Have you ever wondered why break ups occur? Why do men and women grow weary of their relationships and turn to another or in another direction? What are your chances to get your man back if your marriage ends?
These are among the most asked questions I get from clients ever day. Everybody wants to know the secrets of how they should go about getting their man back.
A break up can be frightening. Everything you thought you could count on is now disturbed and all your tomorrows seems like days full of sorrow, regret, and confusion.
When faced with the utter despair of losing a husband or a boyfriend, many women turn to pleading for their lover to return. Too many find themselves begging for their husband or boyfriend to return, promising that they will “change their ways” or “work even harder” to make the marriage and relationship work.
When it becomes apparent that their guy is having nothing to do with agreeing to a quick resolution, even if the terms are far in his favor, it is not unusual for the individual to sink into the worst of pity parties.
I used to think that a pity party had little value. But there is research that shows that it is usually better to sponge out all of your emotions (preferably in short order) in order to right the ship.
This can take the shape of you spending a few hours in a fierce workout. Or it could be you isolating yourself and just letting it all out in the form of a good old fashioned scream or cry fest or both.
The idea is sometimes you have to purge all of those negative feelings that are holed up inside of you. Whether it is punching a bag or taking a basket of tennis ball out and just banging them against a wall, you want to extinguish all of that pent up the anger and unproductive energy.
And there is something else that is very positive about getting engaged with exercise. When you are physically active, your body produces and releases dopamine and endorphins and that “feel good feeling” helps alleviate some of the pain of heartbreak.
And if you integrate physical activity into your daily routine, then you are stepping in the right direction in terms of getting control over the right kind of chemicals that are being released in your body.
Getting Closer To Yourself is the First Step of Recovering from Your Marriage Break Up
I am a real big proponent of taking care of number one and this is You! If you feel torn in half after a marriage break up, you have to fight against the tide of your own feelings that are pushing back on you.
What do I mean by that? Well, it is simple. We are largely creatures of habit. And when things go wrong with our relationships, we often want to instantly rush right back into the relationship.
There is a good reason for why these feelings occur. In large part, you don’t have full control of why you feel this way. You see, after years of being connected and tied to your husband (or boyfriend) you in effect become a prisoner (to some extent) to your brain chemicals.
For example, without even realizing it, you have become reliant on dopamine which the brain produces when you are engaged in a closely bonded relationship. When you have pleasurable experiences with your husband, dopamine is released. When the two of you hug and kiss or make love, dopamine and oxytocin is released.
Dopamine usually occurs in greater abundance at the beginning of a relationship and the feelings it can generate can be intense. Over time, the release of dopamine becomes less. But oxytocin, also called the cuddle hormone, fills in the gap quite well. But take the relationship away and suddenly you start becoming dopamine and oxytocin deficient. Like a drug addict, you will do almost anything to get that fix again…to be with your ex again.
So it is important you understand this natural phenomenon and what is happening with your mind and body when your go through a break up. Knowing this is empowering.
While it may not significantly lessen the heartbreak you are going through, it helps immensely to understand what you can expect. And by knowing this, you can take proactive steps to lessen the impact it has on your overall emotional system.
Literally working out your emotions through some physical exertion, such as exercise, can help you with getting your brain chemicals back in better balance. And this is one of the many steps you need to take on your journey to become a better you.
Become Present with Yourself After the Break Up
I recently interviewed a relationship specialist on my website, exboyfriendrecovery.com. Victoria Grant and I discussed ways in which women might be able to better their chances of getting their ex back. One of the things she talked about was the need for women to learn how to “date themselves“.
At first, I was at loss about exactly what she meant. But after a few moments of discussing this creative concept, I realized she was absolutely right.
As we discussed, going through a break up is really hard for anyone. Part of getting things back on track is learning how to become more “present with yourself”.
That entails doing things that allows you to get lost in the moment. I can think of several activities you can immerse yourself to realize this state. Reading a book….riding a bicycle across the beautiful countryside…..jogging in the park…taking a long hike….practicing yoga. All of these things and more can help lift you out of the negative thoughts and environment.
Ask yourself, if you went on a dream date and did all of the things you would really want to, what would it be?
