It can be incredibly difficult to know what to do after you and your ex husband (or wife) have split up. When the relationship is going south and each party moves in different directions, it is clear something meaningful has to happen to change the these sad unfolding events.
Rebuilding the relationship and recovering from the slings and arrows of a marital or relationship split up is going to require a great deal of effort. This is where it matters a great deal that you have some understanding of how to proceed.
It is not going to help you a lot if you panic and start in with the promises of better days ahead. In most cases, when couples have reached the stage where they are hurt and angry, it is not wise to push or pull too hard. Nor will it be advantageous to anyone if either the husband or wife tries to immediately seek out professional counseling.
You see, in those early days following a split up, a couple has entered what I have described in my writings as the “break up zone”. I am sure you heard of the “Twilight Zone”? Well, the break up zone is a lot like that in the sense that things you use to take for granted are not completely out of wack.
Your feelings about the relationship are not to be entirely trusted. Your reactions to the split up is going to take a lot of twists and turns. So whatever you do moving forward, you will want to guard against doing anything rash.
But to get the relationship back on track it will take a committed effort. And as part of this effort, you will need to devise a game plan.
So what might that look like? How should you even proceed if your marriage just busted up and you are not even sure what you want?
My experience in working with couples is that a break down in the relationship is not necessarily an unusual event. Couples won’t agree on many things. And more often than not, a husband and/or wife will overact after conflict and anger and emotions will often rule the day.
A Systematic Approach to Rebuilding Your Relationship
So where do you turn after you discover that the relationship is in the toilet?
I am going to walk you through a simple model of one approach you may want to adopt as you seek to rebuild your marriage. Is it perfect and will it work every time?
Of course not. But my experience is that when you follow a game plan predicated on sound psychological principles, you stand a better chance of success.
Humans often respond in very predictable ways because we share many of the same psychological behaviors and influences. And this is one of the things you can draw upon in the aftermath of the break up.
For example, we draw close to a person and fall in love. Later, something can happen and a breakup occurs. But that emotional connection between two people is difficult to sever. So when the other party does not communicate or respond for many days after the split, a person will naturally start feeling shut out. Most people will miss their Ex. They will miss the good times. Doubt as to whether they did the right thing starts to creeps in.
So naturally, a person in this predicament will desire to make contact. When the other party does not reciprocate, psychological reactance kicks in. People naturally want that which they don’t have. It is built into our psyche.
Tell me that I can’t have something or do something and guess what….I will try harder to have it or do it. This is particularly the case if what the person longed for was part of their life in the past.
Is this starting to ring a bell! One thing you have in your favor with your ex is “history”. Hopefully, much of the history between you and your ex has been good. Now, I am not saying that every minute the two of you were together was fantastic. I am sure you both had some rough patches…maybe even several down periods.
But a relationship that has festered due to conflicts and unresolved differences is not necessarily doomed. Every marriage or relationship has many good moments from which you can draw from and build upon. There exists an attraction level that simply needs to be tapped into again.
So, no matter what your situation, the principles I teach in creating attraction can help turn things around. You simply need to understand the system.
Now, sometimes you may have to get more creative. Some break up situations are tougher than others, but my point is that for almost every situation I have dealt with when advising clients, the system I teach can meaningfully increase your chances.
But because I have dealt with so many scenarios, I have accumulated some unique insights into how you might want to deal with certain situations. In other posts on this website, I have written in greater detail about some of these situations.
So what I would like to do is share with you a summary of the system I utilize in helping couples find their way back to each other. Typically, when working with a client I want to help them see the bigger picture of where they stand now.
You would think it would be a simple thing to understand what is happening to you right after the relationship split up. But for many people, that period of time is filled with confusion and uncertainty.
It is as if you are in a brain fog and everything you do to see where you are and what you should do next become ever more confusing.
I hope that what I am about to share with you, will prove to be helpful. It may help you see the bigger picture of what your journey might look like. I hope it will cause you to be more hopeful. It may even serve as a wake up call.
My main purpose is to help you with setting realistic expectations.
No matter what, I want you to always remember that while your Ex may have left you, they did not take your life away. That belongs to you.
That is one of your first lessons. And when you learn to live you life without any reliance on your ex, you have taken a huge, bold step.
So however things shake out for you, I want you to know that you will learn from your experiences. Don’t be surprised if there are more twists and turns.
And most powerfully throughout it all, it is entirely up to you to embrace a positive outlook.
Positivity is what will get your far down the road with a much happier frame of mind.
And yes, you are the sole proprietor of your ATTITUDE.
An Ex Recovery System!
I have utilized a system to help my clients for a number of years. I like game plans. More often than not, if you have a plan and some structure around your get your ex back recovery strategy, you stand a better chance of success.
Now I won’t be able to go into great detail here as this article length is limited. I have literally written several books on my relationship recovery system. If you are interested in any of these resources, feel free to visit my websites:
But lets take a few minutes and walk you through the main themes of the system I teach. I think it will benefit those who find themselves in a situation where they have split with their ex but are still interested in potentially reconciling.
Again, if you want the full scoop, go check out my other websites and follow the links to my products and resources.
For now, let me give you a summary!
Initiating the No Contact Principle
In my writings, I spend a considerable amount of time talking about the No Contact Principle. You learn what it is and how and why you should strongly consider implementing this proven strategy.
