him as being extremely important to you.

In no way are you using threatening language or ultimatums. Rather, what you are doing is telling him exactly how you feel and putting distance between you and your husband.   You want your husband to speculate about just exactly what you might do next.  Again, you would not take this approach unless you have made multiple efforts to work out this problem with your spouse.

So what will you do next?

Well, it depends.  There is a good chance your husband may reach out to you to try to discuss things while you are away.  I see that in a lot of cases.  Don’t be too quick to respond back.

Eventually, if he is seeking to contact you, close the loop with your husband.  If he appears to be wearing the “right attitude” about what is happening and wishes to meet and talk with you in person, then do so, but do it at a neutral place (not your home).  By changing the environment where you will have a discussion about this issue, you underscore its importance to you and the relationship.

Your husband may not respond for a while or not at all.  That is fine in the short run. He may be put off by what has happened.  But the point is your are making a point with your husband.  Whether he is ready at that time to admit that this matter is important, eventually he will realize it is important to you.

Eventually you will return home to resume you normal routines and if he has not already, he will get around to asking you what it was all about. Be yourself. Be positive, but be firm.  He need to understand that you were not just throwing a hissy fit, but rather that you are fed up with him not having your back.

Now, he may play dumb. He may pretend nothing really happened.  He may play the blame game.  He may avoid even getting into the topic.

Look, how your husband reacts and behaves is unpredictable to some degree. But don’t allow him to try to turn it all around and complain or blame you for making things worse.

You have done nothing but take some personal time for yourself.  You have not maligned him and nor have done anything wrong.  You are trying to create an environment, after having tried numerous times in the past, to get him to realize you don’t appreciate not being supported.

If he gets nasty or means spirited or tries to change the topic, then don’t get drawn into that fight.  If necessary, take another 24 hours for yourself.

If your husband really cares and loves you, he will eventually come to terms that this matter is really important to you and he had best play ball.

My Marriage is Broken – How Do I Start Over

Marriage is a word that speaks to bonds.

Love is a bond.  As man and wife, we become one.

When we get married, our hopes and dreams is that we will forever live in happiness, closely bonded to the man (or woman) we love.

We never imagine a day when our marriage is broken.  It just seems inconceivable that the man or woman we love would ever become our enemy.

The notion of having to start over so your marriage has a second chance is the last thing we would dwell on.

So thoughts of a loveless and broken relationship just does not even enter our mind.

And why should it.  It is not conducive to having a successful marriage if we are plagued with worries that the relationship will be torn asunder.

Such thoughts should be cast out of our minds because such negativity can feed on itself, right?

After all, all couples will encounter setbacks and challenges.  Why must we even consider the prospect of starting over.

What does that even mean?  Is there ever a time when we should be worried that things are going down the toilet?

How do you even know if your marriage is in the danger zone?

And what do you do if you are sure your marriage is failing and needs a major reboot?

How do you overcome the pain and fear of seeing your marriage go down the tubes?

When can be you be sure that the Marriage is over?

And is there a way you can make good again on the promise to love and cherish and forever remain in each other’s hearts?

marriage running away from you

A lot questions about the solidarity of our marriage can occupy our minds when things seem to be going sour.

I don’t think a marriage is over just because your outlook is bleak.  It is not unusual to find yourself down in the dumps if you can’t imagine living with your husband (or wife) much longer.

But nor do I believe you should stick it out to the very bitter end if you are roiled in a marriage where you are miserable.

So what should you do about it?  One thing I want you to do is take a look at this post if you have not read it yet.  It is full of key principles you should follow to save a marriage in trouble.

How To Save Your Troubled Marriage

I guess we should start with what might be the signs of a failing marriage.  After all, one should have an idea of what it looks like when the marriage is really kaput or nearly over for good.

As we walk through the different signs or indicators of a failing marriage just know that on the whole, a marriage usually does not slide into oblivion on the basis of a few things going wrong.  And seldom can your write off a marriage based on the amount of time things have been going horribly.  Though that is an important consideration.

To say the least, there are many factors which influence the erosion of a couple’s relationship.  We are going to explore some of these things and then we are going to talk about what you and your spouse can do to pull your marriage out of its downward spiral.

Deal?

OK, so let’s get started.

What Are The Signs and Indications of a Crappy Marriage?

what are the signs of a bad marriage

I think one way to understand and see when the end is near is through some stories that married women (and men) have shared with me.

I have talked with a lot of married men and women about their struggles. Sometimes they can really get down on themselves.  And that is understandable if you feel like you are stuck in a marriage with no escape.

For example, a relationship can disintegrate rapidly to a place of no return if your husband (or wife) emotionally abuses you.  It is a common occurrence. Sadly, emotional abuse involving husband and wife is more pervasive than people realize.

Many marriages also break down due to extramarital affairs or emotional affairs of the heart.  The impact of having a cheating spouse can be jarring and long-lasting.

Let’s take a wife’s unique perspective.

A married woman wants to feel she can trust her husband and it is also important she feel safe.  These two things operate in unison.  It is difficult to feel safe and secure if trust has eroded.

Trust in marriage is something that should resemble a great wall.

As time passes, trust should grow and solidify.

But if over the course of the relationship, bitter arguments and poor treatment become the norm, trust can been severed. The couple will not only feel split along these lines of conflict, but also their trust in each other will be broken.

So trust in marriage is powerful.   The lack of trust is common thread in marriages that are breaking down and falling apart.

You trust that your husband loves you and will take care of helping you when you need support.

You trust that he will be there for you in the present and long in the future.

And you trust that your husband will have your back and will not betray you.

Take trust out of the love equation and the marriage will cease to be a healthy relationship.

Let’s  drill down deeper and consider what some of my clients have said when they grappled with the question of whether they should start over.

I just don’t have any feelings of love for him.  It has been exhausting living with someone who rarely shows any affection.  This has been rocking along for a few years now and it is just getting worse.  I know I made a terrible mistake marrying him and I want out.  We fight all the time.  He is cruel and uncaring.  His friends tell me he is cheating on me.  I can’t rely on him.  Should I ask for a divorce and move out or is there something else I should be doing? Is there a reset marriage button?”

