It is one of the most painful experiences women can have. You invest your heart and soul in a man you once thought was perfect for you. Then somewhere along the way of what you believed would be a life of marriage bliss, your husband decides to not only cheat on you, but also leave you.
It is almost a nightmarish kind of episode when you string these two events together.
What could be worse?
I know. It is when a husband cheats and then blames you. That is also a pretty low blow if your man pulls off that kind of relationship crap.
Check out Sally’s story down below. She never imagined she would catch her husband red-handed with another woman. Nor did she ever believe it possible that he would blame her for the affair.
But he did and by the way, her reaction to her husband’s cheating ways was spot on. Kudos to her for turning the relationship page.
But let me just reinforce something. When a guy jumps in bed with another woman, then on his way out of the marriage says it’s all your fault, that is just plain disgusting.
Her case was the closest thing to intolerable cruelty I have come across.
So Where Do You Turn When He Cheats and Leaves You For The Other Woman?
What is it in a man that makes him an unreliable mate? Is there some innate feature that men have that makes them untrustworthy scoundrels?
I sure hope not because seeking to find your soul mate would be a futile journey.
OK, let me correct that. I know it is not true.
Not all men are untrustworthy. A husband by definition is not a guy that is wired to pick up women, then trade you in for whatever catches his eye.
Now you may feel your husband is deceitful and manipulative. This may particularly be the case if you are in the middle of the biggest disappointment of your life.
And when you catch him in the act, you may find yourself enraged, fully convinced that men can never be trusted and love is an empty promise.
But that is your anger and emotions talking.
There are literally millions of guys out there and many of are and will be good husbands. Don’t ever give up on your dream of meeting and marrying a good guy and finding love of the lasting kind.
Love and long-term attachment is real and great marriages exist and you too can be part of that, even if your current relationship is in the dumps.
And think of it this way, if your husband is the cheating sort and is now making noises about leaving you, he may be doing you the favor of your life.
Is it Better To Love and Lost Than Never to Embrace Love At All?
You, just like many of my clients will encounter lessons learned and setbacks in your love life.
But it is better to have sought the love of your life and fall short, than to never have tried. The biggest love lesson I can ever teach you is never stop trying to find that connection. Never stop looking for the right man for you. He is out there.
I am not just trying to pump you up with platitudes. The fact is that there are many potential love match ups for you out there in the world. Your challenge is to take what you have learned about yourself and men in general and seek to find the right guy for you.
Another big lesson in love is not to allow setbacks to drown out your faith that marriage can work. Plenty of women have fallen way short of what they wanted for their life within a relationship. So it is an common occurrence.
Be assured that there is love out there for you in all its forms.
You Are Not Alone in Your Suffering
Let’s take a look at love’s tough lessons just to underscore you are not along. I reached into my vault of case studies. Let’s hear from a few of my clients about what they experienced. Later we will talk about what it means to have a husband who betrays you and what you should do if he wants out of the marriage.
Right now you might feel crushed by the whole notion that he has abandoned you. That will change.
But before we get into all that, let me remind you that I love hearing from you. Below this post, there is an area where you can comment. I make an effort to get back with all my visitors within a 48 hour period. So if you have a story to tell about a cheating husband or you have or need a little advice, please weigh in.
So what about some of these clients I mentioned. What they experienced helps shine some light on the reality that your pain is shared by many others and there is indeed light at the end of the tunnel.
Look, there is no way around it. My husband is a dog. He cheated on me after 4 months of marriage. As I look back, I think he was cheating on me when we were dating. I don’t know why I felt so shocked when I first learned of his indiscretions. He never really was the most trustworthy of guys. So looking back, I really feel stupid that I even got mixed up with him. He talked a good line and like many women looking for love I just fell for it. I guess the only silver lining is we don’t have any kids and he was only part of my life for 14 months. For any of your women readers out there, I would tell them to cut their losses if their man cheats on them and then tells you he is moving out. This kind of betrayal speaks volumes and I for one have zero tolerance for any man who acts this way.
It is unbelievable when I look back at how all the pieces came tumbling down. Are most men this way because it’s happened twice to me? Fortunately this time we didn’t get married and when I caught him cheating that was the last straw. Sure, he left me, but I made him go. What use is a man that betrays you and lies about it, then behind the scenes makes preparations to leave you. Stupid me in believing we had something special. Can you believe I sent my husband a letter after he cheated asking him to explain why he did all these things. Why do I torture myself? Where do I turn now? I think I know. I am better off with out him. I know there has to be another man…a better man out there for me.
I still can’t believe what my husband did. We had a good thing going and then it all comes tumbling down because he could not keep his hands off this young thing he met. I hate him to this day and when he left me I told him good riddance. Why should I trust a man again. I gave him everything of me and he goes out and finds it elsewhere. I know I need to turn the page because every time I think of what he did to our lives it makes me physically sick. I know I need help as I having trouble putting it behind me. Should I try to forget about it all? I am not sure how? I am still haunted by why he would do this. Is there ever a way to know what really happened. I no longer believe a word my husband tells me about the affair.
You just won’t believe it. I came home early one evening and find my husband naked walking around the house. He was over by the window curtains looking out because he must have heard me coming in. When I saw the look on his face, I knew something was terribly wrong. First I thought he was acting out on some pornographic thing he was up to. But seconds later, a young women peers around the corner, then hurries back to the guest bedroom. For a moment I had this pathetic thought that it was not what it seemed. But before I could process things any further, my husband proceeds to blame me for coming home early as if to excuse his cheating ways. unbelievable. Then he made it out like I was not attending to his needs. In one breath he was trying to tell me that he was not in love with this other woman, it was just the sex they shared. Then in the next breath he tells me I pushed him to the edge and wants out. Whatever he wants me to believe, it does not change the fact that my husband cheated on me and I don’t think I love him anymore. Why should I? I think I know what you are going to tell me. I think I need to start doing things for me and I don’t think I want this man in my life anymore. Life is far too short to spend it with a mistake.
