You might be wondering why your husband yells at you.
I am sure you would agree that seldom is it a good situation when you and your husband resort to loud shouting matches.
But what if you are married to a guy who finds it far too comfortable to scream or yell at you to make his point. Such a situation suggests the marriage or relationship is flawed.
Are you married to a man who raises his voice at you far too often?
You certainly do not deserve that kind of treatment. No one does.
Do you find yourself spending far too much of your time trying to calm or tame your angry and loud husband?
Why does he behave this way and what are your options?
What Can You Do To Tame Your Husband?
Do you ever feel that there is a beast that seems to rise out of your husband?
Is your hubby’s behavior something you can tame or are you trapped living with a guy who periodically unravels?
You need not resigned yourself to a marriage in which you are always on the receiving end of your husband’s wrath.
These are all tough questions for any wife to have to deal with. Let’s try to get some perspective.
It is important that you understand a few simple principles on how things should really work within a healthy, functional marriage.
First of all, it is never acceptable for a husband or any spouse to resort to loud, belittling or intimidating behavior in the marriage. If that is what is going on in your relationship, then the man you are married to has many lessons to learn.
And if such behavior continues to happen with frequency, even after multiple efforts to resolve the problem, then you should give serious consideration to ending the relationship.
There is nothing more toxic to a marriage than being around a husband (or spouse) that frequently resorts to loud and abusive behavior.
So if you find yourself in a marital environment in which yelling or shouting has become the norm, then something needs to change to upset that routine.
It seldom does anyone any good if conflicts always ends in the spouses becoming upset, raising their voices and using obnoxious, threatening tones to get their points across.
Are You Married To a Loud and Abusive Husband?
There are all different types of abuse which are sometimes practiced in marriages.
None of them are good.
Even in a solid marriage, a reasonable and decent husband can completely lose his head and just take it all out on his wife, only later to come back with apologies as he realizes the shameful way he behaved.
When a husband succumbs to that little pocket of cruelty that may lie within him, he in effect has broken his vow to love and cherish and protect his wife.
If your man is not making you feel safe and secure, something is wrong.
Let’s say you hubby has had a really bad day, but so to have you. He is smoldering as he tries to contain his angry feelings about his day. When you try to talk to him about your problems at work, let’s say he simply loses it and starts loudly ripping at you about how you are always dumping your problems on him.
Is this acceptable? Should he get a pass?
While your guy may be a wonderful man, his outburst and yelling neither serves to calm your troubled mind or improve the environment around the house.
The fact of the matter is that your husband’s outburst is form of marital abuse that is unacceptable.
Married men and women are all guilty of the occasional fly off the handle moment. It happens. The key is that it should happen rarely and when a loud angry outburst does occur, the people involved should immediately work to suppress the lesser angels of their soul.
But this type of incident pales in comparison to those cases in which the husband consistently behaves in a crude, cruel, loud, and over the top type fashion.
If you have a husband who feels he must dominate and control every conversation and topic without argument and feels it is acceptable to shout you into submission if you dare disagree, that is a form of an abuse that is intolerable.
Verbal and emotional abuse can take on all kinds of forms and are often employed as a control mechanism or to instill fear, which leads us back to a spouse who is overly concerned about domination and control.
Such marriages are unhealthy to the bone.
If you find yourself on the receiving end of such cruel spousal treatment, then something needs to change.
It is not normal for a couple to be reduced to shouting matches. It does not serve the marriage for a husband and wife to become accustomed to screaming and shouting, just to make their point.
And when vulgarity, profanity, and put downs colors the language of the relationship, rarely does anything good come of that type of behavior.
The other day, I heard from Trisha who was really feeling low. She had just come out of an ugly fuss fest with her husband of two years and things had gotten out of hand.
Here is how she tells it:
My man hates me. I am sure of it. When my husband gets right up into my face and starts screaming, I am petrified. What do you do when you are married to a man who thinks shouting is the way you get your point across. I am thinking of leaving him. Most of the time I feel stricken with fear that he will shout me down at the least little thing I do. He doesn’t care what he says or how he says it. He likes to throw in all kinds of vulgarities for effect. Marriage isn’t suppose to be about who can scream the loudest at each other. It shouldn’t be a race to the finish line of who can hurl the worst insults and intimidate the other. It is like I am married to a guy with a hair-trigger temper and when things don’t turn out well, I get blamed. I should have known it would turn out this way because his ex warned me that he was the loudest and most obnoxious man she ever met. I didn’t believe her. But now I do. I don’t want this anymore and need your help to find the nearest exit.
It is really sad when your relationship is defined by the amount of profanity and the volume the spouses spew at each other.
It truly is a toxic situation if you’re married to a guy who feels he can shout and scream with repercussion.
And that is truly a problem and unfortunately it is often repeated. Many women who I consult with tell me they hate being victimized and screamed at when their husband is feeling the pressure. But they also will tell me they feel they have a lot invested in the marriage.
Something has to give as this is not a sustainable way to live a life.
They will tell me things like,
“I know he is this way and I resent him for it. But then when it is over he will come begging back with apologies in hand. I don’t want to throw out the good with the bad.”
” Why my husband finds it necessary to resort to shouting me down when we are fighting I can never understand. I have told him it damages us and his behavior needs to stop. My husband promises he will stop hollering when things go awry, but then he breaks the promise again and again. Some days I feel like our marriage needs to end. Then I remember all the loving things he has done for me. I feel like I am conditioned to put up with his bad boy outbursts. What do you when your husband freaks out and acts like a madman, then turns around later and lays down the charm? I feel stuck and split down the middle on what to do or how I should think about this marriage.”
