It is what we all want, right?
Getting your ex wife back after she has left you is the gold standard for all relationship comeback stories. The problem is that getting that second chance….getting the wife to take you back is not so easy.
After all, the two of you were married and that act in itself is suppose to help safeguard you from any rash or impulsive decisions that could lead to marriage catastrophe. But not all things work out the way we want in the world of marriage and relationships.
Just know that you are not alone. Many men out there have struggled with marriage and when things broke apart, they felt crushed, angry, frustrated, and confused.
Changing Your Approach to Getting Your Ex Wife Back
Yep, life and marriage is not meant to always be easy. Indeed, we can learn more through our missteps and mistakes, than we can learn from a free pass down easy street.
In fact, in all my years in dispensing advice to men and women on various relationship topics, one of the hardest things for men to wrap their brain around is the prospect that if they don’t shift their paradigm about how they wish to get their ex wife to view them differently, then guess what…. they are more likely to get shot out of the saddle, over and over again.
So, if you are in the unfortunate position of still being in love with your ex wife and something happened during the marriage such that the connection between the two of you cratered, yet you still can’t keep your mind off her and you are sure you are still in love with your wife…then you have come to the right place.
If you truly want her back and are willing to work hard for it and change some things along the way, then by golly I would say your chances have improved already.
Do you really need to change yourself to get your wife to respond to your efforts to win her back? Not really. Changing oneself for the sake of getting an ex back is usually a temporary solution. You are what you are to a large extent. There are things that you can let go of. And there are elements of your personality that can move more to the forefront. None of this is about changing yourself. We all can do with more or less of some of our behaviors. But what I say is you need to take a journey that will allow you to become the best version of yourself. More on that later.
But there are no sure things out there. The battlefield of warring ex wives and husbands is wide and is filled with potholes. If you are not careful, it is easy to step down the wrong path.
For example, I often get clients who ask if they should lay down an ultimatum for their wife to return. Then on the other side of the spectrum, I get questions from guys who wonder if it would be best to just give her the cold shoulder. Given the individual differences that every marital relationship, my advice often falls in between.
Don’t feel too rushed to get her back, otherwise you put yourself in a position of possibly coming off as begging for her to return. That is seldom a winning strategy. But you should not come off as completely ignoring her either. Unlike a boyfriend and girlfriend breakup, a marriage almost always have many more attachments and roots laid down. A general rule of thumb of winning her back is you must be committed to changing her perception of you, but you can’t be in a hurry to accomplish this in short order. If the relationship is going to get back on track, your ex wife will have to come to see that you have made some meaningful changes in your life.
Now, I am not talking about wholesale changes. That is just a pipe dream. People don’t make huge wholesale changes in their temperament, attitudes, or behaviors. But, you can figure out what marriage building habits, routines, and behaviors you need to exhibit more of as well as those you need to do less of.
For starters, I want you to read this post in terms of trying to find some nuggets of ideas that can help you move closer to getting your ex wife back. I am going to touch on some of the synergistic principles that helps with making a marriage work. None of the ideas I put forward can be accomplished in a few days or weeks or even years. Forging a stronger marriage relationship is largely about two people working together over time to improve in certain key areas of their marriage.
For example, if I had to distill the key components of a successful marriage and a “get your ex wife back” strategy, it would revolve around the following synergistic principles which I discuss at length in this post.
But for starters, let’s try and give you a different perspective about what you are facing.
We are going to break this problem down and give you a game plan that can increase your chances of winning back your ex wife.
Don’t Rush to Win Her Back
First of all, I don’t think it is wise for you to be in a hurry to get your ex wife back. I know that might go against everything you are feeling right now. The fact that the two of your are separated, divorced, or are seriously drifting apart is creating all kinds of emotional hardship. That knot in your stomach just won’t go away and it seems that every waking thought is about your wife and what you did to lose her and what you should to to win her back.
You probably go to sleep thinking of her and the whole breakup situation and you most likely wake up with those same thoughts top of mind. It can be both exasperating and exhausting. You may feel completely helpless and vulnerable to sudden bouts of thoughts of how it once was.
This is normal, so don’t let it get you down. You may feel like you are constantly being pricked by a flower bush of thorns. It may feel like wherever you turn, the thorns of sadness and depression make their mark on you.
But remember, it has been said that the more thorns you endure in life, the greater the roots of your recovery. I know. It sounds like I am telling you that you must suffer in order to possibly win back your ex. Believe me, I am not advocating sadist behaviors and nor do I wish you to suffer. But I found that in general, when people endure hardships, they often learn from those experiences and adapt.
Even though you are feeling under the gun to re-ignite the spark of your marriage and even though you feel like you would do just about anything to get a second chance, I would suggest, particularly if you are in the early days of losing her, that you not succumb to the emotional punch in your gut.