Being present within yourself is thinking about such things and making them happen in your life. It could be a simple date where you imagine walking along the sea shore. It could be a thrilling date where you go on a hot air balloon ride.
Or maybe you always wanted to travel to San Francisco or Jackson Hole, Wyoming, so the idea would be to take yourself out and realize this dream.
Whatever it is you imagine yourself doing and wherever you imagine yourself going, make it happen. Ask yourself on such a date and then make it a reality.
I would also suggest you don’t go along. If you are really feeling the vibe of wanting to experience all by yourself and your trust this feeling, then go for it. But in a lot cases, it is best to be with a friend to share the experience. Just them being there can help the adventure be more enriching and it also helps you avoid any melancholic moods.
Maybe you want to take a girlfriend with you to make it all the more interesting. Perhaps you want to get a new dress or get your hair done just the right way before you embark on this adventure. All of these things are part of taking care of yourself and becoming acquainted with the ways you would want to be treated. In other words, treat yourself to a dating type of experience you have always dreamed of.
Treat yourself the way you would want your husband to treat you. Thinking and behaving in this way helps you not only with the much needed emotional healing, but it can also serve as a road map to your next relationship.
So What Do You Do To Get Your Man Back After a Failed Relationship?
Once again, I cannot emphasis enough the importance of regaining yourself, before you even think of getting your ex husband back or entering into a new relationship.
As I have explained, by having a relentless focus on making yourself your number one priority, you eventually will raise your personal power and chances of success in your next relationship.
Why is this so?
When people are seeking others to date and potentially build a life with, they invariably are influenced by what they see as a person who has it all together.
People who don’t carry their past burdens or relationship failures like baggage are considered more attractive. What you are looking for is becoming the very best “You” that you can possibly be.
This cannot be accomplished unless you seek to lay waste to the past pains and sorrowful experiences. You do not want to be defined by the collection of bad experiences you had with your ex husband or ex boyfriend. Rather, you want to be understood and appreciated on the basis of the many good qualities that you possess.
To get to that place where you are thinking much less about recovering from a break up or divorce, or even a separation, you need to work through a process.
Finding the real “you” amidst all of the pain and suffering you may have endured since the break up won’t happen overnight or in week or even over months. It is different for everyone. We all come from a different place when we emerge from a broken relationship. So the recovery period will vary for each person. Just understand, a strong focus on your needs is a very important first step in your journey to a better place.
Embracing the Holy Trinity of “You”
Sometimes the best way to win someone back, whether it be your ex husband or ex boyfriend, you have to be prepared to lose that person forever.
I know that sounds harsh or frightening for those who are still under the spell of their lover. But in time, you will learn that to journey forward, you have to let go of the past. And that means being prepared to accept you may not be successful in recovering your man. Or you may discover along the way that you do not want him back.
In a way, what you are about to embark on is a journey of self discovery. It is not unusual for a women’s sense of themselves to be lost within the construct of their prior relationship.
In other words, if you define who you are and what you are about in terms of your previous relationship with your boyfriend or ex husband, then in large measure your “self” has become trapped. And that is not a healthy way to live.
So it is important you embrace your independent self and to do that I would like to talk to you about the Holy Trinity.
Now, don’t get me wrong, as I am not about to drop a lot of religious thought upon you. That is not what this is about. Though, admittedly, I use the phrase, “holy trinity” as a metaphor to make a point.
I consider this focus on what I call the holy trinity to be one of the purest and spiritually impactful things you can do for yourself.
As I alluded to earlier, finding the the whole “you” or becoming the best version of yourself, is not going to be achieved by reading a few books or writing down your commitment into a journal.
You have to live and breath it and it has to be part of your essence. To often women (and men), when looking to reunite with the ex husbands or boyfriends or girlfriends, will think that all they need to do is follow a 5 point plan or pay a small fortune for the secret recipe on “how to get your man back“.
But the truth of making yourself attractive to others is to first make yourself attractive to “yourself”.
Would you go out on a date with yourself?
The answer to that question needs to be a resounding “Yes”. If you look at everything that is going on in your life and how it has impacted you and you conclude that you are not quite there yet, then don’t feel ashamed or disappointed.