In order to rebuild attraction, you will learn that sometimes it’s best to cease all communications with your Ex. I consider this one of the most synergistic elements of your Game Plan as it can lead to many positive benefits.
I teach that you Ex is conditioned to miss you and the power that “psychological reactance” (i.e. people want what they don’t have) is like an invisible force that operates on your Ex’s psyche. These things, and more can help with mending the broken connection.
Dealing with Your Recovery
Many people just assume that over time, the pain and heartache of the breakup will simply go away. “Time heals all wounds”, it is said.
You see, that is the problem with a lot of these “sayings”. Some people just assume that it must be true. So they wait for things to get better. But the reality is, if given time, a person’s suffering can actually increase.
The truth is that to get better, one needs to take actionable steps to heal. Otherwise, the tendency is that our mood states will revolve around the negative.
One needs to embark on a goal of becoming a better version of themselves. And when one is in the midst of suffering, without a plan to get better, one can get lost in the Breakup Zone.
Without some guidance, it is more difficult to lift one’s self out of the dark. This is why I like to talk about the things you should do in order to become “The UnGettable Girl” or The Unbelievable Guy”.
Don’t forget a huge lesson in relationship recovery.
People are attracted to a happy person whose life is moving forward. When you embrace this kind of attitude, you reflect the positive vibes that you feel inside. You become a better friend to yourself. This is what you should strive for.
The 5 Phases of Rebuilding Your Relationship after a Breakup
Allowing for Your Ex’s Recovery: If you seek to increase your chances of getting your Ex back, it is imperative that your Ex is given time to shed their negative emotions. Irrespective of who initiated the breakup, your Ex will also be experiencing the pain of separation. There are stages of emotional recovery everyone goes through and to give your Game Plan its best chance of success, you will need to allow your Ex the time to sort through their feelings.
Using Phantom Communication Strategies: As you recall, I spoke about the synergistic relationship each of these system components have in common. And this is very much the case when it comes to utilizing communication strategies to build attraction.
You are probably wondering, “what the devil are phantom communication strategies and how do they help in rekindling attraction with my Ex”. Well, stick around and keep reading the many posts I provide at this website and,you will learn all about it.
You will learn how the No Contact Period is actually a two front campaign in which you are doing things to promote self healing and also executing certain tactics to stir up “memories” and “jealousy”.
Folks, we will be dabbling in the world of the subconscious and dealing with the power of subtle suggestions. I have also created what I call the “Ex Recovery Treasure Chest” which you can use to pluck out many ideas that can help you with rebuilding attraction.
“First Contact” Text Messages: Once the No Contact Period is over, you will want to begin building attraction through tactical texting. You will need to develop a skill set in order to excel in this area.
You should learn about ending the conversation on the high point. I will teach you about “leaving them wanting more”. You will want to understand the importance of relationship “tide theory” and the role it plays in your communications.
You will discover that if you fail with your initial attempt to get a response with your Ex, you will be equipped with several other texting tactics you can employ to ignite your Ex’s interest. And if you are backed up against the wall of struggle, then you can turn to the “Treasure Chest” of ideas found throughout my website.
The Meetup: Hopefully, there will come a time where you and your Ex will meet up. Before this happens, you will want to be prepared for how to conduct yourself in such a meeting.
You will want to learn how to treat this meeting as more than just a time to re-engage. It is important to understand that a meetup affords you an opportunity to continue with “attraction building”.
Such a meeting should be casual and the vibe should be “chill” in all respects. But make no mistake, the Meetup is fertile ground for planting more subtle, yet irresistible cues into your Ex’s subconscious.
Subtle tactics such as “less is more” (i.e. taking things slow), use of positivity, kindness, subtle light touching, certain phrases, eye/smile contact, and use of certain verbal and nonverbal communication are examples of things you can to to rebuild attraction.
And guess what? All of these things can cause the release of oxytocin in your Ex’s brain. What is oxytocin, you may ask? It is simply the most powerful, natural occurring hormone that is instrumental in PAIR BONDING. By implementing all of the elements of the Ex Recovery System, you are slowly making inroads into your Ex’s “right brain”, which is the EMOTIONAL Control Center.
If your Ex associates positive feelings with “you” because of the positive experiences they have enjoyed with you…..and if you leverage certain other tactics….oxytocin will work its wonders.
The Meeting After the Meeting: So the two of you are back together again! Congratulations. But guess what? Unless you and your Ex eventually sit down and REALLY talk about the things that contributed to your breakup, you may end up right back where you started.
Typically, after you have established progress through a casual meet-up or two, there will come a time when the two of you sit down to discuss the problems triggering the break up.
As I alluded to, what you don’t want to happen is the typical on/off breakup cycle. Thus far you have appealed to the “right side” of your Ex’s brain (i.e. emotional). In the meeting after the meeting, it’s time to connect with their “left side” brain.
I teach how you and your lover should go about having a meaningful discussion and I lay out the rules of such a meeting. As with all things, timing is important. You certainly don’t want to rush into talking about these “heavy” matters until the two of you have had some time to simply enjoy each other’s company. But it cannot be something you sweep under the carpet and forget about. History has a persistent way of repeating itself if interventions are not made.