It is not an easy marriage question to grapple with. You spend all those years with your husband and something happens….a huge falling out….a sexual affair….whatever it is, it has caused the marriage to come under crisis or come to an end.
Now the man who use to occupy the dreams of your life, is outside your circle of trust. That Ex husband factor has become a hot relationship topic in today’s vocabulary.
Before he was your spouse….your husband…the guy you thought you could count on. Now he is your ex. He is your ex lover….your ex mate. And while at first you may have been quite happy about that outcome, you may now have arrived at a place in your mind where you start to wonder if you should try to get your ex husband back.
Are you in this camp? Are you thinking about whether there might still be a life with you and the man you once loved deeply and would do anything for?
It is indeed a difficult thing to grapple with. And the answer is not the same for us all. Just as you might have suspected, whether you should embark on a journey to re-ignite the spark between you and your ex husband will usually be predicated on numerous factors.
Let’s take some time and explore these factors. I think it might help you immensely because this question of whether you should try to get back with your ex husband could be a huge thing in your life right now. And if you don’t tread carefully, you could make a huge mistake.
Is It Worth Getting Your Husband Back?
Let’s start first with the negative. I know, I know, leading with the negative (the glass is half empty) is usually not my style. I like to lift people up and help couples regain the magic of their love. I like to help people see the folly of their ways and learn to modify their behavior in order to improve their relationships. So if you came her looking to get your ex husband back, you are probably not too thrilled that you have to hear first about all the reasons why it is not a good idea.
But I feel I would be dishonest with you if I colored everything in a pretty shades and extolled the virtues of recovering your ex husband. It is not always the best path to take.
Now, after saying that, I do promise we will get into the topic of why it might make sense for you to explore whether that spark between you and your ex should be and can be ignited.
After all, a husband and wife, irrespective of how well they have jelled together as a couple, are two people that share the same house, the same food, the same bed, and possibly the same parenting responsibilities.
So when things devolve into a state where you and your husband are constantly butting heads and are frequently bring up the topics of separation or divorce….when such things seem to happen every week, it does not necessarily mean that the two will never be able to overcome your problems. Sometimes a couple has to sink, before they rise.
Sometimes we have to split apart and take time away from each other to cast away the ugliness and vengeful behavior. Sometimes, we have to move away from our misguided efforts to make things work out. While it can be hard to look our spouse in the eye and tell them that “it is over”. There are times when such an action is the best of medicines for a relationship.
Why might that be the case?
Why would I advocate that you should put away the thought of reconciling with your ex husband? The answer is simple, though admittedly it a most difficult road to walk without experiencing pain and suffering.
You see, when you completely remove yourself from the grip that your ex husband has on you, you in effect free yourself up. If you can step away from the shadow of the marriage, then you are unbound to explore those things that empower you and make you whole.
If you have not had sufficient time to look back on your life with your husband and realize the mistakes you both made, then you have not yet gained the necessary perspective to choose the best path forward.
Your ex husband was probably a central part of your everyday life and your everyday routines. When that is taken away by separation or divorce, you cannot expect that the vacuum that is created will be filled quickly.
What you want to start thinking about is taking some steps to develop new routines and new friends and new hobbies. You might even embark on a new job or business opportunity. You might commit yourself to lose weight and achieve many other things, but none of these accomplishments and forms of personal growth is an answer unto themselves. They are a start of your recovery process. Doing all these things and more is the way to walk the path of recovery. And I submit, you are going to be better off personally and also perceived in a more attractive light by your ex husband, if you place your focus on your own self recovery.
So, with that said, let’s tackle both sides of the ex recovery coin. Specifically, what are some of the reasons why you should not seek to get back together with you ex husband. And after we conclude that discussion, we will take up the reasoning why it might make some sense to explore whether you and your ex husband should get back to being an item again.
You Dumped Your Ex Husband and Should Stick to Your Guns
When things went sour between you and your ex husband, you probably felt a lot of hurt and experienced considerable hardship. But once the separation got under way (or your divorce was finalized) you may have felt considerable relief that the long years of unhappiness and upheaval were behind you.
An ex husband who callously acts in a ugly or vindictive way before, during, and after the separation or divorce is hardly worthy of a second chance. After all, you would not have gone through all of the emotional trials and tribulations of the breakup if there were not irreconcilable differences. Trust in yourself.
Rarely have I seen cases where after being married, a wife impulsively decides that her husband is not worthy of her or that her husband has not lived up to her expectations. On the contrary, almost all women when confronted with marital difficulties, take every opportunity to try to right the ship. This process usually takes many months or even years.