I am miserable living with him.  We never really had much of a courtship.  I was young and impressionable and got married too fast.  I am thinking of leaving him because I have seen enough about what kind of man he really is and I just don’t want to be married to somebody I have no respect for.  I am tired of his lies and I know he is having an affair. There is no trust and never will be.  I know he hates me and can be vindictive.  I can’t live this way anymore.  I never realized I would end up with a guy who constantly tells me things I know are untrue.” 

The fight we had last night was the final straw.  My husband will never change. He wants to control every single thing about me.  I am afraid to be myself.  When I get my courage up to speak up, he pushes me down and either lectures me or tells me he is disgusted.  He acts like he despises me when I have done nothing to deserve such harsh treatment.  He has been married before and they broke up for the same reasons.  I stuck my head in the sand while it was playing out in front of me every day. The man is a control freak and I really need to get away from him and need your advice on how to do it.”

I left my husband in spirit a few years ago.  We are still married, but I love another man.  What drove me to fall in love with this other man was my husband’s affairs.  Even now he still sees other women when it suits him.  He has no clue as to my affair and that is perfectly fine by me.  I am not one of those women who want to punish him with the knowledge that I get my love and sexual satisfaction from another guy.  Not because I am above being cruel.  To be honest, I am not without fault.  But I love this other man and I want to build a life with him.  But I also still love my husband and don’t know how and when I should pull the trigger to end our marriage.”

Many of the complaints I get from women who are on the edge of quitting their marriage usually follow a similar pattern.  While not all of these outcomes may describe your circumstance, if you find your marriage is plagued with several of these situations, it is likely your marriage is in serious trouble.

  • The couple has had a long history of ugly fights.
  • One or both married partners may be having issues with being emotionally unfaithful or outright cheating.
  • The couple is experiencing an ongoing loss of trust
  • A spouse is dealing with a significant loss of respect for her lover.  This issue around loss of respect usually does not unfold as a result of a singular incident, but rather occurs over time due to multiple events and behaviors.
  • When there is little to no kindness or appreciation offered within the marriage, the chances of a successful long-term relationship is poor.
  • Your husband (or wife) is a total and absolute control freak.  You feel imprisoned and incapable of making decisions for yourself.  Your ideas and opinions are usually snuffed out.  And when you try to assert yourself, your husband (or wife) aggressively pushes you back down in an effort to limit any input or autonomy you wish to assert.

When The Marriage Is Breaking Bad Should You Start Over?

hanging on to your love

Now we have arrived at a crossroads.

When is it time to toss in your chips and cash out?

When can you be reasonably certain that it is in your best interest to go a different direction?  And when can you be certain that you have given your marriage every opportunity to succeed?

You can be sure that the success of you marriage will be challenged by forces that neither of you fully understand and you and your husband (or wife) will suffer hardships and setbacks.

Whether you are a woman or guy, take a look at this article I wrote a while back.  It offers you a marriage survival guide.

How To Get Over Your Ex Husband – Marriage Survival Guide

So throwing in the towel prematurely and not working to mend what is broken can be a big mistake.

But nor am I an advocate of going down with the ship.

It takes two to make a marriage successful.

Sometimes, despite one’s best intentions, two people are not able to make it work.  Men and women make mistakes in who they chose to marry and it can be a mistake to cling to a relationship that continually falters, despite your best efforts.

If you have given your all to your marriage and committed yourself to genuine efforts over a lengthy period of time to work on your shared problems, that speaks volumes.

If after all your efforts serious problems persist, something else needs to happen.

Without knowing any of the specifics of your personal situation, it is impossible to provide definitive advice on whether you should break it off permanently with your husband (or wife) or if you should try an entirely different approach.

Think about your options holistically.

Let’s take the case of a woman whose husband has been emotionally abusive over a long period of time.  Let’s assume that the type of emotional abuse she is subjected to is hateful and occurs with frequency.  Assume the couple has been married for several years and despite the woman pleas for them both to get marriage counseling, the abuse has only gotten worse.  Now the wife is miserable and feels lost and hopeless.

On the face of it, it would seem the marriage is very much on the rocks and arguably has been suffering for years, despite the wife’s efforts to get help.  The relationship is dysfunctional.

So one would ask why should the wife persist in trying to make the marriage work.  How much suffering is enough?  It would seem appropriate to advise the wife to leave her husband.  Seems simple, doesn’t it.

Unfortunately, nothing is simple in marriage.

The wife, while she may be suffering the pain of poor marriage, may also still love her husband very much.  There may be extenuating circumstances that cause her to hold on to her marriage.  Some of the reasons can be deeply psychological (e.g. emotional dependency) and other could be more practical such as the social fabric of the family if children are involved or her financial well-being.

So what may be in the wife’s best interest is usually a very complicated question.

Usually, in my view, one’s personal happiness outweighs most other factors. Emotional dependency is  real thing, but it is a condition that can be addressed and treated over time.

Separation and divorce can certainly have an adverse negative impact on the children if not managed properly, but children can also be impacted negatively if they live in an unhealthy marital environment.  Financial considerations are worthy of close scrutiny, but they should not outweigh the other factors.

Sometimes it is best to break clean from a marriage.

But another path one can try before breaking away from a dysfunctional marriage is trying to do something that hopefully will be transformative.

Is Starting Over With Your Husband or Wife Possible?

is starting over possible

So how can you start a marriage over, without breaking it completely?

Should you and your husband simply agree that the marriage is suffering terribly, so let’s reset and start over, putting the past behind you?  Perhaps you can put it in writing and swear by it.

Is it really that easy?  Has it ever worked?

It does sound good.

And many well-intentioned couples will tell each other they want to start the relationship with a clean slate and actually try to pull it off.  But more often than not, such promises ring hollow, perhaps not in the moment they were made, but eventually the problems that existed before surface and cause conflict.

Is there another way to get a second chance at making the marriage work?

Perhaps.

I believe that in some circumstances, particularly when the stakes are high, it becomes necessary to jar someone’ sense of routine.  If you are unhappily married, despite whatever it is that is causing you to be unhappy, you and your husband (or wife) are engaged in routines.

A big change to the marriage equation would be upsetting the routines, without utterly destroying or ending the marriage.

