It is perfectly reasonable to expect that you and your husband will disagree. I have never met a husband and wife that saw eye to eye on all issues.
But what if your husband never takes your side? What do you do if you feel like the man your are married to has little respect for your viewpoint?
Do you ever feel your husband undermines your position?
Do you ever feel like your husband pushes your viewpoint to the side so that he can advance his own?
And worst, if you are trying to make a point in front of friends or family, does your husband frequently cut your off or disagree with you in full? Are you ever made to feel small or insignificant?
It can be real problem when you feel your husband doesn’t defend you. It is important in a well-functioning marriage that your husband has your back on the big issues the two of you may confront.
Conflict in this area can exasperate other marital difficulties. Here is post that walks you through how you can avoid ongoing differences of opinion.
Sure, there will be cases in which the two of you will disagree. And perhaps you will be at odds against each other on a particular matter.
This will happen in all marriages and how you resolve your differences is an important part of this overall discussion.
The problem I see that comes into play with some marriages is when the husband (or wife) seldom takes your side of the discussion. It can be painful when it seems your husband goes way out of his way to disagree with your points.
What drives your man to behave in this fashion?
Sometimes the catalyst to this behavior is your husband’s ego. He may be psychologically ill-equipped to take your side or support you because he feels he has to be first to a solution.
His insecurity may be at a level where if he thinks you have arrived at a better answer or solution, he will be driven to take the opposite view. Hence, your husband may be emotionally inclined to disagree for the sake of boosting his ego and gratification.
Why Won’t Your Husband Stand Up For You?
All men and women have certain buttons that if you push, bad and angry things can come pouring out.
When your husband refuses to take up for you, that can really get under your skin. I know some people who when their spouse stabs them in the back, can come unglued. And that is what it feels like to some when their husband or wife chooses not to take their side on a critical issue.
But why would your man not be in your corner when you need him to be?
He must know how much it hurts, right? You put yourself out there and expect support, but then he pulls the carpet out from under you. It can feel like you are betrayed. And when you are involved in something that is really important to you and you need your husband to be there for you and he is not, it only serves to drive a wedge between the two of you. Trust erodes.
So why would he do such a thing? What is in him that make him that way in your time of need. Is it really asking that much for your husband to stand up for you?
Let’s examine some of the possible reasons why your husband is disposed to leave you hanging out there in the wind, so to speak.
You are Married To a Disagreeable Sort of Guy
One possibility for your spouse’s behavior is that he just so happens to be a kind a guy that disagrees with you for the sake of simply taking the opposite view. It may be his nature to be argumentative and critical of you and others. I call this the “Nasty Complex”. If you are married to a mean kind of guy or if your husband seems unable to empathize with you on such matters, then he is suffering from the nasty complex and is in need of an attitude adjustment.
Petty Jealousy May Cause Him to Back Off of His Support
Sometimes small and petty jealousies can creep into the marriage and over time these feelings can gain traction. Where you see them emerge is during those occasions when you would expect your husband to have your back. When he doesn’t stick up for you, you feel crushed by his demonstration of petty jealousy. Your husband could also be selfish and doesn’t want you to be credited for insightful opinions. When jealousy meets selfishness, you have a really toxic combination.
Your Guy Could Simply Be Mean and Cynical
It is sad but true that sometimes you end up marrying a guy who is simply cynical. Is your man a “glass if half empty” kind of guy? If he often finds fault with just about everything and can seldom be counted on to do the right thing by you, then you are hooked up with a mean and cynical man. Why he is this way is a lengthy conversation. It may be that his cynical nature is part of his personality. He may think he is just being realistic or pragmatic or truthful or whatever he tells himself. But for you, his behavior and lack of support hurts and lacks in loyalty.
Your Spouse May Be Insecure
Sometimes guys just don’t have it all together. They can be betrayed by their insecurities. So your husband may hesitate to come to your defense because he is unsure if it is the right thing to do. His uncertainty and insecurity can sometimes blind him to do what he really needs to do….namely stand up in support of what you are saying or doing.
Your Husband Wants Obedience
It can be a tough chore to be married to a guy who insists the is always right and you are wrong. If your husband is convinced he knows all and is the supreme authority on all things, then he most likely is a narcissist. Some men insist on having all the personal power in the marriage in order to make themselves feel more powerful and in more in control. They will undercut their wife to further their own aims.
If you ever feel you and your lover are really struggling in your relationship due to his lack of support, then tap into this post for some further insights:
How Important is Loyalty and Support in Marriage
Are you dealing with a husband that is less than loyal to you? What does that really mean?
It turns out loyalty in marriage means different things to different people.
Recently I did an informal survey asking my clients who were happily and unhappily married what they thought about the subject of loyalty and support in marriage. I asked them to describe what loyalty felt and looked like from their persective.
This is what they told me.
“Loyalty in a relationship is vital. If my husband did not stand by my side on the important issues we have gone through, I really would be bitterly disappointed. When I can depend on him it means the world to me.”
“You know loyalty is down the drain in your marriage when your husband doesn’t have your back. Once I told my spouse to not back off the discipline we were dishing out to one of our children. To be clear, it wasn’t anything over the top like a spanking. Rather, I just wanted him to back me up when we did a time out with my child. Then he goes off and plays with her in her room which defeats the whole purpose of what we are trying to teach her. Our marriage is not really down the tubes, but I really get angry when I can’t count on him to stand by the things we agree to.”
