Sometimes don’t you wish you had a secret recipe on what it takes to have a good marriage…a happy marriage. Don’t you sometimes wish that your husband would show a little more in the way of contentment and satisfaction with your marriage.
It was never suppose to be easy, right? Before you took the plunge to get married, you probably read all the articles and talked to lots of people, and observed from afar how couples got along. While it didn’t sound easy, nor did it seem terribly difficult? You were probably thinking to find a guy that is the right on for you would be a worthy journey.
Once you landed such a man you likely thought it would be a matter of time for the connection to grows stronger. Then marriage would be the natural next step. Easy as pie! Except, it really isn’t. What really happens when a couple gets together and decides to build a life together is far from the fairy tales we can easily conjure up in our minds.
So what is with some guys?
What does it take to get them excited about all the things you do for them? Be sure to read my post on this topic if you have not already!
Why did your husband appear to be a really good prospect before the knot was tied, but once you have been married for awhile, he starts acting like he is bored or even hints that the two of you made a mistake.
Some men might act restless or not very engaged. Is it possible that you landed a guy, who in the beginning was wining and dining you, but is now having second thoughts or behaving like he is growing weary of the relationship.
Why is Your Husband Not Turned On By You?
What is going on in the mind of your husband when he acts like is is just not very enthused about you and his circumstance?
Is there something you can do to make you man excited again about being married to you? Well, if you have not already, be sure to read my article on this topic!
Well, it could be a number of things. One thing I see when I counsel couples is what I would describe as the guy who personifies the “Divide and Conquer” attitude. In the beginning of the “chase”, back before you were married, (yes, he was chasing you, wanting to possess you….that was partly what was going on in his psyche) it was clear he wanted you. You may have made that chase even more exciting for him when you played “hard to get” or leveraged some “jealousy tactics”. Then of course we have all those love hormones that causes both of you to desire each other like there is no tomorrow.
But once a couple gets settled into a marriage, their love and attraction for each other begins to morph into a more mature phase of attachment. This is where some guys tend to withdraw a bit. It is not that they don’t want to be attached. They probably are not even thinking much about such things. But what is missing in their quest for joy and fulfillment is the challenge of the chase.
Some guys just need to be stimulated. If they have everything, they won’t desire it as much. Now on the other hand, if you take something away or make you husband work for something they are accustom to having, then they will feel engaged in the challenge.
By the way, since we are on the topic of stimulating your husband, why not try spicing up your text messages. Check out this post I wrote for some ideas!
Now, don’t get me wrong. Men are not complete Neanderthals whose only desire is to dominate their environment, hunt, track and conquer.
But they are little like that. It is literally embedded in our genes. There is also a primitive nature about a guy. They are driven to have sex. Sure, women do do, but for most guys the sex drive is steers them to be with a woman for the sex.
Women, more often than not, are driven into the sexual act as a reflection of shared intimacy. Sex tends to make your husband a happier soul, particularly for that portion of time when they are engaged in the sexual act.
But helping your husband to become more happy within the marriage is about much more than sexual intimacy. If you are seeking to truly arouse your husband to become happy, then I have a thought for you.
Getting Inside Your Husband’s Mind
It is not just about good sex, though that is important. And it is not just about creating a chase environment so that all the things he wants from you is not particularly easy to achieve. If the wife is a pushover in all matters associated with the marriage, then where is the challenge. A guy needs some push back now and again. If everything comes to easy, boredom creeps in.
So, how do you help your husband find happiness in your marriage?
First, let’s agree this is really a very complex question. I am going to speak in some generalities, so don’t be surprised if I don’t cover your specific situation.
A man who is unhappy in his marriages could be so for numerous reasons not yet mentioned. Maybe there have been far too many fights. Maybe your husband is experiencing emotional depression for other reasons, but it is effecting the marriage. So let’s agree that my commentary on this matter may help many, but not all.
I am operating under the assumption that your husband’s happiness has much less to do with potentially things you may be doing wrong. Rather it lies in your husband’s attitude or the “place” he resides emotionally.
Here is where the proverbial light bulb needs to shine in my opinion. First of all, the question is somewhat flawed. It is not your chore, as wife, to help him find happiness within the marriage. That is your husband’s job. He is responsible for his own happiness. You can help point him down that road, but he has to learn to walk it himself.
Now there are things you can do within the marriage itself that helps create an environment for your husband to be happier. I have already mentioned a few. But the biggest thing you can do for your husband to help him with appreciating what he truly has with you is to encourage him to explore his personal goals.
When a person is most most happy, they feel the most free. Sometimes a guy can feel trapped. I know that can be hard for some women to accept, but a lot of guys can feel content about their marriage in one thought and also feel somewhat trapped in the next thought. If you sense this, don’t let it upset you. Many men are conditioned to feel strong and independent. This sometimes leads to their restlessness if they feel bridled.
A guy sometimes needs to be encouraged to fulfill their personal goals. They need to feel that they are not being held back. They will appreciate that their wife is not trying to control them. But that is just one puzzle piece. Another puzzle piece lies in the mind of the guy. He just sometimes doesn’t know how to get to it. He might not know what is ailing him.
This is where you as his wife can help him get in touch with his feelings. Guys can be terrible at getting in touch with what they really should know about themselves.
I think women are much better at sorting through the jumble of thoughts and emotions we all have. So it can be helpful to explore with your husband what he is feeling and why he seems less content and satisfied at times.
A really good time to do this is after sex. This is when your man is more likely to open up due to the release of oxytocin. That is why this hormone is called the cuddle or love hormone. I think of it as more of the truth serum hormone.
Putting together the puzzle pieces to solve the riddle of happiness is not an easy task for any of us. Hopefully, I have given you some ideas that will help you with get a bit closer to what might be going on with your husband.