Let’s go back to the husband that is the “emotional abuser”.  Doing something to interrupt all the routines would usually get’s the full attention of the spouse.  If the marriage is a mighty ship, consider such an action a shot across the bow.

Something needs to happen to enforce the belief in your spouse that you are willing to end it all.

If one considers a marriage as being over as the “Big Breakup” (i.e. this being your final trump card), then the intervention I am talking about would be the “Minor Breakup”.

In a way, you are giving your husband one last chance, but it is not in the form of a do over or a “let’s give it another try agreement”.

The intervention I speak of would have to be a case in which you express your utter dissatisfaction with the marriage and your desire to take an extended time out from each other.  This could involve asking our husband to temporarily move out of the house or if you don’t think that would fly, then you could temporarily move out yourself.

The relationship intervention would assume that coming back together again would be predicated on certain things such as you both living apart for a while and if you both later agree to resume the marriage, it would be under the condition that you both attend marital counseling.

For some couples, a condition of resuming the relationship could be something symbolic such as them both agreeing to a written set of principles of how they will treat each other.

There is nothing that I can point to as a plan that is fool-proof when it comes to how to avoid a complete marriage break up.  And starting the marriage over sounds good in principle, but in practice it can fall way short of success.

Sometimes you need to do something big and meaningful to create an impact to change the way the marriage  has operated in the past.

It reminds of the solution employed by those who extinguish a runaway fire in an oil well.  There are different methods that can be employed to stop the flame from consuming the well.  But sometimes the best way to stop the burning flame is to set charges and explode the well.  That act can finally extinguish the flame, allowing the operator to rebuild the well.

If your relationship is flawed, sometimes you need to break the mold that formed the marriage, then build it up again with a new set of principles and commitment.

This approach doesn’t always work, but if you are at the end of your rope, it might be worth trying

 

 

 

Why is My Husband Selfish and So Mean To Me

I often hear from women who tell me their husband is mean spirited.  They complain that their husband is arrogant and inconsiderate.  It is not easy living with a husband who seldom says a kind word.

Matters of the heart can be further complicated if your spouse is also selfish and pretentious.

How can you live happily with a husband that treats you as if you are a second class citizen?

Does your guy arrogantly prance around the house like he is the king of the house?

If you were to hold a vanity contest, would your husband win hands down?

How do you cope if your guy is frequently putting you down, making you feel less valued.

What do you do when his focus is always on himself and your needs are seldom considered?

The other day I wrote a post about not being able to stand your husband. Is it wort hit being married and miserable?  I get into that topic here in this article…

I Can’t Stand My Husband: Married and Miserable

These are just some of the questions I get on a daily basis from women who have invested their heart and soul to make the marriage successful, only to find that their husband is not even willing to meet them half way.

The common denominator is many of these women married a guy who is seriously hung up on himself and when something goes wrong, their selfish husband finds it easy to criticize or blame them.

I Didn’t Know I Was Marrying A Narcissist

are you stuck with a narcissist

When you get married, at the ceremony you are told and expect to be loved and cherished.  But if you are treated like your worries and concerns matter little, then something is terribly wrong the relationship.

And worse, if your husband makes it a habit to pick on you or yell at you when things get off kilter, that does little to build a stronger bond.

I talk with women everyday who over time have found themselves stuck with a husband who seems to care little for their wife’s needs and is entirely focused on advancing his own agenda.

Building and sustaining trust is a huge part of marriage success.

Yet if your husband is doing little to make you feel like you can trust him to be there for you when you really need support or if he is the type of guy who is controlling and acts like all that matters is his personal and professional goals, such a marriage is usually not sustainable.

At least it is not going to last very long if you value your own needs and aspirations.

Unfortunately, some women get trapped into thinking that they must please their husband for things to be right.  That just go on making sacrifices. As as the years go by, they subjugate their own life in return for the hope that their husband will be nice to them.  Or that he will change.

Such a lifestyle in which the wife becomes a subordinate to their husband is usually not marriage healthy.

Of course there are exceptions.  For example, certain couples may have very strong cultural or religious reasons for why they carve out their roles in a way that many of us would consider non traditional.

In those instances, the relationship can work.  Though I wonder just how fulfilling a marriage can be if the balance of power between the couple is lopsided.

What Does the Power Balance Look Like in Your Marriage?

balance of power in the marriage

I have always believed that when one of the spouses has most of the personal power within the marriage, it usually leads to emotional abuse of some kind.

If the man you are married to seems to be trying to control everything in the marriage and makes all of the important decisions, insisting that things have to be a certain way, then you have arrived at the intersection of a controlling and selfish based relationship.

What I would like to do is explore why a husband resorts to selfishness and other unattractive behaviors.

It is easy to get lost in your marriage after some years as habits and routines begin to form your life.  So you may not even realize your husband is the “selfish one” in the marriage.  Or perhaps you know it, but you continue to act out your role as dutiful wife, setting aside your own needs at the expense of some kind of marital bliss.

First let me clarify something.   What is selfishness?  And how is it manifested in a marriage?

To be sure, both men and women are capable of exhibiting many selfish behaviors.  Even in the strongest of marriages, there will be occasions when one of the spouses will act in a selfish manner.  But it is usually the exception.

In a highly performing marriage, the husband and wife care about ensuring there is balance in personal power.  They check in with each other to see if the other is happy.  They often will give up their own desire to the benefit of their spouse.

What Are the Signs You Should Be on the Look Out For?

signs of a selfish husband

What does it look like when a marriage is suffering from an imbalance of personal power?  And how can that lead to a husband (just as an example) living in a comfort zone in which he can be mean-spirited without fear of repercussions?

So how should you deal with a selfish partner?

Will it be obvious to him that he is behaving selfishly?

Interestingly enough, sometimes the guy you are married to has no clue that he is constantly behaving selfishly.  He may not realize that he puts himself before you almost all of the time.

How can a guy be so unconscious to what his wife sees as obvious selfish tendencies?  Unfortunately it happens with far too much frequency.  Part of it can be due to the person’s core personality.

Did I Marry The Wrong Man For Me?

