We all want to look attractive to our lover.
If you are married, you want your husband to gaze upon you lovingly and with desire.
We all want to think that our spouse loves us for who we really are.
We want to be assured that whatever we are doing in our marriage, that we have not left behind those things that made us feel beautiful, handsome, or whatever the case may be.
I did a Podcast the other day on one of my other websites. A woman was wondering if there were things she should be doing to ensure her husband still found her attractive.
A Closer Look at Keeping Your Husband’s Focus on YOU!
So we opened up the dialogue on this point and it took some interesting turns.
She had been married for 6 years and while the couple was still relatively young, they had been with each other exclusively for all that time and she was feeling that the relationship was getting old.
It was not like she was tired of her marriage.
She loved her husband very much and the two of them seemed happy together.
But she was wondering out loud what it is she can do to ensure her husband still found her “hot” as she described it.
She was not vain by any stretch of the imagination.
And it wasn’t like her whole life was wrapped up into how she looked or how well she pleased her husband in bed.
But she wanted to keep things fresh and she wanted to eliminate those little insecure thoughts that sometimes creep in and get stuck in our minds about our attractiveness.
It was important to her to feel desired and while she could not point to anything specific that was wrong with the marriage, she just did not like feeling that she wasn’t doing enough on the attraction front.
In the early days of their romance everything they did together was electric.
She couldn’t even walk or make a movement without her husband staring at her and commenting how incredibly gorgeous she was.
Her husband seemed transfixed by her every movement, glance, or smile. And she like that. It made her feel incredibly attractive and wanted.
What was particularly satisfying for her was that she did not have to do anything out of the ordinary to get a rise out of her husband.
She wasn’t trying to be sexy or do things to get his attention or turn him on.
Rather, she was just passing through the day like she had always had. She wasn’t dressing differently or wearing some incredible perfume. Her husband just seemed to be naturally enamored with her and all of her little habits and ways.
She explained that her husband, in the earlier days of their marriage, seemed to celebrate just about everything about her, even her imperfections.
That was a good feeling and made her confident that she could just be herself.
It wasn’t like she lacked a lot of confidence or was insecure about her body image or looks. Back in those days and even now, she said she thought of her self as “pretty” and in good shape.
To her husband, she felt like a beauty queen.
She tried hard not to act the part because that was just not her. She enjoyed being down to earth. But no doubt, the praise her husband use to heap on her about her long legs and beautiful eyes and graceful movements left an indelible mark in her memory.
And now she was sometimes wondering if her husband still found her the “knockout” that he use to frequently tell her she was.
Those were the sweet early days of marriage and she enjoyed every moment.
She asked me during the discussion we were having if it was wrong to want to recapture those feelings. She was embarrassed to check in with her husband.
She knew he would immediately tell her she was the most beautiful creature he had ever laid eyes on.
He was that way.
She knew he loved her and she knew he would never say anything negative about her. And it was not because he though she was too hung up on her body image or had an inflated ego.
Rather it was because her husband was a “good guy” and a “good husband” and would move heaven and earth to please her.
Yet she could not help but notice over the last few years or so that his compliments were fewer.
The Ebb and Flow of Attraction
When she would undress, she would not catch him watching her like he noticeably did in the past.
Her husband use to show little bouts of jealousy when they were out.
She explained that other men would cast wayward glances at her and smile approvingly at her. That behavior still happens on occasions.
She explained that she didn’t invite or need to experience those kinds of little flirtations.
Most of the time, when other men flirted with her she didn’t mind. Sometimes it would annoy her but much of the time it was casual and gave her a little ego boost.
But her husband would get a little uptight about it and while he would try to laugh it off, she knew he was not fond of other men giving her the eye.
But now the dynamic was different.
She still gets the looks and occasionally she even catches herself smiling back and enjoying more. But the main difference now is that her husband doesn’t seem to notice other men casually flirting with her.
So naturally, this very intelligent and lovely woman found herself wondering if her husband was still enamored with every aspect of her persona.
Had he grown too accustomed to her and all her ways?
She wondered if that was a bad thing for the marriage.
Had her looks faded over the years?