“Getting reliable support from my husband is important to me. I feel loved when I can count on him and when I know he will act upon what he says he will do. It takes away the anxiety I build up. Tell your ladies that if their guy is not going to be there for them over and over again, then that spells disaster and they might as well start looking for an exit strategy.”
What Do You Do If You Feel Your Husband Is Always Against You
The other day I heard from a woman who was in tears. She was explaining that “her boyfriend never takes my side and I hate him for that”. She walked me through all of the cases in which he wormed his way out of backing her up.
I asked why she thought her man wouldn’t stick up for her. She explained that she believed it was a character flaw her husband had and when he won’t do the right thing, it becomes a race to the bottom. She admitted it is a huge pet peeve for her and wondered what, if anything, she could do to get him to realize that he is poisoning the marriage.
As you know, there will always be occasions when neither you or your hubby will see eye to eye. And I think that is healthy. You don’t want your man to agree with everything you say and do, otherwise the communication between the two of you would be less than honest.
Differences on how to handle things or interpret certain developments will always be present in a healthy marriage.
The problem comes into play if you come to believe that your husband seldom takes your side, particularly on the important matters in a relationship. After all, we all want to feel secure that we won’t be undercut by our spouse every time we deal with something meaningful and important.
And if you are walking out on a limb, taking a risk, you will really want your husband’s backing. If he makes a habit of pulling the carpet out from under you, no doubt you will feel less sure of yourself.
You sure don’t want to worry about your husband shooting down your thoughts or trying to put you in your place as part of some kind of mind game.
So what can you do about it?
First off, if this kind issue starts creeping into your marriage, then you should nip it in the bud immediately. It is possible your husband is not aware that he habitually criticises you on positions you take. There could be a whole host of reasons for why he behaves the way he does. He may be critical by nature. He may be insecure with himself as we discussed earlier in this post. Whatever the cause, you should convey immediately to your husband in clear language what he is doing and the effect it has on you.
“Honey, you may not realize it fully but you shot my position down in front of our friends. I know you were nitpicking and probably did not mean anything by it, but it hurts me inside when I don’t feel supported. At the very least, you can try to be more tactful. Talk to me later if need be, but please don’t embarrass me in mixed company.”
There is a good chance your husband is not even aware of how he is being perceived. He probably does not appreciate how important it is to you to feel emotionally supported on those matters you strongly advocate for.
What If He Just Doesn’t Get It and Does It Over and Over Again?
If your husband’s continues to refuse to offer support and continues to undermine your position, another alternative is to take a half day off. Or maybe it is a full day. You will know what feels right.
In effect, you are upping the ante. He will be learning that his frequent behavior of not having your back and supporting you has consequences.
Write your husband a note, explaining in detail the latest example of his lack of support and summarize the other examples of your husband’s failure to support you and your side or view of things. Describe again what behavior you expect from him.
In closing, tell your spouse that you are extremely disappointed in his behavior and you need some time for yourself. Leave it somewhere for him to find. Take some time off. Stay with a friend. If you are going to turn it into a 24 hour period, check into a hotel. Essentially, what you are doing is raising the issue again, but in a more serious way.
You may think, “Well, Chris, isn’t this a bit dramatic”?
Sure, there is some staging associated with this approach. But the idea is you are trying to raise the awareness of this issue in your husband’s mind. You want to make this issue something that registers with him as being extremely important to you.
In no way are you using threatening language or ultimatums. Rather, what you are doing is telling him exactly how you feel and putting distance between you and your husband. You want your husband to speculate about just exactly what you might do next. Again, you would not take this approach unless you have made multiple efforts to work out this problem with your spouse.
So what will you do next?
Well, it depends. There is a good chance your husband may reach out to you to try to discuss things while you are away. I see that in a lot of cases. Don’t be too quick to respond back.
Eventually, if he is seeking to contact you, close the loop with your husband. If he appears to be wearing the “right attitude” about what is happening and wishes to meet and talk with you in person, then do so, but do it at a neutral place (not your home). By changing the environment where you will have a discussion about this issue, you underscore its importance to you and the relationship.
Your husband may not respond for a while or not at all. That is fine in the short run. He may be put off by what has happened. But the point is your are making a point with your husband. Whether he is ready at that time to admit that this matter is important, eventually he will realize it is important to you.
Eventually you will return home to resume you normal routines and if he has not already, he will get around to asking you what it was all about. Be yourself. Be positive, but be firm. He need to understand that you were not just throwing a hissy fit, but rather that you are fed up with him not having your back.
Now, he may play dumb. He may pretend nothing really happened. He may play the blame game. He may avoid even getting into the topic.
Look, how your husband reacts and behaves is unpredictable to some degree. But don’t allow him to try to turn it all around and complain or blame you for making things worse.
You have done nothing but take some personal time for yourself. You have not maligned him and nor have done anything wrong. You are trying to create an environment, after having tried numerous times in the past, to get him to realize you don’t appreciate not being supported.
If he gets nasty or means spirited or tries to change the topic, then don’t get drawn into that fight. If necessary, take another 24 hours for yourself.
If your husband really cares and loves you, he will eventually come to terms that this matter is really important to you and he had best play ball.