They may be accustomed to getting things their way and as they develop through life, they learn little about the importance of empathy and showing consideration.  We will get into the makeup of some husbands as I walk you though examples.

Let’s start first with outlining the characteristics of a selfish husband so you have a way of comparing and contrasting how these signs or behaviors relate to your own spouse.

What Does a Selfish Husband Look Like?

my arrogant husband pisses me off

A selfish spouse is one who seldom wants to hear about your day.  It is always about his day and his problems or his accomplishments or his pain and suffering.  The moment you try to talk about yourself, he immediately steers the conversation back to him.  Your spouse may often show annoyance that you were trying to step on his story. This is what I call selfishness in communications.  And it can be a big problem in some marriages.

Such a husband will dwell on what is happening in his life and focus all his attention on getting his needs satisfied.  If you seek to turn the conversation to your own needs, he looks for the exit.

A selfish husband is also a guy that wants you to drop what you are doing and take care of what he thinks is important.  Your time is less valuable in his mind. His time is supremely important in his mind.

If your man seldom does the little things around the house to make life easier (e.g. household chores) and you find yourself doing pulling all of the weight in this department, then your guy is definitely self-centered.

You also know you are married to a self-absorbed husband when he extends his selfishness into the affairs of the bedroom.  Yes, that is right.  While it is not foolproof, one strong indicator of how selfless (or selfish) your husband might be is to what degree he tries to please you sexually, giving of himself to satisfy your needs.

If it is all about him and he does little to stimulate you or is frequently insisting you have sex with him, even if you are not in the mood (or feeling it), such manipulative and self-absorbed behaviors speaks volumes.

If you think your husband is the selfish type, chances are that he is also egotistic.   An egotistical husband is one who thinks everything revolves around him and his aim is to maximize personal pleasure or profit through inflating his own perception of self.

Another aspect of self-centered spouse is when they spend far too much time with how they look and dress.  A big part of their psychological makeup is to constantly get noticed.  So if your man is frequently  soliciting compliments and does little to bolster your self esteem needs, then you should ask yourself how much longer you are willing to tolerate this type of relationship.

Being wrapped up into oneself is rarely a thing to be proud of.  And it is not unusual for a selfish guy to also be narcissistic.  So when both personality traits are present, it can make for a really difficult relationship.

Why do some men act this way?

Why Are Selfish Husbands So Mean To Their Wives?

my spouse picks on me

I am sad to report that too often I see a correlation between selfish acting guys and relationships where such men have all the control and power.

In my view, if your marriage partner is entirely focused on his aims and desires at the expense of your own aspirations and needs, then such a guy is most likely not strong marriage material. He is probably suffers from  narcissistic tendencies.

Why might your spouse behave this way?

There are lots of reasons and sometimes there are limited things you can do to turn them around.

Understand that I am trying not to be overly negative.  Indeed, I do have some suggestions that might make a difference.  But I think it is also wise to be pragmatic about such things.

Let’s explore some of these reasons.

Your Insecure Husband

Some men are really weak inside.  To build up their ego, they will lash out at their wife.  They will say mean things, usually demeaning things in an effort to lift up their own ego.

In a relationship there are opportunities for both partners to lift each other up. If your husband spends more time propping himself up at his wife’s expense, that allows him to feel more powerful and confident.

Your Spouse Lacks of COMMITMENT To Improve His Behavior

It is entirely possible that the meanness is due to a total lack of commitment to improve his behavior.  I have spoken to many women who explained how their husband will talk a good game about doing better and treating them better, but will seldom follow through.

It takes hard work and effort to make a marriage successful. Both spouses have to be fully committed to improve those areas that hinder the relationship from being stronger.

It is a continuous process to keep the marriage solid.  If one or both spouses are not making a good faith effort to hold up their end of making things better, then the bond will suffer.

It Could Be Part of their Core Personality

A husband’s behavior and treatment of his wife is somewhat predicated on his core personality and upbringing.

We become the people that we are over time through our experiences and the things we learn, particularly in our formative years. So it is sad, but true, that if your husband mistreats you and speaks disrespectfully and behaves improperly, a lot of those actions are probably born from his core personality.

So if a husband behaves badly and has a nasty attitude, is it possible he can learn to change his stripes?

Frankly, that is a tough question to grapple with.

We are all capable of changing some of our behavioral patterns and if properly motivated,  most men can modify the aspects of their personality which can create friction in the marriage.

But it is also true that there are many men out there that get set in their ways and other factors can contribute to their lack of willingness to meaningfully change how they interact with their wives.

Are You Simply Married to an Angry Guy?

If you think your husband’s lack of kindness emanates from an anger issue, then I actually think your chances are pretty decent.  I believe with this kind of issue, you and your partner can make some strides.

Unlike a narcissist, a husband who is struggling with bouts of anger is in a better position to get treatment and make improvements.  If your marriage is suffering due to intermittent angry outbursts by your husband, don’t get too down in the dumps.

For sure, his angry episodes is not a good thing, but there is definitely hope for husbands suffering from anger control issues.

Consider this post on the topic.

How To Stop Fighting & Arguing From Ruining Your Marriage

What Can You Do If You Are Trapped in a Selfish Marriage?

sad wife trapped in marriage

For starters, remember that you always have a choice as there are different life paths that lay in front of you.  Unfortunately, many people are blind to their options.

Some women delude themselves into thinking they are trapped in a marriage with a selfish husband who will never change.

But you are not trapped.  There are things you can do within the marriage to try achieve a greater balance in the personal power.

I keep coming back to this discussion of personal power.  It should be equal, with both the husband and wife having essentially the same amount of power or say in how things work within the relationship.

There is hope if your husband too often acts like a bad boy.

But it requires some straight talk.

Sometimes women are uncomfortable talking about something that could be perceived as a negative.  They will hint around about what it is that is bothering them, dropping little tidbits of advice here and there.

But some men are clueless when it comes to recognizing their own shortcomings. Your husband probably won’t pick up on the hints and may not realize how important it is that he modifies his behavior.

Guys are just not that instinctive about such things.

It it sometimes better to deal with the concern you have straight on.  Beating around the bush about the matter that is causing you stress or disappointment usually does not get you to the desired result.