It was natural for everyone to age and lose the sheen of their youth. But since they had only been married for six years, she didn’t think that was a major component.
She liked the way she looked. She just didn’t like she wasn’t getting more attention from her husband.
I assured her that what she described was not out of the ordinary.
I explained that the little doubts and uncertainties she was having around this topic were completely normal and that she should not feel any less attractive or desirable because of these thoughts.
So I decided to talk to her about the phenomenon of attraction and how it emerges in the early period of a relationship and then how it evolves over time.
How Husbands See Their Wives Over Time
Essentially she was looking for some assurances that her husband still found her attractive and what she could do to get back to those earlier days of the relationship.
I explained to her that one of the fundamental success factors in a good marriage is the couple’s ability to refresh their relationship.
I underscored that it was normal for couples to start taking each other for granted.
Both men and women tend to think less about doing those little things that bring fire to the relationship.
We can’t fire on all cylinders at all times.
When we try too, it dilutes the value of attractiveness.
And as time winds by, we can easily fall into predictable patterns.
That is how our brains work.
If there isn’t some effort made to tweak our look or behavior on occasion, then it is perfectly reasonable to expect that the day-to-day chemistry occurring between husband and wife will get lost in the status quo.
So what do I mean by “day-to-day chemistry”?
You see, each day when you interact with your husband, there is a certain baseline of behavior that you each expect of the other. Your husband grows accustomed to a certain way you look and act. Our brains are engineered to put things into recognizable categories so we can better process the information.
So naturally, when your husband sees you and relates to you in all different ways, unless something is noticeably different in how you look or what you are saying, his impression of you will largely remind seated in the category that he has assigned for you. And if you can imagine, each category can be broken down into subcategories. That is how complex our mind processes information. For example, he might put you into the category of decent looking wife or good looking wife or great looking wife or super hot looking wife.
When things start getting predictable and routine, a husband may more often put his wife into the decent looking category.
I know this sounds somewhat clinical, but this is how men and women interact at a conscious, even subconscious level.
So the question is what can you do to break his little paradigm of you.
It is not like the way he thinks and looks at you is a bad thing.
The category that he has placed you in is probably relatively positive.
During the course of the day, he might just link you to his pre-formed category of “loving” and “supportive” wife.
That sounds good, right?
Sure it does.
But what if your aim is to make your husband expand on his categorical view of you such that he also thinks of you in a more attractive, even somewhat sexual manner.
After all, that is what my client says was missing more from her interactions with her husband of late.
She thought of herself as an attractive, good-looking and desirable woman.
And she knew if her husband was asked, he too would say his wife is a lovely and attractive woman.
But she was not getting that kind of feedback from him, either through words or gestures.
At least, not too often.
She wanted to change that.
The Best of Days When She Shined in Her Husband’s Eyes
So how does she turn it around?
I asked her for some specific examples of the things her husband use to say or do that she now feels is missing in her life.
Here is what she said.
“He would breeze by me in the kitchen and lightly touch my thigh as he gave me a peck on the cheek. I just loved that. It was sensual, but not overt.”
“He would surprise me with a special night out that included the works….flowers, dinner and wine. It would always end up in just beautiful lovemaking late into the night.”
“I would catch my husband staring at me as I prepared myself in the morning for work. Just the simple, little things stood out. He would comment on my hair as I was blow drying it. He would help me pick out my undergarments.” It would all come and go in seconds, but the impression and moment had a long afterlife as I found myself casually thinking about it later on at work or the next day.
“In the evenings as the hours ran long he would sit on the couch with me and just listen to whatever was on my mind. He would offer neck massages if I had a particularly stressful day. He would touch me always, but it was non sexual. Yet the memory of his touches would linger with me and made me feel secure and relaxed.”
“My husband would not just tell me how beautiful my body was or how pretty he thought I looked, but would describe in detail what he saw and how it made him feel. I got goose bumps as I could tell he really meant it. It often got me into the mood later during the evening and our sex would just progress naturally, not mechanically.
So as you can see, this woman had some very clear and vivid examples of the things that made her feel special.
