It is never an easy thing to try and recover from a marriage separation or breakup or worse a marital divorce. When an ex husband or ex wife is what you seek to recover…if you are looking for ways in which your can get them back, then you need to have a full understanding of the do’s and don’ts.
Let’s start first with some ground rules.
When you are seeking to get someone back there are a few things you want to avoid. First up, avoid jumping to conclusions about what you “think” you want.
What if it later turns out that you really don’t want your ex husband or ex wife back. Sometimes, after the pain of a breakup, one of the parties…sometimes even both….will harbor strong feelings about getting back together. These emotions usually spring forth from anxiety and fear that arises from the marriage routines coming to an end.
Even if upon reflection, you see that the marriage was far from healthy and that your ex husband or ex wife was creating a great deal of your dissatisfaction, we as people are sometimes not well equipped to move away from these relationships.
The pull and connection that has been built up over many years, even if a lot of those years were not very fulfilling, can reach deep into your soul and cause you to hunger to have some level of normalcy return.
I call it the “abnormal Normal”. I know, it is crazy when you think about it. It is not logical at all. But who said that couples think logically after they break up. The pull of reuniting, even if it is clearly not in your best interest, can be strong.
So that is one type of situation that could unfold. Another ex marital situation is where the two of you broke up, but it really was not a horrible parting. Maybe you have not been married that long. Maybe the breakup was an emotional reaction to an event. Perhaps your husband or wife was unfaithful.
Do you and your spouse still have a chance to put things back together? Of course you do. Indeed, I wrote a post about this specific topic, so feel free to dive in!
Being cheated on by your spouse can cause explosive reactions that can lead to separations and serious breakups between husband and wife. But they don’t necessarily end a marriage. The breakup can be more of the temporary nature.
So whatever situation you are facing, whether it be similar to what I described above or something entirely different, I want you to avoid any impulsive actions.
If you feel drawn back to pursue the marriage….just know that those feelings may be betraying what is truly in your best interests. So what is in your best interest when it comes to getting back with your ex husband or ex wife? It is likely, you won’t know the answer to that question for a while. That is why you need to take things slow and not rush back to your ex husband or ex wife. Rushing and acting out from the right side of the brain….our emotional side…. usually puts you into a mine field of outcomes. So take things slow.
This is why I am keen on adopting a No Contact period immediately following the break up with your ex husband or ex wife. It will do you good to get some time to get your head screwed on back right and likewise your husband or wife will need time to put things in perspective as well.
Usually I advocate taking 21 to 30 days to reconnect with yourself and pursue some self healing. Both husband and wife need to figure out what is best for them and that is rarely done in the first few weeks after a break up or separation.
Whether you take 21 to 30 days to get thing back in order emotionally, is up to you. That is usually the time period that I recommend, though quite frankly, every recovering ex wife (or ex-husband) faces their own unique situation, so one needs to use good judgement in how to manage this period of time.
If you have children or let’s say you work together, it can make it more difficult to manage this period of time where the focus should be on “you”. My married clients who are separated from their ex husband or ex wives will often ask me how they observe the spirit of the No Contact Principle, if they have kids together with their ex or work with their ex spouse.
I advice they should use good common sense. Just keep the discussion or dialogue you might have with your ex solely on the kids (or work issues) or whatever the unique situation might be.
Communicate as needed for the welfare of the kids, but keep the focus on healing and growing as an individual during the No Contact period. If your ex should ask why you are not being more forthcoming or communicative, be honest and explain that you are using the next several weeks to heal from the pain of the breakup and to focus on being the best version of yourself. Just say it like that and no more. In these matters, sometimes less is more.
You don’t want to come off as the “needy” person or the one that is doing all of the chasing. Even if every fiber of your mind and body is telling you to call or text or email your wife or husband, it is best you observe the No Contact Period for your own best interest.
There is an interesting Principe called “reactance theory” which is psychological principle which suggests that when you withhold something from somebody, they will want and desire it more.
People want what they are told they can’t have. And this is even more true when it comes to relationships that break down and result in the ex’s going their separate ways. Invariably, one of the Ex’s will have second thoughts about whether they did the right thing. They may feel that the attraction is returning after they have heard some things about you or see how well you are getting along.
This attraction and desire to see you and be with you and talk with you and make love with you can start working on your ex husband or ex wife in subtle to even more significant ways. It is wired into the psyche of men and women. Once a connection is made, which is what the two of you had during the good times and while the marriage relationship was in place, it is difficult for all that to be forgotten. Things usually need to get exceptionally dysfunctional before that connection erodes.
Summary of Marriage Tips on Getting Your Ex Husband or Wife Back
- Take things slow. Don’t rush back into the failed relationship with your ex. Take time to evaluate what happened and how you feel about it. Sometimes, surprisingly so, it takes awhile to get fully in touch with your innermost desires. Be aware that in those early days after a break up or separation, you may be acting out a lot of feelings and behaviors from the right side of your brain (i.e. the emotional side). Here is a quick lesson on that topic for married but separated couples. The right side is the emotional, creative, and intuitive side of our mind. The left side is the reasoning and logic side of our brain. We need the emotional side of our brain, but sometimes it can lead us in the wrong direction. It is suppose to be the side of the brain which our intuition and creativity emerges. But when too many emotions run amok, it can throw off your judgement. So allow time for things to settle down so you can “live” equally in both side of the brain
- Observe a No Contact Period. This is meant to help you smooth things out. It is likely that both you and your wife or husband are not in such a great place, emotionally So if you want your Ex back, recognize that they wanted to separate from you. But go the whole nine yards. Do not communicate in any way with your married ex for a period of time. This time can range from 14 to 45 days. A 21 or 30 day No Contact Period generally works well for most. Now, this won’t be easy. Perhaps at first it will. You may still very very upset with your spouse and the very idea of talking with him or her is quite upsetting. But surprisingly, many spouses are later tempted to reach out or “check in”. It is hard to break away from from you ex for a significant period of time. The decision to invoke the No Contact Principle will allow you later to explore whether the relationship has a chance from a better position of leverage and personal power. Though it is not the only reason why you should consider doing a No Contact Period. Read on!
- During the No Contact Period, you should dedicate yourself to becoming the best version of yourself. Work on making yourself feel whole again is imperative because anytime a marriage ends in separation or divorce, there will be pain. There are many things you can do and I write about this in greater length in this post:
4. Up your physical activity and your social activity level. Go out with friends, sign up for an exercise or hobby class. Get involved and do things to create new routines. Some of the old routines involving your former husband or wife need to be replaced with some other positive activites and experiences. While you are at it, be active on social media and it is entirely OK to play on some jealousy tactics later own if you desire to explore re-igniting the spark. Your ex will likely not help but notice how you are getting along. Social media stalking is fairly commonplace these days, so while I don’t want you to get crazy with playing up the jealousy tactics, it usually helps your case to show your ex (if they are watching) that you are getting along quite well.
5. When it is time to imitate contact for the first time, try using some text at attractors to stimulate some conversation. I talk about this quite a bit in my book, The Texting Bible and my Ex Recovery Pro Series which you can find on my websites exboyfriendrecovery.com and exgirlfriendrecovery.com.
Feel free to visit me at those websites to learn more about how to increase your chances of winning back your Ex. Also, I encourage you to take a moment and comment below and let me know what is going on with your situation. I would like to hear about it and will respond.