Men are more amenable to hearing bad news or taking constructive advice when they are rested and in a good mood. So seek an opportunity when you can have a private, constructive discussion with your husband explaining the behavior that is bothering you and offering  specific examples of some of his past undesirable actions as well as those behaviors you appreciate and embrace.

So what do you do if your husband is seldom amenable to receiving constructive advice?

What do you do if your husband is simply a mean and selfish partner and is the type of individual that will double down on his ugly behavior?

What are your options if you have tried everything you can think of (including marital counseling) to get your husband to significantly change his ways, yet failed?

When the marriage is suffering to this extent, where do you turn?

Well, there is always formal separation and divorce, but is there anything else you can consider?

As I said, you always have options.

It may not feel like it at this time.

Believe me, I understand.  You may feel emotionally trapped despite your best efforts to change the way your husband behaves in the household.

You may even feel he will just become more abusive no matter what you do.

Create Some Distance Between You and the Offending Partner

One option is to simply tell him you reached your limit of patience.  Explain that given all your many efforts in the past to help him see the errors of his ways, you feel it is best the two of you spend time apart.

Of course you can’t take this approach to helping him learn the importance of changing his behavior unless you are fully prepared to follow through on your assertion.

This is a shot across the bow, so to speak.

Immediately he may want to know what you mean by “spending time apart“. He may get defensive about what led you to make this kind of statement.

Hopefully, your husband realizes the seriousness of the matter and this understanding will lead him to have a meaningful discussion about his treatment of you.

If so, then that is a step in the right direction.

But it is also possible your husband will use this occasion to further criticize and mistreat you.  If this happens, then you have learned an important truth. At this stage it would probably be in your best interest to ask your husband to move out.

Why live with someone who is emotionally abusing you?

In a way, you are making an effort to shift the balance of personal power.  If your husband has been the domineering partner in the marriage, it may serve you well to seek more balance in the relationship.

It is possible he may balk at the idea of moving out and if that happens then your secondary plan would be to move out yourself. Remember, you would not undergo this strategy unless you felt your back was up against the wall and your marriage was on the line.

I think of it as an emergency lifeboat.  You are not telling your husband you want a divorce.  You are not telling him you want to separate in the legal sense of the word.  It is better to characterize what you are proposing as an extended timeout or a long break from each other or spending time away from each other.

I talk about how creating distance and utilizing the No Contact Principle can sometimes help a marriage in certain situations.  You can read up about this principle in this article.

Can You Save Your Marriage With The No Contact Rule?

I am not a big believer that people will make wholesale changes if the environment around them is largely the same.

A kind of intervention is sometimes needed in really tough marital situations.

Don’t be that person who just slogs along and picking up the pieces wile hoping their husband somehow changes his ways.

Sometimes it pays for both of you to get away from each other, then try starting over.

If regular marital habits and routines are broken and the offending person finds themselves alone, that sometimes (over time) serves as a catalyst for the troubled marriage partners to find common ground.

I Can’t Believe My Husband Cheated and Left Me

It is one of the most painful experiences women can have.  You invest your heart and soul in a man you once thought was perfect for you.  Then somewhere along the way of what you believed would be a life of marriage bliss, your husband decides to not only cheat on you, but also leave you.

It is almost a nightmarish kind of episode when you string these two events together.

What could be worse?

I know. It is when a husband cheats and then blames you.  That is also a pretty low blow if your man pulls off that kind of relationship crap.

By the way, let me call your attention to this guide that I wrote that is intended to help those women whose husband has left them.

I Can’t Believe My Husband Deserted Me

Check out Sally’s story down below.   She never imagined she would catch her husband red-handed with another woman.  Nor did she ever believe it possible that he would blame her for the affair.

But he did and by the way, her reaction to her husband’s cheating ways was spot on.  Kudos to her for turning the relationship page.

But let me just reinforce something.  When a guy jumps in bed with another woman, then on his way out of the marriage says it’s all your fault, that is just plain disgusting.

Her case was the closest thing to intolerable cruelty I have come across.

So Where Do You Turn When He Cheats and Leaves You For The Other Woman?

what to do if cheating is happening

What is it in a man that makes him an unreliable mate?  Is there some innate feature that men have that makes them untrustworthy scoundrels?

I sure hope not because seeking to find your soul mate would be a futile journey.

OK, let me correct that.  I know it is not true.

Not all men are untrustworthy.  A husband by definition is not a guy that is wired to pick up women, then trade you in for whatever catches his eye.

Now you may feel your husband is deceitful and manipulative. This may particularly be the case if you are in the middle of the biggest disappointment of your life.

And when you catch him in the act, you may find yourself enraged, fully convinced that men can never be trusted and love is an empty promise.

But that is your anger and emotions talking.

There are literally millions of guys out there and many of are and will be good husbands.  Don’t ever give up on your dream of meeting and marrying a good guy and finding love of the lasting kind.

Love and long-term attachment is real and great marriages exist and you too can be part of that, even if your current relationship is in the dumps.

And think of it this way, if your husband is the cheating sort and is now making noises about leaving you, he may be doing you the favor of your life.

Is it Better To Love and Lost Than Never to Embrace Love At All?

better to love and learn

You, just like many of my clients will encounter lessons learned and setbacks in your love life.

But it is better to have sought the love of your life and fall short, than to never have tried.  The biggest love lesson I can ever teach you is never stop trying to find that connection.  Never stop looking for the right man for you.  He is out there.

I am not just trying to pump you up with platitudes.  The fact is that there are many potential love match ups for you out there in the world.  Your challenge is to take what you have learned about yourself and men in general and seek to find the right guy for you.

Another big lesson in love is not to allow setbacks to drown out your faith that marriage can work.  Plenty of women have fallen way short of what they wanted for their life within a relationship.  So it is an common occurrence.

Be assured that there is love out there for you in all its forms.

You Are Not Alone in Your Suffering

your are not alone in suffering

Let’s take a look at love’s tough lessons just to underscore you are not along. I reached into my vault of case studies.  Let’s hear from a few of my clients about what they experienced.  Later we will talk about what it means to have a husband who betrays you and what you should do if he wants out of the marriage.