Slow and Steady Wins the Race
What I would suggest you do is tack in the opposite direction. Let her go. Give her space. The last thing you should do after a parting of the ways is go right after. Trying to after chase your wife through phone calls and text messages or emails is usually a losing strategy in those early days and weeks….even months. You mind and body is literally conditioned to want to be near her. You will fill the almost uncontrollable urge to end this break up situation as fast as possible. Your mind will be filled with many rash thoughts.
Your challenge is to recognize that you are probably not in the right state of mind in those early days and weeks to launch a spousal recovery strategy. Just know that what is often best is you get yourself together. This will also be the case for your significant other as well. Your wife will very likely need to time to repair her own emotional damage. So try to chill out.
I know it will be tough. But I want you to think of it like the salmon that swims upstream. If you go a chasing after your wife and obsessing about your spouse, you are just going to wear yourself out and more often than not, you will fall way short.
So think about spending a few weeks engaging in a period of time where you simply avoid communicating with your ex wife. Yes, I know you really want her back in your life. But if the two of you are no longer living together and your wife has split, then you need some time time reflect and to heal. And so does she.
Using No Contact To Get Your Wife Back
It is like hitting the reset button. In some circles, what I am talking about is called the No Contact Period. Believe me, when you stay true to the course of not contacting your wife and simply leaving her the heck alone, she will notice.
It will be outside of the norm. She will wonder about you. You should remind yourself of the dynamics of most marriages. Most marriages are founded on years of experience together and as a result, there is already a built in degree of traction between the two of you. Like a gravitational force, even if the two of you are experiencing hardship, the forces of what brought you together to get married do not just dissipate. So trust in these attractive forces. Give them time to be repaired. Less is more in this type of situation.
Look at it this way. In many of these cases where the husband and wife have spent a great deal of time together as man and wife, they usually have had some good times. Those experiences resulted in bonding moments and as they pile up over time, they create a connection.
Routines and habits are formed between husband and wife. So, yes, your ex wife will notice if you begin to behave differently. Behaviors outside the norm are noticed, particularly if they are positive in nature.
Now, giving your ex wife space in itself will not necessarily solve all your troubles. But it is by far a better alternative than angering and annoying your ex wife by constantly trying to bid for her affections in an effort to lite the spark.
So let’s say you take 30 days and adopt a no contact approach. Use this period of time for introspection. Evaluate the things that happened over the course of the marriage that led your ex to move on. Consider what role you played in the marriage breaking apart.
Now I am not saying it is all your fault. It never is. But it does take two to make and break a marriage. So evaluate the things you feel contributed to the problems the two of your experienced. Some day, hopefully in the near future, recognizing your role in these problems and sharing them with your ex wife, if you should have that opportunity, will be a positive step in the right direction.
Also, while you are engaged in this No Contact Period, work on being the best you can be. Don’t sit around idle like, waiting for the weeks of No Contact to go by. Make yourself the best version of you. It should be a fully synergistic experience on both the emotional and physical side and it should also include other elements of your life such as exploring new interests, hobbies, meeting new people, and staying fully engaged in life.
Believe me, an idle mind, spirit, and soul is a devil’s play land. Don’t give negativity a chance to creep into your life. Let the word get out that you are engaged in life and working on being a better version of yourself. You want your ex wife to know about it…to hear about it.
Now, I am not suggesting that you go out and date a lot of beautiful women and use that to make your ex wife jealous. That is like using a club to get attention. And such actions almost always backfire in the long run.
I suggest you be much more subtle. If you are active in social media, there are opportunities to create as sense of “you” that is attractive and interesting. And invariably, that profile of you will come to your ex’s attention. If social media is not your “thing”, then enlist friends and surrogates to get the word out about how you are carving out a new “you”.
Stepping Up To Get the Wife Back
Eventually, there will come a time when you will want to reach out to your ex wife and when you do, you will want to make it count. I am a proponent of little steps. So when you do finally reach out to your ex, you will want to do it from a position of strength.
Your goal should be to just get a conversation started so the initial contact message needs to stand out. There are dozens of text messages that you could send that might perk your ex’s interest. But since the two of you were married before (or perhaps still married but separated in some way), I think you need to do something more personal.
One idea that I have discussed before is using the idea of a message in bottle. Your ex wife will very likely not expect to receive such a note in such a creative way. And that is part of the appeal.
What you can do is obtain an empty wine bottle. You will place a message in it, then have it re-corked. So the the question is, what should the message say. Well, again, I favor small steps. Just the gesture will hopefully shine some good fortune in your direction.
I would suggest your note say something like, “I hope you are well”. Sometimes it is best to keep things simple. Let your ex fill in the blanks about what it all means. Your aim is for her to reach out to you and respond. That hopefully will provide you with an inroad for further conversation and if you get to that point as this process evolves…just remember to take things slow.