The Top 3 Ways To Handle A Fussy Husband
For women who have had similar experiences as I laid out above, you have my sympathy. I understand your pain.
But you need to know that there are avenues you can take to better your situation.
Being married to a fussy husband is not unusual. There are measures you can take to manage these situations.
But when they evolve into an abusive kind of guy who thinks he has a license to whip up the volume of his voice whenever it suits him…..that is unacceptable
Let’s start with those married men who resort to shouting or raising their voice to dominate the conversation or argument. Let’s assume for these kind of guys, their propensity to give end to their bad boy side is not a frequent occurrence.
Nevertheless, such behavior can chaff the nerves of the good wife at the very least and at worse…. threaten the health of the marriage when things get out of hand.
So how do you deal with this type of behavior?
Here are a few ideas you can put to action if you find yourself on the receiving end of a husband who thinks screaming and howling at you is his way to resolve things.
Name the Behavior and its Impact On YOU
Sometimes your husband may not be aware that he is screaming at you.
While this is not the case for all men because some guys know exactly what they are doing, there are some dudes who just get overwhelmed with some much passion they can barely contains themselves.
As a result they can lash out and resort to yelling to make their point.
If your husband falls into this category, one way to slow him down is simply name the behavior.
In other words, simply describe and reflect back what he is doing and how it affects you on an emotional level.
For example: “You are raising your voice and losing control. When you act this way it makes me feel belittled and unsafe”.
Sometimes guys just lose it and the volume of their voice can rise out of control without them even realizing it.
So give your hubby a wake up call. It is like a little verbal smack. Let them know, in no uncertain terms, how they are behaving and how it hurts to be treated that way.
Leave When Your Husband Screams at You.
Now, I don’t mean this to sound so dramatic. I am not advocating you end the marriage and walk out of his life. But there are ways in which you can defuse the situation with your husband if you remove yourself from the equation.
Remember, You don’t need to be your husband’s verbal abuse punching bag. If he is going to scream at you, that’s it, you do not need to tolerate that kind of behavior.
Now, there are different ways a wife can handle a screaming and shouting husband.
If your man becomes loud, irate and unglued, then leave the house. Get out.
There is no need to put yourself at risk or subject yourself to your husband’s ugly outburst. Your actions send a clear message that you have zero tolerance for such behavior and if your husband can’t contain himself, he risks losing you.
On the other hand, if your guy is just having a minor freak out…let’s say he has raised his voice and getting loud, then try leaving the immediate area.
Give him and yourself some space. Walk away to another room. And be sure you tell him not to follow you. Tell him you need to be alone and to respect your privacy.
In my experience, men can react in one of two ways when you put distance between them and you. A husband whose reasoning is still intact and has some semblance of decency will realize that they allowed things to get out of control and will respect your decision to walk away.
This cooling off period usually allows both parties of the marriage to get their emotions back under control.
But there is a certain segment of men that will become even more upset that you chose to walk away from them, right in the middle of their tongue lashing.
These kind of husbands are the control freaks of life. He may be a narcissist or simply just a bad guy. He may insist that you don’t walk away.
Some men may escalate their verbal attack and shout even louder at you to try to intimidate you.
The truth is that such a husband who resorts to this behavior is being abusive.
You need not tolerate this kind of outburst. If your husband escalates his verbal assault on you, then leave the house.
Listen to Your Husband Without Engaging or Commenting.
Sometimes a guy has to vent.
And your silence throughout the episode can be powerful force.
He may be upset about something on his mind and can get himself so worked up that the least little thing can set him off.
If you are married to a guy who allows himself to get worked up and as a result starts getting loud or unruly when things are not working out, there is a simple technique you can employ to diffuse his behavior.
Consider simply using your quiet voice to communicate with your man.
If he goes off half cocked about something and it is evident something is really bothering him and he starts unwinding, let him. The truth is that he may not really be mad at you. Your husband may not, in his mind, be directing his wrath at you. You are just the unfortunate soul who is in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Of course it is much more than that. Your man loves you. It may not feel like it at the time, but he is using you (arguably in a selfish way) to help him exorcise his demons. At least that is the case in this example.
So let him unwind as much as you can tolerate. It will help him get it all out and later he will feel better. When he is letting loose his “angry at the world” speech, just try to listen.
Don’t argue or agree or disagree with him. What he may really be looking for is someone who he loves and trusts that will serve as a sounding board as he works it all out.
Now if your husband’s yell fest turns in to a habit such that your husband is frequently raising his voice and yelling about everything and then drags you into his world of everything is dark and dreary….that is not a healthy routine.
If your husband starts to get comfortable with yelling at you or around you about anything, then we are getting into abusive territory. And that is an area that is very unhealthy for marriage.
I think we will end this discussion right here today. But I still have plenty of thoughts and advice on how you can navigate through a troubled marriage beset by a husband who too often falls prey to being a bad husband.
I do have some parting advice for you.
While those solutions I described above will work in many cases, there are some marriages in which the husband will not respond to any of those efforts.
Things like trust, respect, and honor may have deteriorated to such a degree the relationship between the husband and wife have become frayed and broken.
In such cases, more aggressive measures may need to be taken such as marital counseling, trial separation or bringing the relationship to an end.
I cover those matters and plenty more throughout this website.
So feel free to explore my website for any related topics of marriage that you feel you need to get up to speed on. And as always, I encourage you to weigh in with your thoughts and feelings in the Comment Section below this post.