Right now you might feel crushed by the whole notion that he has abandoned you.  That will change.

But before we get into all that, let me remind you that I love hearing from you. Below this post, there is an area where you can comment.  I make an effort to get back with all my visitors within a 48 hour period.  So if you have a story to tell about a cheating husband or you have or need a little advice, please weigh in.

So what about some of these clients I mentioned.  What they experienced helps shine some light on the reality that your pain is shared by many others and there is indeed light at the end of the tunnel.

Trish:

Look, there is no way around it. My husband is a dog.  He cheated on me after 4 months of marriage.  As  I look back, I think he was cheating on me when we were dating. I don’t know why I felt so shocked when I first learned of his indiscretions. He never really was the most trustworthy of guys.  So looking back, I really feel stupid that I even got mixed up with him.  He talked a good line and like many women looking for love I just fell for it. I guess the only silver lining is we don’t have any kids and he was only part of my life for 14 months. For any of your women readers out there, I would tell them to cut their losses if their man cheats on them and then tells you he is moving out.  This kind of betrayal speaks volumes and I for one have zero tolerance for any man who acts this way.

Tessie:

It is unbelievable when I look back at how all the pieces came tumbling down. Are most men this way because it’s happened twice to me? Fortunately this time we didn’t get married and when I caught him cheating that was the last straw.  Sure, he left me, but I made him go.  What use is a man that betrays you and lies about it, then behind the scenes  makes preparations to leave you. Stupid me in believing we had something special.  Can you believe I sent my husband a letter after he cheated asking him to explain why he did all these things.  Why do I torture myself?  Where do I turn now?  I think  I know.  I am better off with out him.  I know there has to be another man…a better man out there for me.

Chrissie:

I still can’t believe what my husband did.  We had a good thing going and then it all comes tumbling down because he could not keep his hands off this young thing he met. I hate him to this day and when he left me I told him good riddance. Why should I trust a man again.  I gave him everything of me and he goes out and finds it elsewhere.  I know I need to turn the page because every time I think of what he did to our lives it makes me physically sick. I know I need help as I having trouble putting it behind me.  Should I try to forget about it all?  I am not sure how? I am still haunted by why he would do this.  Is there ever a way to know what really happened.  I no longer believe a word my husband tells me about the affair.  

Sally:

You just won’t believe it.  I came home early one evening and find my husband naked walking around the house.  He was over by the window curtains looking out because he must have heard me coming in.  When I saw the look on his face, I knew something was terribly wrong.  First I thought he was acting out on some pornographic thing he was up to.  But seconds later, a young women peers around the corner, then hurries back to the guest bedroom.   For a moment I had this pathetic thought that it was not what it seemed.  But before I could process things any further, my husband proceeds to blame me for coming home early as if to excuse his cheating ways.  unbelievable.  Then he made it out like I was not attending to his needs.  In one breath he was trying to tell me that he was not in love with this other woman, it was just the sex they shared.  Then in the next breath he tells me I pushed him to the edge and wants out.  Whatever he wants me to believe, it does not change the fact that my husband cheated on me and I don’t think I love him anymore. Why should I?  I think I know what you are going to tell me.   I think I need to start doing things for me and  I don’t think I want this man in my life anymore.  Life is far too short to spend it with a mistake. 

When He Cheats On You Embrace Your Feelings First – Then Embrace Yourself

love and embrace yourself

Where does a women turn when she feels gutted by her husband’s decision to break the trust?

Should she erase her husband from her live forever?  Should she allow herself to reflect on the possibly of getting back with him?

After all, he is a cheater, right?  Is it even possible to fall in love again with your husband after doing such a thing?

Further complicating matters are those men who can’t even come to terms with the gravity of what they did and how it has threatened the sustainability of the marriage.   That is almost as bad as a husband who won’t even admit he cheated on you.

What is one to do with all those feelings that are sometimes in conflict with each other.

The short answer is you need to move away from the negativity.

To many women find themselves trapped in a web of negative emotions, particularly those involve forms of self blame.

Escaping from feelings that you may have done something wrong (which is hogwash) and juggling an assortment of negative, self-destructive emotions is clearly what you want to avoid.

There is something I want you to try to release yourself from the grip of the utter contempt you might feel for your husband right now along and with the other soul crushing emotions like resentment, disdain, and hatred.

You see, you do not want to become a prisoner to the awful feelings that will envelope you after learning that your husband can’t keep it in his pants.  Don’t let your husband’s stupid and senseless decision tear away at your soul.

Now, I am not saying there is a foolproof way to stop feeling the pain (emotional and physical) of betrayal.  Experiencing such negative feelings and thoughts is not outside the norm.  Your aim is to find away to massage them out of your mind so the negativity and sadness doesn’t pull you down to a place of depression.

After all, you still have a life to live and you don’t want to waste any more time than necessary feeling terrible.

How do you accomplish this?  What kind of Houdini act will you need to pull to somehow put what your husband did into perspective so it doesn’t continually gnaw at you.

News Flash!   Making thoughts of your husband’s unfaithfulness leave your mind will never happen.  It is important though to recognize how that eventually you will need to make a decision on whether you still want to go forward in marriage with your husband knowing that he cheated and could do it again.

For now,  don’t try to get ahead of yourself.

Right now, your focus should be on getting through the next few days.  This is particularly the case if your situation is like some of my clients whose husbands not only cheated on them, but moved out.

There is technique I want you to try.  It has to do with embracing your own feelings.

Too often, women who are rebounding from a marriage torn asunder by betrayal, will try to push their pain completely out of the mind.  They may delude themselves with notions that what has happened really isn’t so bad.

Or worse, they may betray their own real feeling, pretending that they are really not reeling from pain.  Sometimes, as a coping mechanism, a woman can turn a blind eye to their own suffering.

I think that is a mistake.  What has happened to you (if your husband cheated and left you) is an awful experience.  You should be grieving.  This kind of betrayal and abandonment is a heavy load for anyone to bear.  In the beginning stages of your grief, you should embrace your pain fully.

If you supremely hurt because of what your husband did, then experience your hurt fully.  Cry with passion.  Let it all out.

Find a big pillow or large stuffed bag and start punching it.  Scream.  Get it out in a way that works for you.  But do in it in privacy.