And it was through these kinds of interactions with her husband that she was made to feel wanted and desired.
As she explained, those moments were becoming fewer.
A part of her felt it was just because they were getting set in their ways and not doing enough to spice up the relationship.
And she was right about that and I told her as much.
But another part worried that just perhaps her husband did not see her in the same way.
And that was not what she wanted for their marriage. She wanted him to be satisfied with her and attracted at all levels.
Building Attraction Through Breaking Marriage Routines
I was all too happy to work with this woman because after all, the solution was obvious to me.
From everything she told me, the marriage was rock solid and that there was not really any areas of dysfunction.
But as I explained to her, even the best of marriages need maintenance and renewal.
She asked me what marriage renewal might look like?
I think she was afraid that it might entail changing something in a big way and rightfully so, she was not interested in making any wholesale changes.
Why change a winning strategy she said. And I agreed. I explained that renewal in her case is taking what has worked in the past and tweaking it.
I again emphasized that it is expected and normal for marriages to become somewhat stale.
I explained that the interactions between husband and wife can fall into a predictable and somewhat comfortable routines.
But the problem with routines is that you can find yourself trapped into doing things in the same or similar way and it becomes comfortable and secure.
Introducing change and a little risk can be a game changer.
I explained that when it comes to upping attraction levels, doing things in the same and predictable way is usually not a recipe for enhanced intimacy.
How to Up The Attraction Levels Through Enhanced Intimacy
I have always believed that much can be accomplished on the sexual attraction front by doing the little things.
I explained to her that men are responsive to becoming re-attracted to their wives through leveraging the sexual connection which they currently have with their spouse as well as teasing out certain erotic images or fantasies most men harbor.
One way to breath new fire into the marriage in so far as the “attraction front” is to introduce new things….new experiences.
That does not mean that my client could not make use of some of the tried and true kinds of interactions she has had in the past with her husband.
But new and creative is better when it comes to re-igniting attraction levels. I told her that what was missing in their relationship was the firing of certain brain chemicals that raise attraction and intimacy levels.
And when a couple has been together for a long period of time, to break the routines and to enhance arousal may require her stretching her comfort level just a tad.
As I explained earlier, arousal was not a problem with this couple. They enjoyed a healthy sex life.
But she wanted her husband to notice her more and do the little and big things that made her feel special.
I emphasized that predictability and routine were arousal killers.
So we brainstormed with the goal to come up with a list of things that she could do to make her husband take a lot more notice.
I have to admit she was very creative.
I told her to draw up a list that range from very subtle things she might do to arouse her husband to very erotic things that she may have never thought of saying or doing.
I told her that she need not do everything on the list that she came up with.
I explained that part of the process was to think creatively, so doing away with boundaries usually helps.
In addition, she might just land on some wonderful attraction techniques that she otherwise would never have thought of if she did not allow herself freedom to stretch.
In all, she had about 20 things she listed out.
We narrowed it to 5 things she would explore with her husband over the next week to see if it upped the attraction levels.
We called it her “Building Intimacy” list.
I added one more thing that I believed was vital.
It involved including her husband into making up the next list after she had completed all five of her attraction techniques.
Here is what she came up with. I helped a bit, but she owned this list! These ideas are not in any particular order. But the idea is she wanted to do these things over the course of a week:
- When he returned home from work, greet him with a smile and instead of giving him the traditional quick kiss, hold eye contact for 3 seconds and kiss him more deeply. Then go about your normal routines. Holding eye contact can increase oxytocin levels and the deeper kiss sends an intimate message that you are available. But men like to chase. So casually going about your business allows him a opportunity to pursue.
- Offer to give your husband a back message. This also stimulates a man’s brain chemistry in all the right ways. Tell him you are using some special massage oil you purchased for him. Don’t initiate sex. Just let things proceed naturally.
- Buy a new perfume and wear it during the course of the week. Don’t mention it.
- Surprise the husband with tickets to his favorite sports team.
- Get a little naughty with your nighttime habits. For this post, I chose to leave out the details for privacy sake. But to give you a hint as to what my client did to grab her husband’s attention involved wine, a candle, and something else they had not tried before.