When He Cheats On You Embrace Your Feelings First – Then Embrace Yourself
Where does a women turn when she feels gutted by her husband’s decision to break the trust?
Should she erase her husband from her live forever? Should she allow herself to reflect on the possibly of getting back with him?
After all, he is a cheater, right? Is it even possible to fall in love again with your husband after doing such a thing?
Further complicating matters are those men who can’t even come to terms with the gravity of what they did and how it has threatened the sustainability of the marriage. That is almost as bad as a husband who won’t even admit he cheated on you.
What is one to do with all those feelings that are sometimes in conflict with each other.
The short answer is you need to move away from the negativity.
To many women find themselves trapped in a web of negative emotions, particularly those involve forms of self blame.
Escaping from feelings that you may have done something wrong (which is hogwash) and juggling an assortment of negative, self-destructive emotions is clearly what you want to avoid.
There is something I want you to try to release yourself from the grip of the utter contempt you might feel for your husband right now along and with the other soul crushing emotions like resentment, disdain, and hatred.
You see, you do not want to become a prisoner to the awful feelings that will envelope you after learning that your husband can’t keep it in his pants. Don’t let your husband’s stupid and senseless decision tear away at your soul.
Now, I am not saying there is a foolproof way to stop feeling the pain (emotional and physical) of betrayal. Experiencing such negative feelings and thoughts is not outside the norm. Your aim is to find away to massage them out of your mind so the negativity and sadness doesn’t pull you down to a place of depression.
After all, you still have a life to live and you don’t want to waste any more time than necessary feeling terrible.
How do you accomplish this? What kind of Houdini act will you need to pull to somehow put what your husband did into perspective so it doesn’t continually gnaw at you.
News Flash! Making thoughts of your husband’s unfaithfulness leave your mind will never happen. It is important though to recognize how that eventually you will need to make a decision on whether you still want to go forward in marriage with your husband knowing that he cheated and could do it again.
For now, don’t try to get ahead of yourself.
Right now, your focus should be on getting through the next few days. This is particularly the case if your situation is like some of my clients whose husbands not only cheated on them, but moved out.
There is technique I want you to try. It has to do with embracing your own feelings.
Too often, women who are rebounding from a marriage torn asunder by betrayal, will try to push their pain completely out of the mind. They may delude themselves with notions that what has happened really isn’t so bad.
Or worse, they may betray their own real feeling, pretending that they are really not reeling from pain. Sometimes, as a coping mechanism, a woman can turn a blind eye to their own suffering.
I think that is a mistake. What has happened to you (if your husband cheated and left you) is an awful experience. You should be grieving. This kind of betrayal and abandonment is a heavy load for anyone to bear. In the beginning stages of your grief, you should embrace your pain fully.
If you supremely hurt because of what your husband did, then experience your hurt fully. Cry with passion. Let it all out.
Find a big pillow or large stuffed bag and start punching it. Scream. Get it out in a way that works for you. But do in it in privacy.
Now practically speaking, before you have the mother of all pity parties, you need to give consideration to going somewhere so you can let it all out with full privacy. You sure don’t want the neighbors thinking you are going nuts or are under attack.
But you get the idea here I think. You can’t let those emotions get the best of you. If you contain them and ignore them, they will. So purge them.
One technique that might work for you if you are having a lot of negative thoughts about your self-worth because of what you husband did is something I call the Absurdity Rant.
Here is how it works. Just start talking smack about yourself for sixty seconds. You might be thinking, “why would I want to berate myself?” Well, the answer is if you are already internalizing a lot of negative thoughts about what has happened to you and that you may never get your husband back, etc, etc, then sometimes it is best to just go on a rampage vocalizing aloud these negative thoughts so you can hear for yourself how absurd your thoughts truly are.
You see, that is the point. Once you start saying out loud all of the awful thoughts that are in your mind, you in effect exorcise them from your person.
In fact it his hard to keep a straight face after you do this for a minute or so. When you hear your own self negative thoughts spoken, you realize just how stupid they are and how pointless it is to constantly beat yourself up.
For example, if you are secretly thinking, “My husband cheated and betrayed me because I deserve it.” Or “I am so worthless, even my spouse doesn’t want me anymore”.
If you find these kind of negative feelings coursing through your mind, then you need to get rid of them. And one way to accomplish that is through an Absurdity Rant.
Be Your Own Best Friend After the Affair
So if you want to get all of the venom and negative energy out of your system you need to commit yourself to an emotional pivot. The truth is that whatever happened with your husband was his doing. You are not responsible for his poor decision. Your focus should now be on recovery. So be your own best friend. Treat yourself with tender loving care.
Tell yourself a supreme relationship truth.
Do you care to know what it is?
The truth is that you have control of your attitude and mood. You have many options in front of you and things can get better, with or without your husband being part of your life. When you embrace a positive outlook and immerse yourself in positive and fulfilling experiences, then the chances of good things coming from your choices is much greater.
If your husband has chosen to cheat on you and not be part of your life, then it is his loss. Because after all (and this is how you should think) you could have made his life wonderful. Now you have a chance to make your own life even more wonderful than it would have been with your untrustworthy husband.
Embrace opportunities to re-engage in all those things that you really enjoy doing. As your own best friend, ask yourself how you would like to be treated. Then do those things for yourself.