Now practically speaking, before you have the mother of all pity parties, you need to give consideration to going somewhere so you can let  it all out with full privacy.  You sure don’t want the neighbors thinking you are going nuts or are under attack.

But you get the idea here I think.  You can’t let those emotions get the best of you.  If you contain them and ignore them, they will.  So purge them.

One technique that might work for you if you are having a lot of negative thoughts about your self-worth because of what you husband did is something I call the Absurdity Rant.

Here is how it works.  Just start talking smack about yourself for sixty seconds. You might be thinking, “why would I want to  berate myself?”  Well, the answer is if you are already internalizing a lot of negative thoughts about what has happened to you and that you may never get your husband back, etc, etc, then sometimes it is best to just go on a rampage vocalizing aloud these negative thoughts so you can hear for yourself how absurd your thoughts truly are.

You see, that is the point.  Once you start saying out loud all of the awful thoughts that are in your mind, you in effect exorcise them from your person.

In fact it his hard to keep a straight face after you do this for a minute or so. When you hear your own self negative thoughts spoken, you realize just how stupid they are and how pointless it is to constantly beat yourself up.

For example, if you are secretly thinking, “My husband cheated and betrayed me because I deserve it.”  Or “I am so worthless, even my spouse doesn’t want me anymore”.

If you find these kind of negative feelings coursing through your mind, then you need to get rid of them.  And one way to accomplish that is through an Absurdity Rant.

Be Your Own Best Friend After the Affair

be your own friend in tough times

So if you want to get all of the venom and negative energy out of your system you need to commit yourself to an emotional pivot.  The truth is that whatever happened with your husband was his doing.  You are not responsible for his poor decision.   Your focus should now be on recovery.  So be your own best friend.  Treat yourself with tender loving care.

Tell yourself a supreme relationship truth.

Do you care to know what it is?

The truth is that you have control of your attitude and mood.  You have many options in front of you and things can get better, with or without your husband being part of your life.  When you embrace a positive outlook and immerse yourself in positive and fulfilling experiences, then the chances of good things coming from your choices is much greater.

If your husband has chosen to cheat on you and not be part of your life, then it is his loss.  Because after all (and this is how you should think) you could have made his life wonderful.   Now you have a chance to make your own life even more wonderful than it would have been with your untrustworthy husband.

Embrace opportunities to re-engage in all those things that you really enjoy doing.  As your own best friend, ask yourself how you would like to be treated. Then do those things for yourself.

Should I Beg For My Husband To Stay and Not Leave Me?

One of the greatest fears of a loving and devoted wife is that her husband might leave her.

That he might just call it quits.

There are many things that can go awry between two people.

Look.  I understand. One of your biggest fears is that if your husband leaves you, he will never return.  Living with that fear in your heart can cause you to act impulsively and as a result stumble.

After all, you have a lot invested in your husband and the last thing you want to ever happen is for him to walk out of your life.

But you have to be careful you don’t become a victim of your own fears.

Such thoughts can lead to problematic behaviors such as pleading and begging for your man to stay and not leave you.

You might find yourself at a crossroads.  You might even be thinking about how you can encourage your husband to leave.  If you fall in this specific camp, take a look at this article I recently wrote.

How To Get My Husband To Leave Me – He Won’t Go!

Some of these feelings are triggered by insecurities and fears that are spurred on by thoughts that something must be terribly wrong with the relationship and the worst will happen if he walks out.

don't hold on too tight

It certainly is possible something is wrong with the marriage. But panicking and resorting to desperate measures to hold on too tight is counter productive.

When the marriage appears to be on the rocks, one’s mind can start racing, taking on a life of its own.

Unfortunately, when all seems lost, it is easy to give in to desperate feelings.

I won’t pull punches.  If your husband is giving you indications he wants to walk, the risk of the marriage coming to an end is raised.

But there is another way to handle the onslaught of emotions you might be feeling.

Don’t Give In To Your Desire To Cling To Your Estranged Husband

avoid clinging to husband

We all can become victims of overreacting in the moment.

After a fight with our spouse we often look to regain the certainty that our lover still sees us as their pride and joy.

The last thing we want to think is that he is wanting to beat a path to the door and leave us forever.

So to combat these feelings, some married women will often look for a verbal or physical cue that their husband, while he may be agitated about some things, is not going to leave them high and dry.

Many wives will prod their husband to get assurances.

And there is nothing wrong with that.  We all need to be reassured that our husband or wife loves us still, particularly if there has been an argument.

Where some wives run into problems is when they come off looking too desperate or resort to holding on too tight or relying on clinging behaviors.

These  shows of emotions in and of themselves will often cause the husband to push away from you further.   Not only does exhibiting these kind of behaviors make the wife look weak, but a manipulative minded husband can use this reaction to his advantage, giving him the upper hand.

There is what exists in every marriage a range of personal power.  In theory, it should be balanced between husband and wife.  But when that balance is out of whack, sometimes inequities come into play.

And while your husband may not be of the type that takes advantage of such a situation, some married men do.

So if you are reduced to begging for your man not to leave, you have already backed yourself into an emotional corner.  If you are spending your time trying to convince him how what he is doing amounts to abandoning everything the two of you worked so hard to establish, you are already swimming upstream.

 

So what are you to do?

When you are in a position when you think your husband is going to leave you and you feel overcome with emotions, the worst thing you can do is to succumb to your fears and anxieties.

That voice of fear in your mind can cause you to do and say all the wrong things. And it is so easy to fall under its spell.

So here are my top suggestions on what kind of things you should not say or do if you feel the relationship is eroding.  In other words, if you fear your husband is slipping away and you feel desperate to keep him from doing anything rash, like leaving you high and dry, then take these suggestions into account.