So when a marriage break up occurs, my experience is that wives have had plenty of time to work through the issues with their husbands. Now, it could be said that some wives are more focused and motivated at working through the problems found in the marriage. And certainly, there are wives who, for various reasons, may be less motivated to try and recover from their marriage woes. But by and large, more experience with most wives is they suffer through multiple attempts to make the marriage work.
Research data suggests that about 75% of couples that choose some form of marriage counseling, benefit from that experience. But if you are among those who put your best foot forward in the marriage and tried everything you could reasonably think of that would help the relationship improve, including therapy, but things still did not improve….then you have all the more reason to stick to your guns.
Many of us enter into marriages with certain preconceived and idealistic views about marriage. We may have even romanticized the institution of marriage and perhaps even raised with the notion that we should never quit a relationship and strive to do everything to make it work. But there is a time to draw the line and that decision should be based on a rational accounting of the strengths and weaknesses of the marriage and what is best for all parties.
The notion that we can find the “perfect match” or that if we work hard enough, we can make the marriage work for both parties, is largely discounted by the facts of what has unfolded in society
About half of marriages do not work. Is it because the ex husband or ex wife were inherently ill prepared or beyond help? Very rarely is that the case. Often, it is due to the inherent difficulty of judging or predicting how compatible a couple will ultimately be. Some people, when they select their mate, are influenced by many raging hormones. We don’t always know what is best for ourselves.
Of course, it not just as simple as that. I think we can all agree that there are many factors that come into play when evaluating whether a marriage will be successful or not. It is believed by a lot of researchers, that the absence of “kindness” which we offer and receive from our spouse and shows of “appreciation” are among the top reasons why things don’t work out.
So from this perspective, if you left your husband and one of the primary reasons why you left him is because he showed little willingness to be kind to you or show respect and appreciation, then you would likely be foolish to try and chase after a reconciliation with such a man.
I am a firm believer that past spousal behavior is strong predictor of what you can expect from your spouse (in this case your ex husband) in the future. Don’t be fooled by short term “shows” of kindness during any such period in which your ex husband is trying to win you back. Your ex’s behaviors need to be seen in respect to the totality of the time of you spent together and those experiences you have with him in the “present”.
As you emerge from your recovery process, you will have an opportunity to embrace a new future, with new hobbies, routines, and people in your life. So give that a chance. Don’t give up on love just because your ex husband was a poor match for you or a terrible spouse.
Your future is full of many opportunities.
There May Be Some Cases Where Your Ex Husband is Worth Another Look
For those of you who came to this website looking for a way to re-discover a way in which you and your ex husband could make another go of it, I shall not disappoint.
Though admittedly, trying to patch things back together again with your ex is often not your best course of action. Nevertheless, there are some instances in which you and your former husband may be able to come together in the real sense of the word.
Are Your Ex’s Actions Supported by his Words?
The other day, I got a call from a client who reported that her trial separation with her husband seemed to have worked. Not only did it give her time to reflect on what she really valued in life, but she was able to observe over this time a markedly different set of behaviors from her ex husband.
Their marriage was crumbling largely due to her husband affair. At first he denied and acted like it was something that grew from her imagination. But shortly after the trial separation was underway, her ex came to her admitting he had lied and betrayed her.
While on one level, she was relieved that he finally admitted to something she felt was true in her heart, on another level she felt stunned and angry about his decision to have an affair.
As he explained it, the betrayal was not of the heart. He insisted he did not love this other woman. And he stated he had ended the relationship in order to work on recovering his marriage.
My client accepted what he said but told her ex husband that she was not ready to forgive him and was not of the frame of mind to work with him to save the marriage. As she saw the situation at that time, if she was not enough for her husband, then he will likely never be satisfied.
I believe that is what hurt her the most. She explained that her sex life with her husband was wonderful and they frequently shared intimate moments. So when her ex strayed on her, she could not put that out of her mind and felt the betrayal was far to severe and that the trust between them could never be regained.
So over the next few months she decided to put the focus on her needs and began planning a life without her husband. During this period, the communications between her and her husband were minimal. But when they did communicate, he would continue to emphasis that he made the mistake of his life and was willing to wait as long as it took for his wife to give him another chance. His words seemed to align with his actions as many of their mutual friends revealed over these months that her ex husband was leading a solitary life.
And it was that consistent pattern of actions and words aligning, that finally allowed my client to look past the tremendous amount of hurt that had built up over her husband’s infidelity. Slowly they began communicating more and seeing each other more often.
Not everyone who experiences cheating in their marriage will be able to get past that pain. But it is definitely doable. And if you have invested a good part of your life in the marriage and if during those years, the marriage had been largely successful and had provided many fulfilling moments, then I think there is definitely hope for those who have suffered from the worst breach of trust a marriage can experience.
Such was the case for my client.