You are where you naturally should be after going through the ravages of a break up with your man. So accept your present state for what it is…..only a small chapter in your life. Turn the page. Accept that on a deep level and realize that all of the feelings you have now…..all of the anxieties that define you now….all of the fears that creep up on you are fleeting in the truest sense of the word.
Your focus going forward after the break up could be divided into three key areas. Health, Wealth, and Relationships. As I mentioned earlier, this is the holy trinity of your journey.
Get Healthy After Your Marriage Break Up
What I am talking about here is not just physical health. Certainly, that is very important. How we go about exercising, eating healthy and getting annual checkups……all these things are important.
But attaining good health is also about your emotional health. I have already talked about that already, but would like to emphasize a few more points.
One of the more interesting findings from researchers is that both physical and emotional health are tied together. When your marriage ends in a separation or break up, it feels like a painful punch to the gut.
Not only are you brought to your knees emotionally, but the suffering people often endure manifests itself physically in the form of fatigue, headaches, and loss of appetite. A large part of this phenomenon is due to the chaotic chemical shifts occurring in your body triggered by experience of breaking up with your boyfriend or husband.
Recognizing that you are at a crossroads where your emotional and physical states are in conflict, it is important you take action to get things back in balance. It won’t happen overnight, but there are things you can do to improve your “health” situation.
Engaging in physically oriented activities like daily walks, hikes, runs, bicycling, and other recreationally oriented activities is a good way to replace your negative energy with a positive activity.
I have also been a big believer of embracing new experiences and routines to help you cope. It is easy to get locked into an unhealthy routines to drown out the pain (i.e. excessive drinking, binge behaviors, acting out your anger).
It is not unusual to spend far too much time thinking about your current plight. Getting healthy sometimes requires a meaningful change in your environment.
Sometimes it is necessary for you to lift yourself out of your environment and pursue a complete change of scenery. Go somewhere that is different and new. It can be anywhere, just as long as you lift yourself up out of the current environment.
The idea is sometimes you need to do something significant to break the spell of unhealthy thoughts, obsessive behaviors or whatever depressive emotional states you may be experiencing.
Building Your Wealth
I think wealth can also be broken up into two components. There is the traditional form of wealth in which you seek to grow your financial independence. Then there is what I would describe as “spiritual wealth” in which you seek to find a fulfilling emotional balance.
Let’s start first with your financial condition. Sometimes, after a breakup, we are thrusted into a situation where we realize that we have vulnerability in terms of our finances.
Whether it is a matter of seeking out a better job or pursuing a certain promotion, the idea is that the greater your financial independence, the better you will feel about your overall independence.
And that in large part is what building wealth is all about. It is something that is an “enabler”. It allows you to build upon your independence and freedom.
Wealth in terms of improving your financial condition does not bring you happiness, but wealth as it relates to embracing a powerful sense of self belief can be life affirming.
Some of my clients seek professional counseling to come to better understand the complexity of their feelings. Others have reported to me great clarity of mind after taking up meditative activities or getting engaged with yoga. So wealth can be attained at the spiritual level.
The key here is understanding that building your wealth after a husband or boyfriend has abandoned you, is not just a healthy thing for you in the moment and in the future. But increasing your “wealth” also enables you to deal in the future with your husband or boyfriend from a position of strength and confidence if you should decide to re-engage.
Move From the Break Up to Building Relationships
Another focus area as you take this journey to becoming the best version of yourself is to realize that while your relationship with your ex husband is on the rocks, one of the best recovery cures is to grow and extend your relationships with others.
The last thing you want to do is curl up in a ball and hide out from the world forever.
Sure, we all will succumb to the need of being alone, particularly in the early days following the break up. There is an emotional process we all go through when we are experiencing the immediate shock of disbelief following a break up.
Shock, pain, disbelief, depression, denial, anger, resentment, and finally acceptance are the stepping stones of your recovery process. So it is perfectly natural to work your way through these feelings.
But when you find yourself weeks later still trapped in these emotions, then something is wrong. And that is where your relationships with family and friends can be so critical to improving your state of mind.
We are all social animals and depend much more that we realize on our ability to interact daily with others. So don’t give in to the impulse to hunker down by yourself, constantly feeling bad about your situation.
Push yourself to get up and out of your environment and spend quality time with your friends. Participate in social events where you can meet and interact with new people. Get busy with living your life in the company of others.