  1. Keep Your Emotions in Check: If you fear that your husband is on the verge of packing his bags and leaving you, don’t panic.  The last thing you want to do is ratchet up the stress of the situation by becoming overly emotional.  Avoid begging your husband  to stay.  That simply puts you in an inferior position. Stay away from pleading with him to come back if he has left you.  By begging for your guy to come back home, you give up a part of your personal power. Your pleas becomes his weapon to use back on you, so just don fall into the trap. There will be time to sort through potential solutions.
  2. Call Your Husband’s Bluff:  Sometimes guys will act like they want to walk away from the marriage.  They will say and do things that may convince you that they are finished and want out.  But think of it this way.  If they truly intend to quit the marriage in that moment and make for the door, then there is not a lot you can do about it at that time. I know that sounds depressing, but in reality it is not.  The fact is that emotions and feelings can be fleeting.  In one moment your husband may be ready to bolt out of your life.  But then later, after he recover his senses, he may calm down and realize the foolishness of his ways.  So avoid giving in to his bluster.  If he is planning on abandoning you and give up on the marriage, you will not likely be able to stop him or convince him to stay in the short term.  Let him huff and puff and blow the door down as he leaves.  There will always be other opportunities in the future, when things have calmed down, to explore reconnecting again.  And if your husband is indeed bluffing, then allow him the space to recover from his overreaction. You have more to lose if you allow yourself to get caught up in any of the dramas that may be playing out.
  3. Mirror the Opposite of Your Husbands’s Emotions.  The more agitated, loud, or obnoxious your husband becomes, then the more controlled, reserved, and cool you should behave.  There is an uncanny calming effect you can have on your husband’s behavior if he gets upset and starts talking about bringing an end to the relationship.  If your husband is talking about giving up on you, he is in that moment raising the stakes. Every word and action that follows will be magnified. So  when the stakes are that high, don’t fall victim to engaging in emotional combat about any of the issues that are driving the two of you apart. It is better to be the calm one.  Don’t give him the satisfaction of reacting in a negative way to his threat to leave.  When he flies off the handle and threatens to give up on you, keep your cool and hold your ground.  If you show aggression in the form of what you say or even your body posture, you will just end up contributing to the chaos and tension.
  4. Show Your Husband the Door:  Sometimes using reverse psychology on your husband can help with diffusing the situation.  While it is not a foolproof strategy, sometimes the best thing you can do is give your man as much freedom as he thinks he wants.  The odds are poor that you are going to talk him off the ledge.  If he wants to walk out, then chances are there is not much you can say or do in that moment to change his mind.  So with this in mind, calmly show him the door.  Don’t do it with malice or be mean about it as that will only come back to haunt you.  No man wants the image of their wife screaming at them seared in their mind.  That is not the image you want to project.   Simply tell him you love him, but that feel incredibly hurt. Then go on to tell him that if he feels he needs to spend some time alone, you will support that. Reinforce that you too need time to be alone and away from his confusing signals.  Avoid arguing.   You might end up getting a strange reaction from him.  And that is OK.  Just let it play out and follow your instincts as to your next move.

Why is Begging For Your Husband To Stay Such a Bad Idea?

avoid begging him to hang around

It is seldom a winning strategy when your husband sees you as someone he has wrapped around his finger.

Here are a few cases from women  illustrating that when you resort to desperate measures, nothing good usually comes from it.

Freta:

Hi Chris! I so much need your help with what is going on with my husband.  He says he doesn’t want this anymore, meaning he is through with me.  I think it is terribly unfair so I told him so and begged him to stay.  The more I pleaded for him not to leave the more he pushed me away.  I cried.  He cried.  But then he got angry with me like it was all my fault and said I was keeping him from doing what he wanted. I can’t believe I am even having to reach out to you for help because I never thought this kind of thing would happen to us in our marriage. It seems none of my assurances to do things better on my end even phased him. It seemed to make him turn it all around on me, using my vulnerabilities against me and telling me he hates being around a weak woman and that we are not meant for each other. He said he is getting his own place and will be packing and leaving me as soon as things get squared away. How should I handle the next few days?

Margie:

“What could I have done differently, Chris? I have worked so hard to please my husband and now he says he doesn’t like being around me.  I know I can get insecure about things and you say we women should not cling and hold on too tightly to our husbands.  You talk about being independent and able to stand up. But I thought I was just showing him how much I cared. I love him and all I want is him to love me too. I tell him these things over and over again and ask him to please give us another chance but he acts like he despises me.  He covers up his ears and tells me to shut up. What kind of husband tells you to shut up when you beg him to stay.  Am I ruining everything?”

In both of these cases, my clients are reacting as many of us would in a time of emotional stress.  All of your worst fears are realized when your husband utters those awful words that he doesn’t love (or even like you) anymore and wants out of the marriage.  So what people naturally do is to try to grab a hold of what it is you want to keep and not let it go.

But unfortunately, in the world of  love and lost, a husband will usually react in the opposite way in which you would hope for.  As you tell him verbally or even physically reach out and hold on to him to stop him for walk out of your life, it can only serve to agitate your spouse further.

Whether he is right or wrong or even fully knows what it in his heart doesn’t matter a lot in that moment.  All that your husband knows and feels is the desire to escape.

He wants to get away from you.  And try as you might to change his mind or even physically try to detain him, it only serves to embolden his desire to quit the marriage and get out the door even faster.

And when things between the two of you go sour and you come off as needy and begging and pleading,  it just results in a big turn off for your guy and encourages him to make a beeline out of the relationship.

So as we discussed earlier what you should do is not give in to the feelings churning up inside of you.

In those moments when emotions are running in every direction, just know that your husband may not be in his right mind.  Whatever he is feeling (e.g, anger, resentment, outrage, resignation), it is best not to do or say things to ratchet up his intensity.

The thought here is to maintain your dignity and to live to fight to get your husband back another day, if that is truly in the cards.

Trying to hold on to something that is wiggling to get away in that moment is a losing strategy.  Let him go, even if it goes against everything you feel is right.

Tomorrow is another day so to speak.

There will be other opportunities to explore getting the marriage back on track.

By clinging to your husband, you risk alienating him further and hurting your chances in the future to reconcile.

Men (and women too) have a psychological desire to retain their freedoms. And if your husband is convinced he wants out, it usually pays in the long run to not stand in his way.

Remember, emotions are fleeting and unpredictable.  So avoid contributing to the chaos negative emotions can often bring into your life.

Chances are if you employ the right tactics, your man will learn that he acted prematurely and should revisit his earlier notions.